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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to demand OW pays back the money h spent on her

129 replies

justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 11:25

I know I am, but I am so enraged. Found h has had a 2.5 year affair with a mutual friend while being a sahp. We are still living together for financial reasons, but I am pretty sure the marriage is over - though he still maintains not necessarily. The problem is I keep finding out more little details and each one causes stress.

We have pretty big money worries and I have been looking through our account history today. I am at fault here as this is the first time I have looked in the 10 years we have been together, despite the fact that I am more or less the sole earner Blush. I have found that he has paid for a couple of hotel rooms and a couple of other things in the last couple of years. The amounts are not huge at all, but obviously that's not the point.

I will confront him tonight but I so want to demand that she pays me back the amount, or that I will turn up at her house until she does. Yes, it was family money, but I bring almost all of it all in and she knows that. How could she let him pay for anything? This is not helped by the fact that I have asked her several times to meet me and discuss things since I have found out and she has refused. Her texts are the most mind-blowingly patronising, inhuman things I have ever read. She doubts I 'could be civil' but 'sympathises with the situation I'm in' etc. No apology, no regret, nothing.

I know he has betrayed me most, but she has too and I just want acknowledgement of that. I won't do it, obviously, but just so angry now and want her to have some consequence like I have.

OP posts:
LIZS · 29/07/2014 11:28

Your anger would be better focussed at your h's betrayal and him having fun at the family's expense. How is he going to rebuild your trust and finances ? There is nothing to be gained , financially or emotionally, chasing or even contacting OW. You are simply perpetuating the hurt to yourself.

CatKisser · 29/07/2014 11:31

Oh my god, don't do this. To be honest, you dont sound like you could do it in a civil way (don't blame you.)
HE made the decision to blow family money on her. Get it back from him.

EarthWindFire · 29/07/2014 11:32

I will confront him tonight but I so want to demand that she pays me back the amount, or that I will turn up at her house until she does

If you do that you could be on the way to getting yourself done for harassment, especially with the texts etc you have been sending.

I know it's hard but it is your DH that is married to you and it is him that has betrayed you. Of course you want her to appologise however even if she did would it make the situation any better especially if it is done under duress.

sezamcgregor · 29/07/2014 11:34

Why are you still living together?
Sorry but it's not a good idea is it? Could DD go to nursery?

Vitalstatistix · 29/07/2014 11:34

I understand your anger but direct it at him. he chose to spend family money on her. if anything, he should pay it back. he's the one who made promises to you (to be faithful, etc) and then crapped all over those promises.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/07/2014 11:35

Oh love. I know you are very, very angry and you have every right to be, but you're focusing on the wrong things here. If you ask her for this money back she is going to laugh in your face, you know she will. That won't make you feel any better!

This is down to your H. Focus your rage on him. Leave her out of it. Yes, she has behaved appallingly but she isn't married to you. He is.

Vitalstatistix · 29/07/2014 11:37

Meant to say also - if she can send the replies she is sending - you would be wasting your time anyway. She doesn't give a shit.

She probably cannot allow herself to accept that she has shit on you otherwise she would have to see herself as a not very nice person. So she no doubt prefers to be patronising about it and pretend that she is 'rising above it all' or some such crap.

but whatever she is kidding herself that she is, one thing I would bet all my money on - she wouldn't give you any money, she'd more likely laugh in your face.

You don't need that.

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2014 11:37

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but it's not for her to pay back.

Your DH took that money and spent it on what he wanted

Hope things get easier for you Thanks

mommy2ash · 29/07/2014 11:37

nothing can be gained from going near her. she won't have any explanations or apology and even if she did what would it change. she had no qualms about having an affair with your husband that tells you all you need to know.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through right now

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 11:38

Yes, I know it is a bad idea and wouldn't want to upset her children (the thing really stopping me), although one of these children could have been h's (apparently a paternity test has now proved otherwise, if I can trust that). She is such a fraudster - she is well-known in the community as a sort of hippified do-gooder, marching around in the homemade sling she made the day after giving birth. Little did anyone know at the time she didn't know who the father was. dispensing breastfeeding advice like some sort of guru, when she is the most morally corrupt person I have ever met, more so, I think than my h (who is a cock). She actively pursued a friendship with me when she was banging my husband because she wanted my dc to be friends with hers, because we were the only 'naice' people in the area.

harassment? For less than 15 texts in 2 months, only one of which had any swearing in, and none of which have been threatening? Is there a law against confronting people who have shat on you, but not one against lying, cheating, making a total fool of people?

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 29/07/2014 11:39

Why are you still living together?
Sorry but it's not a good idea is it? Could DD go to nursery?

He is a sahp. Just because he is male rather than female, his stupid actions don't change that. When women have affairs, men don't automatically say send the child to nursery.

Also if the OP and her DH decide to divorce neither party has to leave the house until all if the finances are sorted and filed with the court.

ThistleDoMeNicely · 29/07/2014 11:39

It was your DH that betrayed you. If anyone should pay the money back it should be him however, it was (as you say) family money and I can only imagine how much it hurts but you cannot claim this money back from him.

Cease all communication with her, it will get you nowhere apart from possibly into trouble with the police.

Mammuzza · 29/07/2014 11:40

She is a toad. She slept with a married man and let him spend the money his wife earns on her. No amount of "kissing" with legal action or face to face meeting is going to make her anything else. So leave her in her pond scum where she belongs. You can't help her be a decent person. So you might as well quit trying.

