to think if you want friends you have to go out and make friends?

[cailindana]

I've moved around a lot and generally succeed in making a few good friends wherever I go. It's not through luck or my sparkling wit and personality that this happens, it's because I take every opportunity to talk to new people, I invite people to my house, I let people know I would like a new friend and I work hard at it.

AIBU to think there's no point in complaining that you have no friends if you're not actually going to do the (sometimes considerable) legwork it takes to make a new friend?

Also, Fog, you have "gone out there" and made friends, but on the internet rather than in real life. You've taken the situation you have and made it work for you as best you can.

Cailindana
when i first started reading i thought wtf but after reading your last posts i think i understand what you mean.

You said that you are foreign, try to see the cultural difference then. I don't know where you come from but iimagine maybe from a country similar to mine with lax social rules and extrovert people. Bear in mind that Britain had strict social rules and many people in their 40s or so were brought up with such rules.
I remember reading the thread about eating in the street, many posters there said that their mum and teachers told them it is common and unaccepttable. This was allien to me.
But if you are brought up to be concious in social situations then it is extremely hard to shake it, i think that many people are trying to but it is not so easy.

I think the point I was trying clumsily and wordily to make was; 'sometimes people are already doing their best. Their best might not match up to your best. People are different.'

Also 'sometimes people who complain want sympathy and not advice.'

I’ve posted quite a few times (on the Relationships Board) about making friends. I’ve been pro-active, got myself out there, and to be honest the only thing I’ve achieved is a wider circle of pleasant acquaintances, none of which I would really describe as friends. So whilst that’s a positive (sort of) it didn’t quite achieve what I set out to do.

So as I already have three close friends and a lovely DH, a busy job and quite a few interests, I’ve decided that (a) I don’t really need any more friends, even though I’m open to the idea; and (b) I’ve made a decision to stop trying to make new friends; maybe I was trying too hard, and sometimes the nicest people in life come along when you least expect it.

So whilst I’m still open to new friendships if fate/nature/the alignment of the planets deems it so, I’ve decided to enjoy what I’ve got, and see where life takes me. And since making that decision I feel happier and more relaxed, which is far better than spending hours stressing over whether I’m popular enough or social enough.

Laquitar - I'm Irish so there is some cultural difference. I find that Irish people are far chattier to strangers but harder to form a strong friendship with whereas English people are less chatty to strangers but easier to become good friends with.
It appears to me that Irish people are less concerned about what people think of them - they have more of a "take me or leave me" attitude but that could just be perception on my part, I have nothing to back that up.

Fog - I understand people wanting sympathy rather than advice but I object to people blaming others for something that they are not responsible for.

MillyMolly - if you have 3 good friends and a lovely DH I'd say you're in a great position. I don't see the point in making friends for the sake of it.

I agree no one should make friends for the sake of it, but I've often felt lacking and it appears that everyone except me has dozens of close friends and a high-octane social life. However maybe I'm wrong .....

I know one person who has dozens of friends and a high-octane social life but he is a childless actor in London who could convince a nun with a heavy head cold to go clubbing on a school night.

I think realistically most people, especially with children, a job and a partner, can only manage three or four good friends that they see fairly regularly and maybe a slightly larger circle of pretty good friends that they chat to. Friendships take time and effort or they're not worth much.

I agree Cailindana.

YABVU OP

I've moved around a lot living the expat live in different countries in the last few years. I've put myself out there, invested the time and effort, I still wouldn't say I've made real friends in that time. It takes two to make a friendship, regardless of how much initiative and effort you put in, it is not a simple case of getting out what you put in. Some people are just too busy or just not that interested or feel they don't have space in their life's to commit to having more friends. Others are users and fair weather friends. Some are happy to talk to you one moment and completely ignore you the next time they see you, blowing hot and cold, what is that about? Someone up thread said don't underestimate when you simply don't know what to say to someone in order to make friends...etc. etc.

I don't complain about it though, que sera sera, so I guess that makes it ok then according to the op.

