To feel miffed by guests behaviour on the weekend?

[lill72]

We have just moved house and finally have a lovely garden. As it was a hot night, we invited some friends around for a BBQ to our new house. We were excited to have them round and share our new place. When they left ,I just felt upset and slightly insulted by their behaviour.

When they walked in, they didnt make any comment on the house. I don't want over the top - but a comment would have been nice. They just asked - do you like the area better etc. They didnt ask to be shown around, but then asked me a comment about DDs bedroom, which alerted me to the fact they had been snooping in the room whilst on the way to the bathroom. All their comments were an attempt to try and put us down, as I don't think they like being outdone. They have no kids and live in a modern, stark, city apartment. Our house is the opposite of this, so not sure if they just didnt like it. But hey a comment would have been nice.

They also always bring their own drinks. No problem there. But they always refuse to drink yours. It is as if they aren't good enough. DH went and bought some lovely white wine, but they just had a sip, then went back to their wine. There was nothing special about theirs.

My DH also bought some lovely ribeye, as they are very fussy about food and the guy is a trained chef. This trained chef is the fussiest eater i know and does not like fat in meat, so cut around the ribeye, making a dogs breakfast of it and didn't eat half of it. He knew it was good quality and said he felt bad not eating it, but it was insulting and childish I thought not to just eat it.

I get the feeling that they are most comfortable in their own home, with their wine and their food. Nothing else is ever good enough. We went to an effort and it was just chucked in our face I thought. They are never gracious and very thankful. Very very hard to please. So much to the point that despite the fact that we like them -well the guys anyway (i have never liked the wife), we just don't want to have them over again. Which would be odd, as we are friends. I would rather have people very who are more appreciative and easy going.

I also don't think they liked being upstaged at all, over anything.

Any suggestions? One thought is to always have the over with others.

Lil, what's 'The Chef's' cooking like? Is he a good cook like Nigel Slater (imo) or a 'prancer' like Jamie Oliver, sprinkling herbs at a great height... or impotent without an audience a la Gordon Ramsey?

I really want to know... do you like his food? Does he ask you endless questions about it before, during and after you've eaten it?

They sound rude tbh. You are invited over to somebody's new house for a meal so the only polite thing to do is to make lovely comments praising the new house and the food even if you don't like either. That's what nice people do. Doing anything else is just rude.
They do sound like they are competitive. My BIL is like this- never says nice things about anything we have but expects you to rave about all his shit. It is tiresome and rude.

I think this friendship has run its course

its not semantics.

One is word commonly used as a swear word, which you dislike a lot. But which has in some sense been reclaimed on MN.

The other is a word which can be, and is frequently, used to belittle women.

Not always, mind. But often.

So worth discussing any old place, specially on MN.

And I think the OP would agree we have pretty well thrashed out the issue in a polite manner.

Everyday sexism needs to be pulled up as when it appears. No harm in that.

For me, its quite simple. If you feel worse after seeing friends then don't see them as much/at all/only in certain settings

I really think that the only thing one should after eating a meal that someone else prepared is, thankyou. That said, it is worth remembering friends' likes and dislikes although in this case I think, on seeing chef pushing his steak around the plate, I'd have explained that we made a mistake on the cut of meat. They do sound a bit hard work and maybe you should arrange to meet on neutral territory in future.
I remember losing friends when our DCs were little and then when we were stupid enough to have a later-than-planned DC we were dropped quicker than the proverbial hot potato by some. We didn't fit what they wanted in friends, and to be fair they didn't fit what we wanted either.

There are some very strange people on this thread.

OP, of course you're not being unreasonable. If you're friends with someone and go to see their new house, of course you say it's lovely and (if you think they won't mind) ask if you can have a look around.

I would stop cooking for that guy altogether. I remember a previous thread about him and he would've had his last meal from me then.

As far as the wine's concerned, just buy in what they drink and leave them to it. You can always drink something different yourselves.

Your poor husband - it's horrible when you cook for someone and they push it around on the plate and make comments. No wonder he was dejected. Again, don't cook for them any more.

I do think we continue to think they will behave differently, which obviously they won't.

I think you have it - they won't behave differently, you and your husband are behaving differently to try and accommodate that, but it's still not getting the results you want.

I think you have three options:

1. To accept that they will be your 'story to tell' friends who you see every so often and then sigh with relief when the night is over, and regale other friends with the tales of their little quirks.

1. To confront them and tell them how you feel when they 'compete' with you or fail to observe the usual social niceties.

1. Ditch them, or at least limit the frequency with which you see them to once or twice a year.

It doesn't sound like you're really keen for the second option, so I am guessing that the first, seguing into the third will probably be a more viable choice.

The bit about language/ cultural issues made me laugh. Both the OP and MrChef come from Australia, where it is quite normal to refer to women as girls. I don't like it myself, but there you go.

OP, you mention MrChef being from a very different background to you and Your DH, so maybe this is part of it.

As for the Oyster Bay, blimey, it's a bit ordinary, but each to their own.

Lying - I have to say Mr Chefs cooking is good. He does put on a good meal and a darn good roast. I will say that he cooks the same things over and over so not particularly adventurous, but I don't mind as they are good. I always say how nice it is and thank him profusely, as I know he's put an effort in. He does not make a huge fuss, but the meal has to be talked about and analysed. Often as to him, it is not perfect in some way. Maybe because he is so highly crititcal of his own food is he so critical of others. I just find it tiresome when we are out especially and he is never happy with his meal. Tedious.

