about this wedding, being a bridesmaid etc?

[knotpoodle]

Am bridesmaid for an old friend in a few weeks.

She has arranged our dresses, but nothing else, whatever else we want we are expected to pay for ourselves - I asked her about shoes, accessories etc and she told me to match in with the other bridesmaids (who had no idea what to wear either as she hadn't given them any direction).

The bride is having her hair and make up 'done' on the day - she's told us we're doing our own. Which is fine but again she's given no suggestion/guidance - there are 5 of us, I am the only one having my hair up, the rest are having it down. No suggestion of colours of makeup, wear whatever hair accessories we want so long as we match (3 are not wearing any, so we won't match). She hasn't told us if we have flowers to carry (I've asked), and only 2 of the BM's have seen her dress.

We asked about jewellry, at first she said wear pearl necklaces (my DP nearly exploded trying not to laugh at that...) then changed her mind and said anything 'so long as we match'.

We have to go up the night before, and on the morning before the wedding (which is at midday) me and another BM have to do all the table decs.

I've never been this closely involved with a wedding before but it just all seems a bit directionless and disorganised - me and 2 of the other BMs keep emailing to ask stuff which she doesn't appear to have thought of (BM2 asked what drinks would be on the dinner tables - she had ordered red and white wine but no water/soft drinks - there are a lot of children going) and I'm starting to think the whole day could end up being a lot of hassle for me - is this what being a bridesmaid is actually like?

I think re setting up, you need to be straight with her, you will not be able to do it in the time available, even if you don't bother getting changed for the wedding. It is that clear, it will take too long for 2 people to do it in 1 hour, and you still won't be able to do it in 2 hours, which will mean you have no time to change and get ready as her bridesmaid.

You aren't being difficult to point out this is not possible, by not wanting to be the bad guy, you are allowing her to think it could be done if only you'd just do it.

Spell it out, it is 3-4 hours work, if she wants you to be a bridesmaid, so need at least 1 hour to get ready, then she can only have you there for 1 hour, with one other bridesmaid doing the same, that is only 2 hours of labour - she needs to find 2 other people at least, probably more like 4 other people for it to be done in 1 hour. Are there any grooms men? If no family, any other close friends?

She will have to decide now what she wants to happen, as you wo'nt be done in time to get changed for the wedding, so would she like you and other bridesmiad to just keep working to get the venue ready and so not get changed as bridesmaids, would she rather you just left the room half done, or would she like to get other help, either friends for free or paid for.

Eitherway, spell it out so there's no misunderstanding, what she currently wants to happen will not happen - you won't get it all done in 1 hour, it's not possible, so you aren't being difficult, you are just not putting yourself in a position where you have to let her down on the day.

Finish the conversation saying you'll do what she wants, but she must be aware that the venue won't be all set out in 1 hour so she needs to accept you'll leave it half done or not be a bridesmaid, she must pick prior to the wedding, she can't just leave this to you, you can't fix this for her.

oh and if she says things like "I'm sure you'll manage it" say "no, I won't, and I'm telling you now while you've got time to fix it, I'm not going to be able to do it, you need to accept it won't happen, I can't fix for you."

I think yabu. I didn't tell my bridesmaids what shoes to wear and I certainly didn't tell them to coordinate make up! I put out place cards and favours on the morning of my wedding for 75 people, took no time as I had a table plan and jst shoved the stuff out according to it.

forget the usual bridezilla, your acting like a maidzilla!

Oh dear I told my bridesmaids to choose own shoes and jewellery. I really didn't care what they wore and wanted them to look nice and have shoes they were comfy in. The day isn't about you it's about the bride so I really think yabu. Just because it's not how you would plan your wedding doesn't mean she's wrong.

When I got married, I bought the dresses for my bridesmaids and told them they could have their hair / makeup / shoes etc however they wanted. I would hate to be told I had to wear my hair in a certain style or have particular makeup and I'm generally a laid back person anyway.
Everybody looked lovely and we had a great day.

Th

That sounds like a nightmare trying to set up when you need to get ready. I could never imagine asking someone else to do all that.

Forget about drinks - the b&g need to think about that if there is no I thing at venue. Say you can't do both and they need to enlist others. Ask clearly why is it important for other bridesmaids to get ready but not you 2?

I went to a v posh wedding in Kensington and there was no bar in room (it was other side of huge hotel). Had wined with meal and there was whiskey after. But nothing else, I was desperate for another drink but no one had thought of non whiskey drinkers- there wasn't even water!

I was one of three bridesmaids. We wore high necked dresses so necklaces were irrelevant. The groom gave us each a pair of lovely silver earrings and the only thing we had to provide ourselves was a pair of white stiletto shoes each. We didn't carry flowers. For us to carry down the aisle, the bride gave us each a white prayer book with a long wide, white ribbon through it. I loved that frock and wore it for years afterwards. Make up and hair was automatically down to us. There were no 'zillas around then.

My own opinion is that most of the current ideas of makeup, matching this, matching that, who pays for what is all commercialism initiated by programmes like Don't Tell the Bride.

Re the prep she wants you to do at the venue, spell it out to her that you cannot do it. Let her worry about that.
Re the accessories etc, just do what you can in terms of matching, but since you have asked, and have done your best, just pick fairly low key stuff and since you are paying for it, go for things you will be able to use again.
YANBU.

