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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be honest about childbirth...

170 replies

burgatroyd · 28/07/2014 17:34

If first time mums ask me I am honest. One was so shocked she avoided contact me for awhile. I'm not gross, just honest.
Should one lie to first time mums?

OP posts:
melissa83 · 28/07/2014 18:01

I was scared about childbirth until I started having them. I am not at all scared now Ive done it so for a lot of people it really isnt that bad.

Original poster
burgatroyd · 28/07/2014 18:02

picnic that's roughly how I explained it, yes!

OP posts:
Wailywailywaily · 28/07/2014 18:05

I listen to what they think is going to happen, if their expectations are completely unrealistic I don't burst their bubble. If they ask how it was for me I generally don't give the worst details but then mine weren't that bad at least I didn't need plastic surgery on my fanjo

MollyBdenum · 28/07/2014 18:07

I tell first time mothers the truth as I had lovely labours. One hurt less than period pains (though I've had some truly horrific period pains in the past, so that's probably not saying a lot) and one hurt a lot but this seemed to put me into a bizarre euphoric high which was what I always imagined heroin might feel like.

sparklingharbour · 28/07/2014 18:07

If you're going to be honest, then be clear that that was just your experience. Everyone's experience is different. For example my experience while classified as traumatic was actually fine for me and I was on a high after. Position/size/attitude/care etc etc etc all make massive differences from woman to woman.

LokiBear · 28/07/2014 18:07

I'm honest because I absolutely loved giving birth. Seriously. I had some quite serious complications, didn't dilate properly and spent several hours breathing through contractions that lasted for a minute and came every minute. It did hurt a lot, DD was back to back, my blood pressure was all over the shop and I needed constant monitoring so was strapped to the bed. So, when the midwife said 'you aren't dilating, worst case scenario is that you will need a section so I'd recommend you have an epidural so that if you do need a section we can move quickly' I did as I was told. I only topped it up once an hour so I could still feel everything and they were able to give me something to help me dilate. I was able to deliver naturally in the end. Giving birth was brilliant. It was painful, the low dose epidural helped and I'm glad I had it do that they could intervene. Afterward the pain was forgotten and I felt like superwoman!

MollyBdenum · 28/07/2014 18:08

Around people who've had bad birth experiences, I tend to keep quiet unless asked.

LizzieMint · 28/07/2014 18:10

I'm honest about mine, but then I had three quick easy labours which I (honestly) quite enjoyed.
What did piss me off when I was pregnant with my first was the number of people who downright scoffed when they heard I planned a home water birth. No doubt they thought they were managing my unrealistic expectations. But you know, for some people it really is a nice, peaceful experience.

Original poster
burgatroyd · 28/07/2014 18:10

I said it felt like a baby giraffe scraping its little hooves to get out. Seriously, was this too much?

OP posts:
MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 28/07/2014 18:11

People asked me after having DD whether it hurts (the first from my friendship group to have a baby so everyone was curious), I always answered honestly - yes, but nothing I couldn't deal with.

The same when people ask if induction hurts and whether it's true that you'll automatically need an epidural with a drip induction - I tell them that a lot of people do, but I didn't feel I needed one.

My top advice would be if you feel like you need a poo, tell the midwives. I ended up holding DD in for ages as I thought she was a poo.

MrsCakesPremonition · 28/07/2014 18:11

I am honest about my experience. But I generally start by saying that I found it a wonderful, uplifting, empowering experience and then asking them if they want to leave it there or if they want all the gory details. I don't exaggerate the drama or interventions, or the medical problems I had in late pregnancy, but I won't whitewash it either. I try to be factual and positive. But if that doesn't chime with what they want to hear....well they shouldn't have asked me to continue.

Original poster
burgatroyd · 28/07/2014 18:11

Lizziemint I feel you on that one!

