To feel miffed by guests behaviour on the weekend?

[lill72]

We have just moved house and finally have a lovely garden. As it was a hot night, we invited some friends around for a BBQ to our new house. We were excited to have them round and share our new place. When they left ,I just felt upset and slightly insulted by their behaviour.

When they walked in, they didnt make any comment on the house. I don't want over the top - but a comment would have been nice. They just asked - do you like the area better etc. They didnt ask to be shown around, but then asked me a comment about DDs bedroom, which alerted me to the fact they had been snooping in the room whilst on the way to the bathroom. All their comments were an attempt to try and put us down, as I don't think they like being outdone. They have no kids and live in a modern, stark, city apartment. Our house is the opposite of this, so not sure if they just didnt like it. But hey a comment would have been nice.

They also always bring their own drinks. No problem there. But they always refuse to drink yours. It is as if they aren't good enough. DH went and bought some lovely white wine, but they just had a sip, then went back to their wine. There was nothing special about theirs.

My DH also bought some lovely ribeye, as they are very fussy about food and the guy is a trained chef. This trained chef is the fussiest eater i know and does not like fat in meat, so cut around the ribeye, making a dogs breakfast of it and didn't eat half of it. He knew it was good quality and said he felt bad not eating it, but it was insulting and childish I thought not to just eat it.

I get the feeling that they are most comfortable in their own home, with their wine and their food. Nothing else is ever good enough. We went to an effort and it was just chucked in our face I thought. They are never gracious and very thankful. Very very hard to please. So much to the point that despite the fact that we like them -well the guys anyway (i have never liked the wife), we just don't want to have them over again. Which would be odd, as we are friends. I would rather have people very who are more appreciative and easy going.

I also don't think they liked being upstaged at all, over anything.

Any suggestions? One thought is to always have the over with others.

I got half way through this thread, saw someone implying that 'cunt' was less offensive than 'girl' and gave up on reading

I nearly fell out of bed laughing last night reading it out to DH.

Well I think YANBU
It would seem these are not your friends. It is rude IMHO to not make lovely comments about someone's new home when you're invited over.
I think I can picture the whole food and wine picky-ness too. and that can be very annoying.
Im struggling a bit with it because I've never been overly comfortable with the (all too common ime) "blaming" of a couple's cuntishness on the "wife"
But basically, I think you'd be happier if you saw less of these ppl because it seems, from your description, which I have no reason to disbelieve, that they look down their noses at you a little. Or at least, that's how you feel in their company.

Ah. Now I've rtft.
I wonder if this woman feels ostracised by you tbh.
It won't have gone unnoticed that you are comfortable in your background, that you "adore" her husband and that you don't like her.
So, maybe she can be forgiven for being afraid of being "outdone"
Anyway. Probs best to just not have them round again.
For evereyone's sake eh.

Good grief, does anyone even give a shit?

COME ON, you don't like them, they don't like you.

Chuck them.

And keep the rib eye for yourselves.

I like mine medium/rare.

Pagwatch - it can seem uncomplicated from your point of view, but you know, relationships are complicated.
Your comments are somewhat uncalled for.

lill yes thought it must be the Osso Bucco guy - it sounded such a similar thing - didn't think there could be too such fussy ex-chefs!

I agree that she probably realises you don't like her and that that is contributing to the atmosphere.

Two, not too!

The fact that you thought you were upstaging them says more about you than it does about them.

I have just read the whole thread. The amount of emotional energy you are investing into dissecting this friendship sounds the very opposite of laid back. I think I would just let the relationship run its course, friendships shouldn't take this much analysis, it's too much hard work!

Guitargirl - I am not about upstaging anyone. Ever since I met the wife, as she is ten years older than me, she has felt she is better than me for some reason and acted in this superior way towards me. This has continued the whole way along. So the thought of upstaging comes from her behaviour towards me every time I see her. It is hard not to feel like this when someone acts like this towards you and tries to build themselves up and put you down.D0n't know if that makes sense. I have no interest in upstaging anyone to be quite honest. Showing off is always something I have least admired in people.

