AIBU to get annoyed when asked my marital status when leaving a message?

[peanutbutterandbanana]

GGGRRRR - I used to get this in the last century... you make a call and the person answering needs you to leave a message, so you give your details and they say 'Miss or Mrs?'. My marital status is unnecessary and a man would certainly not be asked to confirm his personal home setup.

I've just called someone who runs an employment agency and I know her quite well. She's a one-woman-band so obviously uses one of these answering services, so I had to spend ages spelling my name out, detailing whether I was an individual or a company and then asked 'is it Miss or Mrs?', "Irrelevant," I said.

But my blood is now boiling. I cannot believe that we are well into the 21st Century and this question is still being asked when it is absolutely not relevant to this call or to my potential employment or to anyone else, in fact, apart from me and my OH/DP/DH. AIBU?

people and systems don't need to know either marital status or gender most of the time - I always used to say "no title, but if your system insists on having one then Ms - oh, that's not an option? how odd, you choose then, I'm married but didn't take hisname." I have had far less hassle now that my response is simply "Dr" - I assume the person on the other end of the phone is then ticking a box which says female if that information is relevant.

oh and the simple alternative to Christian Name, Surname (Sirename) is First name, Last name.

My facebook is so depressing at the moment; full of women getting married counting how many 'sleeps' until they become Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname.

I mean, y'know, not properly depressing - I'm not such a grouch I hate to see people on my facebook being happy, but so many 'yay congrats to you Mrs Hisname's that I wonder whether anything will ever change.

curtains funnily enough it was a teacher at my school (can't remember the subject) who inspired me to be a Ms in my teens, as I have been ever since.

I make no secret of being married, but didn't take DH's name. The only people who call me "Mrs DH" are DSs' teachers. I always ask them to call me by my first name, or if they insist on titles (usually because they want to remain Mr/Mrs/Miss Teacher), "Ms Mysurname. I may be "DCs' mum", and "DH's wife", but I prefer to be identified as myself rather than in relation to others.

Yabu surely a simple Ms would do. I dont want to be a Miss or a Ms im a Mrs and would hope people dont use Ms in place of that. Call me old fashioned I dont care but dont force me to be Ms just because you dont want to disclose your marital status.

Yes I remember the first time that hit me - I'd seen a photo of a girl who lived near me in a magazine with the caption "Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname." It was like her identity had been completely wiped out.

OMG just checked my divers licence - Miss! Now I only got this recently and I'm absolutely sure I wouldn't have put Miss on the form (as I haven't since I was old enough to drive) - it would have been Ms - so have they just made this up for me?

I've moaned about this on here before but I got a CRB check returned because I'd put Ms as my title but hadn't specified a previous surname . It took several tantrums letters and calls to explain that Ms didn't in fact mean I was divorced, that I hadn't ever been married, had never changed my name, and even if I did get married I wouldn't be changing my name, so the whole notion of my marital status was vastly irrelevant to my ability to work with children.

Some of my best friends are lesbian cat-owners. Some are even - gasp - married lesbian cat-owners.

Elephants (re CRB check) that is insane

Is that owners of married, lesbian cats, motherinferior?

I wouldn't recommend anyone to marry a cat. Evil bastards. Whisker-twirling villains. I love them dearly but it is never a relationship of equals. I really ought to LTBs.

(Obviously by then she was a woman, but I had known her as a girl, apologies).

Also shocked at the CRB check.

Susie We are all subject to slip of the tongue and showing our age!

I have preferred fore- and surname to first and last name because the latter are American usage (other prejudices showing there) and it had never occurred to that surname = sirename. My preference has now become forename and lattername.

Surely if you're dealing with customers it's sensible to ask which title they prefer? She was deviating from the script a bit, but some people get absolutely hysterical if you address them using their forename.

Agreed, thelovely, but as PP have said, why not ask which title they use, rather than just offering a choice of Miss or Mrs? My DGM would have been absolutely horrified by anyone who didn't know her using her first name, so I do see that. But why then not respect the choice to use Ms/assume they are not in their own right a Dr or other title?

By the way loved the Rev Firstly story!

I think I might be Sr. now...I have got siblings so I am one.

Only children could be sister too ... as part of the feminist sisterhood...why didn't Sr. get chosen instead of Ms? Much clearer and we can all have the same title.

And when we go to Spanish speaking countries it will look like senor and confuse everybody! Great fun.

At the lovely primary school that my DCs have all moved on from everyone called each other by their first name: parents, teachers, headteacher, children, so that everyone was treated equally with regards to how they were addressed and it didn't matter if mum or dad had a different name from their child. If I went to help with the reading group then the children called me Peanut. I called the Headteacher by her first name. It broke down so many barriers and it seemed much more like a proper 'workplace' (which for some it was of course and it is technically training children for their future workplace). And yes, the children were all very well behaved, got brilliant SATs results, were bright and engaging and the recent Ofsted report (Outstanding) commented on the pupils' excellent behaviour.

TBH people can obviously call themselves what they like - this post is not about what you want to call yourself.. it is about why women in Britain are subtly asked to clarify their marital status by strangers and men are not. As it is I choose to be a Mrs some of the time and Ms some of the time but from now on I shall be Dame or Wing Commander at those times when it makes not an iota of difference whether I am married or not.

This is why I am glad I have graduated and can now be Dr. It makes me sound slightly pretentious but I'd rather that than tackle the whole Mrs/ms/miss controversy. I'm divorced so should be ms but it's hard to say and ends up as miss.

I hate having to tell people my marital status all the time, I'm recently divorced so it's been a bit of a sore point.

Exactly Glabella, but I bet your EXDH doesn't have to belt out to everyone that he is single every time he wants to leave a telephone message!

Oh and PS have some to cheer you up

It [Dr] sounds no more pretentious than someone wanting to call themselves "Mrs" because they are married - does it?

What it means is that you have achieved a particular professional status by means of your own hard work. How is that pretentious? If you had married Lord Fred Bloggs and insisted that your old friends and family now referred to you as "Lady Fred Bloggs" not as Glabella, well THAT would be pretentious IMO, but calling yourself by a title you have spent considerable time and energy achieving is not.

It also nicely cuts across the whole 'we need your title for security reasons so that we know whether you are male or female' argument that one company tried on me

I'd use 'given name' instead of Christian name I think.

As an aside, I hate sir and miss at schools. It sounds whingey to me. Surely the 'pair' should be sir and madam?

YABU

They were not interested in your marital status, they were just asking your title.

As part of my job I take new customers' details, which involves asking their title. The drop down box has dozens of options, such as Professor, Rabbi etc - nothing to do with marital status.

If somebody barked at me that the question was irrelevant I would have to disagree that it was - how would we address them correctly on correspondence otherwise?

But the whole point is that, unless a woman is a doctor or a rabbi or something, her title reveals her marital status, whereas a man's never does. That is not fair.

And can someone explain this thing about a title being needed to address correspondence 'correctly'? If someone says they don't want to give a title, wouldn't you just address things to Firstname Lastname? What is people's definition of 'correct' address here? Is it not correct to address someone the way they want to be addressed?

You address someone how they wish to be addressed. If they don't want a title it's not up to anyone else to force one on them.

That is the correct form of address.

But promised they didn't ask her title. I agree that would've been fine. They didn't offer a drop down list - just Mrs, and Miss.