OP posts:
hazelnutlatte · 28/07/2014 18:13

I spent most of my time on the labour ward watching dvd's on a laptop and annoying the midwife by asking to go to the toilet every 10 mins (was hooked up to IV drips in both arms plus had continuous monitoring so I needed help).
It was not traumatic. Neither was the emcs they eventually gave me. So yes I'm honest if anyone asks me, even though their experience of labour and birth is unlikely to be much like mine was!

melissa83 · 28/07/2014 18:14

Totally agree lizziemint.I have had all water births to and they are brilliant. I knew I wanted them from the start and wanted to do it naturally. I would recommemd water births to anyone.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 28/07/2014 18:14

Caitlin Moran described both her births which were very different experiences in her book. She gave a balanced portrayal - a 'bad birth' and a 'good birth'. So any first time mum reading could get the idea that birth can be awful or it can be easy. That's helpful, imo.

I honestly don't think it's particularly helpful to play it for laughs with a first timer. Yes, experienced mothers can joke and employ dark humour regarding birth and the after-effects but for someone approaching their first birth, I think it's best to be sincere and encouraging. They're likely to be anxious and afraid. I like to suggest lots of sources of information and give an honest account that my first birth was great but it's not always like that for everyone so be prepared.

OBEM never rings particularly true for me, I didn't have an experience like any I've seen on there but obviously it is some people's experience. Obviously they pick the more dramatic and interesting ones I guess - mine were both more boring (for spectators, that is - I wasn't bored!).

May09Bump · 28/07/2014 18:16

I just say mine labour was awful and very long, probably mismanaged by the hospital and I should had demanded more decisive action (was too drugged up and sleep deprived to control it properly). I wouldn't go into details, but say to make sure you have someone with you (not also sleep deprived) who can help you decide when surgical intervention is needed.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 28/07/2014 18:17

And I definitely don't relate to the giraffe simile - it was nothing like that for me and I wouldn't have appreciated the imagery before giving birth the first time either.

Meggymoodle · 28/07/2014 18:17

I do wish someone had told me quite how much blood is involved - I was quite shocked when I went for a shower afterwards, looked in the mirror and saw what looked like the survivor of a medieval sword fight.

CallMeExhausted · 28/07/2014 18:18

I don't share my birth experiences with first time mums - ever.

Mine were very out of the ordinary (58 hours of labour and emergency section first time, I "coded" and they had to call in the crash cart and resuscitate me with my youngest).

No first time mum needs to hear that.

Original poster
burgatroyd · 28/07/2014 18:19

Often people use humour to soften the truth! We all know, even those who've had excellent births, that a natural birth can be painful. Loud labours feature in sitcoms, films.
Some people might describe it reverently. Others with an element of humour. I didn't think it was such a sensitive subject.
I was often told to take very drug going as a first time mum.

OP posts:
impatienceisavirtue · 28/07/2014 18:20

I'm honest. My first child was a brutal birth, both of our lives were very much at risk and I was ill for ages and needed follow up surgery.

If I'm asked I'm honest. But then point out that despite it going such a bad way, which isn't that common, I still went on to do it a couple more times and am desperately TTC for another - which I think for some can be better than just saying 'awww no it'll be fine love' when most people are aware that it isn't always.

Bunbaker · 28/07/2014 18:20

I would be honest about mine because I had a pretty easy time of it compared to most women. I would have appreciated more honesty about how many weeks it takes before the lochia disappears (and how heavy it can be) and how hard it is to get a new baby to latch on. It wouldn't have put me off, but it wouldn't have made me feel a failure because DD didn't want to feed to start with.

VashtaNerada · 28/07/2014 18:23

I say a very careful "it's different for everyone... just make sure you know your pain relief options so you can decide on the day". Which is honest without saying OW IT HURTS LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE!!!!!!

Azquilith · 28/07/2014 18:23

I tell people it's fine and not to worry about. No-one's ever rung me up half way through to say I'm a cow.

Strokethefurrywall · 28/07/2014 18:24

I'm honest about my experiences but again, had very easy, non-traumatic childbirths.

I don't think it serves anyone well to terrify them with horror stories, nor does it serve to sugar coat it.

You can only be honest about your own birth experience because everyone's experience is different. Hell, my own 2 births were different!

The way I thought about it was "childbirth is painful and I can handle pain. The second pain turns into suffering, I'm getting the drugs" - first birth I was able to cope with the pain and never felt out of control, second one baby needed to be closely monitored so I had the epidural.

There's a difference between giving a brutally honest (read: terrying!) opinion and a "realistic" one.