to think if you want friends you have to go out and make friends?

[cailindana]

I've moved around a lot and generally succeed in making a few good friends wherever I go. It's not through luck or my sparkling wit and personality that this happens, it's because I take every opportunity to talk to new people, I invite people to my house, I let people know I would like a new friend and I work hard at it.

AIBU to think there's no point in complaining that you have no friends if you're not actually going to do the (sometimes considerable) legwork it takes to make a new friend?

Yes I tried. The response I got to the news that my fiance was life limited due to stage 4 was enjoy every moment. Obviously I cant do that when hes in pain...

Its gutting when you have spent hours listening to someone else's problems to be deserted when you just need an ear.

Wow that is shit Ludoole. Clearly they are rubbish friends. What's the situation with your fiance at the moment?

I wouldn't mind a couple of new friends.

It doesn't happen.

In my area at the school gates friendships seem to be made years ago before I moved here and I don't get a look in.

I also lack confidence, I can talk to anyone and no one would ever think I lack confidence to talk to me, but I fear rejection and freeze at the idea of asking someone for a coffee. I can chat but I can't take it to the next stage.

I am generally well liked when I meet people but no one asks to take it further and neither do I. I am a fantastic acquaintance it seems but not much else

We're getting through thanks

Everyone fears rejection though U2. If you didn't fear rejection then clearly you wouldn't care and then there'd be no point in the friendship. It's really worth overcoming the fear and taking the next step with someone you click with.

Glad to hear it Ludoole. Do you have any RL support?

cailin, saying 'it's hard for everybody' isn't helpful - even if it is, it is a lot harder for people who have issues with anxiety, confidence issues etc. And just because one person with depression can be sociable does not mean that any others can.

However, in general I agree. I have very bad anxiety problems, but I know that it is my responsibility to be sociable if I want people to talk to me.

I have loads of confidence, I can happily walk into a situation where I know very few people and I will make conversation, exchange plesantries. But..... Just because I can do this doesn't mean I'm able to make friends. I trust very few people so although I can make acquaintances I find it difficult to make friends as I always keep people at arms length.

Heathcliff - at least you know what it is that's stopping you and you don't blame others. What hacks me off is the whole "no one talks to me" thing. If you sit there with a face like a slapped arse of course no one is going to talk to you, you have to at least indicate that you're interested!

cailin, some people fear rejection like it is a hungry tiger. Just because you can get past this fear does not make it okay to berate others who can't manage to.

I'm not berating people for having the fear, I'm annoyed at the blaming others thing badtime. If you have intense fear of rejection, that is really hard, but it's not up to others to overcome that for you, it's up to you to do something about it. It's fair enough to say "I'd love to have friends but I have a terrible fear of rejection and that stops me interacting with people," it's quite another to say "why oh why won't anyone be my friend?" when the person clearly makes absolutely no effort to make friends!

No but had some lovely support on my threads on here.

For some people, though, it isn't 'worth overcoming the fear'. These people don't need to be told that they should get out more; they need some sort of therapy, either to reduce their social anxiety or to accept that it is their choice to be asocial (and society does treat asocial people very badly).

As it happens, this isn't my problem, and I fully accept my responsibility in this regard.

I was actually just thinking this afternoon how difficult it is to make new friends once you are in your 30s and older. And note I am talking about friends - not people you might say hello to or chat when you bump into them.

The way I see it is that people usually become friends when both people feel they need a new friend. So it's easy to make new friends at school, university, when your first start working - because everyone around you is still at that stage when they need new friends - the more the merrier.

Many women also make new friends when they first have a baby - because there are other women who are desperate to make contact with someone dealing with the same issues.

But later it's much harder. Because many nice people you may meet are not necessarily looking for new friends, and are busy with work.

I am a lone parent and have found this to be particularly true. For complicated reasons I no longer live in the same place as the friends I had when I was in my 20s - these were friends from uni and work.

I did make some new friends when dd was born, but most of these people have moved away (because the people who wanted to become friends with me were not originally from London either).

I am friendly with a couple of school gate mums and we have met up with the kids but it's not the kind of friendship where I could ring them up to meet up for a drink.

