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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not allowing daughters dad to see her...?

287 replies

NamesNick · 07/08/2014 09:22

ExP and I split over 2 years ago. When we first split he didn't want to see our daughter (who is now 4) so I fought really hard, reasoned, pleaded etc etc and we eventually came to an arrangement where he would see her regularly and have her overnight once a week.
I think that since our split he has really stepped up and they have a great relationship. DD loves her dad so much and I encourage this with all my heart. All I ever wanted was for him to love her as much as I do. And I believe he does. Up until now..
I told him when he initially refused to have a relationship with her that his decision would be final and it was all or nothing, he couldn't just pick her up and drop her when the fancy took him.
So, for the past 2 years everything has gone really smoothly - he appears to really love her and she loves him.
Regarding the maintenance payments, that hasn't gone as smoothly because 3 times in 2 years he has 'negotiated' a reduction in maintenance payments, but I have always conceded because to me a relationship with her dad is more important than the money he pays.

So, yesterday I get a text message requesting further reduction to which I compromise and agree to half way without any arguments - he works FT btw and lives with his mum - apparently his 'household' are having financial issues and he wants to help them out...
He did not agree to my compromise and stated this is what you will get and that's it...needs must apparently.

I know this was being a bit of a cow but, I told him...ok, you pay what you pay but come to collect dd and drop her off, I'm no longer wasting fuel to facilitate your access. His response: well I won't see her at all then, (he lives in the same area so a 15 minute walk) and instead of having her last night as per our arrangement he went out. I actually called him to say ok I'm bringing her round. he said Fuck You and Fuck Her.

Last night I get a text message saying: I will pay but I want both of you to be strangers to me.

This is what I've done:

Told him not to pay anything I dont want his money if he not interested in spending time love and effort with his 4 year who dotes on him. I have given him unti Friday to decide what he wants to do.

He may well take a few weeks 'off' from seeing her an then try to get back in but I told him the previous time that it was all or nothing and I won't have him pick her up and drop her like a bad smel when he throws a titty lip.

If he decides by Friday that he doesn't want to see her AIBU to refuse him any contact in future. What do I do

She loves him and it breaks my heart, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is?

OP posts:
WarblingOyster · 10/08/2014 12:09

Very glad you have gone down the child maintenance route! Likely he will be paying more than he originally bargained down to but now without the privilege of your DD's company.
With regards to DD asking about her 'father', just keep on with 'we won't be seeing daddy today/tomorrow'. She doesn't need to know he doesn't want to see her or why she won't be seeing him. You can tell her when she's older the truth behind it all.

What a fucking arsehole he is.

LadySybilLikesCake · 10/08/2014 12:12

It could be anything, NamesNick, most likely something in his head which he's misinterpreted, it could be a million and one things so you'll never really know. He does sound very self centred to be honest, and it's likely to be a control thing. He's pissed because you've taken control off him (in his head. You're being perfectly reasonable BTW), and he feels threatened. This is his way to get control back.

It's also all about him, not your DD. "he also text me yesterday. saying he loved her and missed her. he sees a lot of (his surname) in her which is nice but he doesnt want anything to do with the (my surname) part of her." Did he say that DD must be upset, or show any understanding about how she feels? I guess not. Any loving, sensible parent puts their child first, not themselves. He has a hell of a lot of growing up to do.

eddielizzard · 10/08/2014 12:19

he is incredibly selfish. it's all about him him him.

i think you are doing all the right things. you tried your best. now you're putting your dd's interests first and sadly i do think protecting her from the heartache of her selfish dad is a good idea. at least until he gets that it's not all about him.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2014 13:50

We'll what can you say, eventually the excuses will run out. There are only so many holidays or being poorly. Mabey some experienced people on here can suggest something.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2014 13:54

Names that's fantastic about daddies going away and not everyone has a daddy, good one. Sorry just reading bits of the thread as I have a active ds 2 year old.

LadySybilLikesCake · 10/08/2014 13:59

Ds has had sporadic contact with his father since he was 3. 'I don't know, but you're loved and wanted' covers it, Aero. There's no way I'd have ever have said that his father didn't want to see him/couldn't be bothered'. You don't tell your child anything which would make them hate their other parent.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2014 14:45

My goodness he said that, you can't blooming chop a child in half and give him his half can you for contact Shock pathetic and very childish. Best off he's out of her life with that immature attitude

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 10:18

I was just about to respond to a message from XP.

It reads:

Without the risk of a row please, how is she, hope she's ok. dont want think i wanted to upset her or even you cos i didn't...

So many things I want to say to him

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/08/2014 10:21

He is playing games with you, ignore him. If he wants access he can get legal advice.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 10:23

this is like therapy!!

engage mumsnet before acting

it helps so much

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/08/2014 10:38

Ignore.

He really is a shit.

He may have been drunk when he said fuck you and fuck her but he was sober when he told you no access, he wanted nothing to do with her etc etc.

Pyjamaramadrama · 13/08/2014 10:48

Just ignore him, honestly, that text is nothing but mind games you can do without.

If he texts you saying something like 'I'm sorry, I was a complete idiot and threw my toys out of the pram, can I please see dd and I promise I won't let her down again.

Then I might consider responding, other than that I wouldn't bother.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 10:53

good point pyjama. he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness imo.

I am ignoring him. let him stew in his own shite

thanks x

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 13/08/2014 11:01

It's goading. He knows he'll have upset you and dd, he knows you're likely to respond by telling him this, he knows it will end in a row. And then he can go and sulk further and blame it all on you a bit more.

