to be honest about childbirth...

[burgatroyd]

If first time mums ask me I am honest. One was so shocked she avoided contact me for awhile. I'm not gross, just honest.
Should one lie to first time mums?

Totally depends on your experiences. If mine had been terrible I'd be wary of terrifying someone, but on the other hand mine were great so probably not entirely realistic.

Both my labours were fast, and fairly easy. I was 8cm dilated with my first before I knew I was in labour (I'd gone in to be induced) and I'd given birth just over an hour later, and with my second, whilst it was painful it was only 30 minutes from me being woken at 2:30am thinking 'ouch, that hurts', to giving birth - very nearly a hospital car park job with no time for any pain relief

I was the first out of my group of friends to have children so I got asked a lot and whilst I was honest, I was clear that it was my experience and every birth was different.

I was very lucky with 2 easy births and didn't want to set people up with false expectations, but didn't want to terrify anyone either

That has to be a classic MN quote Jelly - 'you couldn't get a willy up your nose, could you' (must be quoted out of context)!

Thank you bearfrills, nooka, burgatroyd, corn chips, CarbeDiem for your reassuring advice - they're all little Houdinis who just need a bit of help I guess. I must admit I did giggle at fetching a midwife with longer fingers, still if her hands were tiny I bet she often has that issue

You've made me feel much better.

Thinking of how much to tell people about childbirth, I remembered that when my Mum went in to have her first she heard all this screaming and had no idea what it was, since back then there weren't all the TV shows etc. She asked the male doctor what it was and was shocked when he told her it was women giving birth - but he then said he didn't know why they did it as it wasn't that painful (which he would know how?) and he thought they were all just screaming because the others were! My mum ended up having C-sections but that comment....

Haha, I am a teacher! Not biology though....And yes, several children could testify to my Stern Look of Disapproval and humourless persona...that is undeniably true!

temporary glad you feel much better! And that you're not expecting a willy up your nose half way through! That would definitely be the wrong hospital.

jelly that settles it! My dds staying with you this summer!

... over thinking it is not going to make it any easier and for some women (over thinking, fear) it could really inhibit them and actually cause a slow or stalled labour.
I'd somehow been given the impression that labour wasn't as bad as all that, and as a result I spent several hours in a blind panic trying to make it stop. And panicking further when I couldn't.
And that was before things started getting complicated.

I think that, had people not downplayed the reality of the experience, early labour at least would have been much, much, easier for me. Whether I would have needed intervention at all is debatable, but I probably would have anyway - Daughter wasn't cooperating either, the little dear tried to turn around mid-stream.

Perhaps your fear went the other way then knitted and using the fight or flight hormone pathway, your body chose "fight". Ie. get on and do it! It just goes to show it's so different for everyone. I would say though a lot of bodies choose "flight". Ie run away, labour stops or is slow to start

I disagree.....once it started I was very calm, and my body, not me got on with it.

I don't think I had anything to do with it, and my mental state had no bearing whatsoever on that baby coming out my fanny.,

My fear or not fear can not dictate whether a baby will get stuck, lodged, turn or anything else, it will be what it will be.

Birth and labour is a bodily function like shitting. It will do what it does.

The only part I could control was holding the baby at the end to help it come out gently.

When I was younger I was terrified at the thought of ever giving birth. I remember seeing a picture of a Roman birthing stool and feeling sick imagining having to endure such a horrific trauma in the days before anaesthesia and I expected that I would never have the courage to do it, even in the modern age. I'd come across passages in books like the sofa-shitting one and feel faint. I felt I had to seek out more positive descriptions as they weren't widely available. When I gave birth myself, it wasn't that bad and I wished I hadn't wasted time worrying.

However, some people on this thread report the opposite - that they were given a misleadingly rosy picture of labour and consequently panicked at how much worse it was and that they should have been warned. So there is no right answer, I guess, and OP, you aren't unreasonable to be honest about it. We need to take all of the shame and blame and sense of failure out of the equation and speak honestly about our own experiences, accepting that it will be different for everyone - but it's certainly not a woman's fault if she has an awful time.

(And qualify giraffe images with the disclaimer that not everyone feels like that... :) )

Its fine being honest quite but another trying to scare monger. life is hard enough IMO to be negative.

I hate all this 'My birth was more painful than yours' rubbish. Everyone is different and has different pain thresholds.

I must admit I did giggle at fetching a midwife with longer fingers

I'll forgive your laughing. I can laugh now although 14 years ago when it was happening I wasn't impressed and just wanted them to get it done. She could have brought inspector gadget for all I cared :)

I'm glad you feel a bit better.

once it started I was very calm, and my body, not me got on with it.

Knitted that's exactly how it felt for me too. All I could do was focus on breathing and sort of let my body get on with it. I remember the midwife saying she needed one more push from me and I replied that there was no point me trying because I couldn't push like my body could and I had to wait for it to happen. It was completely and utterly involuntary for me - conscious me need not have turned up.

We'll that's a bit silly really as your experiences are just yours, unique.

Out of my 4 births 2 were very painful, 1 moderate and 1 like a bad period pain. All totally different regarding duration and experience.

Op I think you need to tell friends that noone on earth can predict another's pain/experience of childbirth.

That would be the truth right there. Not recounting yours.

Sorry op last but came out wrong, I meant of course you have the right to recount yours but it's just yours Iycwim.

OK! Will try not to use giraffe/sofa/cat analogies!

This has been seriously informative. I didn't realise that so many were nervous about labour. As for my own expectations I was blithely unaware and then when the moment arrived was .

If anyone asks I will ask which version do they want. If they say the truth well...

jelly just google imaged roman birthing stool. Yikes! They look like wooden torture commodes.

I have told people the truth - that for me it hurt like buggery and it took days and explained that Ds was back to back. But only when they asked.I also told them epidural was the best thing that ever happened to me.
People told me lies- it was fine, not that bad. Afterwards they admitted it hurt like fuck and some of them had epidurals they forgot to tell me about. I remember feeling like such a wuss that other people seemed to have found it a piece of piss and I found it excruciating. I wish they'd told me the truth.

My births were both traumatic - they struggled to get one baby out and a year later the 2nd baby was prem and wouldn't stay in. But I don't tend to go into the gory details too much with pregnant women - but I do say that even though my births were a bit tricky my medical care was amazing and I do emphasis that part.

Infact I would ask someone which version they wanted and I would add, if they feel like they want someone to talk to afterwards or feel traumatised its perfectly normal and give them directions.

too many women feel awful and feel bad for feeling awful and worry at home alone without realising, actually thousands of women feel same way and there are loads of places you can contact for help.

• squatcher Tue 29-Jul-14 17:09:16

I am sure its like this though for 100% of women, your mind doesnt birth the baby your body does.

all you can do with your mind is control how you feel about the whole thing. calm or panicky, that baby is coming out....nothing to do with how you feel....which is why I am agaisnt breathing baby out stuff.

they dont clearly separate the two, you weren't calm therefore your baby got stuck.

bull shit.

I say be honest.

I mean they are adults. If they were asking me about my experiences I would tell them.

Why would they ask if they didn't want to know?

Unless they live under a rock they have already got to know its not always lovely.

So I'd assume the ones who want blissful ignorance wouldn't ask for your experience.