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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not allowing daughters dad to see her...?

287 replies

NamesNick · 07/08/2014 09:22

ExP and I split over 2 years ago. When we first split he didn't want to see our daughter (who is now 4) so I fought really hard, reasoned, pleaded etc etc and we eventually came to an arrangement where he would see her regularly and have her overnight once a week.
I think that since our split he has really stepped up and they have a great relationship. DD loves her dad so much and I encourage this with all my heart. All I ever wanted was for him to love her as much as I do. And I believe he does. Up until now..
I told him when he initially refused to have a relationship with her that his decision would be final and it was all or nothing, he couldn't just pick her up and drop her when the fancy took him.
So, for the past 2 years everything has gone really smoothly - he appears to really love her and she loves him.
Regarding the maintenance payments, that hasn't gone as smoothly because 3 times in 2 years he has 'negotiated' a reduction in maintenance payments, but I have always conceded because to me a relationship with her dad is more important than the money he pays.

So, yesterday I get a text message requesting further reduction to which I compromise and agree to half way without any arguments - he works FT btw and lives with his mum - apparently his 'household' are having financial issues and he wants to help them out...
He did not agree to my compromise and stated this is what you will get and that's it...needs must apparently.

I know this was being a bit of a cow but, I told him...ok, you pay what you pay but come to collect dd and drop her off, I'm no longer wasting fuel to facilitate your access. His response: well I won't see her at all then, (he lives in the same area so a 15 minute walk) and instead of having her last night as per our arrangement he went out. I actually called him to say ok I'm bringing her round. he said Fuck You and Fuck Her.

Last night I get a text message saying: I will pay but I want both of you to be strangers to me.

This is what I've done:

Told him not to pay anything I dont want his money if he not interested in spending time love and effort with his 4 year who dotes on him. I have given him unti Friday to decide what he wants to do.

He may well take a few weeks 'off' from seeing her an then try to get back in but I told him the previous time that it was all or nothing and I won't have him pick her up and drop her like a bad smel when he throws a titty lip.

If he decides by Friday that he doesn't want to see her AIBU to refuse him any contact in future. What do I do

She loves him and it breaks my heart, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is?

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 16:06

I actually feel that I have done everything I can. thank you to those who have said nice things about my conduct. it is important for me that im not the obstructive person here. I want dd to love and respect me for my decisions/conduct.
it also means I am better placed to guide and advise her in her life.

OP posts:
Coolas · 13/08/2014 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 16:08

yes molly. blocking his number is a good idea. I shall do that. I need to disconnect completely.
there are other ways of making contact if he really wanted to
ive made things too easy for him from the start.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 13/08/2014 16:08

Go to the CSA anyway unless you know exactly what he's earning and have seen proof. It sounds from what you've written here as if he's making any excuse to underpay your dd, her needs are not in his sight at all, so it could do with being calculated.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 16:09

having said that.
a small part of me would like the satisfaction of knowing I have ignored his messages rather than not receiving them at all iyswim

OP posts:
aprilanne · 13/08/2014 16:12

his mums problems are not yours or your childs .he needs to help pay for her.its his moral duty .but you are right not seeing him will do her more harm than good .

zippey · 13/08/2014 16:14

First he wants his daughter to be a stranger to him. And then he asks how she is.

Its just a game to him, and the goal is not his daughters wellbeing. Its his financial wellbeing. Thats why I wouldnt bother in dialogue after saying hurtful things about your daughter. How can any parent say those things. You wouldnt be able to say it, and your daughters heart would break if you told her the truth.

Someone above wisely said that the only time they would open dialougue is if he said/text along the lines of "Ive made a terrible mistake, I do love my daughter and would like to make arrangments to see her", in which case, direct him to your soliciters.

The rest is just huffy puffy game playing nonsense.

MollyHooper · 13/08/2014 16:15

I wouldn't advise that, far too tempting to respond when he starts accusing you of false things, which he will end up doing.

Surly it's more satisfying not to have to deal with him and his dramas any more?

Just look at this as a new start for you and your DD.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 16:18

so many conflicting opinions here but equally great advice

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 16:19

just being able to get it all out has helped me no end!

OP posts:
MollyHooper · 13/08/2014 16:23

You'll do whats best for you both in the end.

For what it's worth, I think you've went above and beyond to try and keep your DDs father in her life considering how he has behaved.

So whatever happens you can rest assured you have tried your best for her and kept her your focus in all of this.

notapizzaeater · 13/08/2014 16:37

You are being the better person here, but that won't help when your daughter is asking for him, he's an arsehole. She might not remember now but she will in the future.

butterflybuttons · 13/08/2014 17:11

I think there comes a point where you decide enough is enough. I bent over backwards trying to get my child's father to bother with regular contact - but he refused. My solicitor told me there is nothing I can do to force him to step up and be a father sadly. So he has vanished - and I won't try and contact him again to play his horrid version of cat and mouse. Because that is all it is - he loved the drama and that we were dancing to his tune when it suited him.

