To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

Mrs W , ahh but the op said he had AS in her op
so that is beside the point.

Well it's not beside the point. I'm putting forward a "What if" scenario to make people thing. She said she suspects as not that he has it anyway.

I'm am suspicious. There are posters here who have not posted before, and are posting with an awful lot of detail in support of op.

She was horrible to him, walking away mid conversation is horrible. Not explaining to him about boundaries, but expecting him to know, when you know he has AS, is horrible. Implying there is something sexual is horrible.

Maybe OP can turn to the law:

"Harassment can include repeated attempts to impose unwanted communications and contact upon a victim in a manner that could be expected to cause distress or fear in any reasonable person."

She could argue she's scared that he's 'grooming' the kid. And before you all get precious, he very well could be. How do YOU know otherwise?

Alternatively, his behaviour may fall within the definition of 'stalking'. This actually seems the better plan:

"Whilst there is no strict legal definition of 'stalking', section 2A (3) of the PHA 1997 sets out examples of acts or omissions which, in particular circumstances, are ones associated with stalking. For example, following a person, watching or spying on them or forcing contact with the victim through any means, including social media.

The effect of such behaviour is to curtail a victim's freedom, leaving them feeling that they constantly have to be careful. In many cases, the conduct might appear innocent ( if it were to be taken in isolation), but when carried out repeatedly so as to amount to a course of conduct, it may then cause significant alarm, harassment or distress to the victim."

OP get to your local CAB and get this sorted. I wish you the very best.

I know the OP seems inflammatory but

"I don't mean to be racist, but..... (sound familiar?)

And I am NOT disablist....my sister's son is Autistic....

"I am not racist, my best friend's cousin's co-worker is ... " (sound familiar??)

OP, I am not precisely certain exactly WTF you think your elderly neighbour is going to do to your 5yo dd, over a 7ft fence with you supervising nearby. Do you think that whilst your back is turned he's going to scale the fence, carry her off and be gone in the blink of an eye or something?? Seriously. What exactly do you think he is going to do? I imagine you are not just letting your 5yo loose in your garden unsupervised for hours at a time. So where exactly is the perceived danger? (and I say perceived simply because that is all it is - YOUR perception, which, I might add, is seriously skewed IMO).

oh yes go to the CAB and tell them about the fence

Yes, unlikely the OP will go too far to complain, if she ends up disclosing her 7 ft fence. Ah, the irony.

MrsWinninbago

If the op had posted that her neighbour annoyed her and she was a private person I would have posted that it's not terribly neighbourly but her choice.

I don't need to be helped to think thanks.
To try and make her op sound less mean spirited she started throwing in references to pervert and her dd somehow being vulnerable in the context of his aspergers. That was her choice. I objected. The thread then meandered into bollocks about instinct and an odd man once having been a paedophile.

If people don't want me to comment on preposterous tenuous links between SN and perverts then they can chose not to post them, or to ignore my responses.
Unless there has been a vote I am unaware of and we now have posters who can tell others what they are permitted to comment upon ?

I feel for you OP. People like your neighbour can be very draining. An hour long chat every time you go in the garden is a big chunk out of your day.
Does he have any hobbies? . You could give him some leaflets about events or classes he might be interested in.

Aye, you can try to fob him off about leaflets etc. Alternatively, you could try to learn something about AS and then you would comprehend that he ain't going to go to the clubs or develop his hobbies without help. You could get in touch with Age Concern and get him a 'buddy' to help with those things, then he'd have more to talk to you about.

I think it is a red herring too MrsWinnibago or rather I think this would still be an uncomfortable situation whether her neighbour had ASD or not. Totally agree that jumping to conclusions about this man because he MAY have ASD are wrong.

My two neighbours that have mental health problems are wonderful people and I really like them however if either of them engaged me in long conversations every single time I left the house or did the same to my Dd I would feel unhappy with that . Not because they have mental health problems (although one of them can
n be aggressive when not on her medication) but because it is a uncomfortable, overly intrusive situation that, as far as I can see, no one has actually offered a solution to that the op has not already tried. Apparently it is fine for her to feel ill at ease enough not to even go into her own garden though.

Odd to suggest that anyone supporting the op is somehow suspicious but no one else is!!!

Okay, I can see both sides to this. I would hate to feel like I was spied on and couldn't go in my garden without the neighbour suddenly appearing. That would really irritate me. I expect he thought that you built the fence because of your shed break-in and it was nothing to do with you trying to block him out, hence why he built the steps so he could carry on chatting to you. There was a man who used to get on my bus when I was a teenager who had special needs and I'll admit that I used to avoid him, not because he had special needs, but because I felt frightened of him. He would talk to random people on the bus about all sorts of stuff and also had no concept of boundaries but the difference being he could sometimes become aggressive and I found him intimidating. If you've lived next to this man for 12 years and had hour long conversations with him you can't feel that uneasy around him.

