to be honest about childbirth...

[burgatroyd]

If first time mums ask me I am honest. One was so shocked she avoided contact me for awhile. I'm not gross, just honest.
Should one lie to first time mums?

I don't think it is a lot of help. I had very easy births. I would hate to be pregnant again but loved the birth part! I am honest about breast feeding because it didn't come naturally to me or the baby, as I thought it would. We needed help until we 'got' it- then it was easy.

I had a relatively easy birth with ds as I never had any contractions. It was all a bit of a surprise though as my waters broke 10 days early and they were meconium stained so my nice home water birth never happened - I had an emergency c-section instead, but it was all pretty calm and straightforward. I had a horrible experience with dd, made a few bad calls had a crappy unengaged midwife, and dh and I seriously fell out, oh and I had another emergency c-section.

Breastfeeding on the other hand was straightforward with both of them, no significant pain or issues. I have in the past tried to focus more on the what worked well/what did I wish might have happened differently, so that I give useful advice rather than just a story. However I don't know many pregnant women and my children are teens so I doubt I'd be asked about either birth or breastfeeding now. I expect by the time my children have babies (if they do) I'll have forgotten it all and give them some very distorted stories! dh and I already have very different recalls.

I nearly didn't have dcs because the horror stories women insisted on telling me (even after being told I'd rather not hear them) put me off. I think that in some instances (I'm not saying all) the stories improve with the telling and things get exaggerated.

My birth was painful, but strangely enjoyable. I had ventouse, which is a fairly unpleasant experience, but very bearable. Breastfeeding only hurt when the latch was wrong. The rest of the time it was a wonderful way to bond and I enjoyed it.

I am very angry at all those people who did their best to put me off child birth. Without their unasked for input I would have had a family 10 year earlier, and had more dcs. For my part I tell childless friends the truth from my perspective, which is don't expect to breathe the baby out, but similarly don't expect it to be horrendous. It really isn't. It is amazing. A bit like winning the London marathon. Gruelling, painful, but the an unbeatable and memorable experience.

I would always tell women they might need help bfing because it can be really hard and I recommend Lansinoh. My second baby fed perfectly from birth but I still felt sore from the constant suckling, despite 14 months experience with DS1. I don't say it felt like my nipples were being chewed off by an angry shark or anything though and that's my point - honesty is fine, graphic and brutal imagery less so. I think it's best to save your 'glory story' for experienced mothers and be sensitive to pregnant women. It's not 'shielding them from the truth', it's being tactful. They know the truth - they're not stupid. I hate the patronising 'well, she needs to know it's not all whale music and breathing' because you know what? She does know. What she needs is information, support and confidence. Not mental images that will traumatise her. Acknowledgement that pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and mothering is different for everyone, can by unbearably hard or refreshingly simple - here are some tips about what worked for me, good luck. Why would anyone say otherwise to a pregnant woman?

I don't have DC (would like them, but obstacles /haven't given up hope though) and I partly wish people were more honest. I wouldn't tell a heavily pregnant woman an absolute horror story if there is nothing she could do to prevent it. As long as people know first time round that experiences differ widely I think honesty is ok. Just gauge how much they want to hear.

When it comes to birth in general though, I feel that I am in the dark as to what goes on. I am convinced that I would not be able to give birth. It just wouldn't happen - and the baby would get stuck somewhere - too late for a C-section but can't get out!! I'm not joking at all, I am 95% certain though I've not asked any medical staff. I've had uterine procedures where the doctor has been all ''gosh, really struggling here, you've got incredibly strong pelvic floor muscles...never had this problem before''. She was about to abandon it and re book for a general anaesthetic, then thank goodness she succeeded. To be fair, all they gave me before was one painkiller. So, is it fair to say that no baby giraffes are going down that route?

The only people I know close enough to ask have all had C-sections. And probably weren't freaks like me!

temporaryusername, my uterus is back to front and tilted the wrong way, plus my cervix 'hides' (no idea where it hides, the little bastard, but that's what relevant medical staff always say). I had DS vaginally, he was back to back and had his head tilted. He managed to get out :)

I had an emergency section with my next and a planned section with my third. DC3 was stuck, even though I was having a section. He was fully engaged (head right down in my pelvis) but had his legs virtually straight and pushing against the top of my womb so there was no wiggle room. They had to rummage around a bit and I was bruised afterwards but he got out too.

I do have a point here, I promise. My point is that it would be very unusual for a baby to get stuck to the point that they couldn't get it out at all. Plus when you're pregnant your body releases a hormone that relaxes all of your joints, muscles and ligaments, including those in your pelvic floor, to make room for the growing baby and yo help the baby get out at the end.

I hope you get around your obstacles

I have a bicornate uterous and ds was transverse oblique. They only discovered this after my waters had broken and when they were just about to induce me. The consultant said there was no way he would have come out, so they sliced me open instead. It was all fine really :) With dd I had a failure to progress, so they did a c-section then too. Her head was all moulded so she'd obviously got some distance. I don't think that babies can really get stuck as if they are worried they will go to c-section pretty quickly. I don't think that strong pelvic floor muscles would be an issue, but it's worth asking a midwife.

temporary the baby will find a way to get out! Baby won't get stuck!
Its like a rollercoaster ride. Scary and thrilling and gut churning during the ride but once you've done it you're all of wow! Or perhaps in no great hurry to get back on the ride.
There's no getting around it this. For the majority of folks its !@&I©¥

And I'm sorry if I scared anyone with anything in my post.

