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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to demand OW pays back the money h spent on her

129 replies

justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 11:25

I know I am, but I am so enraged. Found h has had a 2.5 year affair with a mutual friend while being a sahp. We are still living together for financial reasons, but I am pretty sure the marriage is over - though he still maintains not necessarily. The problem is I keep finding out more little details and each one causes stress.

We have pretty big money worries and I have been looking through our account history today. I am at fault here as this is the first time I have looked in the 10 years we have been together, despite the fact that I am more or less the sole earner . I have found that he has paid for a couple of hotel rooms and a couple of other things in the last couple of years. The amounts are not huge at all, but obviously that's not the point.

I will confront him tonight but I so want to demand that she pays me back the amount, or that I will turn up at her house until she does. Yes, it was family money, but I bring almost all of it all in and she knows that. How could she let him pay for anything? This is not helped by the fact that I have asked her several times to meet me and discuss things since I have found out and she has refused. Her texts are the most mind-blowingly patronising, inhuman things I have ever read. She doubts I 'could be civil' but 'sympathises with the situation I'm in' etc. No apology, no regret, nothing.

I know he has betrayed me most, but she has too and I just want acknowledgement of that. I won't do it, obviously, but just so angry now and want her to have some consequence like I have.

OP posts:

heraldgerald · 29/07/2014 18:44

I'm so sorry your going through this op. Just awful. She sounds vile. Your h is a cock as you say.

I'm impressedr at how you are handling the whole situation [Flowers]

spongebob5 · 29/07/2014 20:01

I'm always surprised when women are angry at the OW. She was not in a relationship with you, your DH is/was. You could argue that she knew he was married, but after all it takes 2 to tango. Your DH is at fault here, tell him to find somewhere else to live & be grateful that you found out what a bastard he is. I'd rather lose a few quid than continue to live with a liar.

CarbeDiem · 29/07/2014 20:27

OP you're not BU for thinking about it but I personally wouldn't do it.

Your H is the bigger cunt here (she's not far off). HE used that money to pay for his seedy fling and although still complicit, she didn't and probably wasn't aware or didn't care where it was coming from.

I'm always surprised when women are angry at the OW
I'm quite shocked by that statement to be honest. I think there's a difference in whether the OW is known to you - it makes it much worse if she is and knows your dc, spends any amount of time in the wifes presence etc... I'd be angry at her too. Not as much as I'd be angry at my H though.

I hope everything works out well for you op and get as much professional advice as you can.
Take care.

passmethewineplease · 29/07/2014 20:38

Really surprised some women are angrgy at someone has slept with their husband?

I could understand if the woman was only angry at the OW.

Did you miss the bit where OP said this was a mtual friend? Surely friends don't do that to one another?

passmethewineplease · 29/07/2014 20:39

I meant I wouldn't understand the woman only being angry at the OW and not her DP/DH.

I'd be angry at both personally.

ramanoop · 29/07/2014 20:52

Hahahah. No.

burgatroyd · 29/07/2014 20:54

Sorry, op! Can completely understand your rage and the need for answers.

I know its hard but please hold the lid down on your anger. You will be calmer soon and realise that they both are useless buggers

burgatroyd · 29/07/2014 20:54

burgatroyd · 29/07/2014 20:55

Also if he does leave make sure he doesn't sting you on custody.

burgatroyd · 29/07/2014 20:56

Op, and its OK to be angry! Just do it here and not in RL where it can have consequences.

needaholidaynow · 29/07/2014 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 29/07/2014 21:05

Hope you have separated your accounts and protected yourself from a financial angle.

No way ask her for the money....your cheating liar of a useless husband should reimburse any funds taken which were earned by you. On principal.

She is not your friend never has been.

Surely you know enough now. I'd want him right out of the house.

Earlybird · 29/07/2014 21:05

Based on what you've posted here, he doesn't seem remorseful at all. That should be a huge red flag, if you are considering trying to salvage the marriage.

Agree that focusing on the money OW 'owes' you is a waste of time, though completely understand how furious you are at the manipulation and betrayal.

I'm so sorry.

