To be annoyed my DH is using this as a reason to go to the pub?

[Knackeredmum13]

He has told me that a colleague of his has died and so he has headed to the pub. He has only recently started his job so barely knew ( if he knew at all!) this colleague. I do understand these things are a shock but it's annoyed me that he is using it as an excuse for going out.

We have a toddler who is very lively and tiring. We have no help nearby, so DH is the only respite I get. As it is he see's our toddler for approx half an hour each evening. So to my mind he is choosing not to see his child at all today. He could have gone for one or two drinks and still been home but has chosen to stay out all evening.

It isn't a rare night out either. He had a work night out last week and was out all afternoon and evening on Saturday.

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable and PMT'y to feel irritated?

[Knackeredmum13]

He's not mean with money at all thankfully. It all goes in the pot. Technically I will be paying it but we both get the same amount of personal spending money.

[Darkesteyes]

If the two of you were to split he would actually have to do some childcare on his access days.

And next time he says that you will get a shock when you go back to work you could say "im glad you mentioned that because we also need to discuss splitting the cost of childcare. Im sure that you must have realised this already though"


Because im willing to bet that the same "dad" who refuses to care for his OWN child or clear up his OWN mess in the house will also be the man who expects all the costs of childcare to come out of your wage OP!

[Knackeredmum13]

Oh sorry I misunderstood. In DH's case it's definitely true. He didn't tell me but once I started getting the nonsense texts I started tracking his iphone. So I saw for my own eyes what he was doing.

He knows I do this before anyone accuses me of invading his privacy. When he gets really drunk he wouldn't be able to tell you where he was even if he knew.

[Crinkle77]

Sorry OP when I said it was bullshit I wondered if these fella's used that excuse to stay out longer

[Knackeredmum13]

Crinkle - I wish it was all bullshit but sadly not.

I will be finishing work earlier to pick the toddler up from nursery. So I won't be able to just go out without having prearranged for DH to leave work early that night.

I do think I will end up doing all of the housework too.

It's too late for me not to resent him
I'm afraid.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Or, araina he could actually act like a grown man, husband and father, rather than a spotty teenager in his first ever job who can get pissed every day because he has no other responsibilities than to please himself.

[Crinkle77]

I have also noticed a lot on Mumsnet that the fella goes out for a drink then gets the wrong train or falls asleep and ends up miles away. I am also wondering if this is all bullshit too?

[Crinkle77]

YANBU. One lad I know admitted to starting a row with his partner so he had an excuse to storm out the house and off to the pub.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Going back to work was a shock, adult conversation and a super hot cup of coffee.

Op you need to talk, don't let this get so bad that you end up resenting each other.

[Igggi]

[araiba]

he should ask you beforehand if he is allowed to play out with his friends.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Yy Msvestibule
My work is demanding and i like being with my DCs, but it really is tough looking after s toddler imho. They are very hard work.
And it seems you would be expected to take a larger share of household and childcare responsibilities (would bet my last glass of wine on it).
Or is he going to step up?
Maybe you would be going out after work like he does and he will pick up the slack. Frankly, that is almost unheard of in RL. Im sure it happens, but very rarely.

[MsVestibule]

TBF, you probably are in for a shock. Because as well as working full time(?) he'll be expecting you to continue to be responsible for all of the household tasks you've been doing while on ML and still be the primary/default carer for your DC while he goes out for the evening and weekends when he feels like it. Or perhaps I've just spent too much time on MN and become an old cynic .

Seriously, the old bollocks "I've been at work all day, I'm much too tired to do anything when I get home" is utterly ridiculous. When I was single and child free, I managed to work 9-6 with a 45 minute drive each way, and still managed to make my tea and do a bit of cleaning. If pushed, I might have even managed to bath a baby.

[Knackeredmum13]

That's what I'm thinking! I have the journey to mumsnet in peace without someone trying to grab my phone. I can eat my lunch without having to share it and then having it chucked all over the floor. I can even go to the loo without someone following me screaming! Sounds good to me!

