to be honest about childbirth...

[burgatroyd]

If first time mums ask me I am honest. One was so shocked she avoided contact me for awhile. I'm not gross, just honest.
Should one lie to first time mums?

I didn't have a scented candle exactly as there were no exposed flames allowed, but I had aromatherapy and found it was very helpful.

I never tell the hideous, possibly scary stuff -after all every labour is different. I do tell the stuff that nobody told me - midwife looking at your sanitary towel to check your lochia, my insides feeling like they'd bounced on the floor the first time I got out of bed after DS1 (I actually looked to see if they had! ), DH dancing round the room with a sick bowl on his head after a quick whiff of gas and air (said it was like 6 pints) and the midwife walking in! .

I tell a very different birth story to women who have given birth from the one I tell pregnant first timers.

For me it's about the purpose of the conversation - being genuinely helpful to a first timer in a sensitive way, or doing the motherhood version of competitive travel stories.

But BF doesn't hurt if the latch is right so if it's hurting you are doing something wrong

Agree with others about no point in scaring first timers. Something useful like remember to take stool softeners, or I was glad to have help at home for the first month, etc is good information though.

Chacha, I know there are a lucky few that have had this experience but so many women I know who've contained bf have suffered discomfort.

Continued!

Also it takes awhile to get latch correct and while learning, practising, nips get sore.

I'm totally honest because it was really ok. I lost it a bit around 12hrs in and thought I couldn't do it but then got hold of my breathing again and managed to stay at home with a tens till 8cm.
Luckily everything lined up ok and ds very nearly came out in the pool without any real pushing but the MWs had a bit of a panic about meconium and made me get out for the last push. One or two small stitches for a graze.
Had to stay in a few days for obs for ds cause of Rh-ve issues with ds being A+ but I healed quickly and well.

No whale music or candles but all totally ok and manageable. I know I was lucky but I don't see the harm in first timers also hoping to be lucky too.

I was very fortunate to have a chilled water birth, no pushing, just breathed my baby out. I do know this is rare and that was the birth I prepared for. I put a lot of work into teaching myself hypnosis and so on. However, I am well aware that just because I prepared for that birth, there was no guarantee, it could have ended in a hundred different ways.
I have been very honest when first time mums have asked me about my birth experience and have been consistently told, thank you, I really needed to hear a positive story.
I think it is just as bad to say it will be horrifically painful as it is to pretend it won't. I think the message to give to soon to be mums is that there are a thousand different ways a birth can go and to help them to read up on the differences. That way it won't be a shock, whatever happens, and they can make informed choices where possible.
I also agree that useful tips are a nice thing to pass on, and I know all the tips I was given, I appreciated and helped me feel a little bit more prepared.

Fair point Notso, but in that case using similes to describe the pain of childbirth is a bad idea anyway. There would no real scenario I could compare it to because I (and most other women?) have never experienced that sort of pain before.

When a neighbour friend got pregnant I offered her use of my pregnancy books and she refused, saying she didn't want to find out everything that could go wrong. Kinda weird to my mind, I always thought knowledge was power, otherwise most people wouldn't bother with prenatal classes. She also never engaged in conversation about childbirth etc. Fine, happy to talk about anything. Then she had her baby, gave me a blow by blow account if it (lovely) and kept exclaiming "why wasn't I told? How come no-one told me?". I nodded and made soothing noises, but inwardly I kept thinking, you silly billy, you would have been told if you had asked or listened and taken 5 minutes to do a bit of research beforehand. If you bunk off school & you fail the exam, don't whinge that there is a collusion to keep the Truth away from women.

My experience was CS (1 EMCS & 2 ELCS). My experiences were positive so that is what I share. Many people view CS negatively and are fearful.

I never share my birth stories on either of my children in RL, to me giving birth is easy and I have had 2 induced births. However the pregnancy was hell with server MS in the start then very big and heavy with achy hips.

I am sorry if that makes any one feel bad or that I am gloating. Rather give birth than be pregnant

not all people feel pain the same way. I would say giving birth was uncomfortable rather than painful. First baby - two paracetamol. Second/third (same time) - gas and air and I had a lovely time on that and remember thinking it was great. It was the month after that was painful!

Interesting discussion, and a subject I've thought about a lot since my traumatic birth experience. I heard plenty of horror stories before hand but even they didn't prepare me (although I did feel some 'comfort' for not being the only one, and I knew I had people to talk to candidly about it afterwards).

