about this wedding, being a bridesmaid etc?

[knotpoodle]

Am bridesmaid for an old friend in a few weeks.

She has arranged our dresses, but nothing else, whatever else we want we are expected to pay for ourselves - I asked her about shoes, accessories etc and she told me to match in with the other bridesmaids (who had no idea what to wear either as she hadn't given them any direction).

The bride is having her hair and make up 'done' on the day - she's told us we're doing our own. Which is fine but again she's given no suggestion/guidance - there are 5 of us, I am the only one having my hair up, the rest are having it down. No suggestion of colours of makeup, wear whatever hair accessories we want so long as we match (3 are not wearing any, so we won't match). She hasn't told us if we have flowers to carry (I've asked), and only 2 of the BM's have seen her dress.

We asked about jewellry, at first she said wear pearl necklaces (my DP nearly exploded trying not to laugh at that...) then changed her mind and said anything 'so long as we match'.

We have to go up the night before, and on the morning before the wedding (which is at midday) me and another BM have to do all the table decs.

I've never been this closely involved with a wedding before but it just all seems a bit directionless and disorganised - me and 2 of the other BMs keep emailing to ask stuff which she doesn't appear to have thought of (BM2 asked what drinks would be on the dinner tables - she had ordered red and white wine but no water/soft drinks - there are a lot of children going) and I'm starting to think the whole day could end up being a lot of hassle for me - is this what being a bridesmaid is actually like?

YABU - there is no need for the bridesmaids to look like identikit stepford wives.

Maybe there are more concerning aspects of the wedding than how you have your hair, e.g. Catering / band / Dj - the bit that actually make the wedding fun and enjoyable for guests!

You really need to relax.

OK OP, you need to calm down, most brides really don't care about this stuff - it's just the few bridezillas that causes problems!

She doesn't want you to be all 'matchy matchy' or else she'd give you direction, from what she's said, it seems she wants you to just not clash.

You don't need to buy hair accessories at all, she doesn't mind how your hair is, so do you hair as you would if you were a guest. Do your makeup in a realtively nutural way, as long as it looks ok with the dress and isn't very OTT, it doesn't matter.

Re the shoes, if noone else can get cream satin, I would assume as long as they look ok with the dress (so no bright green shoes with a cream dress etc) then it'll be fine. Why did you buy shoes you wo'nt wear again if you had free range? A black, beige, silver or navy pair of strappy shoes that you'd wear again (or already had in the wardrobe) would be better. Can you return the cream ones?

Hmm. Honestly, this is ringing alarm bells with me. It's going to go one of two ways, isn't it?

Option 1 is that it's going to go as everyone else on the thread has said - bride clearly isn't bothered so just do whatever you think best and she's bound to be fine with it.

Option 2 is that the bride is trying to be laid back and non-Zilla but hasn't entirely thought it through and at some stage on The Day, there will be a wail go up of "WTF is this this isn't WHAT I WANTED" - because she hasn't thought through or communicated her real wants at all clearly. What you say about eg the water situation at the venue may bear that out, I think.

If you want to be a good bridesmaid, if I were you I would try and pin her down and get some decisions out of her. Get it absolutely clear if she really isn't bothered about all these things, or if actually she's got some very specific ideas in mind, that she assumes you and the rest of the wedding party are going to psychically determine

Water/soft drink issue has been mentioned by one of the other BMs to the bride, possibly I didn't make that clearwhen I said she'd asked, I meant she had asked the bride - and then pointed out water would be needed.

I like the bride, but I don't like the lack of organisation, and the fact all the hard slog (because she won't pay for the caterers to set up the tables) is falling to me and one other bridesmaid.

I don't want to get ready in a toilet cubicle in the venue (which is the only option there), I would rather get ready in a hotel room like everyone else is!

Clearly your bride wants you to look like you and be comfortable and only spend what you can afford. Brilliant.

Cream shoes easy peasy. I think from the brides direction they don't have to be satin or match in style just a similar colour. I am sure that if I checked out dune, next and next look they all would have cream shoes but I think a very pale nude would be matchy enough which opens more doors.

Is anyone threatening to do anything outlandish such as wear a black choker or green nail varnish? What are you worried about

Well, can you call the bride and ask these things yourself? You are obviously not convinced anyone will sort this and it'll fall to you. You can then on the phone mention that you might need more help on the day to get it all set up, and could her mum/dad/aunties/Uncles/mums friends be pressed into help? Many hands make light work and all that...

Call her, ask about the shoes/hair/makeup, ask her if she has an idea how it should all look or if she does want you all to look a bit different and less 'matchy matchy', does she have ideas of colours she doesn't want etc.

If she still doesn't give you any guidance, then go for no jewllery, as natural makeup as you can, and take a couple of 'going out' shoes so you can compare and contrast to the other girls on the day. Do your hair in a style that suits you as you would as a guest, not as a 'bridesmaid' look, just how you like and in a style that's easy to do on the day. (big rollers in as you set up the venue?)

Bridesmaidszilla springs to mind...

Hmm, I'm kinda leaning towards my Option 2 here

I'm saying this mainly because I was that sort of bride - very laid back, "whatever suits you", and I only saw later that actually I'd driven my attendants half up the wall because I'd never really said what I wanted - which was all they wanted to know, so they could try and achieve it for me. There's being laid back and then there's being hopelessly wishy washy to the point of being unhelpful...

