to think if you want friends you have to go out and make friends?

[cailindana]

I've moved around a lot and generally succeed in making a few good friends wherever I go. It's not through luck or my sparkling wit and personality that this happens, it's because I take every opportunity to talk to new people, I invite people to my house, I let people know I would like a new friend and I work hard at it.

AIBU to think there's no point in complaining that you have no friends if you're not actually going to do the (sometimes considerable) legwork it takes to make a new friend?

I don't have any friends and tbh the more I read about other peoples friends on here I'm very glad I don't! It's far to complicated if you ask me. For instance...
You have parties....Your friends don't come as they've had a better offer
You get Wendied!
The people you thought were good friends go out regulary.. without you!
Then post what a wonderful time they had on facebook for you to see.
They bitch about you
they demand a lot of your time but when you need them they are "busy"
They expect you to look after their kids/plants/dogs but woe betide you if you need the same help.

I'll think I will stick with chats at the school gates and pick ups from our house/their house when my/their children play together.

Spartak That was very brave of you to post that.

Easy to be brave hidden behind my laptop. I'm not so good at it in real life!

cailindana, that's great that you do all of this wonderful 'work' to make your friends, but for some people this comes easier than others. Frankly, your smug and self righteous post on the subject only serves to make other people who feel a little less adequate on the subject feel more crap.

I also find it easier to get on with older people, i find they are more kind. But I've decided that it doesn't actually matter if I have older friends. And it's interesting that another poster has commented that not having children can make it harder to fit it. I'm married, but have never had children.

I have moved to a new area and spent the last almost three years doing EVERYTHING I can to make friends. I'm outgoing and have good social skills so you'd think - easy!
To be honest it's been a pretty depressing experience - what I've discovered is that women are very cliquey and it's so hard to break in without treading on anyone's toes.
I've also found just constantly being on the periphery of older friendship groups makes you often left out or over looked - this can be hard.
At the minute I'm actually holding my hands up and have given up - I know a few lovely people and hopefully deeper friendships will grow with time.
I don't think you should assume that it's easy for everyone to make friends - it's the hardest thing I've had to do.

Cailin, if I were you I would be thankful I have such brilliant friends. You are lucky.

Other people may not have encountered as many open people as you, or they might have different definitions of 'friends'. Some pei

*people count acquaintances as friends.

I struggle to make friends as most people can sense there is something wrong with me. I consider myself subhuman. There is no reason to expect others to have a higher opinion than I have myself. I just don't fit in and am not like everyone else. My family died when I was young, but I was always different.I am now middle aged, poor with no family and nothing to offer anyone. I remember when I was about 10 getting books out of the adult library on psychology to try and understand why no-one liked me. I wasn't physically bullied at school but everyone called me horse face which at the time I took as a compliment as I like horses. Most playtime I sat alone and cried. I was unwanted and didn't get any love or affection at home. Other than being sexually abused. All humans were bad news. Children my own age considered me a freak, adults didn't want me about either.Funnily enough now, on a superficial level and at work, I generally get on very well with people. It's a learned behaviour that took practice. Knowing how to smile etc. No one would want to be friends with me through.

I have very few friends. In general, I just don't know how to bond with people. I rarely have face to face friends, but I do have online friends. I have good online friends and I am a good listener. If most people at work were to describe me it would be as a kind, good person. However I have found workplace bullies do tend to home in on me. I frustrate them I think as I am not easily cowed and won't give in to them for an easy life.

So no, not everyone can have friends OP. I can put myself out there as much as I like. But I will always be different. People may like me and enjoy speaking to me, but instinctively people know there is something wrong and it will not lead to friendship unless they are desperate. Life has nothing to offer me. I work in a job I hate (and will never be able to afford to finish my degree in an area I love), I am depressed, I am poor, old and ugly.why would anyone want me as a friend?

Naughty, that's so sad that you say those things about yourself.

You sound insightful, caring, intelligent, genuine, interesting and I bet you're lovely.

I'd like to have a friend with those qualities.

And, I'm sorry for what you've been through. As am aside, have you had any help dealing with all of that ?

*an

Darn phone !!