She sounds like she is getting married and concentrating on that rather than being a bridezilla as sadly so many are nowadays.

I do think she should have paid for shoes but if the dresses are long and you can't really see them then perhaps she's being green and doesn't mind you using a pair you already own.

You don't need to match re hair and makeup with the others, it's your body dress how you want. Being a BM is not a big deal, just turn up on your dress and have fun.

Rather than going backwards and forwards could yourself and the other BM not take your outfits ect with you in the morning then once you've finished setting the tables you'll have longer to relax and get ready.

With hair and make up is any of the bridesmaids really good at doing hair another one at make up that way one or two could do all the bridesmaids hair and another one or two all the bridesmaids make up.

With the brides suggestion of pearl necklaces for the bridesmaids you can get good fakes now that don't cost much or have a look in charity shops.

The op said she would have to get changed in the toilets at the venue.

I only had one adult BM. I let her choose her dress (I paid) and then left her to wear whatever shoes and jewellery she wanted (however we bought her earrings as her thank you gift so she wore those). I paid for my makeup artist to come to her room but left colours etc and her hair to her. I really wasn't fussed as long as she was comfortable. I didn't show her my dress or the flowers beforehand, why would I?

No one will be looking at your hair/makeup/accessories. As long as the dresses match that's all that's important and a £300 dress sounds pretty nice! Personally I think matching makeup sounds awful anyway.

You and one other bm setting up the entire room on the morning of the wedding, before 11am, is madness! What is the bride thinking?! The outfit issues are minor in comparison. I don't think YABU. I wouldn't do it, as if she isn't happy with something then it will be your head on the block. She sounds a bit of an eejit if she isn't willing to pay out for the professionals to do it.

Sounds like she wants unpaid caterers, not bridesmaids. I would politely decline.

You are fussing over nothing about the shoes and accessories etc. It really doesn't matter. If you all can wear similar colour shoes that would be good but it really, really doesn't matter.

You could all send her a picture of what you are going to be wearing so that she can't complain about it later but personally I would bother. I think it looks nicer if bridesmaids hair doesn't match.

However YANBU about the setting up. It will take you ages! You need lots more people to to help you. If she asks you to do other chores you need to say no or to get more help.

I chose my bridesmaids dresses and then said they could have their hair, shoes, jewelry, make up however they wanted. they both looked stunning and they both looked like my lovely friends. FFS does it matter?! who is even going to remotely care if you have different earrings or shoes?

Also, Hey pandafeet - i think i might be one of your bridesmaids! waves

YABU about the outfits. She's said she doesn't mind so stop stressing about it. If you all want to agree you wear cream shoes then wear cream shoes. They don't have to match. Same with make-up, unless you have identikit complexions and hair colour one colour palette won't suit you anyway. Grown up bridesmaids tend to look a bit weird if every element of your outfit matches.

Regarding the set. Here yanbu, the bride needs to understand that setting 100 place settings isn't feasible in the time and that she should pay the caterer to do it.

Don't worry about anything else like water for the tables. Her choices may not be yours but it isn't your wedding.

What is she actually doing to the tables? Presumably the caterers/venue will be providing linens and cutlery/glasses so they will be done: all you'll need to do is the tabel centres, favours if required and table numbers. If you don't have time to do place cards then don't: as long as posple are on the right table they can choose thier own seat if you are really struggling for time!
I think that maybe what she envisages and what you are envisaging are different thngs: our venue coordinator said the room change would take 2 hours until I explained what i wanted doing: at which point he laughed and said 40 mins!

I bought the dresses for my BMs (which they chose themselves- and I didn't care if they both liked different ones but they happened to agree on the same outift) but didn't have a fixed idea about "how I wanted them to look". I just wanted them to look like themselves and feel comfortable and happy. I would never have presumed to have their hair and makeup done for them or dictated what accessories or shoes to wear.

The help with setting up is a different matter - tell her if you think it isn't feasible. My inlaws did the table decorations as they were near to the venue.

Also we only provided wine and water at the table. There was a bar if guests wanted to buy other drinks.

You sound like an ungrateful little madam to be honest. What do you think your role is as a bridesmaid? It is to help and support the bride, not to be some sort of cloned mannequin.

Why don't you give the £300 dress she's bought for you to someone who is actually willing to help the bride, and free yourself up to whinge and judge from the sidelines. You seem to have forgotten whose wedding it is.

I am going to go against the grain here and say YANBU.

It sounds like bride is very detached from arrangements other than what she will be like, leaving 2 bridesmaids to decorate the venue in a very short space of time is very thoughtless IMHO. Have you expressed your concerns to her re lack of time?

I saw wedding pics of a very expensive, yet "laid back" wedding in the sense that the bride chose dresses and let shoes/jewellery/ hair/make-up to the BM's. It looked like four randomers had walked off the street and put the dresses on IMHO. Everyone had different hair and make up (make up particularly clashed) but then again I am old fashioned and believe that being on the bridal party means that things should be co ordinated and that everything should be paid for by the bride/groom not BM's

I'm not really into matchy matchy, I think it can look a bit naff, I don't even like matching dresses tbh. So different accessories / shoes sounds fine. HOWEVER the bride is saying she wants you to match! Which does sound a bit annoying.

What is more annoying and very unfair is the set up left to just two of you. I would talk to all the bridesmaids directly and ask for their help with it. If they won't muck in I would tell the bride it's too much and you need at least 3 more people to help.