to be honest about childbirth...

[burgatroyd]

If first time mums ask me I am honest. One was so shocked she avoided contact me for awhile. I'm not gross, just honest.
Should one lie to first time mums?

But horrific giraffe similes don't soften the truth! Of it shocked a woman so much she didn't want to talk to you afterwards, she obviously didn't find it very funny!

Pregnant women are well aware that birth is likely to be painful. I tell them it's nothing like it is on tv or in films, that everyone's experiences are different, that drugs are available if you want them but you might not. And I recommend good, informative books. I hate it when people say 'take all the drugs, it's horrific' - that may be their experience, it isn't everyone's. I got told horrible, awful things about labour in my first pregnancy and I wish I'd told those people to fuck off.

I am honest, I had three very different births so I think it makes the point of you never know what will happen or how it will be. I had one failed ventous & forceps delivery with multiple stitches. One hour long delivery with no pain relief and a long but manageable delivery with no interventions but diamorphine. Just shows how different each birth can be.

Giraffe and bowling ball similes are hardly the truth

I think it was a pretty mean thing to say, TBH.

Did you not notice how uncomfortable she was as you were regaling her with giraffe similes?

There are a small handful of subjects which I don't think you should joke about - death, taxes, paedophilia, racial hatred - and someone's fear of unbearable pain is one of them.

Notso they might be the truth for the OP. As plenty of posters have said before, no two births feel the same, mine certainly didn't.

If I was asked to be completely honest about how giving birth felt for me then I wouldn't hold back, but I'd stress that it was just my individual experience. The only warning that I'd give a first time mother is that the baby will not have read the birth plan!

I'm honest but encourage other mums to be positive as if you are going natural a positive approach can really help. I found hypnobirthing cd very good and had some excellent prep from a mw at my local mlu. She talked me through breathing and trying not to be afraid of contractions (this was with my second after a horrible first birth) and it did make all the difference.

I wouldn't discuss the after bits, save that until after they have their baby

I don't know why people put so much emphasis on birth and how awful it is, the baby has to come out somehow and in my opinions that's not the worst bit - the bit where they hand you your baby wrapped like a perfect little burrito and say 'its time to go home now' is the worst bit :)

It's was shit for me lots of bleeds and I had to have a stich ECt however everyone is different my mates kids slid out she was home and cooking stew with in 4 hours

I don't lie. I was lucky and had two good births with quick second stages, no pain relief except one unasked for shot of pethidine with dc 1. Hands on heart I have had worse period pains than childbirth.

I think YABU - I got so many horrible birth stories told at me (I am sure that at no point did I indicate an interest in hearing them - I was trapped, either literally in my office, or by manners/sympathy when it was friends doing it). It put me off the whole thing for years and I concluded it is mostly about the storyteller making themselves feel better or (in a few cases) enjoying the drama. In the end it wasn't that bad at all!

But what good does it do scaring the crap out of people?

Whats the good of dressing up it up with whale music and candles, when actually your going into battle and may come out traumatised?

I know of only two people who have had good labours, all the rest would have died a century ago.

Forwarned is foradmed.

What annoyed my about the Caitlin Moran birth stories is that second time round it was all "I prepared and did x,y and z so it was wonderful".

People like to think you can guarantee a good birth with the right preparation. You can't.

After my dc was born, I asked my best friend why she hasn't warned me how horrific it was.

She in a quiet voice said "she hadn't wanted to scare me".

If someone asks me for honesty then I tell them the truth.
My own truth is that yes, it hurts, that has to be accepted and expected under the circs but it can be managed with and sometimes without drugs (WITH is better:)).

My dsis is very needle,blood,pain phobic and I answered her questions honestly but gently and she said it made her feel better, which I was quite surprised at.

I do wish someone had told me quite how much blood is involved
I found the opposite to you - I was surprised at how little immediately after my births.
I remember when pregnant with my 1st - you used to get a big white book from the midwife and it had pictures of actual labour inside. I used to look at those pictures in absolute terror. I wanted to stuff the bloody book up the authors arse sideways after I'd given birth and it was nothing like it, at all.

Gosh, I see what you mean and it's true that you can't guarantee a good birth with a positive attitude, but she's explaining that her terror the first time around and subsequent refusal to prepare for birth at all did contribute to how bad it was whereas going in the second time with more knowledge and understanding made it better. Being terrified about labour WILL make it worse - which isn't to say that being confident will make it easy or prevent things from going wrong.

