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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about this wedding, being a bridesmaid etc?

158 replies

knotpoodle · 06/08/2014 21:16

Am bridesmaid for an old friend in a few weeks.

She has arranged our dresses, but nothing else, whatever else we want we are expected to pay for ourselves - I asked her about shoes, accessories etc and she told me to match in with the other bridesmaids (who had no idea what to wear either as she hadn't given them any direction).

The bride is having her hair and make up 'done' on the day - she's told us we're doing our own. Which is fine but again she's given no suggestion/guidance - there are 5 of us, I am the only one having my hair up, the rest are having it down. No suggestion of colours of makeup, wear whatever hair accessories we want so long as we match (3 are not wearing any, so we won't match). She hasn't told us if we have flowers to carry (I've asked), and only 2 of the BM's have seen her dress.

We asked about jewellry, at first she said wear pearl necklaces (my DP nearly exploded trying not to laugh at that...) then changed her mind and said anything 'so long as we match'.

We have to go up the night before, and on the morning before the wedding (which is at midday) me and another BM have to do all the table decs.

I've never been this closely involved with a wedding before but it just all seems a bit directionless and disorganised - me and 2 of the other BMs keep emailing to ask stuff which she doesn't appear to have thought of (BM2 asked what drinks would be on the dinner tables - she had ordered red and white wine but no water/soft drinks - there are a lot of children going) and I'm starting to think the whole day could end up being a lot of hassle for me - is this what being a bridesmaid is actually like?

OP posts:
newfavouritething · 06/08/2014 23:13

YABU and are getting too bothered about stuff that really doesn't matter. Get others to help with the tables, water & wine is there, and whether you wear your hair up or down with or without a pair of earrings has little consequence to the wedding.
It's a wedding, it's one day. As long as the 3 main people turn up and 2 of them get married, it's a success.

Original poster
knotpoodle · 06/08/2014 23:20

I have spoken to her more than once (as have other BMs) but we have struggled to get a straight answer.

I've been told by her the other BM's can't help, so it is just me and one other setting up 100 odd place settings, name cards, etc - I did this for another friend's wedding years ago and it took hours, so I know this will take similarly long. We can't start til 9am as there is another wedding the day before and the venue will not be cleared before then. Which doesn't leave a lot of time - and frankly I would rather it was done by the caterers. I appreciate that will cost, but if I say I havent got time to do it, she will have to pay for it.

However I feel if I say this, I will be seen as being difficult/not helping etc.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 06/08/2014 23:25

If you have spoken to her about it then leave the poor woman alone! If setting tables is too much for you because it won't leave you time to get ready then tell her that you don't want to do it but you will probably be seen as not wanting to help as that's how you come across I'm afraid.

allisgood1 · 06/08/2014 23:26

I was the same as this bride. YABU. my girls paid for their own (matching) dress and the I gave free reign over shoes, hair, and makeup. I bought them their jewelry as a thank you gift.

Littleturkish · 06/08/2014 23:27

Right, forget the outfit stuff. She isn't specifying, you can take that to mean she doesn't care. Go for as close to matching as possible, but doesn't really matter if you don't.

The table stuff is taking the piss. You can't do that, unless it's a really small wedding, it will take you HOURS. Trust me, I did mine for 80 people with four people helping and it took me four hours. I was the bride, I just did it.

puntasticusername · 06/08/2014 23:28

Forgive me for speaking straight, but...

...she seems to have the impression that you are willing to do all these things for her. Yet, you are telling US that you're not. If she is to understand your feelings, you're going to have to tell her.

I know you want to be a good friend and bridesmaid, but really. Is your real question to us "how can I tell my friend I don't want to do all these things from her without her entirely hating me?"?

Original poster
knotpoodle · 06/08/2014 23:29

I don't have a problem with helping - I do have a problem with trying to squeeze in 2 hours table prep, 50 mins travel to/from venue, plus getting myself ready all before 11.30am, especially when I only have 1 other BM helping me.

It seems a bit unfair on us.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/08/2014 23:30

As a bridesmaid Iwouldn't have thought you should be involved in making table decorations or worrying about whether or not soft drinks or wine will be provided.

As for make- up, and jewellery and so on. I don't think that needs to be planned to co-ordinate. I don't think it's usual for the bride to pay for the shoes. But usually the flowers are provided and you shouldn't have to buy your own. Weddings!!

Viviennemary · 06/08/2014 23:32

It is unfair and ridiculous. Say you can't get there early enough to write out place cards and so on. She should be doing her own or her parents should be sorting it out. No. She is being cheeky.

ChoccaDoobie · 06/08/2014 23:43

I agree with Nanny and Ogg. Ok, if she really doesn't mind that's fine but if you don't know the other bridesmaids that well or she is in fact quite certain that you must all match that is really difficult. I don't think you are being fussy at all.

flyingtrue · 06/08/2014 23:43

Can you guys not text or watsapp if email is out? Why not just look online somewhere like BHs, choose some cream/ivory shoes so you all match if you want to be more organised?

It's a bit uncoordinated but perhaps she really doesn't mind and just wants you all happy or even thinks maybe since you have different budgets some of you may have your own shoes of that colour to wear on the day.

Jewellery wise- amazon works. Get everyone to search for two sets they like, put up the links and either vote and all by that one or all buy your own ones.

Why is it just you and that one bridesmaid doing? Where ae the others and the groomsman, really the groomsman could more easily do since shave, shower, shit and they're ready.