Your anger is a wholly justified and natural response.

The problem is, unless harnessed and used to best protect your future, it can be a tool for self sabotague and distraction that others can and will take advantage of.

The money already gone, as infuriating, painful and betrayal stained as it is, will fade into insignificance compare to any furture econmic hurt that you were unprepared for.

But your anger can harnessed to future-proof yourself from him ever causing you emotional pain via your wallet ever again.

Even if you are not sure yet what you want to do about the marriage, (which is perfectly understandable.. you have had the very ground ripped apart from under you, leaving you in an alien landscape, not knowing where to step is a natural response to that) it might be worth popping in to see a legal professional and letting them guide you as to where you stand and how best you can protect yourself from further losses whatever you decide to do in the future.

And, I am so sorry you are going through this love.

allisgood1 · 29/07/2014 11:40

I'm sorry this happened and you he DH is a complete twat. I can't imagine the anger you must feel in dealing with this kind of betrayal.

Your anger is misplaced though. It shouldn't be at OW, it should be at your H. He should be paying you back, not her. Leave her completely out of it (and stop contacting her if you are).

EarthWindFire · 29/07/2014 11:42

harassment? For less than 15 texts in 2 months, only one of which had any swearing in, and none of which have been threatening? Is there a law against confronting people who have shat on you, but not one against lying, cheating, making a total fool of people?

I understand what you are saying and her behaviour is wrong, but you were talking about turning up on her doorstep and demanding money back aswell.

kentishgirl · 29/07/2014 11:43

You have every right to be angry with her - and fantasise away about what you'd like to do - as long as you don't actually do any of it. You know that, it's clear from your post you understand the difference between wanting to do something, and doing it.

But for your own mental peace and health (eventually) don't get too caught up by obsessing about the OW for too long. I did, and it was a mistake, and made things worse for me.

Think about your husband and what future YOU want. Are you interested in keeping the marriage going? Financial reasons are not enough, there is always a way round them in the end. If you have to stay in the same house, you can live separate lives there. I ran a business with my cheating ex - we still run the business together now but that was a serious decision I had to make, and I don't see it continuing long term, but it suits me for now.

I can guarantee there is zero possibility of the marriage working if your husband is not willing to make a full disclosure of everything now, and to work hard on saving things, and to allow you your normal reactions. It does not sound as if he is willing to do this. (otherwise you wouldn't keep finding out new info).

10storeylovesong · 29/07/2014 11:43

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Floop · 29/07/2014 11:44

Please stop focusing on the other woman. I know many people will disagree with me, but she had no responsibility to keep your marriage faithful - it was all your DH.

He should pay you back, not her. She does not have to meet with you, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have even replied to your texts.

You really need to redirect your anger.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 29/07/2014 11:45

Why are you still together "for financial reasons" if you're the one who is the earner?

And of course, as you know, you shouldn't contact her at all.

You also need to stop making light of what he has done - you call him a "cock" yet she is the "morally corrupt" one......he was the one with a wife keeping him remember, not her.

I would be making damn sure it was really over (including seeing the paternity test) in your shoes. Because 9 times out of 10, when they say it's over....the fat lady has yet to sing. Flowers

WalkWithTheLonelyOnes · 29/07/2014 11:46

You're friend hasn't broken her vows. Your DH has. I understand that they're both dickheads of the highest order but your anger should be towards your "D"H

fackinell · 29/07/2014 11:49

What a horrible situation, Justfoundout. I'd personally have no more contact with her, she's probably getting a kick out of all this attention. Your H was an absolute dick for parting with family money to spend on OW, but he spent it. I'd forget all about getting it back from her and keep a dignified silence.

What you do need to sort out though is what to do about your marriage. Can you arrange alternative child care in the meantime? Family etc? As the main breadwinner he's obviously contributing nothing financially to the household, personally I would boot him out and let him know that you want reimbursed for the hotel rooms when he finds himself a job. Easier said than done if he is your only option for child care, however.

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 11:49

Sorry for that ranty post - it helps to get it all out and gives rl friends a bit of a break from hearing it! I know you are all right and appreciate the advice and kindness.

We just can't afford for him to move out - he is not working yet, though looking - needs to look harder. Both dc now at school, so no nursery costs, but have been looking at before and after school care, and it is just so expensive[ sad]. Really don't know what I'll do in September if he isn't living here, but don't know that I can stay sane if he is Confused.

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 29/07/2014 11:50

I actually think it's pretty understandable to be angry at both of them not just the husband although he would be the main person to be angry at.

I think OP has already said she won't do it, she's just venting.

I feel for you OP, what a shitty thing to do.

Can I ask the reasoning behind still living together?

passmethewineplease · 29/07/2014 11:51

Cross posts sorry OP.

Hmm what is your salary OP? Depending on what you earn you may be entitled to help with regards to childcare?

maras2 · 29/07/2014 11:51

Oh.I would so love for this to happen,even made law.The same as I'd like her to be branded as The Whore Of Babylon and him Adulterer.However,not going to happen is it?Obviously your feelings are going to be more prolonged than just 'kneejerk' but I don't know how to advise you to rein them in.It's going to be even more difficult as you intend to stay with him but fair pay to you for giving it a go,not many would or could.Good luck and keep the above scenarios as fantasy.