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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not allowing daughters dad to see her...?

287 replies

NamesNick · 07/08/2014 09:22

ExP and I split over 2 years ago. When we first split he didn't want to see our daughter (who is now 4) so I fought really hard, reasoned, pleaded etc etc and we eventually came to an arrangement where he would see her regularly and have her overnight once a week.
I think that since our split he has really stepped up and they have a great relationship. DD loves her dad so much and I encourage this with all my heart. All I ever wanted was for him to love her as much as I do. And I believe he does. Up until now..
I told him when he initially refused to have a relationship with her that his decision would be final and it was all or nothing, he couldn't just pick her up and drop her when the fancy took him.
So, for the past 2 years everything has gone really smoothly - he appears to really love her and she loves him.
Regarding the maintenance payments, that hasn't gone as smoothly because 3 times in 2 years he has 'negotiated' a reduction in maintenance payments, but I have always conceded because to me a relationship with her dad is more important than the money he pays.

So, yesterday I get a text message requesting further reduction to which I compromise and agree to half way without any arguments - he works FT btw and lives with his mum - apparently his 'household' are having financial issues and he wants to help them out...
He did not agree to my compromise and stated this is what you will get and that's it...needs must apparently.

I know this was being a bit of a cow but, I told him...ok, you pay what you pay but come to collect dd and drop her off, I'm no longer wasting fuel to facilitate your access. His response: well I won't see her at all then, (he lives in the same area so a 15 minute walk) and instead of having her last night as per our arrangement he went out. I actually called him to say ok I'm bringing her round. he said Fuck You and Fuck Her.

Last night I get a text message saying: I will pay but I want both of you to be strangers to me.

This is what I've done:

Told him not to pay anything I dont want his money if he not interested in spending time love and effort with his 4 year who dotes on him. I have given him unti Friday to decide what he wants to do.

He may well take a few weeks 'off' from seeing her an then try to get back in but I told him the previous time that it was all or nothing and I won't have him pick her up and drop her like a bad smel when he throws a titty lip.

If he decides by Friday that he doesn't want to see her AIBU to refuse him any contact in future. What do I do

She loves him and it breaks my heart, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is?

OP posts:
Dontgotosleep · 07/08/2014 11:03

How on earth are you being unreasonable. Like others have said. He's an arse. Also obviously we all do things and make decisions for our own reasons, but you you went out of your way making sure he saw you d.d when he didn't want to. My attitude would be "It's your loss", but then perhaps you wanted them to have the father and daughter realtionship.
However I would take the money from him, damn right I would. Why shouldn't you.
Both you and your D.D deserve far better than this and you know that
And using language like that around a child well that's another story.

Goldmandra · 07/08/2014 11:04

I would ask him to come and explain to his DD face to face why he is choosing not to see her again.

Pyjamaramadrama · 07/08/2014 11:07

If a friend, neighbour, even a caregiver such as a childminder acted the way some parents do then no way would anyone pack their child off to see them.

Being a parent is what you make of it really, and some people aren't fit to be. (Extreme cases).

Sorry to hijack your thread op, this guy possibly deserves another chance but not unlimited free reign to mess with a child's emotions and heart.

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 11:57

Hi again.

been thinking.

I am going to open a bank account in dds name (about time anyway) but do you think I should a) open the account and send him her details to make payment to or b) open the account and whatever he pays into my account if at all, just transfer to hers?

Was thinking that by sending him her details he would know the money is for dd - not that this has ever been in question though.

Or as I'm typing, am I just clutching at any old reason to get in touch and open up the lines of communication again. I'm at home today with very little to do so this is consuming me tbh

OP posts:
however · 07/08/2014 12:15

If he is not that bothered about seeing her, he'll never be bothered. He'll bugger off eventually when he meets someone else and it'll be worse for her when she is older.

I'd get him to pony up, and if he doesn't want to see her, then he doesn't see her. Ever.

Infinity8 · 07/08/2014 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 12:20

Infinity. That's like my mission statement.

Don't give anyone any ammunition to use against you.

It's tough under these circumstances. I am stepping away from the mobile phone as I type to you!

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/08/2014 12:21

I wouldn't either.

So what if the money goes on her now or later? That's not his business.

I wouldn't tell him anything.

If he comes on Friday, assume he's in, payment and all. If he doesn't come on Friday, assume he's out - take payment.

Keep evidence of all his communications.

I'm afraid for me the key is this: When we first split he didn't want to see our daughter (who is now 4) so I fought really hard, reasoned, pleaded etc etc

Sadly, the writing was on the wall from then.

DizzyKipper · 07/08/2014 12:35

I'm a bit late to the thread and have just read all the updates. I'm so sorry for you and your DD that this is happening, children deserve better than that. I agree with Infinity, I wouldn't let him know about the account - it's not really any of his business, the money is given to you to use as you see fit for your child's welfare, since he has no further interest in her it's really none of his concern how you spend it.

Pyjamaramadrama · 07/08/2014 12:38

What infinity said.

Don't waste your day on him, can you go out and do something nice with dd.

UnrelatedToElephants · 07/08/2014 12:41

I don't think the question in your OP strands anymore "not allowing daughter's dad to see her". It sounds like he has made the decision and you don't get a choice in the matter. But don't let him waltz back in - for her sake.

Branleuse · 07/08/2014 12:58

does he have other narcissistic tendencies??

i think you need to protect your daughter from him. He will drop her eventually anyway and that will ruin her self esteem worse if its later. Contact his mother seperatly maybe if she still wants contact maybe.

