to demand OW pays back the money h spent on her

[justfoundout2014]

I know I am, but I am so enraged. Found h has had a 2.5 year affair with a mutual friend while being a sahp. We are still living together for financial reasons, but I am pretty sure the marriage is over - though he still maintains not necessarily. The problem is I keep finding out more little details and each one causes stress.

We have pretty big money worries and I have been looking through our account history today. I am at fault here as this is the first time I have looked in the 10 years we have been together, despite the fact that I am more or less the sole earner . I have found that he has paid for a couple of hotel rooms and a couple of other things in the last couple of years. The amounts are not huge at all, but obviously that's not the point.

I will confront him tonight but I so want to demand that she pays me back the amount, or that I will turn up at her house until she does. Yes, it was family money, but I bring almost all of it all in and she knows that. How could she let him pay for anything? This is not helped by the fact that I have asked her several times to meet me and discuss things since I have found out and she has refused. Her texts are the most mind-blowingly patronising, inhuman things I have ever read. She doubts I 'could be civil' but 'sympathises with the situation I'm in' etc. No apology, no regret, nothing.

I know he has betrayed me most, but she has too and I just want acknowledgement of that. I won't do it, obviously, but just so angry now and want her to have some consequence like I have.

I remember your last thread.

Get a grip, leave the lass alone and sort your shit out. SHE does not owe you anything as infuriating as it is. Concentrate on your household, you have kids.. don't draw this thing out anymore for their sakes.

I don't blame you for being furious with the OW as well as your H and I probably would have smashed the coffee machine myself in your position. I would try and ignore OW and your H as much as possible now though and concentrate your energy on keeping the house and gaining custody of the children.

But Lonny, her husband and the woman who pretended to be a good family friend have acted to destroy the OP. While she was at work they were in her own bed and then drinking coffee. While they were trying to make a go of it, the OP's husband posts a photo of the coffee machine on Facebook, saying it held lots of good memories for him. Who wouldn't smash the machine?

What an awful situation you've found yourself in :(

As harsh as some of these posts seem, I think they need listening to - don't give your H easy evidence against you. He's being all nice about assets at the moment but that's very unlikely to continue, and he could paint a picture that is very damning.

It's utterly unfair and unwarranted, but he's shown you who he is, and he's not bothered about destroying your love, life and self, so why would he play the gentleman now?

Sounds like H has accepted he's completely in the wrong (there's no awards for that but it is better than when they stand there trying to put all the blame back on you) I would advise focussing on the long game here - you have children and a home to keep going; it is very hard I know but its a clear choice between fighting to stay afloat or letting them take you down with them. Take it from someone who has spent several years doggy paddling to the surface and despite the ex-h saying he was going to be fair and responsible about things I am the sole provider for our family and he has moved 5000 miles away to a tax haven which is completely untouchable legally or financially. People are capable of all sorts when they are in selfish b***d mode. Karma usually does take care of those who are blasé about the carnage their actions cause; your best revenge is succeeding in spite of their actions. It hurts like hell right now and if the only casualty so far is a coffee machine you are doing well!! Get good legal advice and use some of the divorce forums out there to QA the advice what ever you do don't spend too much on legal fees seize the mediation option and get as much sorted by mutual agreement as possible. It is utterly unfair this sort of experience but unfortunately trusting people leaves us very vulnerable; shame on them is all I can say.

But she doesn't owe you anything at all, OP.

She's not in breach of any promises to you, morally or legally.

Your husband chose to spend the money, and going round to her house to demand it back would make you appear unhinged and undignified.

I sent her a text accusing her of not knowing the father of her child - neat timing

And

I smashed up a coffee machine

Also are in the realm of mad behaviour

For the sake if your children, please try to find some maturity and civilised way of behaving, not indulging your shattered ego.

Forgive my harsh words but this is not constructive behaviour. Be strong and sensible for them.

YWBU if you really asked and expected her to. Naturally you are angry with her but, legally, she doesn't owe you anything.

You want the OW to compensate you for your husband's cheating and have already sent her 15 messages before confronting him about his spending on the affair?

