about this wedding, being a bridesmaid etc?

[knotpoodle]

Am bridesmaid for an old friend in a few weeks.

She has arranged our dresses, but nothing else, whatever else we want we are expected to pay for ourselves - I asked her about shoes, accessories etc and she told me to match in with the other bridesmaids (who had no idea what to wear either as she hadn't given them any direction).

The bride is having her hair and make up 'done' on the day - she's told us we're doing our own. Which is fine but again she's given no suggestion/guidance - there are 5 of us, I am the only one having my hair up, the rest are having it down. No suggestion of colours of makeup, wear whatever hair accessories we want so long as we match (3 are not wearing any, so we won't match). She hasn't told us if we have flowers to carry (I've asked), and only 2 of the BM's have seen her dress.

We asked about jewellry, at first she said wear pearl necklaces (my DP nearly exploded trying not to laugh at that...) then changed her mind and said anything 'so long as we match'.

We have to go up the night before, and on the morning before the wedding (which is at midday) me and another BM have to do all the table decs.

I've never been this closely involved with a wedding before but it just all seems a bit directionless and disorganised - me and 2 of the other BMs keep emailing to ask stuff which she doesn't appear to have thought of (BM2 asked what drinks would be on the dinner tables - she had ordered red and white wine but no water/soft drinks - there are a lot of children going) and I'm starting to think the whole day could end up being a lot of hassle for me - is this what being a bridesmaid is actually like?

My wedding colours were lilac and burgundy, and I said one could wear a dress in one colour and one in the other if that's what they preferred. But as it happened they both chose the same and were matching. They'd have matched the bridal party and looked nice on photos whatever though. What I really didn't want to do was impose a dress that one was happy with and not the other, or that suited neither. I don't think bridesmaids have to match.

Re the tables, as far as I know, we have to:

Put centrepieces and candles on each table
Place names for each guest (I'm told these will be prewritten, but seating plan is such we have to put them in a particular order, not just 8 randomly round the table)
Favours for each guest (different for men/women/kids)
Menus (several per table)
Other table decorations - haven't seen them but I think they are little bottles of bubbles for each guest, pots of sweets/mints, and various other stuff etc
Water jugs (following other BM's prompting) and wine coolers
Table confetti to scatter.

We also have to put up the seating plan somehow (not really the sort of place you can blu-tack it to the wall!), set up a table for 'gifts' and another for people to sign the guest book, with appropriate decorations and another table in a quiet corner with drawing pads, crayons etc for the younger children going

Also...if the dining tables are not set up by 9am (highly likely as when I asked the bride she'd not been able to confirm with the caterers when they'd be doing this) which is when we'd need to start we will also have to put on tablecoths, and fully lay the tables etc. The other stuff is enough frankly, that will be impossible.

The OP is not complaining about being a bridesmaid to a laid back bride. She's complaining about the potential to be a dogsbody to somebody who is failing to make any management decisions, expects her to have supernatural powers of deduction AND ace table-setting skills.

It's not being laid back to tell your bridesmaids that they must match but not help them facilitate the matching - that's just sadistic.

Op - calmly say to your fellow victims bridesmaids that they should buy cream or pale shoes and leave it at that. Ask the bride for the caterers contact details and then put the fear of go in to them to make sure the tables are ready for you at 9 am and yes order some juice via the caterers yourself or bring your own. She will thank you for it eventually.

OP, I've pitched in on the morning of two DIY weddings. There is absolutely no chance that two people can comfortably do all of that and still make it for an 11:30 ceremony. No chance at all.

It sounds like the bride is being very reasonable. He budget will only stretch to dresses it seems, so she is letting you wear anything else with it. Surely you already have shoes? Just wear those. Accessories aren't obligatory.

Doing your own hair and make up is no biggie either.

The only way I think it is possible if is you are highly organised and go to the venue with one box per table, with everything for each table (including place cards) inside. But if the tables aren't laid yet, then you're stuffed!

Agree with everyone else re table settling.

I put my own place cards and favours round and put the table labels on, and I wasn't getting married till late afternoon, and that was plenty! The hotel did the rest.

The budget only stretches to dresses and nothing else because she's bought us ones that cost £300 each. We'd previously seen (and agreed on) high street versions that were a quarter of the price. Her choice, of course, but then when corners are being cut with stuff like the caterers laying the table. it makes me wish our dresses had been cheaper!

In answer to questions about the groom etc - the groom won't be much help, he considers his only roles were to pick his suit (not done yet) and chose a best man (distant cousin who will be arriving at 11am, so no help to anyone!) and certainly won't be helping us lay tables.

