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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refer to my step grandchild, as my grandchild?

160 replies

Flexibilityisquay · 06/08/2014 20:57

I have two step grandchildren. I am finding every time I refer to them it is such a mouthful. I am wondering therefore whether people think it would be OK to just refer to them as my grandchildren?

I don't know if I am over thinking it. I know that referring to step children as your children is not on. I have never, and would never do this as they already have a perfectly good Mum. I am wondering though if it is such an issue in relation to the next generation, as it is perfectly possible to have several grandparents, and it is not trying to take over someone else 's place in the same way, if that makes sense? I'd be interested to know what anyone else thinks?

OP posts:
littleSpud · 06/08/2014 23:13

Yanbu I think it's lovely but maybe check with their mum

I have a lovely relationship with my ex mil, I have a ds with her son and have since had two more dds with my new dh. She calls them all her grandchildren and treats them all the same. I Love her and so do all my kids Smile

Otoh my dhs mother is not interested in my ds at all, only my dds. despite the fact I've been with dh since ds was a baby Sad

grannytomine · 06/08/2014 23:48

I have two children with children of their own, one calls my DH grandad and the other calls him by first name. That was their parents choice, one son has always referred to him as childs grandad the other hasn't. My DH wouldn't have called himself grandad unless the parents agree, he is actually closer to the child who calls him by his name.

Chiana · 07/08/2014 02:11

I agree with LittleSpud. The children's parents will probably not mind, but it's only courteous to ask first. The worst thing they can do is say no.

Original poster
Flexibilityisquay · 07/08/2014 09:59

Thanks for all the responses. It seems that the vast majority of people think its fine so I think I will go with that. DSD and her DH refer to me as grandma flexi when talking to their DC's when I'm there, so I don't think they would mind. TBH it only comes up when they are not there and I'm talking about them to people who don't know them. When I am with them I call them by their names. I have been with DH 11 years and my oldest grandchild see what I did there! is 7 so I've been in their lives since birth, and I love them to bits.

I like the idea that someone suggested of thinking of it as a grandma by marriage rather than a step. Seems like a nicer way to think of it. Smile

OP posts:
meddie · 07/08/2014 10:39

My brothers partner had 2 girls from a previous relationship. They have now been together over 20 years. I refer to them as my nieces and my mum calls them her granddaughters.

juneau · 07/08/2014 10:44

I have two step-parents and they refer to my DC as their DGC. I'm pleased that they don't differentiate between their blood GC and step-GC. Actually, I'd be offended if they did, and my DC call them Grandad and Grandma. After more than 30 years of being family I think we've all earned the right to not differentiate.

juneau · 07/08/2014 10:45

P.S. I asked my stepmother when DC1 started to talk what she'd like to be known as and she replied 'Grandma'. Same thing with my step-father. I think its nice to ask, as then everyone is comfortable with the names and no confusion exists.

Sallystyle · 07/08/2014 10:48

My children from my first marriage have step grandparents, and great gp's and they call them their grandparents, no step needed.

Sadly, MIL does not call them her grandchildren or treat them like they are her grandchildren because they don't have the same blood. That has caused a massive rift between us all, especially as she met them when they were just tiny and they don't remember a time in their life when she wasn't around.

My husband will be granddad to their children. The children have already informed him that he is to be granddad and not step granddad.

ThisIsLID · 07/08/2014 10:50

I have 2 step grand patents too, my dad parents who divorced and then got married again.
I called them by their names rather than gran etc... No idea how they are referring to me as.
I know I would resent them saying I'm a grand daughter to them but there us also a lot if family issues going on, I've never got on well with them (nor did my parents) do it's probably more a reflection if the tension existing in the family than anything else.

HippyPottyMouth · 07/08/2014 10:52

My stepdad's mum and dad were my Grandma and Grandpa. My stepdad is Grandpa to my DD and my mum is Grandma to my step-sibs' children. When the oldest GCs were born, my step-sibs' mum was still alive, so she was Grandma "Sue" and my mum Grandma "Jane," but since she died and as time has gone by, the first name has been dropped.

LabradorMama · 07/08/2014 10:56

YANBU, this is perfectly reasonable. My DS calls my step mum 'Grandma' (or he will when he can talk!) She's not even really my step mum as she's not married to my dad but they have been together for 10 years and my mum died in 2003. There was never any question over whether my DS and my nephew would call her Grandma

CulturalBear · 07/08/2014 10:59

My DP's dad's girlfriend is Nanna to our DS. She is Nanna X to my DSS, but I love that she dropped the X part when writing in DS's birthday card.

To me, she is 100% DS's grandma, even though I'm not married to DS's dad, and she's not married to his dad either - although they've been together nearly 23 years.

If DP's mother ever emerges onto the scene, she will be a Nanna Y.

It's totally acceptable to abbreviate in some cases - I refer to DSS as DSS in the third person even though his dad and I aren't married because otherwise you spend about 17 hours explaining the relationship.