I tell people the truth when they ask, even those who have no children yet. The worst part of my experience was avoidable, so I hope that it will help someone in the future if they find themselves in a similar situation.

I have stopped myself talking about the details on here because I think I would get a pasting for scaring mums to be, and I totally understand that. It's different with my own friends though.

That said, I'd do it all again for the same result although I'm clinging to the idea that second births are supposed to be easier!

I think it's so important in this country that women are much more prepared, I.e. equipped with as much knowledge about what they could expect from childbirth, than many seem to currently go into it with.

Protecting new mums from the truth is far more damaging - and ignorance is absolutely more likely to lead to bad birth experiences than otherwise.

The "just take every drug going" that I was told at beginning of my first pregnancy is not helpful at all (especially as other posters have pointed out that epidurals for one are far less readily available than is popularly believed)

This does not mean that we have to compete to scare women with our "battle" stories - but yes, I am always very honest if anyone asks me because I had v positive water birth experience that I like to share (and other mums like to hear as its fairly rare)

What I would have liked to hear when pregnant was how bloody difficult the bit that comes after birth is (first few weeks with a newborn) that again is just sugar coated all the time - leaving mums feeling more isolated and like freaks that they're not loving every moment of this precious new life...

If you're telling people that it's normal for BF to hurt then there's a risk that they don't seek help to get it right and pain-free. That's not OK.

Chacha. I tell people my own experience when they ask. Actually the woman who avoided me for labour story continued to bf, despite it being painful at first as she remembered what I told her. I also gave her number for la leche league etc. I was told by nct that if I got latch right it wouldn't be painful. I kept thinking I was doing it wrong. Two friends who did extended breastfeeding told me that they'd found it painful but had managed pain with nipple cream, massaging, etc. I was reassured by their stories and continued, knowing I was not a natural expert. People who breathe baby out and find breastfeeding a cinch are lucky. I am aware that there are these scenarios but I didn't find them, particularly the latter, easy. If bf was so easy why the low rates, the nipple shields, the many creams? I get that you had a easy experience and found latching on natural. It took me awhile to learn the art and awhile for my nipples to get used to around the clock suckling.

I don't lie but I def don't share all the details either.

I tend to say, my birth went a bit wrong and they didn't have time to sort me any pain relief so it hurt more than I was expecting.... But you will be fine, take the drugs!

It's kind of honest, jokey and reassuring - I hope?! For the record ds was 4 hour labour but he got stuck and so crash team was called and I needed episiotomy and Kielland forceps, no time for any pain relief at all. Recovery took about 3 months, but I'm eternally grateful I don't have continence issues etc.

It is true if breastfeeding hurts you are doing it wrong.

I gave birth last week so it's still pretty fresh in my mind.

I loathed being told everyone's birth stories which all differed from each other. I went in wondering who's mine would be like from the stories and honestly? It wasn't like any of them. I'd gone in expecting the worst and though I won't say it's a lovely walk in the park, it is what it is. I avoided certain people for the last few weeks because their weird need to try and scare me was annoying and I felt really quite rude.

Ultimately baby needs to come out. Your body was designed to carry baby and go through birth! Complications can happen but that's why you have midwives etc. Do what you feel is best for you at the time, don't be a slave to your birth plan, know it's a matter of hours overall, and look forward to holding your little bundle of fun! The feeling of going through labour and then holding baby is wonderful.

And just to put my tuppence in...IMOE, I think water births are brilliant and gas and air is awesome.

Melissa, I don't doubt that, but would you think its fair to say that a lot of women will find it hard, do it wrong, at first?
Like with most things its rare you get things right unless you practise.
That during the practise it might hurt?
Would you be rather told as a struggling bf mum that you are doing it wrong and feel continually frustrated or that a lot of women struggle and with practise it gets easier?

No I wouldnt put up with any struggling personally. I wouldnt want to have done it wrong and have cracked nipples or it hurt or I wouldnt of bothered doing it. I think its more important that you make a big fuss and get it right before leaving hospital and dont get fobbed off

Re breastfeeding - there's always going to be a certain amount of pain while your nipples toughen up. The first week or so I had to use nipple cream to heal a cracked nipple, and they were sore, but it wasn't because I was doing it wrong.