to not want to be a guarantor to a loan that DW's friend and husband want to take out.

[BreakingDad77]

I am aware they are not good with money (Im not amazing but are not anywhere near CCJ/default) and already have court collections on money they own. They need this to bridge the time till the DW friend goes back to work after maternity leave, supposedly they are short for rent and need 5-6k.

DW says we not at risk but I have told her that I believe that say they default then they would come after us and because we wouldn't be able to manage that extra then it would get put on our house.

I dont like the idea of money between friends like this.

Chaz sorry (autocorrect)

Your DW is at best naive and at worst, very silly. Seriously man, there is a one word answer to this request. If this type of thinking is out of character for your DW, I would seriously be asking her WTAF!

As a guarantor you won't just be liable for the amount they borrow but the amount they owe, fees and interest would exceed the amount borrowed if they defaulted.

Would she stick to a budget if there was something in it for her? Maybe she feels sticking to a budget is deprivation like being on a diet? Could you build some short term treats into your savings plan so she can start to feel the benefits of saving up for things?

For example
Allocate £10 pw for saving towards a nice meal out. So in 6 weeks you could go somewhere and have £30 a head to spend.
Or
£15-20 pw for 3 months and have a weekend away.

BUT
If she overspends (without good reason) then the overspend has to come out of the treat money and she will have to wait longer for the treat.

The reason your wife isn't CC bad with money is because she has you, she's irresponsible with money so it's no wonder she doesn't see the risk.

No is a complete sentence and It is prudent (especially if you're in a relationship with someone who is bad with money) to take out regular credit reports to check that there isn't anything strange going on in your personal finances.

Blimey chaz, the OP's wife might be a financial arse but I can't see any grown woman being anything other than hugely insulted and patronised at your 'saving for treats and get them taken away if you misbehave' plan - she's an adult not a child.

Any news from OP? An update would be good.

Capt, OP posted 45 mins ago!

Bearbehind this is where I think I feel I fall down sometimes in that I can come across patronising. I hate debt as was never brought up to use credit, save for stuff. All her friends seem to be ok about debt, some have been saddled with ccj's though not always their fault, some had dodgy partners who frittered money away.

I think you just need to be firm and say this is how much money we can afford for you to spend- if you can't stick to that then we don't have a future unless she can increase her earnings to cover it.

That's the consequence of overspending, it's not having your 'treats' taken off you.

I know it's hard but you can't continue to allow her to think she can carry on like she is otherwise one day you'll end up like the couple needing the guarantor.

Bearbehind
I don't agree. If she doesn't see the point of saving then laying down the law won't work. If she doesn't care about the abstract (to her) consequences of overspending then she will carry on because the spending brings more immediate satisfaction than the saving.

Sorry posted to soon

You need her to buy into the process and I'm not convinced the here is the spreadsheet approach works for her.

If she doesn't see the point of saving then laying down the law won't work

It will if they split up over it.

It's clear the OP has tried to get her to 'buy into the process', patronising her with promises or treats and threats of penalties for misbehaviour isn't going to help.

She needs to realise what the ultimate consequence of all this will be.

Or alternatively you help her learn the benefit of saving but apparently that is patronising.

It is patronising in the way you suggested.

I'm not sure OP, I'd start by phoning some of the debt management charities and asking for advice. I'd also look at councelling and see if there is anyone who specializes in consumption and over spending.

After you find someone, you'll have to try and see if your dw will agree to go and see someone, or that there is indeed a problem. Unfortunately, if she doesn't agree, or want to change, all your research and hard work won't matter - at the end of the day, only she can decide to change. Sorry to sound a bit doom laden, but I've watched people try and move heaven and earth to get someone to change, and the heart ache of trying to get someone to change is awful, and is not helpful in the end either.

I don't think some of the posters understand the emotional depth and strength of the issues behind financial dysfunctional behaviour issues. It's not just a question of rational persuasion and common sense, but deep seated issues around things like self esteem, control, power and addiction.

I would strongly advise against the OP becoming some kind of financial gatekeeper or parental figure in the relationship, dispensing rewards and punishments as he sees fit. That's one very easy way of destroying a relationship.

Chunderella I don't think anyone would take that bet, I agree with you it's a sure thing.

Your wife needs to change herself OP and it doesn't sound like she cares or wants to. Which leaves the question: can you go on like this forever or is there a line you will reach and say 'enough's enough, this isn't working?'

I'm not saying ltb, but something like this is a very big incompatibility and well, people won't change for you so you either have to change and compromise or change and draw a line.

bear
You have misunderstood my suggestion which maybe because I was typing quickly on a phone. He is not dispensing treats, she agrees the goal with him and they save together. However, if she blows cash elsewhere then she has to recognise that the shortfall has to come from somewhere. Saving to pay off debt or build up savings is an abstract and if you don't see the value in that then it's hard to sacrifice present satisfaction for future security. If someone isn't in the habit of saving and deferring gratification then surely you need to start with savings goals that are meaningful and satisfying for them.

I see an analogy with people who are struggling to loose weight, hence my reference to diets in a previous post. If someone is an emotional eater then telling them that all they need to do is stick to 1500 cals a day isn't going to help them lose weight.

Don't give her the silent treatment. Talk to her.

If I behaved like an immature child with my and DH's joint funds I'd expected to be treated like one. Chazs suggestion seems pretty reasonable to me.

Stop having joint finances. If she isn't prepared to stick to agreed budgets then she can't expect joint finances. However the budgets do have to be agreed and not dictated.

It's simple shared money shared decisions own money own decision.

Guarantor loans are paid into the guarantors bank account, and if I have understood your PP correctly she mentioned keeping some of the cash, this makes me wonder if she has debt she is not telling you about.