to be upset at grandparents stealing my thunder??

[MrsDowneyJunior]

Very long story short I barely see my DD and when I do I'm very restricted in what I can do with her. My parents see her far more and have way more freedom, but they still don't see her a lot and are still restricted to a degree.

I have unusually managed to wangle a few extra hours this week to take her to the cinema, a day in 2 weeks to take her to Chessington, and Christmas Eve taking her to Lapland UK. I have just found out that yesterday they took her to the cinema, today they've taken her to Chessington and 3 days before I take her to Lapland UK they've booked a trip to the REAL Lapland.

These 3 events for me are the first time in 2 years I've been able to take her to the cinema, a theme park and Santa and they've bulldozed it! She's not going to think me taking her to the cinema 3 days after they took her is anything special, she was so excited about her first time to Chessington in 2 weeks and they've just crapped on that today taking her by surprise now and Lapland??? How the hell can I take her to Lapland UK when 3 days earlier she's been on an airplane to the real Santa and real snow etc etc?? She'll be questioning everything I've told her about Santa, she'll remember their trip and will be comparing the two the whole time and a precious and rare special memory with her mother is destroyed for one with bloody grandparents! I'm her mother, not them! I'm more important in DD's life and should have the big days, not them and as it's such a rarity it's really pissed me off and I'm about to blow at them. If I had her 24/7 and these events were nothing special and we did it all the time then fine, but not when these things are so rare and special for us, and Lapland I would always be pissed off at though regardless of how much time I have with her. I put so much effort into creating the magic of Christmas for DD and building up this magical story and explaining how it all works and who the "real" Santa is and every sodding year my mother jumps in with some crap that undoes everything I've told her or planned or done with her. Really fed up of it. Had a mini rant at her just now and told her she WILL NOT do this with the new baby. Seeing her for dinner tonight & I just know there's going to be a battle with this and I don'tt need it but why can't she see how this undermines me and pisses on my parade? Or AIBU to feel like that?

[tobysmum77]

yanbu.

Just one observation though - if he's trying to turn dd against you it doesn't sound like it's working to me.

[MissDuke]

Is he a good dad? Is dd happy with him? I presume he has a lot of money and excellent representation to have managed to get these ridiculous conditions in place, what a shame your mother isn't helping you to fund similar rather than spending money on trying to outdo your arranged trips. What a horrible situation, I really feel for you op.

[TheWordFactory]

OP, can I just ask what CAFCASSS had to say about contact? Did they agree with the restrictions imposed.

[diddl]

It makes sense that OPs mum has spoken against her or why would they have so much more access/less restrictions?

I don't really get why flight risk equals limited access though.

[backbystealth]

Rockinhippy

Your post really moved me!

Your daughter sounds great. Talk about our children teaching us things...what's important and what isn't eh?

[needastrongone]

OP - Just wondering, are social services involved? My friend is a social worker, she is a highly trained, amazingly involved individual who is an expert. They are able to asses whether all these alleged risks you pose to your DD are really true. If they are not (which I can't imagine), then they should be, for your own sake I mean!

[Delphiniumsblue]

It is a sad situation but people are right about what children remember and value and it is often the simple stuff- the most important is spending time with them.

[Charlie97]

I am sorry, as a PP has said in time your daughter will learn the truth.

What about Thorpe Park, or are the rides too old for her?

And also at Christmas, Chessington Garden centre have the most amazing grotto. People travel for miles too it. It's not Lapland but children Re strange creatures and sometimes the simpler things they enjoy the most.

I remember one year all my son wanted for Christmas was one of those globes you hake and snow appears. Bee got him loads of other stuff, but should not have bothered, he just wanted that.

Again, I'm sorry you are in such a sad situation.

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

I'm sorry too. Heartbreaking.

[CheerfulYank]

Oh OP. I'm sorry.

YANBU.

[MadonnaKebab]

It looks to me like your Mum is sabotaging your relationship with your DD so that she can take your place in DD's affections.

I'm also worried that she may have badmouthed you in statements to the court, too.
That might explain why XH's word was taken as gospel, if your Mum was backing him up (could she have somehow kept this confidential from you, on the grounds of DDs safety?)

Anyway, make sure you do not trust her / rely on her in the upcoming court case in Sept. She is working against you, and this is more important than the days out (which I agree, DD will love anyway, as long as you don't let DMs actions spoil your mood)

Can you talk to your Dad alone, can he help you?

[wafflyversatile]

Can you do stuff through your dad instead and ask him not to tell your mum?

She'll love spending time with you wherever you are, even if she has been before.

I can understand where you're coming from and it seems your mum is behaving really quite horribly.

[Nofunkingworriesmate]

I think the situation you are in/ have been in , IS totally relevant ... If you were able to have normal access to your child none of this would be happening or upsetting you . Focus on spending what time you can with her and don't turn it into a competition , maybe your folks are trying too hard and over compensating ?

