To be annoyed my DH is using this as a reason to go to the pub?

[Knackeredmum13]

He has told me that a colleague of his has died and so he has headed to the pub. He has only recently started his job so barely knew ( if he knew at all!) this colleague. I do understand these things are a shock but it's annoyed me that he is using it as an excuse for going out.

We have a toddler who is very lively and tiring. We have no help nearby, so DH is the only respite I get. As it is he see's our toddler for approx half an hour each evening. So to my mind he is choosing not to see his child at all today. He could have gone for one or two drinks and still been home but has chosen to stay out all evening.

It isn't a rare night out either. He had a work night out last week and was out all afternoon and evening on Saturday.

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable and PMT'y to feel irritated?

[Knackeredmum13]

Well he was so drunk that he got on the wrong train, then instead of going just one station back so he could get on the correct train, he got a train all the way back into London. Then he got on the same wrong train again!! He ended up getting a taxi back. I've not spoken to him at all.
He slept in the toddlers room and has left an absolute mess behind him.

I'm disgusted with him. What happened to his colleague may have been reason to go for one or two drinks, I don't see how it justifies staying out til gone midnight and getting completely hammered.

[Knackeredmum13]

Oh and while he did get up with the toddler at 5.30, or rather took him into bed with him. He hasn't changed his nappy so he is still in a shitty nappy. I'm fuming!

[FrankSaysNo]

You're just jealous because you cant drop everything to go out. Been there, and commiserate. However if DH has just started a new job, fitting in socially is expected. You have chosen to spend all your leave at home with a toddler, I used a child minder to give me some free time whilst on ML. It was respite and allowed some me time. I suggest you do the same. It will stop the resentment

[edamsavestheday]

Your dh is taking the piss. Socialising with colleagues in a new job is one thing, getting bladdered is another esp. while dismissing your work. Why don't you get to socialise? You are both working, only difference is yours is a caring role. Your work enables him to go to work.

Arrange to go away for a weekend or at the least a full day inc. evening. Don't sort anything house or child related in advance. Don't tell him about the evening in advance. That might show him that your work is not a doddle.

[EverythingCounts]

I hope you told him to change the nappy and didn't end up doing it yourself. He is clearly making excuses as no one has to go to every round of office drinks. For everyone it clashes with a home life commitment, so if your husband always prioritises the drinking, he is lying and hypocritical about wanting to be home with the toddler. Make arrangements for him to do a day at home asap. Can you go out for a whole day at the weekend?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I dont think daytime "respite" is the same tbh.
Firstly, it will have to be paid for, which isnt always possible. Especially on mat leave.
And secondly, having a few hours off in the day, whilst valuable, is hardly the same as being absent from family life in the evening because you're out getting hammered.
I agree OP is probably jealous. Too right.

[temporarilyjerry]

MsVestibule is spot on when she says: it's your job/role to look after DC while your DH is at work during his normal hours/travelling time. If he has to work overtime, you have to do 'overtime' with DC. But he doesn't get to tell you that you're doing overtime because he wants to go out for the evening.

He needs to know this.

[Knackeredmum13]

I changed the Nappy as I didn't realise until he had left for work.

I could, and should, arrange to go out for a day at the weekend but I see it as family time and prioritise that. Silly me as clearly he doesn't feel the same.

Our marriage is failing at the moment. He says its me " not being nice to him" and being distant. I can't get him to understand that my lack of affection for him
Is a direct result of his drinking.

[Knackeredmum13]

He constantly mentions how tired he is from working long hours (9-5!!) and then having to come home and work more. His evening "work" consists of bathing the toddler and putting him to bed and then washing up after dinner.

He does nothing else, except mess around watering grass in an area if garden I never use. I keep the house spotless, do all laundry and baby care. Yet he claims he does "loads".

He will take the toddler off my hands at weekends but I always end up getting involved. It doesn't occur to him to feed DS unless I prompt him. He also let's him crawl around all over the place so he usually ends up coming into me.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

And when do you go back to work? Are you looking forward to it?

Tbh. It sounds as though he is taking the piss a bit. And the heavy drinking would annoy me. But toddlers are hard work a d can really test your relationship. It sounds as though he does want to do things as a family, but is dismissive of the contribution you make. This enables him to take the piss about going out, without feeling guilty, because after all, you're just sitting about with a toddler. How hard can that be?
It sounds as though you are both working hard tbh. But the trouble is, your contribution is being devalued by him.
And if he is drinking a lot, he is going to feel tired.
Can you get a babysitter? So you can both. Go out together?

[vezzie]

I think you should ask him not to drink for a while (say a month) to see what happens. Don't make it all about the drinking at first, or all about him. Sit down, say you are both knackered, you both need to recharge and work on energy levels, you are going to do x,y, z thing as a contribution to that (something easy that makes it look like you are not making it all about him - say you are going to eat 3 additional raw foods every day or something and buy some celery and strawberries) - and say booze is banned for a month.