Just when are you going to wake up and focus on the real issue? How much more of a fool of yourself are you going to be running around after this man?

just - what a horrible situation you are in! Cheated on by your husband and his lover has the gall to make friends with you while sleeping with your H - ugh! that makes me actually feel sick. What a bitch she must be to be spending time with you, getting to know you and your DC, while all the time being party to destroying your marriage behind your back. Your H of course is the really guilty party - but her behaviour is utterly despicable as well.

If you have seen 3 solicitors who have all given you much the same advice/information, then I'd be more inclined to believe them - not to say they're all correct, but you have no guarantee that people on here are correct either. What I would do is take the information you've been given here to one or all of those 3 solicitors (if you can) and say "So, what's this all about then - these people say that this is the case, are they right?" Just so that they know that you know there are other possible outcomes, and so that they can address it/reassure you.

I fully sympathise with your need to trash the coffee machine and given how well built they are, can understand why you needed the hammer. However - I do also agree that you need to rein it in now:
leave the OW alone - she isn't worth the shit on your shoes - ignore her completely;
and stop focusing on the past, start focusing on the future and how you're going to get there.

Your H may very well still be in contact with the OW - but since you seem to be saying that you want to split with him, that really doesn't matter any more practically. Try and distance yourself emotionally if you can (it will take time but practice makes perfect [wry :)])

Ah yes - another good point as mentioned by middleeasternpromise - while your H is in full guilt mode, he will promise anything, to be seen to be fair, to offset his own guilty feelings. This is unlikely to last.

Once he understands the realities of the divorce, and what he stands to lose, the chances are he will start backpedalling pretty quickly, so it's a good idea to get the financial situation sorted out asap - make sure you have copies of everything too, in case there are things that he can close you out of. If you have a joint account, take steps to stop him emptying it (Yes I know you don't believe he ever would but he might).

At all times, assume the worst. Expect the worst. Quite often they'll exceed your expectations in what they can stoop to! But please don't believe that he will continue with his protestations of wanting nothing - he probably won't.

Good point about any joint accounts. They should really be frozen so that neither of you can access it.

You poor thing

What a pair of shits they are.

Horrid behaviour but twisted thinking that she owes you money and also that the money is yours because you earn it and not joint money as h was a sahd.

Montegomongoose There was nothing mad or irrational about my texting her about the paternity of her second child. A big factor in this whole sorry mess is that h could well have been the father and she is married. She told him it was a medical impossibility for her to pregnant (absolutely still up to him to insist on condoms anyway, I know) and has since said it doesn't matter who the father is, as she is the mother and that is all the child will need to know . I find that disgusting, for the child's sake and the young man he is to be. It's a bad idea for me to text her, but I really don't think 15 texts over two months (many in clusters, so most days/weeks nothing at all) makes me seem that unhinged. I am sure many people in my shoes would have done far worse and gone to her house by now etc. It is really not my fault she shat on her doorstep as she did.

Lonny, I haven't smashed up the marital home. I smashed one item that had significant relevance to the affair, when I was alone. I had to use a hammer, as a pp said, they are very sturdy. My mother was worried for my safety when she saw what I had done as 'I could have had my eye out' . If I had been removed from my home and children on the basis of that, it would be absolute madness. Why are people not allowed a slightly ott reaction, that hurts no one, when they have been royally shat on?

Yes, I know I wasn't forced to smash it, but it didn't really feel like a choice. I felt absolutely sick and like I had been punched and just had to get the thing out of my sight. If I'm still on here moaning in a year's time about what's been done to me, that will be my choice, but in the immediacy and shock of first finding out, I'm not sure how much choice there is about how to react.

Anyway, despite how it looks on here, I don't spend that much time thinking about the ow and am far more concerned about what to about h. The thing that does concern me though, is the prospect of my dc having to spend time with her in the future .

I am a criminal lawyer. I have dealt with a huge number of harassment cases over the years, many of them fairly low level.

Listen to what people on here are saying to you. 15 texts over 2 months would be more than enough to support a harassment investigation, if she chose to go down that road. I suspect the police would have a huge amount of sympathy for your position, but you could still find yourself being interviewed and issued with a first instance harassment warning.

There doesn't have to be any threat of violence. Just continued contact when it is clear that contact is unwelcome, is enough.

