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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

533 replies

lbsjob87 · 07/08/2014 13:47

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

OP posts:
FatherDickByrne · 08/08/2014 10:51

Grow bamboo. I've got it - it's really tall & bushy & provides a brilliant screen. I'm on the fence re. the rest. On the fence! Geddit?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 08/08/2014 10:57

I suspect that if the OP had stuck with "my neighbour is annoying and AIBU to feel that it's not my responsibility to chat with him" then she'd have less controversy.

However, the OP (in a blatant attempt to bolster her comments and justify herself) has launched into a unjustifiable and unfair implication that the neighbour is a pervert or paedophile, simply because he chats to her child. And that IMO is where she crossed the line.

There are lots of people on MN I find weird and annoying (OP included actually), but I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that they're a pervert.

And I don't want to out and out accuse her of acting ridiculously paranoid and displaying her ignorance of disabilities and SNs... but something is just not right. Hmm

thornrose · 08/08/2014 10:58

Oh I just love it when a poster resorts to the usual brigade comments when no-on agrees with them.

That pesky This is my child campaign trying to inform people, what are we like!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 08/08/2014 10:59

And she's taking a chance that someone might know who she is or what area she is in, as she's outright admitted that her fence is higher than the legal limit. She may have more pressing concerns if it's reported.

I love how people feel the rules only apply to others. Let's just keep building the fence higher instead of, oh I don't know, actually trying to find an intelligent solution. Hmm

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 11:00

Well the OP has multiple posts on Mumsnet going back some months She certainly seems to be the real deal. It's so easy to go "TROLL" when someone posts and you don't like what they're saying.

As I said before, there's an unhealthy tendency for MN to leap on and squash ANYONE who complains about the actions of a man with no proof of anything.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/08/2014 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bottlecat · 08/08/2014 11:01

'there's an unhealthy tendency for MN to leap on and squash ANYONE who complains about the actions of a man with no proof of anything.'

lol...that would be reflecting the law of the land then...

thornrose · 08/08/2014 11:03

bottlecat Grin Grin

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/08/2014 11:04

Sounds very healthy

Pagwatch · 08/08/2014 11:10

'there's an unhealthy tendency for MN to leap on and squash ANYONE who complains about the actions of a man with no proof of anything'

There isn't. It's not unhealthy. What is unhealthy is to try to pretend that anyman who is in anyway unusual can be treated as suspect. And touting instinct as some kind of super power that can spot a paedophile at the first slightly socially awkward behaviour is ridiculous.

Instinct can be useful. But 'he's a bit odd and has SN so I will assume he is dangerous and a paedophile ' is just prejudice. Simple prejudice.

ADHDNoodles · 08/08/2014 11:14

There are lots of people on MN I find weird and annoying (OP included actually), but I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that they're a pervert.

This. It really is ok to dislike someone for whatever reason you see fit. It's not ok to treat them poorly because of it, but it's fine to dislike people.

But at least just say it for what it is. "I dislike neighbor because he holds me hostage with verbiage every chance he gets. I built a high fence to keep him out, and he put steps there to keep it up". I don't think anyone would fault you for not wanting to socialize with someone. Some people find socializing exhausting and draining.

As someone with social anxiety, I can understand avoiding the garden. But it's not good to revolve your life around making you don't get pushed outside your comfort zone.

It's pretty safe to say that if a fence didn't give him the hint, you'll have to be blunt about it. You can be friendly and blunt.

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 11:15

As I said before, ALL that matters is that the OP is uncomfortable with him constantly popping up when she or DD goes outside.

Everyone's opinions of people with SN being stigmatized are not relevant. They're not. She feels the way she feels regardless of everyone's accusations. She wanted advice.

BEtter to tell her how to manage than to abuse her.

thereturnofshoesy · 08/08/2014 11:17

MrsWinnibago that means nothing, people can post for ages and be trolls(not saying op is one) look at DP and M

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 11:17

She also has not been horrible to him.

We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space

We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested

womblesofwestminster · 08/08/2014 11:18

there needs to be a little give and take

That suggests a reciprocal relationship where both parties gain something. Is that really the case here?

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 11:20

Shoesy I suppose so. I know who DP is or was but not M.

I know the OP seems inflammatory but there are times when we all feel protective of our DC rightly or wrongly.

And an incident my Mother had reminds me a bit of this. A man aged about 49 in her estate began to send her notes asking her to go swimming with him...my Mum is almost 70 and these notes had a definite flirty edge to them and she, being widowed was very upset.

People locally said "Oh he's got learning difficulties" as though she ought to NOT be upset because of this. But she was! She couldn't help but feel threatened.

And I am NOT disablist....my sister's son is Autistic....I know all about the awful experiences people can have when they're disabled but really....the OP should have her privacy if she wants it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/08/2014 11:21

"the usual brigade".

What's that all about, goading much? Hmm

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 11:22

I don't think the poster was referring to the well known poster Usual

She meant the usual brigade...the usual bunch.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 08/08/2014 11:23

Everyone's opinions of people with SN being stigmatized are not relevant. They're not.

Well, I'd say that's pretty much the law of the land being followed as well.... Hmm

She feels the way she feels regardless of everyone's accusations. She wanted advice.

Yup. She asked, she got some, she didn't like it. Life's a bitch, eh?

Notme2014 · 08/08/2014 11:25

Thank you for your kind response to my post MrsWinnibago. Not something I find easy to write about. I think the thing about abuse is you DON'T know, instincts (either way) are NOT reliable, and by the time you have any proof it is too bloody late - the damage has been done.So the surest thing to stick to is that this is an unwanted annoyance and an intrusion into her private space. Personally, I would drop him a card saying that you really understand that he wants someone to chat to but you come to the garden for some quiet time to collect your thoughts after a busy day, and please would he mind leaving you and your family be.

Pagwatch · 08/08/2014 11:25

I am going to post every single time I see posts supporting the idea that a man with SN is likely to be a danger.

I'm afraid no one can tell other posters what they should address or how they may respond.

Floggingmolly · 08/08/2014 11:26

It's hardly inappropriate for him to chat to your daughter over the fence... Hmm

Pagwatch · 08/08/2014 11:26

'the usual brigade' is just another version of the dull and odious 'the SN brigade'

meltedmonterayjack · 08/08/2014 11:27

YANBU. I'm ok with neighbours talking to my kids. I am not OK with neighbour building steps so he can peer over high fence and every time dd is in the garden, scaling them so he can talk to her.

I am not ok with knowing someone is watching our comings and goings to the extent they know every time we have stepped through our door into our garden.

He may be on the AS, he may be lonely but personally I wouldn't like it if I was in OPs situation. I imagine it's very unsettling knowing someone is watching your back door/garden etc. I feel sorry for the neighbour because he is lonely and desperate for human contact, but it does sound as if OP chats to him, has offered to take him to local clubs etc. It's not a problem for him to talk to OPs dd, but not every single time the little one steps outside.

MrsWinnibago · 08/08/2014 11:28

Pagwatch what about if he DIDN'T have SN? Would you post then too?

In my opinion the potential SN here are a red herring. If he didn't have any suspected SN she would probably still feel uncomfortable. I would.