All three of my births were different and while there were difficult parts (both physically and emotionally) every single one of them had positive moments, even the emergency section had lovely moments.

I'm always happy to answer questions people might ask me. I judge for myself how much detail I think the person wants based on what they've asked, who they are, etc but I always try to give a balanced view too. For example when someone I know asked me if labour hurt I told her truthfully that yes, I felt that it did but the contractions for me started off mild and got gradually stronger and it was only towards the end that they really hurt. But I explained that I had gas and air which helped and if I'd wanted stronger drugs I could have had them. I also pointed out that people have different tolerances for pain but, again, that's why there are drugs.

When we were doping the hospital visit before the baby was born one midwife told us that the reason why the windows could not open very widely was to stop women leaping out of them due to the pain.

That was really not helpful.

Best piece of advice I got was 'it really fucking hurts'. To the point.

temporary you could have an argument for an elective CSection if you speak to your doctor about it early enough.

Temporary
Although my pelvic floor isn't quite what it used to be pre-dc I do give Dr's and Nurses a bit of a headache when getting smears or examinations. My womb is tilted, apparently I'm longer than average inside and I tend to involuntarily clamp.
The only issues I've had are - I need a longer speculum and when I gave birth to my last the midwife trying to break my waters was tiny her fingers couldn't reach my cervix so she had to enlist the help of another MW with longer fingers :)
My point - I've given birth 3 times vaginally with no problems.
Above poster makes a good point about the role hormones play in helping your body and I've also had midwives say a strong pelvic floor will assist you in pushing the baby out.

When I was pregnant with DC my SIL had a baby 9 wks before my due date. She and MIL delighted in telling me how horrific childbirth was. SIL managed ten hours with no pain relief at all. All of the staff were amazed as no one has ever withstood The Pain for so long without pain relief. It was all around the hospital that she was doing it without pain relief. No one could believe it. By the end of the ten hours the midwife was begging SIL to please have an epidural, even though she was coping very well with The Pain, because she (the midwife) was uncomfortable with the way SIL was managing The Pain without drugs, it was like watching torture apparently. SIL consented to an epidural. When she got to the postnatal ward there were doctors and nurses from other wards coming to visit her because it had gotten around the hospital that someone had went ten hours with no pain relief. No one could believe it so they were coming to see for themselves.

Bull.

Shit.

That should say DC1

This is my honest experience - it was 4 days as he was bacm to back and it was hard work but I used a tens machine and 2 doses of co-codamol and it wasn't particularly painful.

I take it that is v different to your experience.

The post birth was harder imo - but that is just my experience.

If your birth was v traumatic I would say that and let the person press you further - or edit it.

imo being scared during labour can be counter productive also so traumatising someone who may be more sensitive than yoyrself prior to birth may not help - so warning that it is not a lovely birth story prior to telling it (giving it a pg certificate) might be best - I wouldn't want to hear it prior to birth - was well aware of all the things that could go wrong but presented in a factual way rather than a verbal dramatisation.

I'm always honest but I had two really positive experiences.

I'm honest about my first birth (second was ELCS) in that I'll give brief details about what happened, but I'm also careful to emphasise that there wasn't anything I could have done to change the outcome.

bearfrills you haven't scared me!

Call me a sicko but I like hearing detailed birth stories.

I called in a cafe for a bacon sandwich to take away, on the way to hospital when I was in labour. The woman serving me to great delight in telling me 'it absolutely kills' 'that's why I only had one' etc. No need for it. It didn't bother me , I knew the baby had to come out one way or another, and I was going in with an open mind but that could have terrified somebody else.

If someone asks what it's like, then I'm all for telling them, but unsolicited warnings to someone in labour aren't on.

OP I think if you want humour regarding birth then maybe a new joke, like "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas", would be apt for you. I can not believe you likened it to a baby giraffe scraping it's hooves. What a terrible analogy.

It is pretty bad, I agree! I did prefer Moran's cat stuck in a cervix. Let's face it, unless you had a lovely slinky labour most analogies are going to be a bit but would a comment like that traumatise you?

But should one be honest about own experience?

ASK THEM, say do you want my true account and feelings or the watered down version! let the listener have the choice, plenty out there do not want to know and plenty need to know and want to know.

I even try to keep it neutral discussing the local hospitals

why!

One local one that I have heard constant beyond the pail horror stories from I have told people its awful and years later its in special measures slapped all over local news, dreadful hospital, why would I wish anyone to put their lives in the place?

Not me personally, but I know of many people it would... Plus it would probably set my mind into overdrive. I think the baby has to come out one way or another over thinking it is not going to make it any easier and for some women (over thinking, fear) it could really inhibit them and actually cause a slow or stalled labour.

I, when asked, usually say it's quite full on, but nothing you can't handle and in the grandscheme of your life- (70 plus years) it's one amazing, memorable day.