You sound like a pain in the ass to me! You are supposed to be helping and supporting the bride.
As previous poster said, make up a box for each table in advance; have a seating plan for each table and count out the correct number of favours of each type etc. put a centrepiece in each box and a pack of sprinkle stuff.
Have another box for the things to go on each side table. The more you organise before, the quicker you will get it done.
How old are your DC? They might enjoy helping if old enough to be reliable. I think you could do it in an hour if you have everything ready.
As for the water; of course there will be water and jugs. No need for an all-persons alert for water in named bottles to be brought along. such drama!

There are only jugs now because they have been specifically ordered. All glasses, crockery, cutlery, etc etc had to be specifically and individually ordered from the caterer, had the other BM not mentioned it, there wouldn't have been any jugs at all. There is no kitchen as such at the venue, hence we have suggested the bride find out (either from venue or caterers) if there is a drinking water tap, or if she needs to order bottled water too.

As for me being a pain in the ass...ok, so I have to suck it up that 2/5 of us BMs are doing all the work, while the other 3, and the rest of the bridal party get to have a nice lazy stress-free morning? (and as per the suggestion it all gets boxed up per table, presumably that means I'm now spending the night before doing that as well!) That really doesn't seem fair (and I'm pleased to see other posters do agree with me). And I don't really want my DC having to get involved too. It would be far simpler if she just paid the caterers to do it all.

Ok - sounds like the (non) matching cream satin shoes are the least of your worries.

As PP have said, prior preparation is key. So 10 x boxes with everything in ready to go and a clear seating chart for each table. Maybe the bride could mock up a table for you and photograph so you have a clear idea what she wants the tables to look like?

And you will get quicker each one you do.

Plus if the caterers are still setting the dining tables when you arrive, use that time to do the guest book / children's corner etc.

Why can't you set up the night before? A lot of venues allow this. Get the Groomsman to do it instead.

Make a box for each table.. are you nuts? carrying a load of boxes from the car and into the place, never mind loading the car up in the first place. and btw you need to check about sprinkles because a lot of venues don't allow them because they knack the dishwasher/hoover etc. People tend not to think of the clearing up when they want those tiresum things

Then there's is tablecloths.. have they been asked for? Some places don't provide as standard or if you're lucky you'll be given a big roll of paper tablecloths you cut to size (which takes a huge amount of time) and then you have to clag them to the tables discreetly.

There is another wedding in there the night before, hence why tables aren't going to be laid til the morning.

Groomsmen - there is only the groom (who will do sweet fa, as mentioned above) and his best man who no-one has met and is turning up sometime on the morning of the wedding.

"Why can't you set up the night before? A lot of venues allow this. Get the Groomsman to do it instead."

OP has said the venue has another wedding the night before.

I don't know what the venue is but it sounds like a barn or hall without a bar - so unless everyone takes their glasses to the loo to refill, there will be no water without the jugs. It's a bit unfair to call OP a fusspot on this point when she actually knows the venue.

Thing is, there is no point whining on here. Have you told the bride that you feel you are being asked to help to an unreasonable degree?
Your cream satin shoes sound a bit bridal. What colour are your dresses?
Have you asked the other bridesmaids to help, rather than just having the bride say they can't? There must be some way of getting hold of them- very unusual for folk not to be on FB these days!

Get the relaxing bridesmaids to do the table boxes?

gamerchick they will have to carry the stuff in anyway; preparing a box for each table will greatly reduce the amount of time spent faffing on the day.
Surely there are few venues without water. They have toilets? And there will be jugs.

If the wedding is in a few weeks, hopefully that will remove the need to have to do the box prep all in a rush the night before? Could get all 5 (or the 3 not on the day BMs) to do that as an activity with wine and nibbles?

indigo I used to set up function rooms for a living...i've seen every single pitfall known to man doing those things. If the OP does try to do both she will end up frazzled and unappreciated - even if she makes up boxes for 100 people. If there is a delay in clearing the room before she can set up then it's going to be seriously hard to do just 2 of them. The mess left behind from those stupid chocolate fountains or bright sparks using candy floss machines and spilling mega slippy stuff thats a right pain in the arse to clean up. The more frills a customer uses like party poppers, or those god awful sprinkles and a million balloons that need bopping the more intense the clean up and that's not counting puddles of puke than can happen and food ground into the floor the more pissed people get.

OP it's up to you... you can't predict how a function will go and it's also a good chance things have gone smoothly for you to sort out the table tops out and anything else.

I must admit i'm really amused by the thought of doing up boxes to save time but you live and learn

I may not have experience of cleaning up (thank goodness), but I am quite certain that I would be quicker and more efficient if I arrived with everything for a table in a box. I have done plenty of that sort of organising.
The OP is not responsible for clearing up and I think she really has to address these issues with the bride, as we have suggested.

ApocaLypse - nice one! Well this 'tosser' won't bother with any more 'opinions'. Hope you get things sorted to your liking OP.