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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about this wedding, being a bridesmaid etc?

158 replies

knotpoodle · 06/08/2014 21:16

Am bridesmaid for an old friend in a few weeks.

She has arranged our dresses, but nothing else, whatever else we want we are expected to pay for ourselves - I asked her about shoes, accessories etc and she told me to match in with the other bridesmaids (who had no idea what to wear either as she hadn't given them any direction).

The bride is having her hair and make up 'done' on the day - she's told us we're doing our own. Which is fine but again she's given no suggestion/guidance - there are 5 of us, I am the only one having my hair up, the rest are having it down. No suggestion of colours of makeup, wear whatever hair accessories we want so long as we match (3 are not wearing any, so we won't match). She hasn't told us if we have flowers to carry (I've asked), and only 2 of the BM's have seen her dress.

We asked about jewellry, at first she said wear pearl necklaces (my DP nearly exploded trying not to laugh at that...) then changed her mind and said anything 'so long as we match'.

We have to go up the night before, and on the morning before the wedding (which is at midday) me and another BM have to do all the table decs.

I've never been this closely involved with a wedding before but it just all seems a bit directionless and disorganised - me and 2 of the other BMs keep emailing to ask stuff which she doesn't appear to have thought of (BM2 asked what drinks would be on the dinner tables - she had ordered red and white wine but no water/soft drinks - there are a lot of children going) and I'm starting to think the whole day could end up being a lot of hassle for me - is this what being a bridesmaid is actually like?

OP posts:

indigo18 · 07/08/2014 21:49

AlpacaLypse

flyingtrue · 07/08/2014 21:55

If there's a another wedding the day before then I'll be amazed if the rooms are cleared to decorate so early in the morning for you guys. The other bridesmaids need to help or some of the Bride's family members. Do you know them well enough to ask someone on her side to get you some help?

ercolercol · 07/08/2014 22:16

It sounds an impossible task. When is the wedding? Is there time to get to together with the bride and time how long a table would take to set up? If she can't be bothered to work that out then you should not be bothered to do all that work for her, when the other three people and groom aren't.

How about spraining your ankle just before the wedding and being on crutches. Will be much more enjoyable for you.

reup · 07/08/2014 23:10

If you have to tailor the table stuff to kids or adults do you know who is who? It sounds worse and worse.

BackforGood · 07/08/2014 23:19

Thing is Alpaca, posters need to put information in the op.
Originally this was a concern about not matching, which, oddly enough, is why people have answered that.
The setting up the room/tables detail is the real issue here, but was almost an afterthought in the op and even then, lots of relevent information missing.
You cant really blame other posts for not necessarily reading every post over 6 pages when op has thrown everyone off the real issue in the first place.

Inertia · 07/08/2014 23:38

Why in heaven's name are the bride and groom not doing all this table faffery ?

In what universe is it acceptable for the bride to command 2 out of 5 bridesmaids to race about doing the job of professional caterers / wedding organisers, while every other member of the bridal party gets a leisurely beautification session ?

Why is it the job of the bridesmaids ( or their children, FFS ! ) to pre-prepare all of the table decorating gubbins ? The bride and groom can spend their evenings sorting it all out!

OP , the only way you are being unreasonable is that you haven't told the bride how utterly deluded she is. You have party/ catering professionals on the thread telling you that it can't be done even if there are no overruns / mess/ disasters to contend with. You need to tell the bride so she can come up with a plan b.

Crystalballs · 07/08/2014 23:57

I agree with Babrow13!

ZenGardener · 08/08/2014 00:21

I'd just make up some excuse about how you can't help in the morning. Say your DH has an appointment and there is no one to watch the kids. That will force her to pay the caterers to do it. If she takes offense then she takes offense but it is for the best.

Just wear the accessories and make up you want. If she asks why they aren't matching just say you emailed everyone. Try to take a back seat from everything. Detach yourself as much as possible.

She's your friend but this isn't your responsibility and you know you will get the blame when it all goes bad even though you tried to warn her.

MistressDeeCee · 08/08/2014 00:30

You don't need her to match your accessories to your outfit - you can do that yourself. Much ado about nothing.

LittleBearPad · 08/08/2014 08:34

It's not that unusual that people respond to the OP. The dress issues were clearly at the forefront of the OP's mind not the room decoration. That's just been dripfed throughout the thread.

And putting everything for each table in a separate bag is a perfectly sensible thing to do. My venue told us to do that. It made their lives considerably easier.

LlamaLover · 08/08/2014 08:35

Maybe when she says 'matching' she means matching the dress, not matching each other? Ie wear shoes that go with the dress, not exactly the same shoes as the other bridesmaids. Simples.