Most of the time he disappeared like smoke and could never get hold of him when we needed to. Your daughter's life without him will become a new normal, and you will just accept it. And you not speaking to him at all is probably the best way to protect both of you from the hurt and upset. It is tough and I really feel for you.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 17:25

I agree coolas now just don't reply to anymore texts. Your dd deserves more than this, you have behaved fantastically, he on the other hand is a disgrace. Using your dd as a weapon, and punishing her for you not rolling over and playing ball. Delete and block his number, but keep it on computer in case dd when she is older wants to contact him.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/08/2014 17:31

I think answering was a mistake (sorry) but it should demonstrate to you how caught up in him you still are.

He demanded no contact yet first chance you get you give him news about dd. so he has no responsibility but the relief of knowing everything is being taken care of.

I would block him but more importantly put him out of your head. He is behaving very badly and you can't fix it.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 18:05

I can understand why you are saying that john but I dont believe I am 'caught up' in him. in fact I have been quite indifferent towards him otherwise.
I am staggered by his recent decision and I am heartbroken on dds behalf.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/08/2014 18:07

It must be really bloody tough and conflicting too- you have my sympathies.

Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 18:10

but as someone said on thread. time to start a new life with dd.
I always try to conduct myself in a manner that I can look back and have no regrets about. I suppose thats what im doing here. kind of like not giving anyone ammunition to use against me.
and sometimes if I need to back down I will. if I believe its for the greater good.

backing down to him now is not imo for the greater good. if he ever decides he wants to see dd he will have to move heaven and earth to prove he is worthy

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 13/08/2014 18:12

gosh I bore myself sometimes Grin

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 13/08/2014 18:21

It's almost unbelievable that he can, even for a passing pathetic minute, think he can decide to make his daughter a stranger to him. Yet somehow, he has, and people do. So you need to act accordingly. He's being a pathetic twat and trying to get a rise out of you, possibly expecting you to cave and apologise for 'controlling' him or whatever he thinks you are doing, and that he will graciously resume contact after this point. But you know what he is now. 'Fuck DD'. If anyone said that about my DS they would be gone.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2014 19:05

Now no messaging, don't give him any baite, make a new future with dd without him in it!

Original poster
NamesNick · 14/08/2014 09:39

I'm looking for some help please.

Received the following message from XP last night:

Hello. please please please can I try and make it up to my daughter and see her again. I know our feelings but its nothing to do with DD. we miss her so much. I've hardly slept last 3 days and me and mum were v teary whilst talking yesterday. I will abide by your decision and whatever you say and do what it takes. Lost and pointless without her.

I left it for a couple of hours and responded with:

I am really struggling to understand what is going on in your head. What would you do if the situation were reversed? Would you forget about this and carry on regardless knowing that potentially she would be dumped again. Please tell me as I have no idea. You gave the impression you didn't want her anymore and I was prepared to deal with that. Once. Do you know that you cant just flit in and out of her life?

To which he replied:

It was your attitude when I ASKED about payment and your voliude with your awful words towards me and constant calling...I'm dds dad and friend. I agree to pick her up from yours and drop her off. All I wanna be is part of her life. Its my duty and pleaseure to do so. I'm her dad NamesNick I need her as much as she needs me...probably more. I say sorry to dd only for this past horrendous week.

I have yet to respond. Then I get.

Ok. get back to me in your own good good time. if not I'm out Sunday and we have a house full so someone eg (names potential collectors) could collect and drop off my girl. Others miss her, she's a part of our family and they wanna see her.

I still haven't responded.

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 14/08/2014 09:48

I'm thinking, allow contact but not as regular as before. For example not during the week - because she gets home too late and by the time I bathe and put her to bed, she's a nightmare to get out of bed the following morning.
Something along the lines of 1 or 2 nights every other weekend, so dd gets used to only seeing him every other week and when he spits his dummy out again she will be used to the longer periods of not seeing him.

I also want to say if this happens again, EVER. He will have to go to court for access.

I'd also like to suggest a 'communcations book' so that we do not have to speak. I.E what she's eaten, how she's slept, nursery updates, things he needs to work on with her - I'm thinking phonics etc from SALT.

Before this he didn't really communicate with me on drop off and collection but I feel this is neccessary.

I am quite prepared for you all to think I'm an idiot, and am looking for your input.

FWIW I do not need nor want an apology from him. It's all about dd and if he feels remorseful about what he has done to her then that's good enough for me. I'm not arsed that he can't seem to lighten up where I am concerned because it means nothing to me. I just don't want the continuous war of words because it's so tedious

OP posts:
butterflybuttons · 14/08/2014 09:55

I wonder if he will turn nasty again when the CMS get in touch re maintenance - also a communications book - is just another avenue for him to abuse you.

I would give yourself time to think about this - whatever your decision, you don't need to give him an answer this morning.

Annarose2014 · 14/08/2014 10:01

I am honestly not sure why you are not telling him to go to court for access NOW?

You sound like a very amenable person but tbh you would be allowing a very risky situation to develop this time. This is someone who still blames you for dropping his child. He has no intention of bearing responsibility for the last weeks events. It is all "Poor me, so downtrodden against her and her demands"

And what happens the next time you make a "demand"? The exact same thing, thats what.

In this instance I know you are trying to do the right thing, but I fear you are trying to do the right thing by their relationship rather than your daughter. Your daughter does not need any more drama. And he is a total drama queen who will flounce off at the slightest provocation. And if you let him back after one week, you are saying that it was excusable, and repairable, and not that big a deal, and lets forget about it and move on.

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