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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not allowing daughters dad to see her...?

287 replies

NamesNick · 07/08/2014 09:22

ExP and I split over 2 years ago. When we first split he didn't want to see our daughter (who is now 4) so I fought really hard, reasoned, pleaded etc etc and we eventually came to an arrangement where he would see her regularly and have her overnight once a week.
I think that since our split he has really stepped up and they have a great relationship. DD loves her dad so much and I encourage this with all my heart. All I ever wanted was for him to love her as much as I do. And I believe he does. Up until now..
I told him when he initially refused to have a relationship with her that his decision would be final and it was all or nothing, he couldn't just pick her up and drop her when the fancy took him.
So, for the past 2 years everything has gone really smoothly - he appears to really love her and she loves him.
Regarding the maintenance payments, that hasn't gone as smoothly because 3 times in 2 years he has 'negotiated' a reduction in maintenance payments, but I have always conceded because to me a relationship with her dad is more important than the money he pays.

So, yesterday I get a text message requesting further reduction to which I compromise and agree to half way without any arguments - he works FT btw and lives with his mum - apparently his 'household' are having financial issues and he wants to help them out...
He did not agree to my compromise and stated this is what you will get and that's it...needs must apparently.

I know this was being a bit of a cow but, I told him...ok, you pay what you pay but come to collect dd and drop her off, I'm no longer wasting fuel to facilitate your access. His response: well I won't see her at all then, (he lives in the same area so a 15 minute walk) and instead of having her last night as per our arrangement he went out. I actually called him to say ok I'm bringing her round. he said Fuck You and Fuck Her.

Last night I get a text message saying: I will pay but I want both of you to be strangers to me.

This is what I've done:

Told him not to pay anything I dont want his money if he not interested in spending time love and effort with his 4 year who dotes on him. I have given him unti Friday to decide what he wants to do.

He may well take a few weeks 'off' from seeing her an then try to get back in but I told him the previous time that it was all or nothing and I won't have him pick her up and drop her like a bad smel when he throws a titty lip.

If he decides by Friday that he doesn't want to see her AIBU to refuse him any contact in future. What do I do

She loves him and it breaks my heart, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is?

OP posts:
Droflove · 07/08/2014 14:36

I think you had an adults fight and he was certainly below the belt and childish about it. But it was a row between the 2 of you. It's not a reason to ruin his relationship with his daughter. Your daughter is the one who loses out. You had a fight. Keep it between yourselves and sort it out between yourselves.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/08/2014 14:43

He's the one who says he doesn't want to see the dd.

Are you suggesting the op insists?

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 14:45

Look op it is not your fault, not now but he would have shown his true self. It's his fault for treating his innocent child like that! You cannot force a relationship between them, it will only backfire. Take any money he gives, put it too dd future, no more facilitating contact, he can go through court.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 14:47

Dro he is the one telling op he does not want a relationship with his dd, HE is the one saying she's a stranger to him. Op does not have to do anything, certainly not beg or plead again why should she. He is her father, he should take responsibility!

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 14:49

This is the last message I sent. And whether it was wrong or right it is the last communication I will instigate.

Listen, seeing as you dont want to contribute your time, love and effort into bringing up your daughter then dont pay anything at all. I will give you a couple of days to think about whether this is really what you want. You can tell me your decision on Friday. And if you dont want to watch her grow and contribute to her happiness then she doesnt need your money. I will bring her up on my own. I cant force you t be the dad she deserves but I can certainly protect her from your rejection. I sincerely hope you do the right thing and continue your relationship with a child who adores you. I wont beg you to be her dad anymore.

....

Daft saying that about the money but what's done is done. I think I have given him every opportunity and I dont believe I am the one making dd lose out. If anything I'm trying to salvage the best out of a shitty situation.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/08/2014 14:53

I don't get why you said that about the money.

Oh well, wait and see what happens now. Hope you get the outcome you want. Thanks

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 14:55

I know John. It was late, I had been crying, I suppose I wasn't thinking clearly.

Thanks for all the comments/advice/supportive words...and of course the flowers :)

OP posts:
OneSkinnyChip · 07/08/2014 14:56

First of all he's a complete shit. No one is disputing that.

The worst case scenario here is that he will keep dropping in and out of your DD's life. Personally I would be taking steps to avoid that. It might be worth getting legal advice on finances and contact arrangements. It is highly unlikely he is going to change but it would be a disaster for your daughter if he suddenly appears in a year's time only to disappear after that. Is there some way of recording your concerns now in an official capacity? E.g. recording details with a solicitor? I may be talking out of my backside but it would be good to have some evidence that contact with him may not be in your DD's best interests long term. And definitely keep the texts, including a screen print backed up to computer in case your phone gets lost or broken.

