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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed my DH is using this as a reason to go to the pub?

60 replies

Knackeredmum13 · 06/08/2014 20:12

He has told me that a colleague of his has died and so he has headed to the pub. He has only recently started his job so barely knew ( if he knew at all!) this colleague. I do understand these things are a shock but it's annoyed me that he is using it as an excuse for going out.

We have a toddler who is very lively and tiring. We have no help nearby, so DH is the only respite I get. As it is he see's our toddler for approx half an hour each evening. So to my mind he is choosing not to see his child at all today. He could have gone for one or two drinks and still been home but has chosen to stay out all evening.

It isn't a rare night out either. He had a work night out last week and was out all afternoon and evening on Saturday.

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable and PMT'y to feel irritated?

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 06/08/2014 20:18

If he hadn't been out in ages, I'd have probably said let him have a night out with his colleagues, especially if he's just started there.

But as he's recently had a night out, and a full afternoon/evening (presumably while you were looking after your DC?) then no, HIBU. He's telling you you're doing more 'overtime' whether you like it or not, and that's not fair.

Mrwillywonkasbitch · 06/08/2014 20:18

I'd be well fucked off put your foot down and tell him to sort his priorities out

Discobugsacha · 06/08/2014 20:23

I think it's fair enough to go out 1-2 times a week with work collegues. Do you get to go out too though? I would expect you to be able to do the same if you wanted to?

StackladysMorphicResonator · 06/08/2014 20:25

How old is your DC? Are you bf-ing? If not, can you leave him in sole charge while you go out for a bit to even things up?

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 06/08/2014 20:28

I think that's one of the main reasons I'm annoyed. He just told me he was going to be late. So he is just assuming that it's ok for me to carry on looking after the toddler by myself.

So I've had to look after him all day and now now I've not even had a small break this evening. He is a terror to get to bed at the moment. I'm
Typing this whilst sat in the dark next to his bed. He screams if you leave before he is properly asleep. Then I've got to clean up from my dinner and then bed as I'm up again at 5.30.

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 06/08/2014 20:35

I'm guessing you're a SAHM? If so, it's your job/role to look after DC while your DH is at work during his normal hours/travelling time. If he has to work overtime, you have to do 'overtime' with DC. But he doesn't get to tell you that you're doing overtime because he wants to go out for the evening. He asks if you're OK with it, and you can say yes or no. Again, YANBU.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 06/08/2014 20:38

Kill him.
Then you can go to the pub to commiserate with your friends.

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 06/08/2014 20:59

I'm actually using up lots of accrued leave after mat leave. DH think ( and is constantly telling me) that I'm very fortunate to be able to be at home. He is also forever saying how he would love to trade places and spend all day at home with our toddler.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 06/08/2014 21:04

Losing isn't just about the loss of that person, it also affects all those around you and can remind you of your own mortality.

Personally, I'd not raise it but if this is just another example of an unequal partnership, inform that on X, you are going out so he needs to make sure he's home in time.

Every time he has leisure time, make sure you get equal.

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 06/08/2014 21:09

I guess to my mind if this death has reminded him
If his mortality he should be making the most of the little time he gets with his child, not getting pissed.

I think I have little tolerance for him these days.

OP posts:

caroldecker · 06/08/2014 21:10

It could be considered a good bonding experience with new work collegues if they are all going together

MsVestibule · 06/08/2014 21:41

It could, carol, but as he had a night out with them only last week...

It would irritate the life out of me if DH hadn't appreciated the effort it takes to look after an active toddler all day. How often has he looked after him by himself?

MsVestibule · 06/08/2014 21:43

From your last sentence, I'm guessing this isn't your only problem (I'm like Poirot, me.)

What else is wrong?

vezzie · 06/08/2014 21:48

Knackered, do you think that

a - he is looking for any excuse to go out on the piss and doesn't care about the work that this leaves you with
b - he is trying to bond with his new team and should have shown a bit more consideration for the impact this would have on you, he could have made it ok by asking nicely and promising you a full lie in and morning off one day this weekend
c - he is actively avoiding childcare and deliberately leaving you with the toddler because he can't be arsed to do it
d - other (please elaborate)

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 06/08/2014 21:59

He hasn't looked after him all day for months and months.

vezzie my answer is a. DH is the type who always has a reason. It's always really important that he goes to every leaving do, goes out to celebrate every graduate passing their exams. I'm never sure if he's trying to convince me or himself half the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 06/08/2014 22:00

I'm now getting a stream of nonsensical texts so he is clearly paralytic. Great.

OP posts:

vezzie · 06/08/2014 22:07

oh dear, I think you need to throw a sleeping bag and a pillow onto the sofa and lock yourself into bed with a nice book and some earplugs.

So basically he is a shocking boozer?

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 06/08/2014 22:18

Yeah you could say that. To his mind he's no different to anyone else and I'm uptight.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 06/08/2014 22:22

How old is he? 17?

jaynebxl · 06/08/2014 22:27

Arrange a night out tomorrow and tell him he is on childcare duty. Even if you just end up going round a mate's for coffee.

puntasticusername · 06/08/2014 22:27

"He is always telling me how much he would love to be at home all day with our toddler".

I really, REALLY, truly think you should give him that precious opportunity. Book yourself a day away somewhere - better still, a whole weekend. Clearly you deserve the break and he will relish the quality time spent with his child?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/08/2014 03:10

Let him have his wish. He can be at home all day and evening (tea, bath, bed). He might have a great time and you can gave a break.

lettertoherms · 07/08/2014 03:17

I think this is not the one you should kick off over.

Even if he didn't know the man well, presumably his colleagues did, and he's now part of this work dynamic - going out is more showing sympathy to the others of the group he's now part of.

I don't think he should go out like this as a pattern, but consider putting your foot down in the future, rather than making this night the one to raise the issue with.

LindyHemming · 07/08/2014 03:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/08/2014 07:07

It really makes me feel so cross when i hear of men who simultaneously avoid the job of parenting and claim how easy it is. Its grossly unsupportive and belittling.
What are the weekends like?

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