The blowing and hot and cold thing could be that they're just not nice people (in which case they're not worth knowing) or it could be that they're distracted/busy/waiting for you to start the conversation/any number of reasons. There are people who turn up at the toddler group I run and never ever initiate conversation. I see them waiting for me to say hello and most of the time I do but if I don't it doesn't mean I'm ignoring them it means they just need to take the initiative for once.

I wish I were one of those people who seems to attract others - I've never been the sort of person that others gravitate towards. I smile, am friendly, try to keep the conversation light and upbeat - I can only conclude I'm not a 'natural' at this sort of thing.

YANBU.

People seem keen to be my friend and I think the reason is pretty simple -I show an interest in their lives. I remember names and faces easily so that is the first hurdle out of the way and if someone mentions something I will always make an effort to ask them about it at a later stage. I think that makes people feel appreciated.
Funnily enough I'm not a particularly smiley person at all - I have serious bitchy resting face and no one ever sits next to me on the bus - but that doesn't seem to be a problem.

I tried really really hard to make new friends last year. I'm quite a difficult person, very shy, socially anxious and I have big trust issues so it took a lot for me to reach out to people.
All I got was initially making conversation with me, me being super happy I had someone to talk to and get along with and then suddenly out of nowhere they'd start ignoring me. I tried a couple of times to get back in touch without coming across as a stalker iykwim but nope, nothing. I don't know where I went wrong tbh, it was friendly pretty interesting conversation and was flowing well then suddenly they cut it off . It happened with three people and I just said "enough is enough, I can't take anymore blows to my self esteem and confidence." So haven't bothered since.

I have two old friends. It takes me a long time to build up trust and my best friend is the only one I truly trust (been best friends since we were ten.) the other friend I started to get close to at the beginning of this year actually (been friends for four years but known of each other since secondary school) she'd come round for film nights and we went to the cinema, on a night out, even spontaneous coffee one day. It was lovely. Then she met a new man and has forgotten about me. I've tried to reinstate contact but she's very closed off if she bothers responding at all and the one time I've seen her since they started dating in April (about three weeks ago) he was all she talked about.

My trust issues come from childhood abuse and also when I was 15 I had a breakdown and every single one of my friends except my best friend ditched me. I tried CBT a couple of years ago to overcome my social anxiety but I didn't find it helpful at all.

So it's hardly like I haven't tried, people just often make me feel worse than better but I also get lonely so swings and roundabouts. I obviously just have a shit personality! I don't know. It's weird with me because a lot of people seem to be initially attracted to who I am, a lot of strangers feel able to tell me their secrets and I've always been that person people tell their most private thoughts to iykwim so there must be something about me in that sense. I just can't maintain friendships but not sure why.

It does sound like something is going wrong pukkabo. It could be that you've been very unlucky to pick a few wrong'uns or that you're attracted to shitty people. It could also be that you're not picking up some subtle signals that others are giving out and that you're overstepping some boundary without realising it. IME it takes quite a long time of getting to know each other on a superficial level before it's possible to progress to a deeper friendship. It's great that you have a wonderful best friend - if you were up to it would you consider asking her where she thinks you might be going wrong? Would she be honest with you?

There's a woman I know through playgroup who really struggles to make friends and it's basically because she fails to make eye contact and doesn't ask any questions about the other person. She thinks she's keeping up the conversation by talking about herself but really she's just monologuing while the other person switches off.

I don't have many friends really but I'd never blame others. The fact is I lack confidence, that's the main thing. I really struggle socially due to various issues (specialists haven't yet decided between OCD and Aspergers) and my physical health problems mean I have to be very careful how much I do in terms of going out etc.

I just got back from a play date though and I'm feeling very happy. :) It was me that suggested meeting up (our boys are in the same class next year) but she invited me to hers. Really proud I made the first move so to speak (at end of term) because during summer I wouldn't have seen them to exchange numbers.

I think the loneliest people are often those who are too obsessed with their own needs to consider the effect they have on others. I've had a lot of problems with people who are overly needy and usually end up avoiding them, worse are the socially dim witted ones who repeatedly over step boundaries and cause offence or distress. People like that will always have problems.

