To feel miffed by guests behaviour on the weekend?

[lill72]

We have just moved house and finally have a lovely garden. As it was a hot night, we invited some friends around for a BBQ to our new house. We were excited to have them round and share our new place. When they left ,I just felt upset and slightly insulted by their behaviour.

When they walked in, they didnt make any comment on the house. I don't want over the top - but a comment would have been nice. They just asked - do you like the area better etc. They didnt ask to be shown around, but then asked me a comment about DDs bedroom, which alerted me to the fact they had been snooping in the room whilst on the way to the bathroom. All their comments were an attempt to try and put us down, as I don't think they like being outdone. They have no kids and live in a modern, stark, city apartment. Our house is the opposite of this, so not sure if they just didnt like it. But hey a comment would have been nice.

They also always bring their own drinks. No problem there. But they always refuse to drink yours. It is as if they aren't good enough. DH went and bought some lovely white wine, but they just had a sip, then went back to their wine. There was nothing special about theirs.

My DH also bought some lovely ribeye, as they are very fussy about food and the guy is a trained chef. This trained chef is the fussiest eater i know and does not like fat in meat, so cut around the ribeye, making a dogs breakfast of it and didn't eat half of it. He knew it was good quality and said he felt bad not eating it, but it was insulting and childish I thought not to just eat it.

I get the feeling that they are most comfortable in their own home, with their wine and their food. Nothing else is ever good enough. We went to an effort and it was just chucked in our face I thought. They are never gracious and very thankful. Very very hard to please. So much to the point that despite the fact that we like them -well the guys anyway (i have never liked the wife), we just don't want to have them over again. Which would be odd, as we are friends. I would rather have people very who are more appreciative and easy going.

I also don't think they liked being upstaged at all, over anything.

Any suggestions? One thought is to always have the over with others.

Thanks Madame/Fluffy/Humphrey - I agree. It is just polite to show good manners, etc. It is so easy to do! At someone's house, or in a post!

Lying - the problem is that it is not just rib eye. It could be anything. Every time we serve anything, he adds salt, cuts around something, leaves something on the plate. He doesn't like so many things, that it is very hard to cater for him too. Also - I must mention, whenever they come in the door, they immediately ask what's on the menu, like we are restaurant. I find this rude. It#s about sharing company, isn't it?

He does the same when we go out. Basically unless he has cooked it or it is 5 star michelin, he's not happy. If they don't pick the restaurant or the pub we go to, trust me, he will have some problem with the food. Even his wife thinks he is overly fussy.

My husband has the same views as me on this dinner. He was quite deflated afterwards, as he put a lot of effort in. We just keep trying to put an effort in and they are never happy. We give up!!! Inviting different friends from now on and changing the way we see these friends.

"Madame - I do think we continue to think they will behave differently, which obviously they won't. They come from very different backgrounds to my DH and I and this shows. "

Ouch.

Stary... Your post reminds me of a recent 'faux pas' I made with my mother who I'm very fond of but with whom I'm grinding gears with now. My mum has history of refusing help (when she really wants it offered and needed to be cajoled to accept it). I asked her to clarify and she said, "I need to be offered THREE times". Her car recently became too expensive to repair. As mine is smaller, she's always liked it and I was thinking of getting a bigger one anyway, I offered it to her. I offered it three times - and for emphasis, added that I would give it FOC or not at all... thinking this would get the job done as she has form for dragging this kind of thing out endlessly when she really wants whatever it is that is offered.

Not at all. She was mortally offended that I'd been rude and that I hadn't realise that something of such a value would need to be offered FIVE times at least.

I know you think that you don't want praise or for then to conform to your expectations, but that's what comes across in your posts.

Look at what you wrote they asked about: how your DH is doing at work (fairly standard, and implies they care what's happening), giving advice about packing services in the thought it might make things easier for you, asking details about your holiday. It's not exactly snooty is it?

My boss, who is absolutely lovely, has been recommending companies for me to use while we renovate our house. He forgets our massive pay differential and isn't trying to make me feel bad by suggesting things that are well outside of my budget.

Oh and stop calling her a girl, it's really dismissive.

I would feel comfortable and do around the guy. When he is on his own. I can tease him about his hang-ups, of which he has many. Like he is a neat freak, he cannot eat leftovers, I could go on. But he is fun and we can laugh.

But when his wife is there, he sort of becomes competitive and trying t impress, like her. And she is not so fun to chat to and just doesn't get a lot of things, so the conversations change to the ones I would have with the guy on his own. The problem is, it is weird for me and him to catch up by ourselves. On the odd occasion my DH goes out with him alone. But even if try and message him, she often replies from his phone. So i can hardly have a relationship just with him - I get both or nothing.¬

Lil... Yes, it's about sharing company, it's ALL about that, no matter what is on the plate (which is secondary). Chef sounds like a fusspot. Go out to eat (if you do) in future, let him pick around his plate there not at your home.

I'm sorry that you both feel so deflated. What do you want to do about it? Do you think that your friend will be discussing this with his wife, asking the same question? If you're good friends then I'm sure it will have jarred with all four of you and made you unhappy.

