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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not allowing daughters dad to see her...?

287 replies

NamesNick · 07/08/2014 09:22

ExP and I split over 2 years ago. When we first split he didn't want to see our daughter (who is now 4) so I fought really hard, reasoned, pleaded etc etc and we eventually came to an arrangement where he would see her regularly and have her overnight once a week.
I think that since our split he has really stepped up and they have a great relationship. DD loves her dad so much and I encourage this with all my heart. All I ever wanted was for him to love her as much as I do. And I believe he does. Up until now..
I told him when he initially refused to have a relationship with her that his decision would be final and it was all or nothing, he couldn't just pick her up and drop her when the fancy took him.
So, for the past 2 years everything has gone really smoothly - he appears to really love her and she loves him.
Regarding the maintenance payments, that hasn't gone as smoothly because 3 times in 2 years he has 'negotiated' a reduction in maintenance payments, but I have always conceded because to me a relationship with her dad is more important than the money he pays.

So, yesterday I get a text message requesting further reduction to which I compromise and agree to half way without any arguments - he works FT btw and lives with his mum - apparently his 'household' are having financial issues and he wants to help them out...
He did not agree to my compromise and stated this is what you will get and that's it...needs must apparently.

I know this was being a bit of a cow but, I told him...ok, you pay what you pay but come to collect dd and drop her off, I'm no longer wasting fuel to facilitate your access. His response: well I won't see her at all then, (he lives in the same area so a 15 minute walk) and instead of having her last night as per our arrangement he went out. I actually called him to say ok I'm bringing her round. he said Fuck You and Fuck Her.

Last night I get a text message saying: I will pay but I want both of you to be strangers to me.

This is what I've done:

Told him not to pay anything I dont want his money if he not interested in spending time love and effort with his 4 year who dotes on him. I have given him unti Friday to decide what he wants to do.

He may well take a few weeks 'off' from seeing her an then try to get back in but I told him the previous time that it was all or nothing and I won't have him pick her up and drop her like a bad smel when he throws a titty lip.

If he decides by Friday that he doesn't want to see her AIBU to refuse him any contact in future. What do I do

She loves him and it breaks my heart, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:39

Named no he is an adult he needs to buck his ideas up, do no such thing

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 13:40

aero, as if!! Grin
leaving him to it.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 13/08/2014 13:42

I meant with Shameful, Aero.

He won't go to court because that takes time and money!

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 14:14

Exactly chipped it takes time and money, which ex cannot be bothered with, if he can't be prepared to fight for her than he's not worth it.

Coolas · 13/08/2014 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippey · 13/08/2014 15:21

Just read most of the thread. I agree with the posters who say this is not a good dad.

Did I read that he was going to move away etc etc? Move away from his responsibilites more like.

I would want to hurt him as much as possible. Hurt him where it hurts, in his pocket. Its good that you went to the CSA.

OP I think you have been quite brave and principled here, and tactful for not responding to his recent communications. Dont give him back any control and let him stew.

zippey · 13/08/2014 15:23

I dont agree with Coolas advice about contacting him, and also lying to him.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 15:24

I would not bother, you are giving him ammunition to behave badly.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 15:25

Exactly zippy your just bringing him into another argument or to huff again if you do that!

LadySybilLikesCake · 13/08/2014 15:33

I'd also ignore him until he grows up and starts acting like a father. Your dd deserves better.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 15:39

I caved.
I am furious with myself.
text him.

I have told her that daddy is poorly rather than the truth that daddy doesnt want her. she asks for you regularly and wants to bring you medicine.
she has also been referred to speech and language therapy. not sure what else to say really

his reponse
thanks. nothing wrong with her speech. (amount of money) in your account 25th. thanks again

the fucking arse hole.

why didnt I listen. NO MORE MESSAGES NAMES!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 15:41

so he just wanted the opening to be able to reiterate his decision and bring it all back to money.
as if that gives him the moral high ground.
deluded fucking wanker of a human

kick me up the arse MN

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/08/2014 15:44

At least you can keep the messages as evidence of how reasonable you've been throughout. He has missed a golden opportunity there to apologise and retract his earlier statements but he didn't take it. No surprises there but at least you have it in writing.

Don't beat yourself up over it.

Coolas · 13/08/2014 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadySybilLikesCake · 13/08/2014 15:46

It's OK, you're just giving him an update on how DD is, so it's not as if you're grovelling at his feet. It's a bit off that he's argued that there's nothing wrong with her rather than showing any sort of concern though.

Coolas · 13/08/2014 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coolas · 13/08/2014 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 15:54

the money he is paying is my suggested compromise.

so he is obviously still angry at not getting his own way.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 13/08/2014 15:58

Does he know you've gone to the CSA??

butterflybuttons · 13/08/2014 15:58

I agree don't be angry with yourself - you have behaved like a decent human being - he just can't deal with the truth, so he lashes out at you. What is he 5? I have to say if he is this awful your daughter will be better off without him in the long run. I am sorry she is upset at the moment though - that is bloody horrid. He has painted himself into this corner - it is up to him to get himself out of it.

Pyjamaramadrama · 13/08/2014 15:58

I understand why you text him back.

I suspect that you were hoping for more from him. But he's basically thrown it back in your face.

The reason I say to ignore him isn't so that you can be stubborn. It's because you can't reason with an unreasonable person. And every time you try you just get anger and hurt.

He's keeping the lines of communication open is so that he can continue to blame you and/or pick up where he left off of and when he so chooses.

That's why I say decide what you expect for an absolute minimum, and don't respond to anything less.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 15:59

ladysybil. she was discharged from salt 2 years ago. but that was because she was beginning to use words and were not too concerned about pronunciation at 2yrs. her pronunciation is poor imo, despite phonics songs and repeating everything she says correctly. it just seems he thinks because he can understand her that its ok for her to carry on speaking the way she does...
anothet example of not having dds best interests at heart

OP posts:
Coolas · 13/08/2014 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 16:02

Regarding the csa. yes I have contacted them and was told to call them back on 11th using the ref number they gave me
although I was made aware at the time that I would need to pay a 20pound fee..which i dont have until Thursday.

should I go to csa. or wait to see what is paid on 25th

OP posts:
MollyHooper · 13/08/2014 16:05

I do think you now need to find a way to disconnect yourself from him now, for good.

That last text from him leaves things quite open in terms of text messages and I worry that he will continue to indulge himself in more drama at you and your DDs expense.

Personally, I would send a final text along the lines of 'As per your request for no contact I won't be responding to texts from now on. I have left the option of your family to have contact with DD if they choose. Good luck in life, Names'

Then block his number once and for all. If he does decide to change him mind then he can do it officially through a solicitor. Don't worry about how you will come across here, it's his decision and for your DDs sake you can't afford for him to continue to mess her around.