to be upset at grandparents stealing my thunder??

[MrsDowneyJunior]

Very long story short I barely see my DD and when I do I'm very restricted in what I can do with her. My parents see her far more and have way more freedom, but they still don't see her a lot and are still restricted to a degree.

I have unusually managed to wangle a few extra hours this week to take her to the cinema, a day in 2 weeks to take her to Chessington, and Christmas Eve taking her to Lapland UK. I have just found out that yesterday they took her to the cinema, today they've taken her to Chessington and 3 days before I take her to Lapland UK they've booked a trip to the REAL Lapland.

These 3 events for me are the first time in 2 years I've been able to take her to the cinema, a theme park and Santa and they've bulldozed it! She's not going to think me taking her to the cinema 3 days after they took her is anything special, she was so excited about her first time to Chessington in 2 weeks and they've just crapped on that today taking her by surprise now and Lapland??? How the hell can I take her to Lapland UK when 3 days earlier she's been on an airplane to the real Santa and real snow etc etc?? She'll be questioning everything I've told her about Santa, she'll remember their trip and will be comparing the two the whole time and a precious and rare special memory with her mother is destroyed for one with bloody grandparents! I'm her mother, not them! I'm more important in DD's life and should have the big days, not them and as it's such a rarity it's really pissed me off and I'm about to blow at them. If I had her 24/7 and these events were nothing special and we did it all the time then fine, but not when these things are so rare and special for us, and Lapland I would always be pissed off at though regardless of how much time I have with her. I put so much effort into creating the magic of Christmas for DD and building up this magical story and explaining how it all works and who the "real" Santa is and every sodding year my mother jumps in with some crap that undoes everything I've told her or planned or done with her. Really fed up of it. Had a mini rant at her just now and told her she WILL NOT do this with the new baby. Seeing her for dinner tonight & I just know there's going to be a battle with this and I don'tt need it but why can't she see how this undermines me and pisses on my parade? Or AIBU to feel like that?

In that case then your parents are being awful and totally unreasonable.

How old is your dd? I know my DS tends to enjoy places much more the second time he visits them, as he is not so overwhelmed. And he knows where all the best bits are! He is a sensitive wee soul though.

I hope you can sort this out.

OP - please, are social services involved? God, I am not accusing you of anything, just that they must have been able to ascertain that what your ex is doing is a pack of lies? Your lovely DD must also have had something to say to them? They are trained to get to the bottom of stuff like this.

She'll love it all, and will be extremely unlikely to bother about who was first to take her where.

Stop focusing on beating other adults, and focus on the relationship you have with your daughter.

I don't understand how exH can get such stringent restrictions put on the OP; no swimming, no picnics?
Wasn't Lapland UK the shit hole in a field that got a lot of negative publicity? Was basically mud, a bit of fake snow and a couple of sad reindeer, best avoided I think.
The pantomime suggestion (or theatre) would be good for Christmas. How about Lergoland or similar for a day out?

YANBU. This sounds a horrendously stressful and pressured situation for you in many ways and I can well understand you must be extremely disappointed and feeling very marginalised.

It's all very well to say 'be glad your daughter gets to do lovely things' but you still have those feelings to deal with, and they're valid ones.

I am imagining that the OP maybe has a disability or maybe mobility issues that rule out a lot of activities, hence being "restricted"

The grandparents sound a bit undermine-y

Going on the limited information then yes, they seem like arseholes for one upping you. They knew your plans then decided to do the same but even better? of course that is mean and cruel.

This sounds like a very sad and fraught situation. MrsD remember that you are the only one who can give your DD a day out with Mum. You mean more than any film or theme park to your DD: it is you that is the attraction for your DD not the place you are going.

Don't let the stupidity of other adults cast a pall over your time with your DD. If you build up these days too much in your expectation then you won't enjoy them because anything less than perfection will be a disappointment.

Read only the first page, but the digging for gossip further information is transparent. OP has stated that the reason for limited contact is irrelevant, and it is. It's not fair to withold support because you're a nosy fucker you don't know the ins and outs of her life. She has contact. It's limited. That's all you need to know.

YANBU, OP. If you're clearly indicating your plans and constantly being trumped that's out of order and quite sad.

MrsDowneyJr - it sounds like your parents are being horrible! As another poster said, it is dreadfully sad if there is a competition about 'thunder stealing' etc - but it sounds as if that competing is not coming from you.

Can you text your parents very calmly to say 'Mum, Dad, you know how hard it has been for me to get permission for these three special trips with my daughter. You have far fewer restrictions on your time out with her than I do, so it is difficult for me to understand why you had to choose three outings that are so similar to the ones I had planned with dd.

All I want is to spend some special, happy time with MY daughter - I am saddened that you would wish to spoil this for her. Unfortunately your behaviour has destroyed my trust in you, and in the future, I will not be sharing my plans with you.