As an example of what I mean, there's a woman who comes to playgroup and has done for the last 4 years. She is from another country (as am I) and says she feels lonely, finds it hard to make friends etc. Throughout her time at playgroup I and other people have invited her out numerous times - sometimes she comes, sometimes she doesn't, that's fine. But she never ever initiates any contact and never invites anyone out of her own accord. Now apparently she is complaining again that people "aren't friendly." As I see it, it is not my job or anyone else's job to provide her with a social life. We have invited her out and made it clear that we like her, so now it's her turn to reciprocate.

Not everyone CAN just get out and make friends.
There are loads of factors that get in the way.

Disability is a huge barrier. Caring for someone at home may mean that you can't get out much or can't invite people home. Having a disability may make getting out to places where people socialise, incredibly difficult. Having a children with a behavioural problem can turn you into a social leper. And if your disability affects your ability to communicate, then you really are cut off from the world around you.

Money can be a big problem, if the group you start chatting to at school, invite you out for meals that they regularly enjoy, but your budget can't stretch to that. Inviting them round for a cheap bottle of wine as an alternative, just won't keep you included.

I think you underestimate, just how difficult it is when you really don't know what to say to people. Trying harder when you don't even know where to start, just doesn't work.

Such an unhelpful thread to start - you just want to let everyone know that because you can do something, anyone who can't, must be entirely responsible for it themselves and obviously not trying hard enough.

I think OP is right in a few ways, Sometimes it isn't easy and sometimes people do lack in confidence or things to be able to but I think you need to go out and do things you enjoy to be able to meet like minded people. I also think too many people expect to make friends at NCT or baby groups when the only thing you have in common is having a baby. We harp on about the kids spending all their time on social media and not interacting with others but do they see you with friends interacting?

Most - if there are actual physical barriers to you getting out and making friends then that is a problem. Again, that's not anyone else's fault (or your own). The thing about money is a total red herring - unless you actually invite people you have no idea whether they would come around for a cheap bottle of wine or not. Assuming they won't want to gets you nowhere. I can afford meals but I'm very conscious that a few of my friends can't so I'm quite happy to just hang out at their houses.
Not knowing what to say is pretty easily solved, just have a few stock phrases to get the conversation started then go from there.

I have spent most of my life tying to get over my fear of rejection.. not really happening.

Daddy issues, I have them ;)

Cailin, I'm surprised you're saying this, as I find your posts on the whole very empathetic.

Yabu.

Not everyone feels confident enough to approach others. We can't all be extroverts. My last home was tiny and we were too broke to have it changed or the manky bathroom fixed. It was a real pain having people over as it wasn't comfortable tbh. It really wasn't fun. Luckily for me, there were loads of parks to visit with friends and DC. And friends who had nicer, larger homes.

Now, I'm in a lovely larger home etc, but have relocated and knew no one. I am not shy but I'm very slowly making friends - ones I hope will last. I don't think you can force things. You can make an effort but too full-on is needy to some.

I really think friendships are organic things. Also, time and money is a factor. It absolutely is.

Well good for you OP.

Some of us come from circumstances where we don't feel comfortable just putting ourselves out there. I'd love to have more friends locally but its just not going to happen.

I don't consider myself an extrovert at all. I don't even know what an extrovert is, I don't think I've ever met one. All I've met is people who all have their insecurities.

I empathise with people having fears etc. What I dislike is the whole "I wish people would give me friendship on a plate" attitude.

I think we all know the difference between an extrovert and an introvert.

Disingenuous, much?

U2 what about volunteering somewhere you have a mild interest in? a friend of mine (who actually became a friend of mine this way) became a volunteer for RDA - Riding for the disabled, Skint single mum, couldn't afford a horse of her own, not much spare time but meeting people into horses in the way she was.

She got on with my friends who invited her up to our yard for a shot on one of our horses and now 3 years later her DS isn't much interested but both her DDs do a bit work on our yard for riding lessons in return and shes got friends including me who are into the same things as her but we go out for drinks and babysit each others kids etc.

Would it be ok to ask you why Spartak?