I'm very sorry for your situation by the way Thanks You and your DD deserve better.

OneSkinnyChip · 07/08/2014 14:58

X-posted OP and sorry but the text about money was a really bad idea :( I know you were angry but he has a legal responsibility to provide for his child. He doesn't get off the hook that easily.

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 15:01

The text about money was my 'moment of defiance' like a 'fuck you arsehole, we dont need you' do you understand what I mean.

Hindsight hey?

OP posts:
butterflybuttons · 07/08/2014 15:05

I think if you are that low on money you should go to the CMS and get them to formalise child maintenance. You refusing money from him is daft - and whether he sees his child or not - she will still need feeding and shoes and a roof over her head.

But you are right about not doing the taxi-ing to and fro for him to see her.

But maintenance and contact are 2 separate issues. If he doesn't see her that is his choice - but money is a legal requirement.

mrsbrownsgirls · 07/08/2014 15:05

excellent email. you sound amazing
does your ex have mental health problems ? the fuck you and her comment is beyond the pale

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/08/2014 15:08

I reckon he will come round on Friday. And if not, make a claim for child maintenance anyway.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 15:10

I agree butter, it's his choice not to see his dd, but he has to rake responsibility for her upkeep

ICanSeeTheSun · 07/08/2014 15:16

That would be it for me.

Children are not toys, they are living people with feelings. No one is going to mess with their heads. If he wanted contact from now on he would have to go to court.

As she is 4 make sure any nursery/school she attends make sure he is not given permission to pick her up.

Just put it this way if you decided to ring SS saying what he did then you would find it difficult to get her back.

Droflove · 07/08/2014 15:50

I know he said about not wanting to see his daughter and maybe I am naive but I think that was part of the fight and the emotion and him trying to throw some low blows. From what you have said he has been a good dad over the last few years so I think its up to you and him to keep this row between yourselves and not have it affect your daughter. I dont for one minute think you should go out of your way to make him have a relationship but just be careful that you are not getting in the way of his relationship because of this fight and the childish words he spat at you.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 15:57

Dro love the op has given until Friday, which is his contact time, if he doesent show than yes he has made his decision. Op has been really reasonable in all this, facilitating contact and accepting reduced payments, this was one reduced payment too much. The chikd us not a toy that he can pick up and put down when he likes. It's ex being bad not op! So if he does a now show for contact tomorrow that's it, when he feels like contact tge next he can go through court who will set out his contact arrangements.

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 15:58

I understand droflove.

This is definitely not a case of me getting in the way of his relationship..if anything I'm giving 75% to his 25%.

He is a good dad, and I adore the relationship they have. That's why his words/actions hurt so much. I know what you mean about his low blows to hurt me.

We will know for sure on Friday what his intentions actually are.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 07/08/2014 16:04

I'm sorry but anyone who can say "fuck

butterflybuttons · 07/08/2014 16:19

I don't agree he is a good dad at all - sorry. And I think him saying such awful things to you and being so nasty proves that. He can't just pick and choose when he feels like being a parent.

And you can do your utmost to facilitate their relationship but if he is going to continue in this way the best thing to try and do is not have any contact at all.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 16:27

He lives a 15 min walk awayand expects op to drop her there, he cannot be bothered to walk 15 mins, that says it all really. It's been going smoothly as op is doing all the work. When op has put the ball in his court and asked him to collect her he has used unacceptable kea gauge about an innocent child who loves and adores him. That is the nail in the coffin, did he ever love her, or was it pretend as op was doing all the running. If he does a no show, he it's best op dd does not have a dad who doesent give a toss about her.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2014 16:28

I think a no show is a big favour for op dd, she will soon realise the situation!

Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 16:29

butterfly, in two years there has been nothing to suggest he is not a good dad so I suppose I'm basing my opinion on the past two years of our separation. before that he was a SAHD and did very well by her .

Of course the constant renegotiation reagrding maintenance is a pain, but that's not directly involved in his relationship with her.

Up until now.

I suppose, in the interest of being non-obsructive, I am willing to allow this glitch because I feel this was aimed at hurting me - provided he comes up trumps on Friday. time will tell.

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 07/08/2014 16:37

fundamentaly though, he is an arse.
But I am willing to an extent to deal with his arseyness as long as dd is happy. he has never directly been mean to her.

Again, Friday, I will know for sure. And if he doesn't show I will believe it's all been bollocks and he has been led by duty and expectation from his family and not genuine love.

OP posts:
Infinity8 · 07/08/2014 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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