Various things might happen.

He might say "ok"

He might say "what do you mean we are both knackered, I am knackered, you don't do anything"

he might say "ok" and then kick off two days later and say "this is bullshit, I work hard, a deserve a drink"

he might say ok and drink in secret

other things might happen.


If he just stops drinking for a month, this will genuinely improve your relationship and give you a space to talk about how to move forward - because he won't be either pissed or hungover, and you won't be resentful that he was texting crap, getting the wrong train etc - and you will respect him for just agreeing to something you asked and following through - and you might both be in an emotional space to talk the childcare stuff over as partners who like each other.

If he won't - then this is a booze problem. I'm sorry.

[doziedoozie]

On another similar thread a poster said she got an evening job 6-10pm.

Seemed a brilliant idea - and you still get weekends together!

[Knackeredmum13]

He would never agree to stop drinking. Yes there is a booze problem.

I have a really good job to return to so I'm not looking for evening work too.

[Knackeredmum13]

I didn't mean that last sentence to sound so rude sorry!
My job when full time pays quite a lot. I will be part time when I return but an evening job still wouldn't pay half as much. So even if I wanted to it wouldn't be feasible I'm afraid.

[vezzie]

OP, what on earth is wrong with that suggestion? To a woman whose problem is that she has too much to do, and her partner doesn't do enough, and her name includes the word "knackered" - get another menial job - don't you know that I Will Work Harder is the solution?



OK, you know it is a booze problem.

[Knackeredmum13]

Mmm even if I wasn't set to return to work I don't think my contribution is any less worthwhile.

It is a booze issue. DH doesn't see it because he "doesn't drink everyday", and " turns down lots of nights out that you don't know about". But I can't trust him when drink is involved. He could have a couple and come home ok, but all too often once he starts drinking he doesn't know when ( or isn't able) to stop. He always has a justification for it though. He thinks I'm being unfair because it doesn't happen that often anymore, but it does still happen. I can't make him understand that I can't trust him just because he tells me too. I've been burnt too many times before.

[WheresClare]

OP you're describing me 20 years ago. We had the worst 18 months ever, DH drank too much, I was exhausted and felt he didn't understand me. It all came to a head and he left for two weeks BUT - that was a turning point and we started to talk and we're still together 20 years on with 3 kids and very happy. What helped us was trying to see each other's point of view ie: me 'had the kids all day want a break when you come home' translated to him 'been at work all day want a break when I get home.' Me: 'stuck in house all day and night while you go to work AND THEN GO OUT TO DRINK' compared to his 'look forward to coming home but am then met by totally frazzled wife who moans and whatever I do isn't done the way she likes it so yes, am looking for excuses to go to pub.'
Once we realised we were both unhappy we started to work together. Also, life got easier when I went back to work because then we were 'equal' and it made much more sense to share housework and childcare. Family life is tough - you and DH need to be on the same side if at all possible.

[EverythingCounts]

Hmm. He is taking the piss massively. 9-5 is not a long working day, it's normal, and so are the tasks he does in the evening.

When are you planning to go back to work? Is it soon?

How do you think you can deal with being married to someone with a drink problem?

[EverythingCounts]

Oh, and how does he feel about you going back to work? Is that something he doesn't want, or does he position it as great because then you'll understand some of the pressure he's under?

[Knackeredmum13]

Everything counts - your last post made me laugh because that's exactly how he is! He has said so many times that I'm " in for a shock" once I go back to work.

[EverythingCounts]

Personally I find a day at work much easier than looking after a lively toddler! You will be fine. You just have to decide what to do about him.

[Knackeredmum13]

That's what I'm thinking! I have the journey to mumsnet in peace without someone trying to grab my phone. I can eat my lunch without having to share it and then having it chucked all over the floor. I can even go to the loo without someone following me screaming! Sounds good to me!

[MsVestibule]

TBF, you probably are in for a shock. Because as well as working full time(?) he'll be expecting you to continue to be responsible for all of the household tasks you've been doing while on ML and still be the primary/default carer for your DC while he goes out for the evening and weekends when he feels like it. Or perhaps I've just spent too much time on MN and become an old cynic .

Seriously, the old bollocks "I've been at work all day, I'm much too tired to do anything when I get home" is utterly ridiculous. When I was single and child free, I managed to work 9-6 with a 45 minute drive each way, and still managed to make my tea and do a bit of cleaning. If pushed, I might have even managed to bath a baby.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Yy Msvestibule
My work is demanding and i like being with my DCs, but it really is tough looking after s toddler imho. They are very hard work.
And it seems you would be expected to take a larger share of household and childcare responsibilities (would bet my last glass of wine on it).
Or is he going to step up?
Maybe you would be going out after work like he does and he will pick up the slack. Frankly, that is almost unheard of in RL. Im sure it happens, but very rarely.

[araiba]

he should ask you beforehand if he is allowed to play out with his friends.