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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to demand OW pays back the money h spent on her

129 replies

justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 11:25

I know I am, but I am so enraged. Found h has had a 2.5 year affair with a mutual friend while being a sahp. We are still living together for financial reasons, but I am pretty sure the marriage is over - though he still maintains not necessarily. The problem is I keep finding out more little details and each one causes stress.

We have pretty big money worries and I have been looking through our account history today. I am at fault here as this is the first time I have looked in the 10 years we have been together, despite the fact that I am more or less the sole earner Blush. I have found that he has paid for a couple of hotel rooms and a couple of other things in the last couple of years. The amounts are not huge at all, but obviously that's not the point.

I will confront him tonight but I so want to demand that she pays me back the amount, or that I will turn up at her house until she does. Yes, it was family money, but I bring almost all of it all in and she knows that. How could she let him pay for anything? This is not helped by the fact that I have asked her several times to meet me and discuss things since I have found out and she has refused. Her texts are the most mind-blowingly patronising, inhuman things I have ever read. She doubts I 'could be civil' but 'sympathises with the situation I'm in' etc. No apology, no regret, nothing.

I know he has betrayed me most, but she has too and I just want acknowledgement of that. I won't do it, obviously, but just so angry now and want her to have some consequence like I have.

OP posts:
DrankSangriaInThePark · 29/07/2014 11:52

Hey.....he can't afford to move out. You can afford to kick the bastard out though.

Have you checked out all the tax credity things you will be entitled to as a single parent?

Bet it's him persuading you you can't afford to pack his pants and send him packing back to the OW.

EarthWindFire · 29/07/2014 11:54

Can I ask the reasoning behind still living together

Unfortunately he doesn't have to leave until finances etc are sorted in divorce. Sad

KnittedJimmyChoos · 29/07/2014 11:54

you can ask for it back - but have no intention of chasing it up....

asking for it back may further help her realise how awful she has been...how can people do it.

in the worst case scenario if i just couldnt control myself and lost the plot, and went for friends DH I still could not let him pay for me, knowing my friend was out working and supporting a family.

dreadful.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/07/2014 11:56

You will get tax credits as a single parent unless you earn masses. That might help. However, do get some legal advice about how to end your marriage - if your H is the SAHP he might be the one awarded residence and the family home. THe courts don't divide assets according to whether or not one party had sex outside the marriage, but according to what's best for the children.

sezamcgregor · 29/07/2014 11:56

Earthwindfire - *He is a sahp. Just because he is male rather than female, his stupid actions don't change that. When women have affairs, men don't automatically say send the child to nursery.

He had an affair and so chose that he wasn't happy with his life with his wife going out to work every day and looking after his daughter. I made an assumption that one of the reasons why Justfoundout2014 was still choosing to have him live with her would be the cost of childcare if DickheadDH had to move out and get a paid job to pay for his accommodation and living expenses. He isn't a commodity that she can just keep in a cupboard and bring out while she's at work for SAHD duties and then put back again when she gets home for work.

I do not understand why you are pointing out that women have affairs. This is not about people, this is about Justfoundout2014 and right now, she has a full time job and a husband that can't keep his dick in his trousers who may even have fathered somebody else's child as well as her own - but, who is still living with her. Unless she wants to save her marriage, I don't understand why she's not kicked the lying, cheating scumbag out - that was my question ^

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2014 11:56

I think it's important to remember that he is the DC's primary carer

There seems to be a bit of an assumption here that if they divorce, the DC will end up living with the OP - hence the 'boot him out' type posts.

If he were a SAHM who had an affair, I'm not sure people would be telling a male OP to boot her out and start looking for alternative childcare options.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 29/07/2014 11:57

Oh what a shock for you! I don't blame you for being angry.

Regarding her - you're not going to get your money back from her. By all means total up what was spent and invoice her with a note "funded by my family who as you well know are struggling financially" but only if you see it as a cathartic gesture, not because you expect her to cough up - it just won't happen.

Regarding him - if the children are no longer at home with him, why is where he stays any concern to you? Let OW put a roof over his head. Or he could support his own lying, cheating ass.

Does her husband know BTW?

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2014 11:59

I don't understand why she's not kicked the lying, cheating scumbag out - that was my question

Because legally she can't

Because he is the DC's primary carer

Because she doesn't want to make any knee jerk moves just now?

splendide · 29/07/2014 11:59

Would people be advocating kicking a SAHM out the marital home and putting the children into childcare when a marriage breaks up?

It's a horrible situation and I have nothing but sympathy for the OP but he is the primary carer and it's a crazy assumption that she would get custody and the house necessarily.

splendide · 29/07/2014 12:00

Sorry x post with Worra.

ChanelNumber19 · 29/07/2014 12:01

I don't think you'll ever get the money back.

REally calmly, ask your H to calculate how much he has spent on her. Be very calm. Force him to acknowledge what he has done. Force him to confront that figure.

