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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not allowing daughters dad to see her...?

287 replies

NamesNick · 07/08/2014 09:22

ExP and I split over 2 years ago. When we first split he didn't want to see our daughter (who is now 4) so I fought really hard, reasoned, pleaded etc etc and we eventually came to an arrangement where he would see her regularly and have her overnight once a week.
I think that since our split he has really stepped up and they have a great relationship. DD loves her dad so much and I encourage this with all my heart. All I ever wanted was for him to love her as much as I do. And I believe he does. Up until now..
I told him when he initially refused to have a relationship with her that his decision would be final and it was all or nothing, he couldn't just pick her up and drop her when the fancy took him.
So, for the past 2 years everything has gone really smoothly - he appears to really love her and she loves him.
Regarding the maintenance payments, that hasn't gone as smoothly because 3 times in 2 years he has 'negotiated' a reduction in maintenance payments, but I have always conceded because to me a relationship with her dad is more important than the money he pays.

So, yesterday I get a text message requesting further reduction to which I compromise and agree to half way without any arguments - he works FT btw and lives with his mum - apparently his 'household' are having financial issues and he wants to help them out...
He did not agree to my compromise and stated this is what you will get and that's it...needs must apparently.

I know this was being a bit of a cow but, I told him...ok, you pay what you pay but come to collect dd and drop her off, I'm no longer wasting fuel to facilitate your access. His response: well I won't see her at all then, (he lives in the same area so a 15 minute walk) and instead of having her last night as per our arrangement he went out. I actually called him to say ok I'm bringing her round. he said Fuck You and Fuck Her.

Last night I get a text message saying: I will pay but I want both of you to be strangers to me.

This is what I've done:

Told him not to pay anything I dont want his money if he not interested in spending time love and effort with his 4 year who dotes on him. I have given him unti Friday to decide what he wants to do.

He may well take a few weeks 'off' from seeing her an then try to get back in but I told him the previous time that it was all or nothing and I won't have him pick her up and drop her like a bad smel when he throws a titty lip.

If he decides by Friday that he doesn't want to see her AIBU to refuse him any contact in future. What do I do

She loves him and it breaks my heart, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:04

It will also stipulate drop off arrangements too

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 13:06

im not sure about his family being dysfunctional they seem to be in the 'anything for a quiet life' camp.
xp does have the tendency to just bin everyone off so I suspect they will keep him sweet so he continues to live there and contribute financially.

having said that. I know his mother quite well and she will be mortified at this. embarrassed most likely that her son could act this way.

but no one will go over xps head and establish contact. that much I do know.

I have been the instigator in all of the relationships. picking her up dropping her off. Not once has anyone travelled the 15mins to pop in for coffee and to see her

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 13:10

aero. I would welcome all arrangements to be formalised. that way we do not need to communicate and potential for disagreement is reduced significantly.

I feel stronger just for getting it all down on paper so to speak..this is a bit like a diary.

OP posts:
shamefulsecret111 · 13/08/2014 13:10

Hi, OP.

I know it's a difficult predicament to be in but if he you have fought this hard for your daughter to have a stable relationship and then take that away from him, just for the sake of $, does that make you any better than him?

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:11

He really is a big baby which they grown adults are scared of. Well their loss.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:12

Shameful have you read the whole thread especially the op posts?

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 13:12

shameful. what do you mean? have you read the thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 13:14

I dont believe im the one doing the 'taking away'

in fact I had no choice in the matter.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:15

I suggest you read them first, he has cut contact. Who says fuck [childs name] about their dd, tells op that his dd is a stranger to him. Op gave him time to cool off and calm down, he still missed his contact and refused to see his dd. Too right he support his child and take responsibility. Why should she keep bending over for this fair weather father, he lives 15 min walk away he can easily come and get her. He should be taking responsibility don't you think!

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:16

He should be doing the running for his dd, not op

zippey · 13/08/2014 13:16

Im not sure if this has been said already, but he should keep paying you, wether he sees her or not. That isnt your money, its your daughters money, for her upkeep. If you dont need it, save it for her.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 13:17

zippey. yes that has been said. and very good advice.

OP posts:
shamefulsecret111 · 13/08/2014 13:23

Yes, he is taking the mick. I am not refuting that. But surely there are other ways (such as the CSA) rather than stopping your daughter seeing her father. They have a close relationship, it just seems a shame especially when YOU tried to hard to establish a relationship.

That is just my opinion.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 13:27

shameful I am not stopping dd from seeing him. he stopped wanting to see her.
to date he hasn't asked to see her.
what do you suggest I do? have dd with her coat and bag at 6pm tonight waiting at the door for a father I know will not turn up?
I have gone to cms (CSA) also.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/08/2014 13:27

Sigh. He is stopping seeing his own daughter.
He says he wants nothing to do with her. Nothing at all.

Did you just read the thread title, shameful?

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:27

Shameful op has not stopped her ex seeing the father read the posts, he does not want to see her anymore, ex does not want dd in his life anymore!

shamefulsecret111 · 13/08/2014 13:28

""It's goading. He knows he'll have upset you and dd, he knows you're likely to respond by telling him this, he knows it will end in a row. And then he can go and sulk further and blame it all on you a bit more.

Decide what you expect as a minimum. Presumably an apology and him to provide stability and consistency for your dd. set the bar in your mind and accept nothing less"

Well said, pyjamaramadrama, you put it a lot better than me.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:29

He told op that! Op is not preventing anything! She has to also protect her dd, so if ex wants contact he can go through the courts which fair enough.

Chippednailvarnish · 13/08/2014 13:29

Welcome to MN Shameful

Since when has a father saying "fuck her" to his child constitute a mother taking the child away?

Hmm
Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:33

Op is setting the minimum, he cannot out her down when he is in a sulk and pick her up again, do the same over and over. She has set the bar, she gave him until contact, he said the same, he wants nothing to do with her and missed contact when he was 15 mins down the road fgs! What sort of father does that. So as a result of his behaviour, op has quite rightly said no more! There are other systems that he can see his dd, just op does not want to do all the running and chasing which she should not have to!

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:34

So he apologises, it happens again, and again. Oh btw he has done no such thing, just asked about dd.

Chippednailvarnish · 13/08/2014 13:35

I wouldn't bother Aero

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 13:37

maybe shameful is suggesting that I tell xp that he needs to apologise.
of course he shouldn't have to work that out for himself...

while im at it I should wipe his arse too.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:38

No chipped he can go to court to get access, he is not a responsible adult and cannot be trusted not to mess dd round again

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 13:39

anyway. as it stands.
csa been contacted. im ignoring all communucation and xp still does not want dd.

OP posts: