to think if you want friends you have to go out and make friends?

[cailindana]

I've moved around a lot and generally succeed in making a few good friends wherever I go. It's not through luck or my sparkling wit and personality that this happens, it's because I take every opportunity to talk to new people, I invite people to my house, I let people know I would like a new friend and I work hard at it.

AIBU to think there's no point in complaining that you have no friends if you're not actually going to do the (sometimes considerable) legwork it takes to make a new friend?

Also, we can't all be the organisers. My DH is great company but won't initiate a gathering. But put him in one and he's usually holding court many times.

It just doesn't occur to him to arrange things. I'm the opposite.

London, I honestly don't really get the introvert/extrovert thing as it suggests that you are either all one thing or another. In my experience everyone is a mixture of things - loud in some situations, quiet in others, confident at times, very shy at others. Absolutely no one is without insecurities. In fact the people I know who most closely fit the "extrovert" stereotype have the most insecurities and struggle the most with close, genuine friendship.

I get on easily & well with people I meet at work & through hobbies. Making proper new friends that I really want to spend leisure time with I find difficult, however. The last time I made a new friend she tried to relieve me of my husband

I think though London if you're "not an organiser" then you can't really complain if your social life isn't great. I enjoy organising things but I love it when others organise something instead of me. And if I constantly invite someone and they never invite me to anything I eventually get pissed off and stop bothering.

MrsWinnibago my experience of inviting people to my home is that it's you and not your home, that is what counts. My friends' apart from 1, all live in absolutely gorgeous big houses in lovely areas. I live in a 1 bed HA flat that could do with a re-furb. I don't feel as if my friends look down on me and I certainly would never a) try to compete or b) feel I'm somehow inferior for living where I do. I make people welcome, bake nice treats, we support each other and have a good laugh, and where I live or where they live, doesn't matter.

It certainly helps if you have an outgoing or confident personality but it's not everything when it comes to making/keeping friends. If you have anxiety, social phobias or are shy or not very confident it can be very difficult indeed to get yourself out there.

I didn't have the confidence when I was younger to risk making the first move and initiate anything, but as I've got older, I am more prepared to give it a go and risk possible rejection. I've got more friends these days (I'm 53) then I've had before. It's not a matter of choice for some people though because there are huge road blocks in the way that prevent them from being able to deal with social interaction. It must be really frustrating and hard.

I'm mid 30s, childless and single. I was in a shitty abusive relationship in a job I hated being bullied at work. One day I woke up to myself, quit my job and moved 100 miles away, worked my arse off to save money and more qualifications at night school.

Went back to uni, retrained in a health care related profession and then moved a further 100 miles away when my dream job came up. I have a nice little house, in somewhere that I am happy to live. Its all mine, and I've got here through sheer hard work and a fair dose of good luck.

I don't want to have to explain how I came to be here to new people I meet. People are curious as to why I am somewhere that I have no obvious link to on my own - I don't want to be the girl who escaped her crappy life, I just want to be one of the crowd. But there is no way to get there without explaining myself first.

I also struggle to empathise with other people's normal social and living situations at times, moaning about the little normal annoyances of children and partners because I just can't imagine how that feels - however much I might want it, its not going to happen.

I don't know if that makes sense, I'm rambling a little bit!

I am an organiser.

Oh, yes.

But. But - having moved in my 40s, most people, though lovely, have long-established friendships. It's not easy to break in when you're working all day alone and so on. I felt very sad and missed my many friends, who I'd known for decades, having shared DCs' early years, workplace friendships, local friends from my old town etc.

It was really hard initially until I realised I could easily get back there on the train!

I'm cultivating a few friendships but it's not a easy when you're older. It can be done. But it's not the same as having old friends close by. I miss them. But I'm happy to meet new people and I hope to find some kindred spirits.

Without friends, life can be very lonely. It can erode your confidence, too, so don't be too hard on people.

to think if you want friends you have to go out and make friends?

Bollocks!

I'm generally friendly and sociable and 'put myself out there'.

Over the years, I've made friends, but frequently found myself in situations where the groups of friends I've made, I've not felt like I've fitted in completely and when all is said and done I could take them or leave them. Most of the time its been down to not having much in common.

