to be upset at grandparents stealing my thunder??

[MrsDowneyJunior]

Very long story short I barely see my DD and when I do I'm very restricted in what I can do with her. My parents see her far more and have way more freedom, but they still don't see her a lot and are still restricted to a degree.

I have unusually managed to wangle a few extra hours this week to take her to the cinema, a day in 2 weeks to take her to Chessington, and Christmas Eve taking her to Lapland UK. I have just found out that yesterday they took her to the cinema, today they've taken her to Chessington and 3 days before I take her to Lapland UK they've booked a trip to the REAL Lapland.

These 3 events for me are the first time in 2 years I've been able to take her to the cinema, a theme park and Santa and they've bulldozed it! She's not going to think me taking her to the cinema 3 days after they took her is anything special, she was so excited about her first time to Chessington in 2 weeks and they've just crapped on that today taking her by surprise now and Lapland??? How the hell can I take her to Lapland UK when 3 days earlier she's been on an airplane to the real Santa and real snow etc etc?? She'll be questioning everything I've told her about Santa, she'll remember their trip and will be comparing the two the whole time and a precious and rare special memory with her mother is destroyed for one with bloody grandparents! I'm her mother, not them! I'm more important in DD's life and should have the big days, not them and as it's such a rarity it's really pissed me off and I'm about to blow at them. If I had her 24/7 and these events were nothing special and we did it all the time then fine, but not when these things are so rare and special for us, and Lapland I would always be pissed off at though regardless of how much time I have with her. I put so much effort into creating the magic of Christmas for DD and building up this magical story and explaining how it all works and who the "real" Santa is and every sodding year my mother jumps in with some crap that undoes everything I've told her or planned or done with her. Really fed up of it. Had a mini rant at her just now and told her she WILL NOT do this with the new baby. Seeing her for dinner tonight & I just know there's going to be a battle with this and I don'tt need it but why can't she see how this undermines me and pisses on my parade? Or AIBU to feel like that?

OP - you have lost a lot for whatever reason and I can see that you are angry and hurt as you have tried to give your daughter her dream days out and this has been taken from you too. Is there any way that you could combine all your trips with your parents and daughter - so that you have double the time?

Maybe you parents asked your daughter what her dream day out was as well she told them the same....people go back to these events time and time again - often the first time is not the best as you are finding your feet -- but when she comes with you she can head straight to the things she loves the most.

Just don't tell them any of your plans then they can't steal your thunder.

Just do something different. Does your dd live with your parents?

I appreciate that you don't want to give any more details, but it is confusing and if your situation were clearer then people could give more tailored advice rather than simply general stuff and sympathy.

It's clear that neither of you have custody, but without knowing a little bit more about that it's hard to give meaningful comment - for example, do you still have parental responsibility? Do they?

The reasons this is relevant is: my first thought on reading your posts is complete indignation on your behalf... this is your daughter, and your parents have booked to take her to Lapland and didn't even speak to you about it first? In no way is this either reasonable or good for you, them or your daughter - it is utterly inappropriate that grandparents should behave as if they do not have to consult with their gandchild's parent before taking them ANYWHERE, but certainly out of the country!

The fact that they think it's ok to do this indicates a totally inappropriate relationship - they are undermining you, sidelining you, treating the situation as if they are the parents. This is bad for you, bad for your relationship with them, and ultimately bad for your daughter too.

But... if it turns out that your daughter is in care, and either your parents or other carers have responsibility for your daughter and you don't, then that changes it somewhat. Not entirely - I would say that even if you don't have legal responsibility for your daughter, if your parents were good parents to you and good grandparents to her, they'd still be asking YOU in advance - out of respect for you as her mother.

You also mention that they can go to London, you can't, they can do soft play, you can't - again, for example, that could be because you don't have permission to do these things for specific reasons - or it could mean that you are disabled/living in poverty and don't have the opportunity to do them. If the first, you can understand your parents not wanting her to miss out - if the latter - they are taking advantage in a quite unpleasant way.

In short, you would need to give more details to get the best advice, I think. But my gut feeling? Your parents are undermining you and whatever your situation with your daughter is, they are taking advantage of it to elbow into a position of control. That is not good, and if you have any power to curtail it, I would. For your daughter's sake.

Could you take her to the theatre or to see a live show instead of the cinema.

And if they're doing Chessington, can't you do Legoland or Alton Towers or another theme park?

And how about Hyde Park Winter Wonderland instead of Lapland UK?

Maybe we could come up with more suggestions if you could say why you can't do certain things with her?

I think the OP is inferring the Father has custody, allows the grandparents more access than the Mother and she has to agree where she is taking DD in advance do can't change plans on a whim.

I think all you can do is stop telling your parents your plans. I have no idea why they are choosing to be spiteful and one-up all your ideas, although it's certainly not the first time I've read about this kind of thing on here.

I wish my parents and my in laws would do things like that with my dds, they don't take them anywhere :(

sebsmummy if that is the case there must be a reason why that is and if we knew the background the OP may find she was getting very different responses .

No question to me that your parents are BU. If they knew about your plans then it is clear they have gone out of their way to gazump you, and regardless of access arrangements, to do that to anybody else (especially the DM) is appalling.