Original poster

justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 21:10

Right, I have confronted him and all the transactions turned out to be explainable. I have very much jumped to conclusions on this one, so it's a good thing I didn't go there today, or I'd have looked a total fool! Didn't really think hotels were their thing, but I clearly wasn't thinking straight.

Doesn't change all the other shit they have done, of course, but I think any money has been limited to a tenner here and there in a pub or coffee-shop. Still begrudge it though, as well as the set of cloth nappies I gave her and the very expensive coffee machine I was forced to destroy with a hammer after h put a nauseatingly trite post about how it was 'the repository of many warm memories' on FB a couple of weeks ago- she used to go round MY HOUSE for coffee (with benefits) pretty much every day while I was at work

OP posts:

passmethewineplease · 29/07/2014 21:13

Oh just that's awful.

Horrid pair of shits.

Do you want out of the marriage? Does he?

Only1scoop · 29/07/2014 21:14

They are both disgusting....

Hope you rid yourself soon of this life draining creature. His capability to lie and deceive all this time is beyond cruel.

Take care

SolidGoldBrass · 29/07/2014 21:17

Don't smash anything else up with a hammer. That's the sort of thing that gives people the impression you are an unreasonable bully and it probably wasn't that surprising that your partner had an affair.

One of the reasons it's actually quite important for the law to take no notice of who had sex outside the marriage is that everyone has the right to end a relationship whatever their existing partner thinks about it. If A is married to B who turns out to be controlling and psychologically abusive, and A then has an affair as an exit strategy, it wouldn't be great if the law allowed abusive B to continue abusing and punishing A, would it?

Itsfab · 29/07/2014 21:19

Can one of you get somewhere else to live? I don't understand why you need to live together for childcare. Of course it means one of you won't see the child but that happens with all separated and divorced parents. Living together when the marriage is dead is not healthy for the children.

Original poster

justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 21:24

I obviously know that smashing stuff up is bad, and if I made a habit of it would make me sound dangerous/unhinged etc, but not sure how smashing a machine makes me a bully. I was alone at the time, no one felt intimidated/afraid it would be them next, if that is what you are implying.

I was alone, dc out with dm, and a friend (I'm not on FB) alerted me to this post. H had put it on during the week when we were supposed to be 'making a go of it', showing, again, his capacity to lie and show complete disregard for my feelings. A little ego-stroke for her, when he knew I was desperately struggling to hold it together, keep going to work, smile for the dc etc. So I lost it. Not good, but doesn't make me a bully.

I totally agree with your second paragraph, but I really hope you're not saying it's what happened here .

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 29/07/2014 21:36

Oh Op he is still disrespecting you so badly....

He is very cruel

SolidGoldBrass · 29/07/2014 21:51

Just: No, I wasn't saying that you were an abusive partner, just making a general example.

However, you weren't 'forced' to smash up your coffee machine. you chose to do so.

Darkesteyes · 29/07/2014 21:54

Solid is right.

In fact I remember reading a big legal article (about six years ago) about how working women are more likely to lose primary care if their h is a SAHD and doing most of the care.

Ok it was in Eve magazine (which no longer exists) but I remember there was also a couple of women featured who it had happened to and the article was basically saying it was likely to happen more often.

EarthWindFire · 29/07/2014 22:20

In fact I remember reading a big legal article (about six years ago) about how working women are more likely to lose primary care if their h is a SAHD and doing most of the care.

The primary carer is the one that looks after the children the most. If the father is the sahp then it is them, if the mother is the sahp then it's them.

The women as you describe don't lose the primary care as they aren't the primary carer iyswim.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/07/2014 22:27

Stop smashing stuff up. I mean it. You are not your DCs primary carer, you are already on the back foot. Do not make yourself unressonable rage woman who smashes up family property with a hammer.

I try very hard to be gender neutral on a thread like this but if a woman posted 'my DH has found out I've had an affair, and is now smashing household appliances with a hammer' I'd be advising the police, woman's aid and changing the locks in that order.

You need to keep a lid on your emotions.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/07/2014 22:29

I mean, rad tht back to yourself. It dosnt matter if they used the steamer as a sexual aid, you cannot go smashing shit up in the marital home.

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