The fact that they are in clusters doesn't make any difference. You need to disengage entirely. Not just for your own wellbeing, but to avoid putting yourself in a position where you're going into a residence dispute with a record of police involvement. You're making yourself very vulnerable to her, if she chooses to up the ante and involve the police.

'Repository of many happy memories' I'd have smashed the coffee machine too.

Lots of brilliantly wise posts on here. I can only add in a very childish way that I would make sure that every other mutual acquaintance in your area was well aware of all the nitty gritty details of ow appalling behaviour. she is such a bitch.

Have you got to support in rl to help you?

Why are people not allowed a slightly ott reaction, that hurts no one, when they have been royally shat on?

You are of course allowed an OTT reaction but not one that can be later used against you. You have to get smart, you have to play the long game and you have to stop believing your H is going to roll over and let it all go the way you want it to go come a nasty divorce.

At the very least: if he's still in contact with her and tells her, do you want that story all round the playground (no doubt with her embellishments?). Do you like the idea of her 'sharing concerns' about your children's welfare with the HT? She is a poisonous witch who clearly gets off on drama and has no moral boundaries and she will not hesitate to put the boot in to you if she can.

Honestly, I'm speaking so strongly about this out of concern for you. At the moment it's all amicable - how will it sound with a little bit of spin in front of a judge who is deciding where your children will live? Remember divorce is no-fault - the fact he had an affair won't even be on the page. But your behaviour could be, if you are pushing to be the RP for your children (remembering as well you're not the primary carer). You are vulnerable wrt to your future with your children, I wish there was a way you could put your (righteous) rage aside to see that.

I cannot believe some posters keep going on about you harassing the ow? When I found out my husband was texting another woman behind my back I phoned her three times and sent her ten text messages and majority of them were insulting and threatening. If I found out he was having an affair I would have gone round her house and had it out with her. So I believe how you have reacted is very tame.

You are in a much better position than your husband. You are the worker! you have a career unlike him and you can and will sort out childcare for your son. Think about sahm who leave their husbands with nothing, no job, no home etc.

I cannot believe some posters keep going on about you harassing the ow?

Because it can be used against her as has been said many times.

Lvwf is right of course. You must play the long game, it's in your own best interests. Sorry for the undignified suggestion. I'm angry with them both on your behalf.

Lvwf, I do see that your advice is good and I thank you, and everyone else, for the support and advice on here. We have since moved about 6 miles away, so not at the same school anymore, but if we were, I can see that I would indeed be vulnerable to her in the way you describe.

God, I bet smashing that machine was cathartic. Good for you. You're obviously not going to make a habit of it.

"I cannot believe some posters keep going on about you harassing the ow?"

It's not a moral judgement - it's a legal fact. Repeated, unwanted contact, no matter what the background, is harassment. The fact that the recipient is the OW would be substantial mitigation, but not a defence.

I don't think anyone here is crying into their cornflakes over the poor, harassed OW, but they are certainly concerned about the implications for the OP, if the whole thing turns nasty.

Oh god yeah, let me be clear I have no sympathy whatsoever for the OW and I think her actions insinuating herself into OP's life are particularly horrible. But that tells me she's a drama-loving narcissist and so is one to be watched. I am totally on OP's side!

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Your anger at a woman who befriended you while sleeping with your husband is totally justified and a completely valid emotion.

However. Nothing good can come of the anger. Cut her out like a cancer and focus on your family and working out how you move forward. I wouldn't bother with any more contact, or giving her any more thought if possible. You will get no satisfaction or apology from it. There are more important things to deal with now. She is an immoral nothing.

I would also say: box clever. Get a hold on your actions and emotions and consider how they could be portraying in a court six months down the line.

I would be extremely, extremely careful about all this assuming husband wants nothing, won't go for residency, won't want the house, 'has his pride' etc. All that could soon change when he's struggling to get a job/staring down the barrel of a grotty bedsit/the OW is whispering in his ear.

He hasn't proven himself to be the most trustworthy so far, has he?

I am not trying to scare you, but I would concentrate on getting the facts on a number of scenarios from your solicitor and other research, and channeling your energy into getting ahead of the game. Plan for the worst case. Protect yourself, and play the long game.