We are not competing for dd's affection - she loves us all - so please will you stop trying to make everything a competition. Circumstances mean that it is not a competition I can win, but the ultimate loser will be dd - I am sure you do not want this.

Yours, MrsDowneyJr'

I am imagining that the OP maybe has a disability or maybe mobility issues that rule out a lot of activities, hence being "restricted"

Or a court order that doesn't allow it.

As others have said OP any time you spend with your dd is special. Only you can have mum and dd time. Remember that.

I am sorry op
The GPs knew your plans and went ahead regardless.
Awful behaviour.
As for all this stuff about it not mattering because it's seeing you that matters, if I only got to see my DCs a few days a year I would want to make those days extra special too. I honk most people would.

I don't know what to suggest. I hope you find something lovely to do with your DD

I dont understand how there are such restrictions placed without some sort of report stating she is incapable of looking after the child appropriately. If that is in place then surely the SS will step in and take the baby she is currently carrying?

Why do you not see the child with your parents?

Your mother sounds toxic, OP - she knew exactly what you had planned and clearly conspired to upstage you. She sounds like a complete bitch.

I hope you get out of this dreadful situation soon.

It's really shit for your parents to do this. Reading between the lines, it doesn't seem unexpected for them though

Yanbu your parents sound mean and cruel. However your daughter is 8 and she will see things so differently. First times are often confusing and overwhelming for 8 year olds. Children are usually much more comfortable doing things when they are familiar, hence them wanting to watch the same films or tv shows over and over again or go to the same park or play with the same toys.

Yea your parents have behaved way out of line but I bet you your daughter will be happier the second time at chessington where she can revisit her favourite rides, show you around and you can take it at a nice relaxed pace and she won't be rushing to go on everything. Lapland will be fine too, no plane journeys or strange places just a lovely relaxed day out with her mum.

She lives with her father & he allows more contact with GPs than mum?

the whole thing sounds completely fucked up.

reading between the lines:

MrsDowneyJunior had a child with a man. when the relationship disintegrated he managed, in the ops view, to get people to believe she had been abusive towards her dd and therefore she now has limited contact which is heavily restricted, by the father.

as the nrp she has clearly been jumping trough hoops to be able to spend some quality time with her dd, but every time she makes plans they are trumped by the grandparents.

i feel for you, I really do. i dont really know what to suggest, other than to keep fighting for every bit of time you can get with your dd. i'd suggest you seek professional assistance and if you are unhsppy with the professional representation you hqve then find someone else.

What a horrible situation for you OP and your rage is very clear.

When you're ready and a bit calmer, it might be an idea to come back to the thread because you've been given some excellent advice by other posters. I can really understand why it might be difficult to take that advice on board at the present time though.

I agree it's hard to give a meaningful opinion when nobody is quite sure of the over-all picture of family set-up or why you see your DD so rarely.

Sorry I see that you have explained.

I think the pp who wrote about baking etc was onto something.

Take the corporations out of it.

Start thinking about what unique magic you can create that no-one will be able to gazump.

Cake making, shell seeking, conkers, snowman building, fairy hunts in the woods.

If you need a jumping off point or some pointers try the campaign the NT have running ATM www.nationaltrust.org.uk/visit/families/50-things/

ObfusKate that was a typo, the last "father" should have read "mother". He has basically lied about me and my parents and restricted us all from her and I'm battling to claw my way back into her life and affections, and although he restricts my parents it's not nearly so much and they get WAY more time and activites and events with her.

Oxymoron I am aware this is a chat forum where if someone wanted to find a poster they knew in real life, who was say pregnant and they knew the due date, all they'd have to do is look up the antenatal clubs, read and see who talks of having for example and 8 year old DD and has maybe mentioned an area or activity or holiday or something and it wouldn't take long to identify them, and look up their other threads and posts and glean information or use them against someone. Also maybe it is private and none of anyone's business, maybe it is painful or upsetting to talk about, maybe it is embarassing or humiliating, maybe it would make a poster more identifyable... maybe if you want gossip you could read Closer or Take A Break!

Everyone else thank you for your responses, so many to respond to personally, but it has helped. The text to send is a really good idea, and better than the caps lock rant they had off me before! I'll leave it with them for now and try again tonight after I've calmed down and had some food. I was thinking Winter Wonderland but I don't know, like I said, if London will be a no. Panto would be nice but I know she'll go with school and, ironically, her grandparents have booked it already but there are loads on so I could take her to a different one, or maybe a London show and Rainforest Cafe or something, but London again. Some ideas to work on anyway. But thank you for all the replies. it has helped.

I'm serious OP get out of the race.

Give your DD something she isn't getting from any of the other participants in this arms race of competitive parenting. Go Enid Blyton.

Play pooh sticks and jump in puddles. Those are the things amazing childhoods are made of.

Our Christmas Eves always involve old films and making things (sweets mostly and we eat half the mixture but christingles and tree decorations too).

Sorry op sounds like a horrible situation for you where you're standing alone. I really hope things work out for you