Tell your baby girl that her daddy is not well and has forgotten how to be nice to people, and that its not her fault

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 13:05

I'm not entirely sure how to define narcissistic tendencies tbh...sorry, could you give an example?

I will use that exact phrase, a very nice way to explain and dd will understand that daddy is poorly.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 13:55

He is just awful! Just read the last post, no more chasing or organising contact. He's made the decision ball is in his court! What a shitty way to treat a child, better he us not in her life with an attitude like that!

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 13:55

Wish my friends abusive ex would go no contact with his dc.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 14:02

Leave him your e mail and contact and just leave it. No more pleading, no more begging, your dd deserves more than a fair weather dad. Yes it might be good to get him to tell her he is not seeing her anymore, take responsibility fir his actions. If he does want contact tell him to go to court. Some home I don't think dh would be arsed to. Why is his mum upset! Does she not want to see her grandchild!

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 14:03

Somehow I don't think ex will be arsed I meant

deakymom · 07/08/2014 14:14

some people seem to be getting the wrong end of the stick the op is not stopping contact she is simply stating if you want to reduce the payments again im not playing taxi anymore which is as far as im concerned fair enough children don't cost less just because you WANT them to

he is most telling with his fuck you and fuck her comment no way on this planet would i want any man who spoke about their own child breathing the same air as me children are a gift

say what you like about me but never ever attack the child (yes i do have bitter experience of this my ex refused to pay CSA worked full time when i did not and expected me to pay him to visit his own child when i refused he never saw her again she is 14 and he hasn't seen her since she was in nappies he lived around the corner 5 minutes walk away and wouldn't see her unless i paid him)

deakymom · 07/08/2014 14:16

speak to the bank get an account with you as the main parent controlling the account he cannot take money out unless you agree

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 14:24

deakymom that is awful. how did you cope with ex being round the corner and how is dd after 14 years?

I was being a tad bitchy with the 'not playing taxi' comment I realise this and looking back I could have just agreed to his demands and all would be fine (apart from me being a mug) Instead he sees my response as 'turning nasty' and making things difficult for him.

My reasoning was: why should I be consistently out of pocket and time facilitating his relationship with dd. If he wants to reduce payments then step up and take more control. Backfired on me and now it seems my fault. I will be blamed.

As soon as I wasn't playing his game he turned nasty, infact (I forgot to mention) he called me a slag and hung up - of course I called him back with a piece of my mind.

I'm looking at this two ways..

  1. I should have continued playing his game and agreed for the sake of the really good two consistent years. That way he would not have said that awful thing about dd and would still be seeing her.
  2. Better to get this shit out the way early. I feel if it can happen it will happen - only a matter of time for arseholes to show true colours.
OP posts:
jeanmiguelfangio · 07/08/2014 14:27

Yeah, I was wondering why his mother was upset, surely if she is that upset she can tell her son what an arse he is being.
when you set the account up you have to have a signatory on it, someone who is over 18, so that is you and then if you need access to it it is possible, but only you, not him.
you are both better off without him, just remember that and let him deal with it now. Dont facilitate him, let him come to her. Easier said than done though

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/08/2014 14:28

No, why should he cut and cut back on his contribution without you responding?

Honestly, his attitude is very far from that of a good father.

jeanmiguelfangio · 07/08/2014 14:28

Do not blame yourself. At all. Its not your fault he is an arsehole. You have to do what is best for you and your dd, not him. If he wants to be in her life, he shouldnt need you to do it for him. Let him blame you, its so much easier to blame someone else when you are at fault

Voodoobooboo · 07/08/2014 14:33

Frankly I don't think you are the decisionmaker here. The money and contact are separate issues. The money is something he should pay and there are structures in place to manage payment if he chooses not to. Personally I wouldn't have it held in an account in DDs name as he is a responsible parent so could seek access to those funds. By all means open a separate savings account of your own and put the money in there if you want to hold it "in trust" for her.
Contact is totally different. My XP walked out of our lives when DS was tiny. He just left one day with no note, no contact, no nothing. I contacted police, hospitals, etc and ended up with him treated as a missing person. Ultimately he was found but refused to see me and said he didn't want to be part of a family and it had all been a big mistake so he was making a clean break. Doing that to me is one thing, but he did it to DS. There has been no contact, no correspondence, nothing since then and I have no idea where he is or whether he has a family or anything. DS knows what happened (I wouldn't say understands) but would happily see his Dad if the opportunity arose. And I dread that day coming as I can see that XP will rip his heart out and stamp on it. And he won't even mean to do it, it will just be a natural outcome of the situation.
So I think I am saying, in a very roundabout way, that the relationship between your DD and her Dad will be defined by the two of them and you are a bystander. But you have to be braced for the outcome of that relationship as you will probably end up with the mop up operation.

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 14:33

I'm not entirely sure why his mother is upset.

The reduction in money is apparently so that he can give more to his mum as they seem to be struggling.
However I know that there are 3 working adults living in that house plus his mother.

He is going away for a few days on sunday I believe - music gigs, and has been away twice in the last 6 weeks too, so I struggle to empathise with his financial situation tbh.

Two weeks ago I took dd to a fair and had 2 to my name. She had one shot on the bouncy castle and I used my last 2 for that. It was the day before payday and I had overspent slightly during the month - had food etc in cupboards though. Her dad is aware of that.

Perhaps his mother is upset that she is asking him for more money and he has in turn asked me for it which has caused disruption..I dont know?

OP posts:
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