I feel sorry for both of you really and I haven't got any solutions. I hate having my personal space invaded so would feel very upset about a neighbour appearing all the time. Having said that, this man sounds like he's had a pretty crap life. I can understand why he won't go to clubs - he's probably been rejected and ridiculed by his peers his whole life and doesn't want to go through it again. Even his own family have shunned him despite him caring for their relative for years. That is incredibly sad. I think this is different to the scenario the poster said about the old lonely man who was an abuser as she said the children ran away from him. They clearly didn't like him whereas your daughter will happily chat to him so she obviously feels comfortable enough to do that. Maybe that's because her instincts aren't developed enough yet but I do think you're being unfair to this man. Other than being a bit odd he hasn't given any indication that he's a pervert. If you'd said that he's someone who approaches children a lot, watches them through the window or has made strange comments to you then that would be different. It sounds to me like he spoke to your daughter because he likes talking to your family because he thinks you're nice and he would like chatting to any of you. Unless there's something you're not telling us, the only indication he's given that he's a pervert is by talking to your daughter once about school, which isn't really much to go on and I don't see how that's inappropriate.

She didn't say only that.

She implied he was a paedophile.

womblesofwestminster Don't pull the rug under his feet like that. At least tell him to stop. He has no clue he's bugging her unless she tells him. Geez, that's cruel. He doesn't know he's upsetting her and then suddenly getting served with papers... He'll never want to be around people again.

Also, pedos are usually charming to gain parent's trust, not socially awkward. That's why they get away with doing it, because parents can't believe that the person would be capable of that, so the let down their guard and leave their children around them. You have more to worry about your best friend harming your DC than a stranger who's blocked by a fence. Think about it, would you leave your DC with someone you trust, or someone you find "a bit weird".

X posted. I was addressing chocadoobie.

yay more posts about how scarey people with sn are

Everyone's opinions of people with SN being stigmatized are not relevant what an earth gives you the right to claim this? That statement has actually astounded me!

There is one poster here who popped up on a previous similar thread (was deleted) and had the same aggressive, goading style.

Agreed ADHDNoodles. I think serving papers before telling him to stop is going WAY too far.

I think, in the circumstances, writing a note would be better than trying to talk it through as it is less likely to be misunderstood or misremembered. It may seem harsh to be so blunt but he isn't getting the hint that you don't want to talk every time you go out so you're going to need to spell it out - as politely and as kindly as you can.

I have reported join thornrose.

So MNHQ will know if they really did just join

There are 2 other threads currently where AS is mentioned and both are referring to negative characteristics. Is there any bloody hope?

womblesofwestminster
there needs to be a little give and take

That suggests a reciprocal relationship where both parties gain something. Is that really the case here?

Of course it is the case here. If she can be friendly and give the poor man something to look forward to, then she can also tell him, "I am so sorry but right now we need to be alone but we will see you on xxx day"

He gets the company he needs, she gets to tell him that right now is not a good time.

Special needs or not, people do understand no, not right now. I've looked after a little boy high on the Autistic spectrum, non-verbal, very frustrated but he understood when I gave him things to look forward to for 15 minutes of quiet time.

It's the mixed messages that she is giving her neighbour. It's fine to talk for an hour one day (ok not fine but she doesn't tell him it's not fine, she just fumes internally) but the next day she hides from him or ignores him completely. This would throw anybody into turmoil. Just give the poor man an incentive. Leave me alone now and I'll be all yours in a while. Nobody is saying she has to spend a great deal of time with him but who knows, if she engages with him rather than nodding and saying yes I know whilst screaming in her head, leave me alone, she might find he is an interesting man.

One day you or me (definitely me!) could find us as the lonely old neighbour and none of the neighbours have time for us. If you do nothing all day and talk to no-one you don't have much to talk about apart from your mashed potatoes or the broken traffic lights near the post office! Give him something to talk about.

One day you or me (definitely me!) could find us as the lonely old neighbour and none of the neighbours have time for us. If you do nothing all day and talk to no-one you don't have much to talk about apart from your mashed potatoes or the broken traffic lights near the post office! Give him something to talk about.

^ this.

What a sad world it is when someone of an older generation talks to children they are automatically thought if in horrible terms.

Joined what a delightfully tolerant kind neighbour you are. I sincerely hope that none of my AS children ever have the pleasure of coming across you.