Crystalballs · 08/08/2014 08:38

Could you explain to the bride that the table decorations will be far more likely to get done if all 5 of the bridesmaids help? It should take you half the time.

Cheeky76890 · 08/08/2014 10:06

I really like relaxed laid back weddings and it does sound like the bride isn't too fussy.

I would really worry about table laying with little man power and limited time.

Email the bride and all the bridesmaids/parents/groom etc. infact anyone you have an email or text for Give them the problem. Tell them its not possible for you to lay all the tables in the allocated 1 hour and 40 mins. You need like 5 volunteers or alternative solutions as its not going to work otherwise.

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 08/08/2014 22:42

OP - does the venue have any staff on duty? Just thinking back to my wedding we hired village hall and brought in caterers. We were responsible for clearing up and returning the key the next day. Nobody felt like clearing up late at night so we left it to the morning. It took half a dozen of us plus the caterers 2 hours to clear up. Sprinkles were a nightmare, streamers even worse as not only had they got doused in alcohol and stuck to the floor but the colour had stained the floor. Plus clearing vomit and cleaning the loos.

I would want to know who was clearing up after the previous wedding and what time you can get access and when the caterers are arriving.

fairylightsintheloft · 08/08/2014 23:33

I like the idea of a separate box made up for each table (so maybe ten in total). The bride and groom can organise these in advance, not the op. She can pick them up a few days before and then deal with the venue situation when she arrives and finds out if its clear etc. Iwould not worry about the whole getting ready thing - do your hair and make up early and just pop your dress on. I'd be annoyed in your position too - bridesmaids are not general dogsbodies.

lightgreenglass · 08/08/2014 23:41

YABU.

It's her day she can do what she wants and I've helped out at lots of friends weddings with setting up and dressing the room - not as a bridesmaid. It takes 10 mins and as her bridesmaid you should be making life easier for her. That's what bridesmaids are for - not just to stand around on the day looking pretty.

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 08/08/2014 23:47

What takes 10 mins light? Getting ready or doing 100 place settings?

lightgreenglass · 09/08/2014 00:00

Both. Especially if they have instructions.

ZenGardener · 09/08/2014 03:40

I think what the OP described will take a lot more than 10 minutes.

Seriously, just bail on her. Bail now so she has time to organise someone else to do it but this is seriously out of Bridesmaids duties. She's not being fair on you at all.

allisgood1 · 09/08/2014 06:59

Ok while I sympathize with the bride on the dress matter...wtf is she getting you to do her place settings?!?

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 09/08/2014 07:55

I guess if you allow 3 seconds to put out each of the 100 name cards and favour. Then 30 seconds per table to plonk menus, water jugs, wine coolers, table confetti, bottles of bubbles, sweets and the other stuff that the OP has been told about you could do it. Don't think it would be anymore than plonking though and you'd have a pretty frazzled BM. Of course this does assume that the prep has gone into putting the cards and favours in the the correct order for each table and that there aren't any queries/mishaps/missing items.

I'd be inclined to say you had no idea of the amount of work involved in setting up the venue and if it is to be as lovely as you would want it to be for her special day you can either do that or be a BM. She doesn't sound that fussed about her BMs and you are quite stressed about getting the look right for her so perhaps you could suggest another friend (one who fits your dress). Then you're giving the bride a solution rather than adding to her stress and you don't spend the day frazzled and resentful.

Pugaboo · 09/08/2014 08:09

"She can do what she wants"

Yes the bride can do what she wants, but she cannot force others to.

OP I think Zengarden's suggestion is good. Distance/opt out. Or say you need the other BMs to do it otherwise its not going to happen. Make it the bride's problem.

Yangsun · 09/08/2014 08:25

"You are one of my best friends and I really want you to have your dream wedding. I'm going to have to tell you as a friend though that your current plan of me and other bm doing all the work is not going to be possible. Tbh the whole thing is making me really stressed out which I know you is the last thing you want. If you want the wedding party to set up the venue, you will need at least (10?) People available for that and we will all have to leave by 10 to get ready ourselves. I'm really happy to be one of those 10.helpers but if you insist on only two I'm afraid I'm going to have to.say I can't do it and suggest you get the caterers to do it instead.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 09/08/2014 08:29

Excellent, Yang!

PorkPieandPickle · 09/08/2014 09:53

YABU about the accessories, she obviously isn't that bothered.

My husband set up our tables with his two groomsmen, and 4 guests who came early to help- it really didn't take them long at all.

Just tell her you don't want to help on the morning, because you don't.

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