Decide what you expect as a minimum. Presumably an apology and him to provide stability and consistency for your dd. set the bar in your mind and accept nothing less.

Pyjamaramadrama · 13/08/2014 11:02

I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't start saying he's got nothing left to live for now etc, he sounds the type.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 13/08/2014 11:25

I have no experience of splitting, DC's father not wanting to see them, etc, but maybe in some ways that helps me be more objective because I don't have any personal emotions involved.

I've RTFT though, and totally agree with many of the PPs. Do NOT reply to this latest text. Your ex 'wanted you out of his life' or said he did. He's now trying to feel you back in because you haven't been bombarding him with messages, haven't been needing him. Just ignore. He wants to play mind games with you, he can play them with himself instead.

Get the money from him for your DD's sake. How would you feel in 14 years' time if she wanted to go to university but couldn't afford it? Even if the money ends up amounting to just a month's rental deposit, it' something that you won't have to provide on top of everything else. And your ex needs to know that he can't just run away from responsibilities. Why should you find his lifestyle, which is effectively what you' debt doing if he doesn't pay his share?

If you don't need the cash right now, get it into your account then transfer some or all into a Junior ISA in your DD's name. We have junior iSAs for our DC (well, a CTF for DD, but they don't exist any more) and a little bit goes in every month. I also have an ISA in my name for the DC and when we can afford it we put a little in that. You can access it whenever (though you can't replace the money you withdraw, assuming you'd put in the max in each year), but it's tax-efficient.

Just ignore every single one of his texts - but don't delete them unless you've printed them first.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 13/08/2014 11:27

So many bloody autocorrects. Sorry. We need a "shite iPhone" emoticon.

Oldraver · 13/08/2014 11:38

I would not reply to him. IF any reply sufficed it would be 'do not contact me'

Personally I would block him as his texts will just wind you up

EdithWeston · 13/08/2014 12:00

Do have a think about your DD's relationship with the rest of her paternal family.

MIL is her GP. Did she see her regularly? This is a separate relationship to that with her (soon to move away?) father. It's not solely up to him to dictate the terms for DD's contact with her wider family.

Now, maybe it will all be too provoking and best left alone.

But I would urge you to think about a message to MIL to explain that he is choosing to sever contact and has told you he is moving away, and as none of this was your choice and you wanted her to know that you are happy for DD to continue to have a relationship with her GP. And though you realise this is a difficult time for her to be making decisions, the offer stands if she does not want to be a stranger. Though of course you might decide, after consideration, to reject that approach.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 12:11

edith. I agree with you regarding the extended family.
I sent a message to his mum and his sister...who live in same house on friday basically saying what you suggested. however to date have had no response.
I feel they will not communicate with me at his request.
the offer has been put to them so I think I need to just leave things as they are im afraid.

dd has asked for daddy morning noon and night. I even overheard her having a (fake) phone conversation with him asking if he wanted some medicine to make him feel better. breaks my heart tbh. he/they are missing out on so much and its only been a week Sad

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 12:33

How Sad, I would ignore him, unless he is full of remorse but those words have left his mouth f you f dd and you can never take them back. If he does want access, I would tell him to go to court for definite access arrangements. Don't play his games, dd does not need this. Your poor dd Sad

stubbornstains · 13/08/2014 12:51

I wouldn't hold out too much hope for contact with the family, TBH. Unfortunately, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and dysfunctional bloke= dysfunctional family all too often.

(This is from my own experience...to be honest I am still at a loss to explain the way DS's dad behaves sometimes, and his mum exhibits pretty much the same behaviour- ie, occasional extreme, over-the-top protestations of devotion towards DS, then abrupt cessations of contact. I found this particularly shocking in his mum, as I had never, ever experienced a grandmother behave in that way before Sad).

LadySybilLikesCake · 13/08/2014 12:53

I agree with making him go to court. At least then you'll have things written down. He's behaving like a child by withdrawing contact from her just because he doesn't like what you've said (ds's father has done this too). It's very unfair on your child, she doesn't deserve this.

I got to the point where contact was so sporadic (calls on ds's birthday had stopped, no emails, no letters, one visit every 18 months) I told him to buck up or not bother as it was unfair on ds to have someone picking him up and putting him down like a toy. His father didn't want to stop contact and things improved - he sent one letter and one email in 6 months then it stopped again. I left it up to ds as he was old enough by then to decide. Your DD may get to the point where she gets so attached to you she won't ask about him. It didn't take ds long to be honest. It's one way to destroy a relationship with your child. Sad

LadySybilLikesCake · 13/08/2014 12:56

Oh, and my ex is from a dysfunctional family. We rarely hear from them. If granny gets in contact it's a guilt trip about how much she misses ds, despite her knowing where we are etc. Ds isn't allowed to see his grandfather (they are divorced) and they won't tell us where he is. Any cards are 'passed to him' via them (I doubt it very much!). Please don't rely on his family, stubbornstains is right, the apple doesn't fall far at all.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 13:02

It stuns and angers me how a fully grown adult can take it out on a child, and one who clearly loves him. I think he's had more time to think about his actions and feels guilty, hence the texts asking about dd. Oh well he made his decision, dd is not a toy that can be dropped when he's in a sulk and picked up later on. If he does ask to see her I would tell him to take it to court, they will stipulate a definite contract arrangement, he will not be able to treat dd like that. It will go against him if he misses contact, or messes it about!