[EverythingCounts]

Personally I find a day at work much easier than looking after a lively toddler! You will be fine. You just have to decide what to do about him.

[Knackeredmum13]

Everything counts - your last post made me laugh because that's exactly how he is! He has said so many times that I'm " in for a shock" once I go back to work.

[EverythingCounts]

Oh, and how does he feel about you going back to work? Is that something he doesn't want, or does he position it as great because then you'll understand some of the pressure he's under?

[EverythingCounts]

Hmm. He is taking the piss massively. 9-5 is not a long working day, it's normal, and so are the tasks he does in the evening.

When are you planning to go back to work? Is it soon?

How do you think you can deal with being married to someone with a drink problem?

[WheresClare]

OP you're describing me 20 years ago. We had the worst 18 months ever, DH drank too much, I was exhausted and felt he didn't understand me. It all came to a head and he left for two weeks BUT - that was a turning point and we started to talk and we're still together 20 years on with 3 kids and very happy. What helped us was trying to see each other's point of view ie: me 'had the kids all day want a break when you come home' translated to him 'been at work all day want a break when I get home.' Me: 'stuck in house all day and night while you go to work AND THEN GO OUT TO DRINK' compared to his 'look forward to coming home but am then met by totally frazzled wife who moans and whatever I do isn't done the way she likes it so yes, am looking for excuses to go to pub.'
Once we realised we were both unhappy we started to work together. Also, life got easier when I went back to work because then we were 'equal' and it made much more sense to share housework and childcare. Family life is tough - you and DH need to be on the same side if at all possible.

[Knackeredmum13]

Mmm even if I wasn't set to return to work I don't think my contribution is any less worthwhile.

It is a booze issue. DH doesn't see it because he "doesn't drink everyday", and " turns down lots of nights out that you don't know about". But I can't trust him when drink is involved. He could have a couple and come home ok, but all too often once he starts drinking he doesn't know when ( or isn't able) to stop. He always has a justification for it though. He thinks I'm being unfair because it doesn't happen that often anymore, but it does still happen. I can't make him understand that I can't trust him just because he tells me too. I've been burnt too many times before.

[vezzie]

OP, what on earth is wrong with that suggestion? To a woman whose problem is that she has too much to do, and her partner doesn't do enough, and her name includes the word "knackered" - get another menial job - don't you know that I Will Work Harder is the solution?



OK, you know it is a booze problem.

[Knackeredmum13]

I didn't mean that last sentence to sound so rude sorry!
My job when full time pays quite a lot. I will be part time when I return but an evening job still wouldn't pay half as much. So even if I wanted to it wouldn't be feasible I'm afraid.

[Knackeredmum13]

He would never agree to stop drinking. Yes there is a booze problem.

I have a really good job to return to so I'm not looking for evening work too.

[doziedoozie]

On another similar thread a poster said she got an evening job 6-10pm.

Seemed a brilliant idea - and you still get weekends together!

[vezzie]

I think you should ask him not to drink for a while (say a month) to see what happens. Don't make it all about the drinking at first, or all about him. Sit down, say you are both knackered, you both need to recharge and work on energy levels, you are going to do x,y, z thing as a contribution to that (something easy that makes it look like you are not making it all about him - say you are going to eat 3 additional raw foods every day or something and buy some celery and strawberries) - and say booze is banned for a month.

Various things might happen.

He might say "ok"

He might say "what do you mean we are both knackered, I am knackered, you don't do anything"

he might say "ok" and then kick off two days later and say "this is bullshit, I work hard, a deserve a drink"

he might say ok and drink in secret

other things might happen.


If he just stops drinking for a month, this will genuinely improve your relationship and give you a space to talk about how to move forward - because he won't be either pissed or hungover, and you won't be resentful that he was texting crap, getting the wrong train etc - and you will respect him for just agreeing to something you asked and following through - and you might both be in an emotional space to talk the childcare stuff over as partners who like each other.

If he won't - then this is a booze problem. I'm sorry.