Agree with your second post. Way too much analysing over something not worth it! I have often thought just to cut them off - it is just harder than you think as we are interconnected to other friends.

TheRealAmanda - the wife makes me uncomfortable, not the other way round. My comment above may explain a bit. Only on Saturday, she called us all 'family' and she has called me her 'best friend' in the past, which might tell you she has no idea how I really feel.

anyway 'nuff said on this all!!

YANBU.

As several people have said, it's just plain rude not to say something nice about a friend's new house. Basic good manners. I have met people like this, who can't bear to say anything positive about your life as if that would somehow have a negative impact on theirs - but you are obliged to gush about everything they do/say/have.

It's bad manners not to comment, but equally, I'd say it would be bad manners to ask to be shown around...I hate it when people ask...it's a home not a showhome. Why do people do it? So very non-U

I call people in my peer group girls and guys.

Have never seen it as offensive as this is how I class DH and myself. It would feel clunky and pretentious to call us men and women. Plus it feels prematurely aging. Perhaps it's an age thing? I'm 28 but still feel about 19.

I wouldn't call someone of my parents age (for instance ) girl and guy.

Agggh, I visited a very longstanding friend recently, 14 years, and she had just bought her first house.

I think it took me 5 minutes before I asked her to show me around, at which point I was very complimentary because her house is bloody gorgeous, her pride in it is obvious and I'm so happy for her.

Didn't realise this was rude!

luckily she has known me since I was 14 and therefore knows all my faults!

This is one of those situations where i would be very interested to hear the pov of the other woman involved tbh.
I do think its rude to not show interest in someones new home. And i think it can be rude to appear "sniffy" about ppls food and wine. But the man in this situation has done this as well as the woman. Yet she is the person you dislike. She is 10 years your senior, she has a much less priveledged background than you and and she will have noticed that you are very fond of her husband.
I think shes possibly, quite understandably, felt insecure from the start (explaining but not excusing her "superior" manner?)
Does she just have a chip on her shoulder?
Or have you just managed to help make her feel ill at ease?

TheRealAmanda - I first got to know the husband and then met the wife a couple of months later. She knew nothing of my background (as it's something I don't bring up) and we were all just going out drinking, having a good time together. She has admitted to me she did not like me at first and it took her a long time time to warm to me. In my eyes, she made an initial judgement about me, based on not knowing anything about me.
She often says this about girls she meets, so I think it is a bit her.

Another thing she always does is questioning friendships, saying I think I like them more than they like me. Did I do something to upset them etc, etc. She is very insecure and that is where I think this need to feel superior comes from. She has come from quite a poor background (possibly giving her a chip on her shoulder) and now has a very nice lifestyle, thanks to her husband. I think because of this money, she thinks she is superior and she certainly believes she is far classier and sophisticated because of this. All of which is quite tiresome.

I did notice you called the wife a 'girl' in an earlier post and now you say she's ten years older than you.
Maybe she thinks you're a little bit rude.

Cultural gertie - they're all Ozzies.

But yes I do think she has probably picked up that they don't like her and that is a factor.

Shes got a bit above herself after marrying your friend hasnt she

Is he a celebrity chef, as generally they get paid peanuts don't they, how is he funding this much better lifestyle?

Scary - he doesn't work as a chef anymore - he's in banking!

TheRealAmanda - that's about the jist of it.

Gertie -I can't believe the word girl has caused such a discussion. Must be a cultural thing. I don't actually say to anyone - 'girl' but refer to everyone as guys and girls. I just don't find it all derogatory. Us Aussies must be a bit funny like that!

You really shouldnt bother yourself making friends with women who arent good enough to share your circle of friends.
They will always know you consider yourself superior.

TheRealAmanda - She doesn't thinks I'm superior at all. I don't think she gets that from me one bit. Don't you see - she thinks she is far classier and sophisticated than me. She thinks she is superior having the money she does, the holidays they go on, the hotels they stay at, the places they eat. She is always indirectly putting down everything we do. Everything she says to me points at that. That is her being insecure in general, but not through things I say.

Hard to explain in a post, but it's the truth.

Anyway, whatever, I am boring myself banging on about this!