to be honest about childbirth...

[burgatroyd]

If first time mums ask me I am honest. One was so shocked she avoided contact me for awhile. I'm not gross, just honest.
Should one lie to first time mums?

I heard lots of horror stories when I was pregnant but then again I don't think I was under any illusion that labour didn't really really hurt - is anyone seriously? But then I'm quite a pragmatic person, I wanted to go in as prepared as I could be (though I was quite prepared for my birth plan etc to go out of the window, which it did).

I think it's best to tailor your account of your birth to the audience. If someone is clearly terrified then you are as reassuring as you can be, if someone is asking lots of questions, then you go into a bit more detail etc. There's no need for full on gory descriptions unless they are requested.

As labour is such an all-encompassing, vivid, and unique experience - I think many women feel the need to recount it - it's cathartic and it helps. But save that for your closest friends who've been there too, not anxious pregnant women.

Not fair to inflict my emotional baggage (and I was so badly treated it horrifies experienced midwives when they hear my story - massive issues regarding consent and all sorts) on women who are going to have to get their baby out somehow or other

You see I totally disagree, I want to know.

My first so called straight forward labour was too much for me....there is no guarantee on this earth I would have had another - my second could have been a horror story too....so I couldnt take that risk and had an ELC which was amazing for me.

I dont agree with hiding things....this is what is helping to feed into the myth that most births are OK when they are not, then women dont understand why they didnt breathe baby out to scented candle like all these other women supposedly did....

women thinking they are failures, that they didnt experience this idealistic birth....they need to know - birth is not like that.....they are not failures and the more realistic version is nasty.

It is very informative that people find this such a sensitive subject. In fact this is one of those situations that in RL women I've met are really, graphically honest! Agree that its not on to go up to pregnant woman and scare the heck out of her but if asked... Well... What can one say? Some descriptions on this thread alone are more graphic. Perhaps it was the humour i used, or rather bad analogy?

miaow

did you at least contact PALS to tell them of your experience to try and help other women after you?

That was a bit x post with knitted and it did not in any way mean to trivialise your experience which sounds traumatic. I'm sorry you have had such a difficult time and I liked the way you wrote your post and how you treat currently pregnant women.

And to be honest many use humour to make a situation manageable. Its not all in bad taste. Comedy sometimes is the best antidote.

I would want to know if hospital had bad rep. I would want to be prepared.

If someone is clearly terrified then you are as reassuring as you can be

I was one of the most terrified first timers you could have ever met....I have a fear of birth and I wanted to know, glossing over it and not having any idea of the pain would not have helped me at all. thankfully someone gave me pretty good yard stick of what sort of pain levels to expect and this helped me.

My fear did not slow my birth down it was pretty quick apparently at 5 hours est labour.

I'm all for education and information, but I think it should be given factually and not from a biased point of view.

And if someone said what happens in vegas stays in vegas I'd be like WTF! Is it so horrific it's unmentionable? If people purposely don't tell the truth you wonder why and fear the worse. I know I would.

Sorry but I'm not a robot. If someone asks me what my labour was like I can only say from my POV

They know the truth - they're not stupid

disagree jelly, until someone actually gave me pain yardstick just saying with a laugh or look it will hurt means nothing no one is expecting THAT level of pain.

No one has ever asked me but if they do I will say which version do you want!

I will be trying to get my DD to have sections though.

yabu, as you are only sharing YOUR perception of it

I has really nice and easy birth with DS2, and he was 9.5lbs!!!!

noone beleiived me but it was really easy!!

Perhaps your fear went the other way then knitted and using the fight or flight hormone pathway, your body chose "fight". Ie. get on and do it! It just goes to show it's so different for everyone. I would say though a lot of bodies choose "flight". Ie run away, labour stops or is slow to start.

fromparis well whose experience should I have used when asked what my labour was like?

fromparis what was your labour with dc1 like?

Touché burgatroyd. There are many shitty things to say to a pregnant woman, in the guise of humour.

I guess I really didn't get that people could be so upset by this? I asked as often have a giggle amongst pregnant women and mothers. Perhaps the pregnant women are recoiling in horror inside.

They definitely are, tocophobia (extreme fear of contractions) is actually a recognised anxiety disorder.

OK, another bad joke... I think it was Marion Keyes who said it was like shitting out a sofa. Dear goodness, can you imagine being pregnant and coming across that line! You might not be able to sleep for weeks (actually the baby would be responsible for that)

It totally depends on your experience! My first labour was tiring, but I actually quite enjoyed it even though I needed some intervention. I tend to be honest that it wasn't what I had wanted, but that it was still a good experience. But I think that's actually valuable advice. I wouldn't tell them about DDs decels and the emergency button being pressed, so a gillion different midwives all ran in panicked. I also wouldn't mention all the puking and dehydration, endless latent phase, needing and drip and the amount I pissed myself. Because that's not valued to them and it's way too personal to be valid.

Marian Keyes has never given birth.

I find that, and the bowling ball through the nostrils, unhelpful images because the rectum can't stretch to accommodate a sofa and the nostrils don' either. Vaginas are pretty amazing and impressive things that can stretch to fit a penis or a baby through (you couldn't get a willy up your nose, could you?). It hurts getting that baby through but it's not impossible like those similes suggest. And the pain varies from birth to birth.

jellystrawberries I feel humbled! You're like my serious biology teacher who gave me a stern look and a lecture at my willy doodles.
You say vagina. I say mimzi.
That says it all really.

jelly I say that with utmost respect! Are you also the type of mother who can silence aerrant child with a stern look?
(Building up a mental image)

Also now imagining willy up my nose