AIBU to get annoyed when asked my marital status when leaving a message?

[peanutbutterandbanana]

GGGRRRR - I used to get this in the last century... you make a call and the person answering needs you to leave a message, so you give your details and they say 'Miss or Mrs?'. My marital status is unnecessary and a man would certainly not be asked to confirm his personal home setup.

I've just called someone who runs an employment agency and I know her quite well. She's a one-woman-band so obviously uses one of these answering services, so I had to spend ages spelling my name out, detailing whether I was an individual or a company and then asked 'is it Miss or Mrs?', "Irrelevant," I said.

But my blood is now boiling. I cannot believe that we are well into the 21st Century and this question is still being asked when it is absolutely not relevant to this call or to my potential employment or to anyone else, in fact, apart from me and my OH/DP/DH. AIBU?

growinggold - it may not reflect current marital status always, but it does reflect that you have been the property of a husband at some point (historically Miss = property of father; Mrs = property of husband).

I was having a right old fight with a (won't name them) company's call-centre. Rang three times, first two were utterly useless. Like "Is Cornwall in same time zone?" useless, and asked my title and couldn't understand Ms. Third time lucky- a lovely bloke answered and could tell I was mad as hell, asked me my title one at a time "Mrs?" "Nope", "Miss?" "Nope", so he stopped, said "I have to fill it in on the form, but for a bit of fun shall we say Rev". I said yes go for it, and have since got correspondence from company to Rev. Firstly :)

susiedaisy - and I can't understand why women don't give their surname to their children, but that's another (much done) thread . . .

Andrewoffog. No need to be patronising.

Spider in the name of equality all children would have to take both last names wouldn't they?

Matrilineality makes more sense - makes women more visible historically too.

It's not patronising to say some people (like me) get really annoyed by Christian name. I'm not a Christian.

susiedaisy What is patronising in my last post?

You complain about outdated assumptions such as that women should be defined by their marital status. I complain about another outdated assumption: namely that everyone has a "Christian" name. What is the difference?

I didn't see that post as patronising either - I always point out that someone is wrong when they ask for my Christian name.

I'm a permanent ray of sunshine really . ..

susie I simply don't understand how someone can get married possibly in a church buy into the whole bandwagon of a white dress, father walking you up the aisle, become mrs somebody, take the husbands name and give it to their kids but then get arsey when they have to use that title to register /identify themselves with another person or company.

Firstly, you don't have to do all that to get legally married.

Secondly, I find people can quite easily have some seemingly contradictory beliefs. Eg, I'm both religious, and a feminist. So I did do all that white dress stuff, but equally don't want people having to refer to me as some man's appendage. Equally I have friends who are religious but have refused to get married at all (despite the whole '"living in sin') thing because the feminist bit was more important, for them.

And thirdly yes you are quite right about all the titles being used to keep people in their place. I just don't want to be kept in one I would love it if we needed no titles at all, like the eminently sensible Scandinavians, but first we'd have to get rid of hereditary peers having powers - can't see any reason other than that that we still have to use them officially really (possibly also to do with having hereditary crown but the scandis have that so can't see that would matter??)

"Try forename" Is what I found patronising.

Christian name was a slip of the tongue so to speak, showing my age.

At work we use first middle and last names.

Sorry Susie, missed your "possibly". But, I still did do all that and can't see how that should stop me being feminist.

Well I bought into the whole "old fashioned" getting married in church, changing my name (TBH I was railroaded a little on that one and don't know if I would do it now) thing, and I still see no reason why random person taking details / filling in a form should know if I am married or not. I use "Ms" on almost everything, and if asked "is that Mrs or Miss" I will always say "neither, it's Ms"

I am not ashamed of or hiding my marital status. If a form asks for it, then it is asking men and women alike, and that's fine. Stuff from school comes addressed to "Mr & Mrs Squiggle" and that too is fine. But if I am doing something on my own behalf, then it's none of their damned business and I will insist on "Ms"

Ah, I'm so old that I'm the sort of crusty feminist who thinks marriage is still a bit immoral, really.

I can't stand Ms makes me think about people who end up having very passionate but very boring conversations in pubs. Also don't like spiders property of x point.

I do like Wing Commander but wont use that as people will assume I have an amazing and well manicured moustache.

I did get bought one of those square foot of land in Scotland presents once with a little card informing me I am entitled to give myself the title Laird, or the female Lady.

Lady Butterpuff

I don't understand why we need these titles at all. Why must someone be Mr Joe Bloggs or Ms Jane Smith, why can't they just be Joe Bloggs and Jane Smith?

What is the point of having the titles at all?!

I use Ms as a title when I have to use one. Otherwise I generally go by First Name Surname.

I'm just in the middle of trying to get my bank account adjusted as they keep putting Miss. Weirdly, same bank has my credit card labelled as Initial Surname, no title at all.

I was chatting about the whole issue with DD once (she's 14 and now getting interested) and while she has her dad's surname (long story but I'm happy with the decision), she's now thinking that my surname is better and is considering changing her surname when she reaches 18. Her choice. She totally understands why I prefer Ms and is now beginning to use it herself.

DS, aged 10.5, was listening and came in to say that if he gets married he won't ask his future wife to change her name

I may have a little work to do on him, but he's going in the right direction

Oh, and as an alternative to maiden name, I have referred to birth name in the past.

mother that's exactly what my friends thought too.

Thats another thing that comes up on these threads too which also leads me to prefer Mrs not to be used - that somehow my relationship is more valid because I'm married. it's not. it just gives me different legal rights. I don't regard their relationships as any 'less' for not being married - they are just as committed. But I liked all the sacramental theology around it. I did it for the 'joined souls' bit rather than the 'legally joined' bit.

I have used Ms since I was 20 (if forced to use a title at all) - so over 30 years ago

I was never aware of any negative connotations. Even if there were, that would be their problem, not mine.

Maybe the society/culture I come from is/was more open minded than some on here seem to have experienced. I wouldn't have thought so though - middle class West of Scotland isn't exactly at the forefront of radical political correctness.

I remember when I first started working (in the South East), getting business cards arranged. My colleague (a real "medallion man") got really distressed as I didn't want a title included and my (shortened) first name combined with my Germanic surname might mean that people wouldn't know what sex I was. While I quite enjoyed that confusion in letters (to quote an earlier poster, it was "irrelevant"), as our boss told my colleague, "Since you tend to hand out business cards, if they haven't worked out what sex she is an attractive, if I say so myself, 23 year old graduate - then they've got bigger problems!"

Well said, OP!

I am with you all the way.

I say 'Ms' in response to those questions, but frankly saying 'irrelevant' is a far better response.

Just ridiculous that a woman's marital status needs to be broadcast. I use Ms because it confuses people, but frankly the best solution would be for all women over 18 to use Mrs (in the same way that men use Mr whether they are married or not). Would simplify things.

Re teachers.
I decided to become a Ms when I was aged 15 after having two English teachers who were Ms. We asked them why they used Ms once and they gave reasons I both couldn't argue with and which inspired me, so it was a done deal.

I also couldn't give a monkeys if using Ms makes people think I'm a bitter, feminist, divorced, lesbian cat-woman.

In my job I asked when required because you wished to address then respectfully and not by their first name. Whatever they said their title was, I would use. We did have a blank option that you could put ms, dr et. in.

I like being married, I live my husband, I love being part of his family, taking his name and stating I am married by being mrs. :)