AIBU to consider not allowing daughters dad to see her...?

[NamesNick]

ExP and I split over 2 years ago. When we first split he didn't want to see our daughter (who is now 4) so I fought really hard, reasoned, pleaded etc etc and we eventually came to an arrangement where he would see her regularly and have her overnight once a week.
I think that since our split he has really stepped up and they have a great relationship. DD loves her dad so much and I encourage this with all my heart. All I ever wanted was for him to love her as much as I do. And I believe he does. Up until now..
I told him when he initially refused to have a relationship with her that his decision would be final and it was all or nothing, he couldn't just pick her up and drop her when the fancy took him.
So, for the past 2 years everything has gone really smoothly - he appears to really love her and she loves him.
Regarding the maintenance payments, that hasn't gone as smoothly because 3 times in 2 years he has 'negotiated' a reduction in maintenance payments, but I have always conceded because to me a relationship with her dad is more important than the money he pays.

So, yesterday I get a text message requesting further reduction to which I compromise and agree to half way without any arguments - he works FT btw and lives with his mum - apparently his 'household' are having financial issues and he wants to help them out...
He did not agree to my compromise and stated this is what you will get and that's it...needs must apparently.

I know this was being a bit of a cow but, I told him...ok, you pay what you pay but come to collect dd and drop her off, I'm no longer wasting fuel to facilitate your access. His response: well I won't see her at all then, (he lives in the same area so a 15 minute walk) and instead of having her last night as per our arrangement he went out. I actually called him to say ok I'm bringing her round. he said Fuck You and Fuck Her.

Last night I get a text message saying: I will pay but I want both of you to be strangers to me.

This is what I've done:

Told him not to pay anything I dont want his money if he not interested in spending time love and effort with his 4 year who dotes on him. I have given him unti Friday to decide what he wants to do.

He may well take a few weeks 'off' from seeing her an then try to get back in but I told him the previous time that it was all or nothing and I won't have him pick her up and drop her like a bad smel when he throws a titty lip.

If he decides by Friday that he doesn't want to see her AIBU to refuse him any contact in future. What do I do

She loves him and it breaks my heart, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is?

Infinity. I have taken everything you have said on board. This thread and your opinions have really helped me process my own thoughts and actually rationalise things.

There have been some really poignant things said in this thread.

He has been playing at it y'know.

Is it weird that I feel better equipped to deal with this just by posting this thread?

The instant he decided to involve your dd in all this would be the death knell. He put a good show on for you, his true colours were displayed this week. No good dad would say fuck in relation to his child, and would disown an innocent child. It would never cross dh mind to say or do those things.

His mother may well be upset because her lovely son has been stopped from seeing his beloved, only daughter by his nasty, money grabbing ex.

He can hardly tell her the truth can he?

Whereisegg. YES! Nail on the head.

It won't be long before truth comes out ;)

Why don't you arrange to see her and tell her the truth and show her the text/ emails so she knows exactly what going on

I have kept a very good relationship with his family Aero, so that is exactly what I intend to do. But not yet. I'll give it a few more days.

I don't want to appear to be going round 'on the bounce' iyswim

That's a good idea, if not to set the record straight. They are only hearing one side of the story

I would open with it, in text, e-mail or by phone.

"Hi mil, I was so sad when ex messaged me to say he no longer wanted contact with our dd, so I wanted to let you absolutely that I am for you to keep seeing her regularly.
Fancy a coffee/soft play/the park sometime soon? "

That sort of thing, although other posters could probably do better

*happy for you...

See what I mean about other posters doing better?!

What an absolute buttmunch he is. Twats like this never understand the grief they sow in innocent people's lives. He's a piece of shit, but even if he doesn't want contact, absolutely do take his money anyway.

Whereisegg- that is awesome! Definitely what you need to put!
you are doing brilliantly op, and the money thing can come second reallyin this whole thing, as seeing that little girl should be at the top of his list really, but def go for csa, if anything he cannot keep chopping and changing every 2 mins when it suits him

I absolutely will take your advice whereisegg.
thanks again everyone for getting me through today

Whereisegg that's brilliant.

Keep his family on side.

Update.

NN: Have you decided what you are doing about dd please?
XP: Thought we agreed no access after a lovely phone convo. im fine with that. been told to put distance between us all now on.
NN: I never agreed to no access. In fact my last message was hoping you would change your mind about her being a stranger to you. I don't want her to lose her dad. Do you? I genuinely thought you loved her.
XP: I miss her lots but time and your new family alienates me anyway. thinkin of movin early next year anyway, you and ((my boss)) can find someone else to abuse. Im done with it.
NN: I dont understand why you would disown her. Do you know how heartbroken she will be? Its not about me XP Its about dd. She needs you. Why cant you put her first?
XP: My mum heard our phone conversation and was very upset. Im not bringing trouble to her door so insist you stay away please.
NN: I will stay away. What about dd?
XP: And dd
NN: Ok its your decision, albeit clouded by something I do not understand. I only hope your rejection does not affect her in life. Good Luck living with your choice.