Naughty, most people are different, probably just as well or life would be very dull. Perhaps your understandable mistrust in people is creating a barrier. Are you afraid of getting close to people? Sorry you feel so awful, but you sound like you have a lot to offer. Things do chamge over time, perhaps your time hasn't come yet?

Funny I was just musing before I found this thread, seeing an old photo of me with a group. Most of the women I couldn't get on with, i always end up socialising with men or older people, or lesbians which is also weird because I am very straight. I think its because there is a certain deception that is expected in women, the makeup and smiles, the over cautiousness, the deference. I can't cope with it, goes against my nature. Men and old people don't do this so I spend time with them, and a very good old female friend.

Not all women are like that, Unreal...

This thread has really given me some food for thought - and I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to stick with quality as opposed to quantity when it comes to friends.

There's girl who works in my building, we have lunch occasionally. She won't come into my office and call for me on the way downstairs even though she passes my office door, and I've occasionally had a suspicion that she doesn't want my colleagues to know we have lunch. A few days ago she had to come to my office to deliver some files, and barely made eye contact with me.

Yet today, she breezed into my office, calling for one of my colleagues on the way down to the refectory, as they were having lunch together. So clearly she's OK to be 'seen' lunching with my colleague, but not with me .....

Twelve months ago this would have upset me, but I'm now of the mindset that if someone is complicated, seemingly duplicitous and possibly ashamed of being seen with me - well, they can take a hike. Who needs people like that in their lives?

Naughty, people would want you as a friend because clearly you're an articulate person with a difficult past, which in my experience usually makes someone very insightful and interesting. A few of my friends are or have been depressed, many of them were bullied, a few of them are poor (one is currently homeless) and a couple are much older than I am. None of those things really has any bearing on our friendship. I'm not friends with people based on how "perfect" they are, I am friends with people because I enjoy talking to them, or they are kind and we get on with each other, or because they make me laugh or whatever. What they look like is totally irrelevant.

Spartak, I honestly wouldn't pity you. I think if I met someone with your background I would be pleased to meet someone who might understand how I feel, as I have been badly abused (as a child) and have had to reinvent myself to a certain extent. Anyone who would pity you and see you as a victim wouldn't really be worth knowing, but there would be plenty of others who would relate to you, acknowledge your story and then just get to know you. Awful as it is, your experience isn't unique by any means unfortunately.
I do get how difficult it can be to trust people and if you feel the need to protect yourself by not taking that leap I understand it. But if you could get yourself to place where you could learn to connect with people again I think that would add a great deal to the immense hard work you have already done in rebuilding your life.

Olbas I agree friendship can be complicated and a pain in the arse at times - I'm having some major friendship headaches at the moment. But that's all part and parcel of it and it's a case of taking the rough with the smooth IMO.

I agree I'm very lucky to have the friends I have London.

Callin this is a great thread, thank you for sharing your experience, you are clearly doing it out of a sense of goodwill, I hope I can learn from your experience.

I think my problem is that I don't read the subtext in social situations, I have learned to observe more and read between the lines a bit more. I put it down to growing up in a very masculine home, and a mother with a very direct approach.

"What annoys me is people complaining (on here and in real life) that "no one talk to me" and "everyone is so cliquey." It's the expectation that other people will hand friendship to them on a plate without them putting in any effort."

Some groups of people are more cliquey than others. Before we moved house I used to take DD to a local toddler group. I never really hit it off with the other parents there, and it wasn't as if I didn't try. We moved to another village and went to a different group and I made friends straight away. DD is now 14 and I still see these friends.

I don't find it easy to make friends.
I prefer my own space, and get bored of people quite easily.
Is anyone else like this, or am I odd?!

I'm sure there are plenty of people like that Bunster. There's nothing wrong with not particularly wanting to have friends, in that case making friends isn't really an issue as you're not bothered about it.

Glad you've found it helpful unreal.

Bunbaker - I think the term "clique" is really loaded. Plenty of places have groups that are established and that don't really want any more members. There's nothing particularly wrong or bad about that - no group is required to allow new people in if they don't want it. The term "clique" implies that those groups are deliberately excluding people when that's rarely the case IME. It can be hard to break into a group, especially if it's a long-standing one, but that's to be expected really given how social dynamics work.