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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you want friends you have to go out and make friends?

145 replies

cailindana · 04/08/2014 16:11

I've moved around a lot and generally succeed in making a few good friends wherever I go. It's not through luck or my sparkling wit and personality that this happens, it's because I take every opportunity to talk to new people, I invite people to my house, I let people know I would like a new friend and I work hard at it.

AIBU to think there's no point in complaining that you have no friends if you're not actually going to do the (sometimes considerable) legwork it takes to make a new friend?

OP posts:
littlejohnnydory · 04/08/2014 16:13

Not everyone is confident enough to invite new people round to their house or suggest meeting up. Yes, you do need to put the effort in to form friendships but it takes a long time (years) for many people.

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 04/08/2014 16:15

hoik those judgey pants, cause y'know, we all find exactly the same things as the next person easy/possible.

I may as well start a thread saying 'what's the matter with people who find it difficult to trust other humans?'

bah humbug.

Thefishewife · 04/08/2014 16:16

Don't agree I am generally shit at making friends I have a difficult personality

It's not a question of going out more

Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 16:16

That's fair enough littlejohnny. What annoys me is people complaining (on here and in real life) that "no one talk to me" and "everyone is so cliquey." It's the expectation that other people will hand friendship to them on a plate without them putting in any effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 16:17

What does "a difficult personality" mean fishewife?

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 04/08/2014 16:18

YABU! Some people (a lot actually) are very insecure or don't have homes that they're comfortable sharing with others....I for one am very embarrassed about mine. Most of the people I meet are situated better than we are and I can't IMAGINE their faces if I invited them into my poky council flat!

However, some people do need to push themselves more. I am shy and insecure but have made myself text a couple of women to ask them to meet up for a drink and they've all agreed so I feel pleased with myself as I NEVER arrange anything.

googoodolly · 04/08/2014 16:19

well when you have anxiety and are scared shitless about talking to your own colleagues let alone total strangers, no, it isn't quite as easy as just going out and making the effort Hmm

Pyjamaramadrama · 04/08/2014 16:19

It's not that easy for some people.

If you're shy or low in confidence or have been hurt or are even a bit depressed it's difficult to put yourself out there.

People might not have money/childcare to go out, they might not have a nice home that they want to invite people back to, they might not feel they've anything interesting to talk about.

Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 16:19

The way I see it MrsWinnibago is that if people judge you for where you live then they're shitheads and not worth knowing.

Good on you though for texting people, that's exactly what I mean.

OP posts:
ALittleFaith · 04/08/2014 16:20

Yeah YABU. It's just not that simple for some people. I have a handful of close friends I've learnt to trust over time but I don't have the social skills to just go out and make new friends.

Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 16:20

I've been depressed, I've been hurt. I may seem confident but that doesn't mean I don't worry about what people think.

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 16:21

I never said it was simple or easy. It's not, for anybody.

OP posts:
googoodolly · 04/08/2014 16:24

Well you're definitely acting like it is! you can go out and do it anyway - LOTS of people can't do that!

Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 16:33

It isn't easy. It takes a lot of effort and you always run the risk of getting hurt. But if you truly want friends the only way to do get them is to take that risk.

OP posts:
OcadoSubstitutedMyHummus · 04/08/2014 16:37

OP, YANBU

It is like lots of things, some people enjoy moaning about their perceived issue but are unwilling to take any real steps to remedy the situation. Whether that is losing weight, getting fit, finding a partner, getting qualifications, moving jobs or here making friends.

I've also moved around and always made a consious effort to find friends and not just expected them to come to me. When DD was born for various reasons I knew nobody locally and nobody with a baby but I went out proactively and made a big effort to make local friends. And now I have a nice group and people I am proud to consider my friends.

Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 16:46

It annoys me that because I'm perceived to be the "confident" one I'm supposed to invite everyone and organise everything. I'd like to be the one sitting back waiting for everyone else to come running after me for a change.

OP posts:
HappySeaTurtles · 04/08/2014 16:48

As someone who has/had social anxiety, I agree and I don't.

Yes, getting out and meeting people is what has to be done to make friends. No one is going to work at being friends with you without you making an effort yourself. You get what you put into a friendship.

However it's not a matter of "just" getting out there and hanging out with people. Not everyone find this easy, and not everyone is good at it.

Ludoole · 04/08/2014 16:48

I wish I had the time to make friends...
I miss not having them.
its not that I dont make the effort, its that people don't like the fact that I cant be there every time they want me to be due to family commitments.

Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 16:51

What makes you say they don't like the fact you can't be there every time Ludoole? Did they say that to you?

OP posts:
Ludoole · 04/08/2014 16:56

If I said I couldnt meet up I wouldnt hear from them for a while (until they had some problem that required a 4 hour phonecall late at night...)

Now im going through the worst time in my life and contact has ceased on their part...

mommy2ash · 04/08/2014 16:57

I have no problem understanding that some people are shy or have anxiety etc. I don't make friends easily myself. I don't understand when I read threads about how a poster has no friends isn't willing to try anything and puts the blame on others for them not having friends.

IrenetheQuaint · 04/08/2014 16:59

I agree with your general point, cailin, but you've made it many times before on here, haven't you? Why start a thread to say the same thing for the 99th time, especially when you know it makes some other posters feel like shit?

Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 17:00

You say you wouldn't hear from them, do you try to contact them?

That's what I mean mommy2ash - the blaming other people for it. The girlfriend of a friend of mine has posted a thing on facebook about being an "introvert" which to me basically reads "I am very rude and you have to put up with it because I am an introvert." Sorry but there are basic rules of conduct when you're in company of other people and making excuses doesn't allow you to be rude. And she is, very very rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 04/08/2014 17:01

I haven't made it many times on here Irene. I've said it once before and I bring it up because it bugs the shit out of me.

OP posts:
Doobledootch · 04/08/2014 17:02

YANBU friends are not going to just land in your lap and you have to be prepared to put in a bit of effort in.

I do think that setting out to make friends is often a bit of an ambitious endeavour though. I find it much easier to think of it as widening my circle of acquaintances, the wider it becomes and the more people I speak to, the more likely I am to start making proper friendships IYSWIM.

I also generally agree, that whilst we all need to moan about our lot in life from time to time, generally if you're really not happy about something in your life then you're going to have to make the choice, either learn to live with the status quo or do something to change it. So what if you don't find it easy, what makes you think life should be easy?

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