I don't believe in just going out and making friends for the sake of making friends. Its not worth it long term. I've found actively 'trying to make friends' a waste of time, and I spent a good many years thinking "what's wrong with me?" as a result of trying hard. I totally agree you can't force it, and I'm much happier for it.

Ironically, just getting on and doing my own thing seems to have worked better for me. People who you just randomly meet rather than make 'the effort' with. If you click you click, if you don't you don't.

Its not the number of friends you have but the quality, in my book. I'd rather have a few long distance friends, I see/talk to occasionally rather feeling I must go out and make loads of friends locally just so I don't 'get lonely'. I prefer to maintain the good friends I have ultimately.

Cailin, could you share the introvert thing your friend's girlfriend shared? And could you explain how she's rude? Not getting at you, just curious.

I'm with you re others not making any effort though! It pisses me off.

But tbh, like my DH, they simply aren't bothered. Fair play to them. It used to hurt me when some friends seemed disinterested, but after a while, I decided to invest energy in people who were prepared to give something back.

YY Red

Well some of us don't trust easy or like every Tom dick and Harry knowing our business.

I know someone who has befriended the whole fucking town but can count of one hand how many people actually like her. Yeah she done the inviting of people to her house etc. lovely to your face but gossips like an old fishwife.

Give, it's like having 800 Facebook 'friends'... Quality not quantity all the way.

if there are actual physical barriers to you getting out and making friends then that is a problem. Again, that's not anyone else's fault (or your own).
That is so dismissive. Disability is not all physical barriers. Being hearing impaired, visually impaired, having a severely autistic child, caring for a relative with Alzheimers - they are all enormous barriers that make finding and maintaining friendships more difficult.

I'm very conscious that a few of my friends can't so I'm quite happy to just hang out at their houses.
It's not a red herring though. If your social circle (playground mums), regularly all eat out together, then fine you can invite them over (2 at a time because you only have 1 sofa) and they might be happy to (sometimes), but you would miss and be excluded from so many of their activities, that you could never really be part of the group.

Not knowing what to say is pretty easily solved, just have a few stock phrases to get the conversation started then go from there.
That is so insulting. No really it is.
How do you "go from there" when you have used your stock phrases and the conversation has gone dry?

I do understand your point, that sometimes people complain but are not prepared to do anything to help themselves, and sometimes, people could do more than they do, but your post shows a TOTAL lack of understanding of real problems faced by people, that don't have the simple and extremely patronising solutions that you suggest.

if there are actual physical barriers to you getting out and making friends then that is a problem. Again, that's not anyone else's fault (or your own).
That is so dismissive. Disability is not all physical barriers. Being hearing impaired, visually impaired, having a severely autistic child, caring for a relative with Alzheimers - they are all enormous barriers that make finding and maintaining friendships more difficult.

Not only that, but I've met a number of my best friends through the internet, so I don't see how getting out physically really makes a huge difference....

Not knowing what to say is pretty easily solved, just have a few stock phrases to get the conversation started then go from there.
That is so insulting. No really it is.
How do you "go from there" when you have used your stock phrases and the conversation has gone dry?

Isn't it just. Stock phrases mean you treat making friends like someone on the end of a telesales call. If you can't talk to someone spontaneously what IS the fucking point? Unless you are just making 'facebook friends'...

Totally agree. I moved to a new area pregnant and with a toddler. I went to every local toddler group cruising for friends sort of like being single and going to clubs. If I saw a woman I liked the look of with dc the same age I would chat her up and if we got on we would swap numbers. A few knock backs but after a month I had 4 great friends 7 years later still a great group of friends and have picked up more along the way dhs made friends too holiday together too etc

Pandarific I won't post a link to it as it's quite "outing" but it basically says things lists the characteristics of introverts. There's stuff like "we need recharge alone" and "we don't mind silence" which is fair enough, but there are others that really annoy me, like "we aren't judging you" and "we can get very wrapped up in our own thoughts" and "we don't like hanging around." These to me just read as excuses to be rude, uncommunicative and inconsiderate, under the guise of being a poor little introvert who needs solitude. Fine, go and have your solitude, but don't expect other people to put up with you ignoring them or walking off when they think you're waiting for them. I'm not surprised she posted it though, she fits the bill very well - totally self-absorbed but expects everyone to forgive her for being a delicate little flower.