Mrs Chef is slightly more tiresome, as she likes to think of herself as a foodie but she really has not much clue and rides off the coat tails of Mr Chef. My Dh has more idea of food than she.

They always go on about how much they are into food and drink, which I find a bit of a bore.

Ane - we are all Australian so no cultural differences. To explain - the couple are both from fairly poor backgrounds and had pretty difficult upbringing with absent parents, etc etc for which I have full sympathy. My DH and I had relatively comfortable upbringings and went to private schools etc, so I feel like they have to prove themselves to us and everyone. The guy earns a lot of money, so I think he likes to prove tat he has moved far, far away from that background as possible. I guess these differences mean we are a bit different.

Tobias - yes I totally agree. They they just don't seem to get it.

Newt - you have a very good point. All of this discussion has made me really question our freindship is with them and how to move forward. thank you.

Mamas - thank you for understanding where I am coming from. The wife is very upfront, so sure she'd say if she wanted a look around.I am not the type of person to say 'look at my house' anyway.I did say to my hubby when he went to all this effort - why bother (before the BBQ) but yes we will not do it again and have people over that actually arent fussy and we can relax and enjoy the meal. I feel like we are cooking for a food critic when they come over.

Imperial - yes you are right. I have written about this guy before. We won't do it again! I am over them!!!

Dojo - yes I agree.

Eck - yep Oyster Bay - lovely but nothing special. I usually take it when we go to theirs as I know they won't poo poo it. I remember years ago being at a party and I gave the wife a glass of my champagne. She had it and then tipped half of it out as she said she couldn't drink it and went back to her own champagne. It is sooooooooooooooo rude!!!!! This has happened on more than one occasion. We have nice wines, but unless she picks them, they are never good enough. ugh!!!!!

Yabu I think and sounding like your expectations are too high, did you invite them to socialise or for you to show off?

Lauren - it was to see them and to share our new garden while it's sunny! I am not a show-off. In fact, I don't like people that are.

Ok fair enough I apologise, but it does seem like a lot of complaints, fair enough on the house thing but being miffed about the wine, more people would complain about guests drinking all theirs and not bringing any, I think maybe your views on them is clouding your judgment a little on some of it?

My EX H also used to pick apart and leave any steak I bought, no better how nice, some people are just funny about it

My EX H also used to pick apart and leave any steak I bought, no better how nice, some people are just funny about it

That's as may be, but it's plain RUDE to pick at or criticise food someone has made or given you.

Frankly, if I served a nice steak and someone just fussed with it and left it I wouldn't be buying them nice steak in future.

I think it is a case of they always poo poo any wine we bring to theirs, no matter how good it is and we always bring nice stuff. So when they do it in our house, it's just rude. But you know,I should be happy they drink their own as you say.

Only what they bring to eat/drink is ever good enough and that what makes me annoyed!

How do they 'poo poo' the wine you take along? ....

OnlyLovers

My DH also bought some lovely ribeye, as they are very fussy about food and the guy is a trained chef. This trained chef is the fussiest eater i know and does not like fat in meat, so cut around the ribeye, making a dogs breakfast of it and didn't eat half of it. He knew it was good quality and said he felt bad not eating it, but it was insulting and childish I thought not to just eat it

I didn't read that as he criticised he said he knew it was good quality and apologised for not eating it?

I would never take the hump if a guest couldn't eat something, especially one that aknowledged the fact it was good quality and apologised?

Well, fussy adult eaters are a bugbear of mine. Genuine allergies or phobias, fine. Just being fussy, not fine.

I'm not hugely keen on fat in meat and, left to my own devices, will cut it off. Given an expensive cut of meat at a friend's, though, I'd cut it off neatly rather than making 'a dog's breakfast of it'. I'd also eat as much as I could and not draw attention to it by apologising.

This isn't a one-off, either; the OP says 'Only what they bring to eat/drink is ever good enough.'

Honestly, I'd have stopped cooking or trying to buy wine for these rude fecks long ago.

For flip's sake, just don't ask them to yours any more if it creates this much stress! I would also like to know how they poo poo the wine

Ah, the private/government school arseache of Australia. I love the class divide of Oz, so much worse than the UK, because, they're all you know, equal.

However, OP, you infer from their backgrounds that they have something to prove, or infer from their actions that it's to do with poor backgrounds/absent parents. You keep saying "I think", imagining their motives. What do they do that makes you think this? What are they trying to prove to everyone?

Is MrChef a cashed-up bogan?

They 'poo poo' our wine by never drinking it - when we take it to theirs or when they come to ours. They have a taste perhaps but then as quick as they can get back onto theirs. Ours could be better, but it is as if they cannot be outdone! My DH ends up drinking all the wine he has brought, as they usually wont touch it.

They 'poo pooed' our wine on saturday - the guy had one sip of it and said 'nice' and the immediately asked for his wine again, which was definitely not as good as ours. Can get much clearer a message than that.

Can I just say - the ribeye was great!

Yep agreed - well and truly over serving them food and wine!!

Ahh, 'poo pooing'. I want to say it over and over and over again.