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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

533 replies

lbsjob87 · 07/08/2014 13:47

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 12:13

The poster did not just join. A quick search can reveal that as easily as MNHQ can ffs.

JoinedJustForThis · 08/08/2014 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pagwatch · 08/08/2014 12:15

Another intelligent, measured contribution there Joined. Well done. I particularly like how you would give your apparently harmless neighbour of 10 years 'a gob full' .
obviously you have loads of sensible suggestions to add. The op must enjoy seeing that you are totally in her camp.

thornrose · 08/08/2014 12:16

Mrs her first post under this name was on a now deleted thread along similar lines though!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/08/2014 12:16

Here we go with the offensive posts and fake outrage at annoyed responses.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/08/2014 12:17

I was referring to joined's name mrsw.

Wow you are taking this one seriously.

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 12:18

My outrage at what Alice said is not fake thanks very much Fanjo.

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 12:18

I am Fanjo because people pile on too fast. I've been the "victim" of it too. It's not nice

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 08/08/2014 12:19

Special needs or not, people do understand no, not right now. I've looked after a little boy high on the Autistic spectrum, non-verbal, very frustrated but he understood when I gave him things to look forward to for 15 minutes of quiet time.

If you've dealt with one person with SNs, that means you know THAT person. You've no idea what another person with even the same SN will struggle with. FWIW, my 8yo (that is on the spectrum) does NOT understand "No, not right now" in many instances, due to anxiety or stress. Obviously it's unknown whether or not the OP's neighbour will understand that or not.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 08/08/2014 12:21

MrsWinnibago I didn't accuse you. I didn't out and out call you anything, thank you very much. I pointed out some uncomfortable manners of speaking, that can often be seen in offensive posts. Obviously it struck a nerve.

Pagwatch · 08/08/2014 12:21

Well tbh i think the whole thread would have fizzled out if people didn't keep pretending that the op did anything other than slip a little gratuitous Daily Mail-esq 'ooh but he might be a pervert' stuff in to make herself look 'better'.

Almost everyone agreed that if she wants to be antisocial that's her choice. But she had to over egg the pudding.

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 12:22

I don't think the OP has to deal with repeated intrusions on her privacy.

FWIW I have the same issue with one of my neighbours...not as bad but still annoying. She's a woman of 70 who whenever she comes into her garden and sees me sitting in mine, HAS to have a conversation.

I don't want to talk all the time. I go in the garden to escape my DC sometimes. I go to sit in silence.

I sit out of her sight but she can often tell when I am there somehow and calls out to me.

It is fucking annoying and she has no SN but even if she DID I'd still be annoyed! I'm not a saint.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/08/2014 12:23

Mrsw I am talking about joineds outtrage.

Joineds

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 08/08/2014 12:23

Pag I said that ages ago. But she didn't like it much. Hmm

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 12:24

Not wanting to talk is not being antisocial. It's wanting privacy. Being antisocial is never wanting any interaction...ever.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 12:24

A neice said the family think he may have a form of aspergers...

sorry but is the niece some sort of expert has the man been formally diagnosed?

A see a neighbour who has been a good neighbour for ten years and has now had enough because of massive boundary over stepping.

I can certainly see the problems here because my own garden is very similar to ops, maybe some posters on here have a different set up or larger garden.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/08/2014 12:24

Would love a bunfight and wants people to pile in.

As you were.

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 12:24

Sorry Fanjo I just felt slightly attacked and started thinking all posts were about me!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/08/2014 12:25

I meant joineds would. Not I would.

No intwntion of bunfighting.

Phone does though

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 12:26

Sweet well said. Nobody has any proof of SN but I will say it again, that even if there were then she could still ask for her privacy.

Her comments about perverts were ill-advised but she still didn't really do much wrong.

thornrose · 08/08/2014 12:26

My dd is 14 and has AS she still struggles with non committal responses like 'maybe' or 'probably'. "No, not right now" would cause her anxiety.

Does that mean 'yes, in 5 minutes', later today, tomorrow, do you really mean no, never....

Pagwatch · 08/08/2014 12:27

[shrug] antisocial /wanting privacy - whatever.

If she had just asked about privacy and hadn't started making unsubtle allegations that he might be a danger the thread might have gone a totally different way.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 08/08/2014 12:27

MrsW yes, but in your situation, even if she had SNs, if the woman was chatting to your small child, would you then be concerned she might be a pervert or a paedophile? I suspect not. Because she is a woman. And there you go - the reason people think the OP is BU. She assumes because he is male and has SNs and has chatted to her child, that he might be a pervert.

ChoccaDoobie · 08/08/2014 12:27

Yes I agree she did Fanjo but I don 'to think she is entirely wrong in being concerned with her neighbours constant appearances and chatter to her Dd if she is feeling uncomfortable around him herself. I maybe slightly biased as I was myself abused by a neighbour who was known as "harmless and a great laugh" by pretty much everyone. That hasn't made me paranoid but it has made me listen to my own instincts and I suppose be protective of my dd, mind you we are still very friendly, sociable people.

These are things that have been helpful for my neighbours who are a bit isolated op, if you are still here. DW and I agree a set time for a cuppa or catch up and we always stick to it. We invite them to all of the social things we do with neighbours so that they have a chance to meet other people and because then other people can see what good company they are. Finally my dad works for a voluntary group of befrienders that visits people in their homes for a chat. Once he knows a bit about their interests he often takes them out and about to museums or to play snooker or whatever. I think some people find this less scarey than going to a club.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 12:28

Mrs I described earlier how my small sweet DD was annoying a young couple with a child, they felt the need to stop their plans to build waist high fencing and indeed mix it up...but put in all along the length very high fences.

That was after a few weeks of no fences and my DD merely sitting near them Confused

this lady has had 10 years of this and now is not wanting to go in her own garden.