And knitted neither of my labours were anything like going into battle, not at all. Not in the slightest. And I know very few people who have experienced an emergency that could have killed them. Forewarned is not forearmed if by that you mean telling pregnant women that birth is a battle - there is every chance it won't be like that for them. Pregnant women need information - not sugar coating of course but also not horrifying.

I'm on the fence with this one.

On one hand, it was your experience, and no one is going to have exactly the same experience.

On the other hand, I think a lot of damage is done to women who genuinely think that a scented candle and some deep breathing is all that is required, because sometimes it won't be enough.

I'm honest if someone asks me a specific question. It happens a lot actually, as DD was taken to NICU for reasons that were related to labour, and people seem to want to know why she was ill and what happened.

But I do try and put a positive spin on it. Honesty is good - for some women it will be the most unbelievably painful thing that happened to them and nothing about the experience (bar the baby at the end) will be what they consider good. But you don't want to terrify them shitless, especially if they are pregnant

• not sugar coating of course but also not horrifying

Ha! Labour was horrifying for so many women I know...utterly horrific. Your very very lucky if in all the circles of your friends they all had great experiences!

I am pulling mine from close friends, wider circle and then looser circles like my NCT group and toddler groups.

Women on here mostly moan about how awful it was and they didn't realise, not how great it was....and they were told it would be awful.

Its said labour can leave you with a trauma akin to coming back from war, hence the battle metaphor.

More and more women are finding its OK to say it was horrific and are not being shamed into pretending it was a breeze which is great. Too many feel like failures because they are lied to by friends not wishing to horrify them and this is backed up with NCT breathe baby out with candles and massage....

The reality of birth comes, and they feel - what the fuck? It should have been so amazing and yet it was fucking horrific....what did I do wrong.

they did nothing wrong except listen to the culture around CB in this country and get sold a lie.

For my first DC, I stayed 'blissfully ignorant' so when the contractions got really bad, I thought I was going to die. I was not prepared at all. 1st time mums need to know that they are going to feel like they are splitting in half.

that drugs are available if you want them but you might not
Not true, epidurals are not as available as a choice as we are led to belive.

Agree windchime, for me it was beyond horrendous.

The only way I could describe it to my DH was like: I am going to pay for some local heavies to grab you unawares, pref after three nights of no sleep ( usually contractions keep you awake for a few days before estb. labour starts) then they will torture you, for hours, with no idea when it will end...when you think the pain is at its worse and you are begging to die and you can't take it anymore....guess what, It Gets worse and worse and worse.

My 'friend' was 'honest' when I told her I was pregnant she has no kids but she works in a hospital so decided to share her most horrific birth anecdotes but she didn't temper that with acknowledgement that not all births end with hideous pain and permanent damage...

So as long as honest is not an excuse to be scaremongering...

I have experienced three very different births if I was honest then I would be reassuring, but I also have to acknowledge that my anecdotes are not the whole birthing story. I had a positive home birth and a positive hospital birth and a hospital birth I hated but resulted in a healthy baby so I was happy with that. I can say that it hurts cos I only had gas and air for no 2, that I hated an epidural but some love them, that a birth pool was great pain relief but I wanted to birth on dry land...

My honest story of my birth experience is only a tip of an iceberg and as long as I don't claim to have all the answers then my version of the truth is as valid as anyone's.

I think the culture is the opposite really, I heard loads of horror stories when pregnant and none of them helped me prepare. I don't think many women expect it to be amazing - I think childbirth is definitely represented as painful in most depictions. But that doesn't mean it's necessarily traumatic, though of course it can be.

I'd never tell a woman that a scented candle would help and I never had it suggested to me.

I know people who had bad experiences, but not many for whom it was actually life threatening. I know plenty of people who found it ok - hard, but not horrendous. I know a couple of people who found it good and some who had home births that went very well along with some who had induction, forceps, emergency sections...lots of variation.

Your very lucky Jelly I would have lost 6 close friends.

What can one say, ones horrific - scaremongering birth story - is actually their reality..that happened to be horrific .

MrsFrumble unless the OP has actually given birth to a giraffe then then it's not really anything anyone can relate to is what I meant by it being not the truth.
When I read the title I imagined OP talking about birth in graphic detail, not using unhelpful similes.

Knitted, I agree. I was told plenty of mucky stories. I was glad I wasn't shielded from the truth. So what? For many is a glory story. Do the majority of pregnant women not want to be told that its blinking painful, even though they already know this?

The woman who didn't speak to me also didn't like how I described bf. Later on she told me that she was glad I was honest about this as HV kept telling her that if it was painful she was doing it wrong, etc.