My happiest memories of my mum are of us doing the simple things done with love
Good luck x

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I also have a friend who, many years ago, lost custody (as it was called then, not in the UK) to her then ex-husband. She had to commute every weekend to see her child for three hours there and three back and was exhausted and so worried she had lost him mentally and physically. The judge did this as he was concerned my friend was a working mum (this was 20 years ago) and this would be detrimental to the child! It did pay off though in the long-term and she has an excellent relationship with him now. I do think if you plod away and are consistently there, this doesn't go unrecognized, but it is hard to play the long-game. I hope you get better legal representation next time around as well.

[LastTango]

MrsDowney - I had a friend in the same situation as you (but without the grandparents). My friend's EX played all sorts of merry hell for nearly 15 years with their daughter, including moving house several times (until the Court stopped him).

Then the daughter got to 18 and found out exactly what he had been up to and how he had tried desperately to separate her from her mother. It backfired spectacularly on the father..........who now has NO contact with the daughter at all. And lives with her mother happily.

Please take comfort from the above.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Rock I agree with your last post, many of my childhood memories are from impromptu days.

[RockinHippy]

Autocorrect gone nuts

[RockinHippy]

I can understand your upset, what they have fine us wring - but you know what, I think both they & you are perhaps missing how a child's mind works at times.

I had an interesting conversation with my own DD the other day, she was telling me about her favourite childhood memories (even though she's not grown up yet )

She has barely any memory of Disneyland where she went with her best friend for her 7th birthday, no memory of London zoo, or the Valley of the Kings in Egypt, even though she's Egyptology obsessed, barely remembers LaplandUK. - though weirdly does rember CraplandUK which we were unlucky enough to be conned by, or camping trips or holidays - so many places, you would think would make memories - but nope...

Her favourite memories...

The time I helped her build a giant den in our attic with blankets, bits of fabric, an old washing rack & old chairs, rugs & cushions on the flood etc etc - & she lived in it for days, we had a sleep over & I made her her favourite snack for the first time - simple potato cakes & ketchup, something my mum used to make me & she enjoyed hearing those stories too

Another favourite she says, is the time we let her set up house in a giant cardboard freezer box fir a few days, she painted it, made windows, made it her own, ate & slept in it too

She also remembers & loved rock pooling, kite flying in a local beauty spot really well & going to see Spamalot as she thought it a bit grown up & naughty - though none of the pantomimes she has seen

But hardly any of the expensive stuff at all

So if you really want to build memories, forget about this stuff, of course she will enjoy it, but she probably won't remember much of it

Do something simple, something out of the ordinary & get down on your hands & knees & join in - that she will remember

Good luck

[ChasedByBees]

I'm so sorry MrsD. :(

Isn't parental alienation considered abuse? Hope things improve in September. Your mum is being an arse and once your DD is a bit bigger, she'll know it too.

You'll create amazing memories, because you're her mum.

[Nerf]

Is there any social services involvement backing the ex up? (Am thinking of the family rights organisation if so - you can google them) and i really hope that whatever the situation and the rights and wrongs that you have a fair hearing in September and are able to present the facts and be listened to. I would probably avoid chessington tbh - ask your dd what sort of day she would like? Get some ideas and ask her to pick? Could you do a castle like a national trust one and do princess type outfits and some early Xmas shopping together?

[MrsDowneyJunior]

Nerf no sorry I know, I was responding to you re witnesses but ended up going on about other posts I'd read and it's all blended into one but I know you only mentioned the one bit, sorry.

[Nerf]

Please don't single me out for questioning you! I was asking about legal aid and self representation to see if you could get your voice heard.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

OP if it's likely to take a while longer to get to a shared residence situation, you need a medium-long term strategy for dealing with your mother and her approach to contact.

[MrsDowneyJunior]

Ugh so many typos, I hate this phone!

[MrsDowneyJunior]

Nerf there were no witnesses, it was all done on heresay in the statements, nothing to back up the claims, no letters or appearances from the "witnesses" and the courts believed the good Christian Dr old boys association him over tattood single mum slightly chav slightly bimbo me. Basically. I was told straight "This isn't a criminal trail, Mrs Downey, we do not need evidence, just suspicions and we have them from these claims". I was self representing at that point. And when I found out what was in his statement and went to these "friends" asking them to write statements to clarify all these claims and help me they all said they didn't want to get involved, not one person helped me. I don't know why, I have never knowingly done anything to hurt them, have only ever tried to be a good loyal helpful friend to them, I've certainly sure as he'll never hurt DD or abused or neglected her, I'd not done anything I was accused of, I did everything I could to disprove the lies and show how untrue it was and I still lost and everyone has still sided with him, I'm clearly missing something somewhere, I'm coming across as this terrible abusive danger and as if the accusations are realistic and I don't understand why or how, but I know I'm across loo good mum and have never hurt, abused, neglected or harmed DD or any other child in any way, being a Mummy I'd the only thing I've ever been good at and the only time I've ever been happy and confident and thrived, which is why it's so hard to understand and believe how and why this has happened, but it has. Please don't question me on it and try to work out what I must have done or how there's smoke if there isn't fire, it is what it is and I'm fighting it and trying to claw my life and daughter back when she's been told I'm no longer her mother and his new girlfriend is her new Mummy, when I still have PR, I didn't want to get into it all, I just wanted to know if I'm BU here but it seems I'm not so at least I know I'm not mental in this instance at least.