Ok, so that's that. Decision made.

Next stop. CSA

Oh, I'm really sorry op.

You must be gutted.

What an absolute cunt he is. He is talking such a load of rubbish too - it doesn't make any sense either with the stuff about his mum being upset.

Yes, contact CSA. Don't contact him. Poor you and DD.

Is it obvious from my messages that I have tried?
I worry that all his side of the family will think I am keeping her from him.
I am devastated to be honest.
Thanks for your support.

Oh poor you and poor dd

This man is a complete selfish waste of space, he is nothing but an overgrown toddler. He's blaming you but this is not your fault, it is not and you must keep that in mind.

I'm truly sorry it must be so hurtful for you. But better he does it now than in a few years time.

I really understand how you feel. Ds doesn't see his real dad. All you can think to yourself is "why don't they love the child as much as I do'?".

Don't beg or plead with him, it will only bring you lots of stress and heartache. By all means go to the CSA, if he wants access in the future have it formalised through the courts.

Try to look forward, onwards and upwards.

You can't control what other people do but you can make the best of your own life. Good luck.

You need to absolutely understand one thing here so that you are able to genuinely do the best for your daughter.

THIS MAN IS NOT, AND NEVER HAS BEEN, A GOOD FATHER.

You should have stopped giving him power in this situation a long time ago. Frankly, the text exchanges are terrible - how can you even enter into such a teenagerish, drama llama series of conversations about something so important - letting this scrote 'decide by Friday' whether he wants to continue to be a father to his own child? For me, the second this 'man' started throwing around his threats to withdraw the relationship would have been the moment he lost the right to have the relationship on my watch. Because, quite simply, the moment those words left his mouth, he ceased to be a father. He ceased to be able to claim he loves unconditionally, and that is what a real parent does. From that moment on, he was not a parent.

I can see that these exchanges come about through your desperation to do what you see is for the best, but I really really hope now that you can see two things. Firstly, a person who can say everything he has is simply not a parent. Not a dad. Not even a decent person. There is no discussion to be had on that from the moment he showed you he was able to even think such things. So stop it here -no more of anything. It does not matter what he might say next week, in a month, in a year. He is not a good father, and the best thing you can do is protect her from that - because if you don't, this same thing will happen again and again until she is old enough to end up scarred by it. As you predicted from the start.
The second thing is, it's clear from his childish, drama-filled, sulky exchanges that he's been telling his parents a lot of lies. 'Been told' to leave you alone? Hmm. Be aware that yes, they will have no idea of the reality of the situation. Be prepared for accusations and FB nonsense in spades, especially when you go to CSA, which you absolutely should. My advice would be to ignore it all. And most definitely to tell him to take a hike and go to court to get a defined contact order if he wants a second chance at having a child depend on him to be Daddy.

Honestly? The messages are ambiguous to anyone not knowing the whole picture. However, it appears and sounds like he is manipulating the situation to make it seem that you are the one making access too difficult and also he is trying to make you the the 'fall guy'.

I'd cut him out the loop now. CSA.

But, I'd also contact his mum via email or text (paper trail), to express how sorry you are that he no longer wants to see his daughter, but you will do all you can to help maintain her relationship as Grandmother if that is what she wants too.

Oh yes Castkemilk, his mother and any future girlfriends will get the son story of how the evil ex won't let him see his child.

Poor you - but blimey you have tried with bells on. He has made his decision - now go and let him live with it. No contact is the way forward now. And yes - go to CMS now for maintenance.

I have been where you are and begged and pleaded - it got me nowhere and my child has a father who won't see her. It is grim - but you will both be ok. Do keep a copy of his messages as proof btw.

Your poor daughter, does she start school in September if so what fucking shitty timing.

Wishing you all the best for the future.

Thanks everyone. and to castlemilk for that gentle battering.

He is not a good dad. He does not have it in him to be a good person.

I have spoken to CMS and have a reference number. I have to phone them back on 11th Aug due to them providing a 'limited service' which is odd.

No more contact with XP. At all.

I also have the number for Civil Legal Advice. I do want to have this recent series of events recorded formally just in case.

Jeez, what a mess!

OP you selfish bitch, thinking of our baby before your ex?!!? >sarcasm< But seriously, that's what it always boils down too for me. Daddy/Mummy's RIGHTS. Not what is best for the child. (My DS1 bio 'mother' has no rights as far as I'm concerned)

Pick your DD and her needs, not the moaning adult. If you think seeing him is in her best interests? Fine. If not? Also fine.

Fuck judges who wail about 'rights of the children' when they really mean 'fuck the children up as much as possible for the parents needs'