Ps I do think she may be taking the piss a bit if she's really expecting you to do all that work setting up the venue?

But if she doesn't provide soft drinks for a venue without a bar until 7pm, then it's her and the groom who are going to look like poor hosts. You've done what you can to help her.

Why is only one other bm helping you decorate? Can you not get the others to help so you have more time to get ready?

BTW - I've never noticed bridesmaids shoes, so as long as they don't stand out as really different, (like three of you in cream or white and one in neon pink ones) it'll be fine.

Any decent wedding venue will provide water. No charge. For real.

As for getting ready, why don't you suggest to the other bridesmaids that you all get ready together? Then rock up to the wedding looking fab.

You don't need to do your hair the same way. You just have to look nice.

And no one will see the bridesmaids and scoff at the fact that their shoes aren't identical.

No booze til 7, yes. Booze before shoes.

She's not being 'laid back' if she wants everyone to match.

Chances are she'll be upset on the day if you don't.

I have spoken to her several times about the accessories, how we will all look etc, but can't get anything out of her.

Re setting up, one of the other BMs is not arriving til the morning, the others will be getting themselves ready. There's no family on either the bride or groom's side, I can rope in my DP and DCs but am loathe to get them involved as well

Just seen your reply OP that does make it difficult. In that case just do your best and don't stress about it. If the Bride wants things a particular way she'll have to input.

Re the venue, Given what you've said I would get the bride or groom to check but really water is all that's required.

Table decorating seems like a real pain. However if there are 5 BMs you should all be pitching in surely to make it faster? If it'll take 2 of you 2 hours 5 of you should be able to get I done in under an hour.

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That's not right the the other BMs get to spend all their time getting ready and you have to set tables by yourself. Tell the other BMs to help.

You need to forget about the bridesmaid outfit situation and let everyone do whatever they want. Nothing needs to match, least of all the length of your hairdos! Bridal parties honestly look much better when they are not matched to within an inch of their lives.

It does sound like there could be the potential for some serious disorganization regarding the reception, however...

Eeeeee, yep, still getting bad vibes I'm afraid. It sounds as if she may be expecting that you're going to magic her perfect wedding up for her without her having to put in too much effort?

I'd recommend a bit of a Serious Conversation with her I think. Be 100% clear about what you are and are not prepared to do (eg "I can either go and decorate the venue for you, or I can spend the time getting properly turned out as a bridesmaid. I'm sorry, but there just isn't time for me to do both on the day") and the consequences of her decisions (or the lack thereof). If budget is an issue (from what you've said about her being unwilling to pay for the staff at the venue to decorate the tables), make it clear that those decisions likewise will have repercussions. Your agreeing to be her bridesmaid does not equal you agreeing to do any and all unpaid work that she might wish!

YABU. She obviously wants you to look like yourselves and its a compliment that she doesn't feel the need to get you all plastered in matching makeup and chavvy matching hairdos. Just say to the other bridesmaids a colour if sandal you all most likely already have and maybe silver necklace and earrings. Who cares is some of your hair is up of down. It truly wont be noticed either way. Lovely that you can all ear a 'hopefully' nice dress and just be yourselves.

Apologies for the phone relayed misspellings.

The bride has asked us 2 to do it - apparently the others need time to get ready...not really sure when we are meant to get ready though!

My fear is that at the eleventh hour she is going to realise all the stuff that's not been done, or that isn't how she wants it, and muggins will be the one rushing round trying to fix it all.

Firstly , let her worry about the details. Drinks and things are not something you need to stress about. As a bridesmaid you are expected to work but I would suggest sorting out the tables is too late on the actual day.

I would just take her at her word re accessories - just wear something you already have.

Are you in touch with bride's parents at all ? Might be worth pointing out to them that the brode and groom will need to provide some soft drinks.

The decorations are probably the biggest worry, you won't have time to do them and get ready. Can anything be made up in advance (hen do activity maybe ?) Or could the bride and bridesmaids go to the venue the day before to set up ? She is being unreasonable on that score.

YABVU - Whoever it was that mentioned bridesmaidzilla had it spot on in my opinion. I was a laid back bride, I genuinely didn't care how bridesmaids had their hair etc and let them choose what they wanted. However there were a couple of things I just didn't know would be expected - like flowers in the church for example - a friend mentioned this and I immediately sorted this out but tbh it wouldn't have been an issue for me if I hadn't done it so if she had kept pushing the issue I would have just found it really stressful and annoying.
If my friend asked me to support her with preparing the venue for her wedding I would be honoured that she wanted me to be so involved. You seem so negative about the whole thing, I hope she doesn't catch wind of it as it could ruin her wedding

Sorry, you did say no family.

I would make sure your own children have drinks available, eg water in a named sports bottle, and try to get the word out to other parents / pg women to bring water.

It all seems to be a bit "I think, she thinks..."?

Speak to her! Get it clear. Be as direct as it takes. "I will be very happy to do, a, b and c in support of your wedding but unfortunately I really can't do x, y and z. You will need to make other arrangements for this".