Same with DP's stepmum - she's not legally his stepmum, but to all intents and purposes is. I refer to her as that because DP's dad's girlfriend is not only a huge mouthful, but also, IMO, trivialises her standing in everyone's lives. At the end of the day, whether or not DP openly admits this, she has been the mother figure in DP's life for a very long time and I'm sure she refers to him in the same way that his dad refers to her other son - as part of the family.

Enjoy your grandchildren OP Smile

CulturalBear · 07/08/2014 11:01

XP LabradorMama - snap!

Stinkle · 07/08/2014 11:10

My girls call DH's step-father Granddad, they always have. He is more of a grandad than their actual grandad is

DH's Dad has only met them twice (my eldest is nearly 13), they have no idea who he is. When they met him for the second time last year he insisted they call him grandad. Lots of "who? but.... Grandad????" from them

cakecake · 07/08/2014 15:36

Aww, I think that is lovely. I don't think children can have too many grandparents that love them. What do they call you?

When my niece was born, my brother's step mum contacted my mum to see whether it was ok for her to be called grandma too. I thought that was very sweet, and obviously nobody minded in the slightest.

TheHorseHasBolted · 07/08/2014 16:09

I know a little girl who has step-grandparents on one side (one set of grandparents had split up and both remarried long before she was born). As far as she's concerned she just has three grannies and grandads. If you ask her which granny and grandad she means she'll just say (e.g.) Fred and Hilda. Nobody seems to mind at all.

neverputasockinatoaster · 07/08/2014 16:16

I had an interesting conversation with my two the other day.
My parents split up when I was 10. My mum remarried twice and is recently widowed. My dad has a long term partner and they started their relationship when I was at university. I never considered any of the new partners as parents but do refer to them as step parents to make conversation easier. (My dad's partner becomes a bit of a mouthful!)
My children have grown up with Grandma and X, Grandad and Y and then Grandma and Grandpa on DH's side.
However, the other day DS said he felt they were really lucky because they had 6 Grandparents when most people had 4.
So, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that names don't matter but actions do.
(makes no sense, shuffles off in confusion!)

iwantgin · 07/08/2014 16:25

DS calls my stepfather his grandad. But he has been my stepfather since I was a child.

I re-married -and DS (who is now 16) calls my DH parents grandma and grandad. I think he just shouted it over the room to catch their attention. but it's stuck and I think it is sweet that he feels he can call them that.

JustAShopGirl · 07/08/2014 16:27

mine have a Gran (MIL), Granny (My mum) and Grandma (my late father's second wife - so she is/was (??) my stepmum).

I'm fine with her calling them her grandchildren.

Mmmmnotquitesure · 07/08/2014 16:38

I'm actually quite surprised at these replies. I'm not sure how I'll feel at sharing the grandmother role with my ex's girlfriend when my DC are old enough to be having kids. I guess tbh I even resent Ex being called a father because of his lame efforts at actually parenting and blatantly putting the girlfriend before his kids at every opportunity. Suck it up I guess but doesn't feel right, she's not my family, she's not their family and has only served to distract his little attention even further away from his DC. Playing grandma shouldn't be automatic... (That's if they're even bothered anyway).

IShallCallYouSquishy · 07/08/2014 16:40

My grandad is actually my mums step dad.

When DSis and I were little we were treated just like grand kids and were referred to as such.

However when mums half brother had children the difference became quite apparent.

If you always think of them as grandchildren rather than step then YANBU.

Shedding · 07/08/2014 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SadOldGit · 07/08/2014 16:59

DHs parents had both remarried before we had children but after DH had left home so not step parents as such, therefore our children have always had 3 sets of grandparents, my mum and dad, dhs mum + husband, Dhs dad + wife. All grandparents seen as equal..............................Until Dh's dad's wife (who had grown up children) also became a grandparent (her son and Dil had daughter).

She then announced to our children ( can't remember how old DD1 and DS were but old enough to understand - pre DD2) that she was a real grandma now and had a blood grandchild. She mentioned this every time they saw her that she wasn't really their grandma. Fast forward now (they are 22 and 18) and they don't really consider her to be anything other than the woman their grandad is married to.

NobodyLivesHere · 07/08/2014 17:03

my dad and stepmum have a billion grandkids between them, some are hers, some are his, a few are both of theirs, they are all their grandchildren. no differentiation.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 07/08/2014 17:03

My two eldest sons are from a previous relationship but my PIL refer to them as their grandsons anyway. I think that's really only been the case since DD and DS3 came along as it would have been awkward to have half the children in our household viewed one way, and the rest viewed another way.

I am very glad that my PIL don't treat ds1 & 2 any differently to their biological grandchildren. I would find it very difficult to see them pushed aside in any way. They were only very young when DH & I got together though, so PIL have virtually always been a big part of their lives.

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