ChoccaDoobie · 06/08/2014 23:44

Sorry, I meant Nanny and Punt!!

flyingtrue · 06/08/2014 23:45

And table decorations should be made well in advance, boxed up and just taken to the venue. Most times the venue staff will lay out with direction, they shouldn't need making or setting up loads on the day.

gamerchick · 06/08/2014 23:52

I used to set up for these kind of functions.. They won't do it without extra cost. I was also a bridesmaid for somebody who didn't give a toss, I haven't spoken to her since the wedding.

In your shoes I would make a choice I would either be bridesmaid and tell her you can't set up or I would write off being a bridesmaid and set up the room. 100 guests will take ages to sort out and that's not including delays by the staff clearing away and setting the room back up after another function.

From the sounds of it I would set up the room and have a beer waiting for them to arrive tbh.

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 07/08/2014 00:50

I would buy some bottled water and supermarket squash and perhaps plastic cups to have on standby. Won't cost that much to cater just for the kids and then you're not nagging the bride.

Highly unlikely the guests will pay close attention to what you're wearing so just chill and wear what you want.

It sounds like you don't really know the other BMs. Perhaps they are notorious for taking ages to get ready and the bride doesn't want to be stressing about them being ready if they help you out. The suggestion of using the best man is a good one and why not the groom too? Are there any friends of yours going who could help? Doesn't sound like the kind of bride who would stress about guests seeing the venue set up early.

Inertia · 07/08/2014 00:56

Ok, with the further detail you've given, that isn't doable by 2 people in that amount of time with that journey. It's not you being awkward, it just isn't physically possible .

You and the other bm need to present a united front and tell the bride that what she wants is a logistical impossibility. She needs to pay the caterers to do it - or perhaps the bridesmaids could club together and pay for the room set up as a wedding gift.

ChasedByBees · 07/08/2014 02:54

There will be others that can help with the room - you do need to raise the room planning and the water as an issue with the bride.

As for the rest, don't sweat the small stuff.

Mrssomerhalderx · 07/08/2014 03:02

Go with the flow. Maybe she doesn't care about accessories and maybe wants to focus on what the day is all about.
As you're spending , do what you feel looks best for you xxx

JessieMcJessie · 07/08/2014 03:17

Where's the groom in all this? Surely he'd have an opinion about the drinks ordering, for example? Can't you speak to him about that, and the logistics in general?

I don't buy what you say about the other bridesmaids not being able to "match" your shoes. If it really matters, just get their addresses and order the same pair of shoes online for all of them - job done. (if your shoes not available online, buy 4 pairs of any similar cream satin ones that are). Ditto buy the same necklace 5 times over. Hair is absolutely not an issue, nothing worse than you all having matching hair.

For these tables, are we talking about actually setting out knives, forks, glasses etc or just doing the decorations and name cards. If the former she needs to wise up and pay the caterers to do this.

If the latter, at the very least the Bride has to write the cards out for you in advance (or there are umpteen online services who will print them up for not very much money at all). If there are table flowers then the florist will do them. What else does she need you to set up?

mindthegap79 · 07/08/2014 04:09

YABU - if I were you I'd concentrate on feeling honoured that she's chosen you, and stop making a fuss about nothing.

Jugs of tap water alongside wine is fairly standard, no?

Just agree on a shoe colour, necklace style, etc. If one of you spots a perfectly matching clutch or hair accessory or something, offer to pick one up for whoever else wants one.

She sounds like an ok bride to be to me!

MrsMook · 07/08/2014 04:28

She sounds hopelessly scatty. At my wedding and when I've been bridesmaid there's been a simple discussion over what shoes are easiest for the BMs so they had a similar colour, but could use something they have or find something comfortable. It's easier for the bride to point them in the right direction, than 5 random people guessing or coordinating themselves.

The setting up sounds like a recipe for disaster. A DIY venue is a lot of work. When I was BM, it took a team of family and bridal party a few hours to set up and arrange despite it all being well organised. That was done the night before. The hair and makeup were DIY, and we were up 6 hours before the ceremony to get everything done. It was a fantastic wedding, with a lot of work and organisation to pull it off.

Water must be sorted. People will feel ill if there's no access to it. We provided soft drinks aswr had a lot pf non drinkers, bit tthat's not standard.

Surfsup1 · 07/08/2014 05:31

My bridesmaids lived in different countries. I bought the dresses and left the rest up to them other than buying them earrings as a gift. they just emailed each other and said "hey lets wear nude shoes so we can use them again". If they can organise it then I'm pretty sure you can. How about you just make an executive decision and tell all the others?

MsAspreyDiamonds · 07/08/2014 06:09

I have just been to a wedding where they had jugs of water and a really good selection of posh soft drinks on the table. My friend served wine with the meal only& did this deliberately to stretch the alcohol out for the whole day.

Your friend needs to offer soft drinks otherwise there will be a lot of thirsty children and none drinkers and no alcohol by the end of the meal.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 07/08/2014 06:17

Podted too soon

Talk to the other bridesmaids and try to coordinate shoes etc if you want. I told my bridesmaids that they could wear anything they liked as long as it was a certain colour. They all looked very individual but were brought together by the same colour.

WilburIsSomePig · 07/08/2014 07:07

If you have no luck getting hold of all the bridesmaids to discuss shoes/accessories etc. Email the bride with your choices, photos if necessary and ask her to get in touch with the other bridesmaids to let them know what you have. I think she sounds really laid back but agree that she may not be happy with the results if she doesn't know what they are. This way you are letting her know and then it's up to her if she wants to pass it on.

As for the setting up, presumably she's a very good friend if you are her BM, tell her not to be so bloody daft and that caterers will need to set up on the day. She's getting married so she's not expecting it to be free!