OP, I do think it is worth going back to the people that you have had to arrange these events with and see if you can change them, I know with access arrangements it can be very difficult, but at least Lapland UK is far enough away that there is still time for that. Also speak to you DPs if possible. Let them know that this has upset you, even if it won't change things.

Finally do your best to look forward to these days. Maybe they won't be a special as if they were your DD's first times... but they will still be amazing and wonderful days with your lovely DD and I'm sure that she will still treasure them.

RTFT Squirrel

I saw my mum once a week for 5 hours for nearly 6 years.

Going fancy places would not have mattered a jot to me, it was reading special books, cooking and baking, teaching me about make up and clothes, favourite DVD's cuddled up with my own special tea. These are the memories I treasure.

Kids aren't daft, they know money can buy an awful lot but when time is sadly limited it's affection, love and quiet moments that count. Good luck xxx

squirrel do you really think that this is the thread for that comment?!

I'm really sorry op, I get you. That really does sound shite.

You are aware this is an anonymous forum? Keeping details that are important from the reader is annoying and makes it impossible to say whether yanbu one way or another.

Your refusal to share speaks volumes.

Yes, I re-read that bit too and considered it a typo but admit similar confusion.

Anyway, hope you are ok OP

Perhaps not the place for this but I don't see how one parent can restrict so much what the other parent does? The Mother is the only one with automatic parental status. So, unless it is is laid down in court, what's to stop her going where she wants with a child?

This one has no father, and no future kids will ever have one again after the job that previous piece of work has done on us but that's a whole other thread

Thats beyond sad, but again not a thread for such a discussion.

All peculiar.

IWillOnlyEatBeans I am the ONLY person around her who HASN'T let her down or broken promises. Her father, his parents, his girlfriend and my parents all have, and all in quite nasty ways a few times. I'm the only one who doesn't make her empty promises and who does what she asks for.

I am rescricted to within certain areas (don't assume that's some kind of probationary thing!! It's not, but I'm restricted with how far out we can go. Don't know for definite but pretty certain London will be a no.)

I can't have days out with them, another restriction, though they can join us on our days if organised in advance and OK'd by all parties, which it rarely is and I doubt it will be again after my mother's behaviour the last time this happened.

She lives with her father, who restricts them personally, but has basically lied his arse off and said I'm 50 shades of terrible abusive dreadful mother and that has placed restrictions on me despite all accusations being completely unfounded and disproved to date. Still battling it but for now, I have a shockingly disgustingly minimal amount of time and am very restricted in what we can do - no swimming, no soft play, no ice skating, no climbing walls or outdoor Go Ape kind of activities, nothing where basically I could run off with her so no real outdoorsy stuff, no picnics, I have fought for 2 years to get the cinema, Chessington and Lapland UK and my mother has known this. I can't make the arrangements direct, I either have to go through professionals or use my parents as messenger. As professionals have failed a few times recently I used my mother for these ones, she knew all the arrangements from the first mention of them, and has still stepped in and booked the same or bigger for within days of my event.

2 years to get to a theme park, 3 months organising it and getting it OK'd, and she takes her days before. I booked Lapland UK on 23rd January, she made all the arrangements and negotiations getting it OK'd before and since, then she books the real thing last week for a few days before. Cinema I can handle a bit more because it's not such a huge day, they do frequently take her to the cinema which is part of the reason it's taken me so long to get it booked for us because every time a film comes out I could take her to they do it on the bloody day of release every single sodding time and I'm always too late, but it was booked weeks ago and they knew, and I said yesterday before they took her that it was our plan and they could do something else but they ignored me not wanting to disappoint DD once they already had her & she was expecting it, and I can cope with that, but not with big days out planned months in advance for the first time in 2 years. Just lost it with my mum and the relatively calm texts back and forth just went all caps lock and sweary. And hey presto that's an instant "oh well there you go she's just a phycho going off on one yet again, hasn't changed since she was a child, always been a temper tantum..." and I've instantly lost. I'm just gutted. i was SO looking forward to these days and ther were so special and I'd been waiting for so long and I just wanted to give DD a fantastic proper day out and a wonderful memory for once, and just a bit of fun for once and my mother has totally crapped on both! In spectacular fashion! And here come the hormonal pregnant tears of frustration. Fuck it I'm going to bed and avoiding dinner with her tonight.

ObfusKate... you have outed yourself as Columbo.

It doesn't change the situation though... no excuses for adults intentionally gazumping another member of the family. Can only ever end up leaving the child in a worse position.

Look at it this way- your daughter has loads of people who love her and want to do lovely things with her.

It won't take away from what you did, children just don't think like that.

I wouldn't waste energy worrying about things you can't change.

MrsDowney - I think wanting to cry and scream in frustration is the most natural thing in the world.

I wish there were an easy fix for you, but I think you know that there isn't. All you can do is try to be the bigger person. If you let people rile you then they have won. If you get angry at them then it just confirms that you are unreliable and unstable.

Use your councilors and the people you trust, and always MN of course, as your outlet. Don't let them know it gets to you.

Most importantly hang onto those special days with your DD. Be strong and be mature for her and she will love you forever and unconditionally, whatever anybody else says.