Not knowing what to say is pretty easily solved, just have a few stock phrases to get the conversation started then go from there.
That is so insulting. No really it is.
How do you "go from there" when you have used your stock phrases and the conversation has gone dry?

Isn't it just. Stock phrases mean you treat making friends like someone on the end of a telesales call. If you can't talk to someone spontaneously what IS the fucking point? Unless you are just making 'facebook friends'...

I think you've misunderstood RedToothBrush, what I'm saying is you have a few stock phrases to start a conversation with a new person and then if you click and the conversation takes off then you go from there. I'm obviously not saying you have a set scripted conversation with them every time you see them, that would be absolutely bonkers.
Developing a conversation means listening closely to the other person and building on what they say. So if you say "do you have any children" and they reply "yes, two," you then go on and say "boys or girls, what ages," mention your own children etc etc.

^Well some of us don't trust easy or like every Tom dick and Harry knowing our business.

I know someone who has befriended the whole fucking town but can count of one hand how many people actually like her. Yeah she done the inviting of people to her house etc. lovely to your face but gossips like an old fishwife.^

Sorry GiveTwoSheets I don't really understand the relevance of your post. I never said anything about everyone knowing your business. If you don't want friends, then there's no problem is there? You just don't bother with them. I'm not sure why you mentioned the person who isn't very nice.

Spartak, I'm genuinely curious as to why you don't want people to know your story. Do you think they will judge you for it?
Being "one of the crowd" doesn't really happen in my experience. You have to put yourself out there and get to know people before you'll be accepted, and part of that is being open to some extent about yourself. You don't have to spill your guts but if you are very secretive then that puts people off as they feel shut out.

I mostly agree with you, Cailin, as someone who has also moved around a lot on different continents, and whose close friends, as a result, are scattered between São Paulo and Switzerland.

I'm a writer with a small child living in rural England (am not originally from the UK) and despite all my efforts, I find myself lonely where I am. It's no one's fault. I have joined things, gone to toddler groups, accepted all invitations, issued invitations etc, but the fact is that I am not a good fit with the people I have met in this village and its surroundings.

They are mostly SAHMs of small children, whose families have lived in the vicinity for generations and who have no plans to leave, and theyhave been very nice, but clearly regard me as rather an odd creature - foreigner, writer, no ties to the village, renting, will probably move on in time, no fund of village gossip, only one child, strange interests, etc etc. I've never got past the initial chit chat stage with anyone, in over a year and a half.

But, as I say, it's no one's fault. I've tried, and people have been welcoming, we just speak different languages, and I am viewed as liable to move on in the near future, so my child won't in fact be in little X's visas at the village school, so I'm nit quite 'real' in the way other people here are.

Little X's CLASS at the village school, not 'visas'!

That sounds really hard Talcum.

I find the fact that I'm "foreign" is actually a bonus for me as I appear more interesting than I actually am. Villages are usually much harder to crack though I agree.

I would like to be able to do what the OP did but I would find it very hard. I'd be plagued by the worry that people would think it was weird or pushy to be making the first move like that, although in actual fact it would probably be fine. The closest friend I've had was someone I met at an evening class and I wasn't expecting or trying to make a friend at all. We both got into the habit of going into the college snack bar before that class and we just clicked - within a couple of weeks we were bringing old photos to show each other and going to the theatre together. It's never that easy when I'm trying to make friends.

YABU.

I've lived in 4 countries, worked in a number of different jobs, and moved cities a number of times within those countries. I pretty much do the same thing everywhere I am in terms of trying to make friends, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Some situations I've been in I've made lots of really close friends, some I've felt lonely and been unable to make any, and some I've been somewhere in between. I'm not doing anything differently each time, it's just that sometimes you met people that you click with who are open to making friends, and sometimes you don't. I know first hand that things can swing either way depending on the people that you meet, your life stage, and so many other variables.

I agree that the success rate in making friends can vary hugely Cabbage. But that doesn't negate the fact that unless you actually try to make friends it is never going to happen.

Yup
YABU

I have been places where I have had loads of friends and places where I have had very few. I have had friends since I was a few weeks old and friends I met before I went school, I have been places where I have had not one single friend

I am still the same person though

(and still happy to have more friends )