That's the best you can hope for.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 29/07/2014 12:02

WorraLiberty
If he were a SAHM who had an affair, I'm not sure people would be telling a male OP to boot her out and start looking for alternative childcare options

He isn't providing childcare now is he? Even doing breakfast and afterschool stuff I don't think this would necessarily qualify him as "primary carer" - or would it? I don't really know.

But yes, to answer your general point, (and I'm thinking of my SAHM firneds here), I'd consider it quite unfair for whichever partner had the affair to merrily carry on like nothing had happened while the other partner has to move out. Because one of them has to don't they?

Urgh!

passmethewineplease · 29/07/2014 12:03

How old are your dc op?

sezamcgregor · 29/07/2014 12:03

I think it's very sad when she works full time and her husband is a SAHD and while DD is downstairs, he's shagging in their marital bed - and he might get awarded full custody and the house - what a fucked up world we live in.

EarthWindFire · 29/07/2014 12:05

I agree with Worral and splendie.

What I was trying to say (although maybe badly) is that just because he is the one that has had the affair it isn't as straight forward as saying he is the one that has to leave.

EarthWindFire · 29/07/2014 12:07

He isn't providing childcare now is he? Even doing breakfast and afterschool stuff I don't think this would necessarily qualify him as "primary carer" - or would it? I don't really know.

If he is providing the most of the child care then yes it does, just as it does if a mother is a sahp.

starterforeight · 29/07/2014 12:07

I wouldn't be expecting anything from OW.

Your DH spent that money on himself. I'd be informing him that he needs to either get an evening/weekend job to pay it back or sell some of his personal possessions to pay it back.

Definitely ask him to calculate how much in £ he owes to the family he has cheated on.

sezamcgregor · 29/07/2014 12:07

Would people be advocating kicking a SAHM out the marital home and putting the children into childcare when a marriage breaks up?

I'm pretty sure that I would.

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 12:08

Yes, her husband knows and I made the mistake of meeting up with him. He told her that I had said my H beats me (he never has and I didn't say it) presumably to put her off my h. He texted me about the paternity test after I sent her a text accusing her of not knowing the father of her child - neat timing Hmm.

I have sought legal advice and h says he has no intention of taking any money or the dc off me. He wants to see them as much as possible and contribute financially, though that may take time. He doesn't want the house, wants everything to stay as it is, just with him not living here but coming round, doing childcare if it fits his hours , seeing them loads etc.

Apparently I am entitled to £35 week tax credits, plus the deduction of council tax - but this would still only pay 1/3 of the childcare (assuming h couldn't do it on any day due to his hours, may not be the case, but I want to plan for the worse). I suppose I can be more frugal than we have been when I'm on my own, though he doesn't spend a lot, but maybe what he does would make up the shortfall?

He is not refusing to move out, but I persuaded him to stay while I get straight - stupid Blush. He won't give full disclosure, and is very irritable whenever I want to discuss ow. Thinks we need to focus on other stuff now. I don't believe it's over Sad.

OP posts:
SquattingNeville · 29/07/2014 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 29/07/2014 12:13

EarthWindFire
He isn't providing childcare now is he? Even doing breakfast and afterschool stuff I don't think this would necessarily qualify him as "primary carer" - or would it? I don't really know.

If he is providing the most of the child care then yes it does, just as it does if a mother is a sahp

Wow really! I had no idea. We both work f/t but husband does most of dropping off/picking up as his job is more flexible - I had absolutely no idea that rendered him main carer.

OP do you have access to legal advice. This whole thing just stinks.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 29/07/2014 12:14

Sorry OP crossed posts.

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 12:20

I have seen three solicitors and what they all said actually goes against a lot of what is said on here about SAHDs. It doesn't seem to be about custody anymore, but about coming to an arrangement through mediation. I suppose it helps that my h is not contesting what I want (not that we have done anything official yet) but all the solicitors seemed to think that I didn't need to worry too much about losing the children in any case. There is no way h has the potential to earn enough to pay this mortgage, and I couldn't afford that and a bedsit for myself, meaning the house would have to be sold if I moved out. Solicitors said that it is considered 'for the children' and to be preserved until they are 18, at which point sold for h to have a pay out. he doesn't want one, though of course may feel differently then.

OP posts:
backbystealth · 29/07/2014 12:23

Oh for God's sake - will some people be careful what they advise an OP!!

Of course he is the main carer and likely to be awarded house and main residence.

Would anyone be saying to the working husband of a stay-at-home mother 'it's your money, you can just chuck her out the house'?

A court decides on what is best for the children. It is nearly always in their best interests to stay in family home with primary care giver if that's possible.

(btw I am WOHP and dh is SAHD).

OP I'm so sorry for what you are going through - how truly awful Thanks.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/07/2014 12:23

YABU. The 'OW', however unhelpful her actions, is not the villain of the piece. She has no obligation to you. An apology from her doesn't mean a damn thing. He made voluntary choices about his behaviour, knowing this was the risk. For him to say that your marriage is not necessarily over sounds like supreme arrogance on his part