In saying that, I've lived in several countries and generally find it easy to get along with new people. There was one place I lived where the only friend I had was a work colleague, I couldn't gel with the people at all. I do think that where you live, personal circumstances and the options you have can seriously limit your ability to make friends. It can be hard if you're surrounded by people you've nothing in common with or who don't see you as being like them.

I know to a lot (dare I say most? Not sure) of people the above play date wouldn't be a remotely big deal - just inviting someone round etc. I guess that's the reason why threads like this sometimes to a bit sour - if something comes really easily to you, it can be very frustrating and hard to understand when somebody struggles with it. For example I find it incomprehensible when people can't do maths :o

I used to be really jealous of all these big groups and their ease of friendship, the casual play dates/mutual babysitting etc but I've come to accept that just isn't me. I actually got invited along to a pub garden meet up (with DCs) recently and I was definitely on the outskirts, there were lots of stories about group nights out etc. As little as a year ago I think I would've gone home feeling like shit, but this time actually I just enjoyed the stories - while reminding myself that I wouldn't have actually enjoyed being on them (don't do clubs etc, too crowded, and don't really like alcohol) - and actually just being glad my friend (I only really know one of the group) invited me :)

Cailin, you asked earlier why I didn't feel comfortable sharing my past, haven't replied earlier as just got in from work.

Can you imagine the scenario, sat in pub garden etc being interested in the people around me and everything else you suggest. Then people ask how I came to be here, on my own, in an area where I know nobody within a 30 mile radius at all.

What do I reply? Well then lets see, my partner was a raging alcohol who anally raped me on a regular basis, burned me with the iron, slept with prostitutes then locked me out of the flat in my pjs in the rain because I bought he wrong type of cigarettes. But hey now I've been escaped that life and all is well - who'd like another pint?

People would see me differently. I don't want to be that person any more because I'm not, but I'm aware I would always be regarded slightly differently.

I think that you are a bit right and a bit wrong. If I start in and don't make the effort, I don't have friends. But the sort of person who I tend to get I with best as friends are the prickly introverts you mention, and it generally takes a minimum of 2 years or a terrible crisis to befriend them, so a lot of legwork is involved in the getting to know you stages and I could qui te easily spend years with acquaintances but not friends.

I totally empathise with the poster who was pleased with her successful play date. Even the smallest social success makes me euphoric. The three good friends I have were acquired 20 years ago, back in the days when socialising came naturally to me. I simply think I've lost the knack. And of course once that's happened, the harder you try the worse it gets. Which is why I've made a point of no longer trying.

I should add that I also take an interest in other people's lives, but have come to the conclusion that I must be quite boring as no one seems to be interested in mine! I don't have children, i think this hinders me sometimes, some people think you're genuinely weird if you don't have children, and also it's one less thing I have in common with most women.

Spartak, I can see where you're coming from and I get your reluctance but I don't see why it would be necessary to tell them any of that. You could just say "I had a really bad break up and I moved here to get a new start." Over time it would be really great if you became close enough to someone to tell them the whole story but no one would ever blame you for not telling people you don't know well about what happened. Everyone has difficult stuff in their past that they keep to themselves, there's nothing unusual about that.

In what way do you think people would see you differently?

Euphoric is a good word Milly!

One other thing that is relevant is that this was actually a grandma not a mum that I arranged this play date with as she does most of the childcare (I've not met the mum) - I always seem to get on better with people older than me, I really struggle with people my own age, have done since my teens. Seems to be quite common in people who lack confidence.

Cailin, I don't want to be seen as some kind of victim. My previous circumstances stole the best years of my life and is the reason I won't have kids because now I am in a place where I would be able to trust someone, I am now too old. I don't want people's pity though.

It also means that I have little in common with a people - most around here are family orientated and their social lives revolve around that understandably. It means I don't naturally fit in with those around me. For example ethere was a family bbq type thing that people at work all went to - single woman my age with lots of married people and children doesn't really mix!