I would have to have it out with them BUT before I did that - I'd consider what my problem was with Mrs Chef because you should be prepared for points and questions made about our relationship. It's fine to meet up with the person you are most friendly with in a couple BUT it's only possible where there is companiable peace within the friendship to do that - if you don't like his wife, you won't be meeting up with him.

In that case lil if he's so hard to cater for, meet outside in a restaurant or something.

Moreis - no you have it wrong. They ask where we are going on holidays as they like to think the places they go are better. They state we must get packers to pack the whole house as to do anything less would be uncouth - we wouldnt do it ourselves surely? They ask about the job, as they want to know they are doing better than us. They ask what hotel we have stayed in, as the hotel is the most important thing to them on holiday. I could go on. It is the way they ask the questions and the tone they use all the time that I know. Hard to get this across in a post. But it is true. It is all about putting us down to build themselves up. They are very insecure people, especially the girl. They both came from rather difficult backgrounds and I think there is a bit of having to prove themselves that goes on.

Girl is not me being dismissive at all - I use it all the time. What do I say - lady , woman?? chick??

I think there's a bit of both being UR...

The way you keep singling how much you want to keep that blokes round reads like you want him

On MN you can clearly see that using girl is seen as an insult to some. Why not just stop using it on here?

Lying - I think the answer is to not have them over so much. Meet on neutral territory. And if we do feel we have to have the over, then have others over too.

I am not sure what they think. The wife was saying at the BBQ we are like family. So go figure. I am sure they would go away with comments about the night, but probably juts grumbling about the food and how good it is to be back in their sanctuary away from that old house.

I wouldnt have it out with them. I think just a bit of distance and really thinking abot how we see them is key. This night was really the straw that broke the camels back on having them over. I am just plain fed up.

When they are good, they are really good and can be great fun. But not as dinner guests.

She's a woman not a girl. By the sound of it, lady May be a bit of a stretch

Ok maybe the tone is there but then don't hang out with them. How are they at theirs? You say they are quite generous but is it heartfelt?

As pp said, be prepared for your friend to mention your attitude to his partner if you want to talk things over with him.

gemma, honestly, that is just plain silly. Not liking a friends partner and the way they change when they are together in social situation does not read as the OP panting to get her hands on him...

Dear god. What poverty of imagination is this.

Gemma - oh my goodness I enjoy the guys company and miss that, as we can never have the same convos as usual. Wanting him - you gotta be joking!!!!

OP, your post about the DH's eating behaviour makes me much more sympathetic to you

I know someone like this (a friend's DP) –not a chef but fancies himself generally speaking as a foodie. Doesn't complain about food but always, after eating something I've cooked, has comments about it that are not quite moans but close to.

Once they were on their way to visit and friend phoned to say 'We're nearly at yours, if you're doing lunch can we bring anything?' I said I had everything and was making poached eggs on toast. She relayed this to him and came back and said 'DP says have you got unsalted butter and is it a good kind of bread?'

With hindsight, I wish I'd said 'If my lunch isn't up to his standards he an always fuck off shift for himself', but she is a dear friend and I was a bit so I just said yes to both.

Wanker.

Sorry for slight derail. But fussy eaters/food bores/food snobs are DULL and rude.

Madame, don't be so patronising, it makes you look a little silly.

Does it really Down? Are you sure?

Fair enough, Lil, I'm probably focusing too much on your relationship with Mrs Chef and if it's not as I imagine then it's not.

Meeting away from home - or with others if you are at home - is the way to go.

Try to put it out of your head now if you can, I know it's difficult. I wouldn't leave it too long for communication though because unless they're spectacularly insensitive, they'll know something is up. Be bright and breezy and non-committal about future plans. Maybe suggest that one of your other friends in the group arranges something in town, a drink or meal there?

Gemma... I don't know where you've picked up that inference from, I can't see it? Please stop telling people what words they can and can't use - 'only on MN' do some people feel they have the right to do that. 'Girl' is not an insult, it might grate on you but it doesn't on me and, if we can put up with the horrible term 'cnt on here with alacrity, then we can cope with 'girl'.

Shall we do a poll?

Hands up those who think being gratuitiously rude to an OP is just fine and dandy.

Hand up those who think its fabulous for people to pop on to a thread to say they think the OP sounds unhinged/awkward/harwork/bitchy

I have my notebook to the ready!

Oops other option, hands up those who find plodding insults dull, dreary and pointless.

Onlylovers - yes they are bores aren't they!!!

Lying -Thanks for your thoughts. Agreed.

Its all in the usage though, regarding girl. And people's sensibilities. Using girl to dismiss someone is nasty. Using it in an everyday sense of just talking about female people is reasonably ok, but for some it does grate. And no reason why they should not mention it.

cunt and girl are different beasts, in word terms and usage, and all depends on context. The acceptance of one does not mean the acceptance of another.

So I agree with Gemma re the word girl.

I disagree with her regarding fancying the bloke.

I don't give a flying fig whether somebody finds 'girl' insulting. I personally find 'c*nt' insulting in the extreme and have to gloss over it here without picking it up everytime I see it.

Let's not derail Lil's thread in semantics that we'll never agree upon though, shall we?

Could it be a cultural thing? It really does sound to me as though English isn't your first language, are you from a different culture to this other couple?

To be honest, it does sound as though you and the other woman are mutually antipathetic and mutually competitive, given which, there's little point in pursuing the 'friendship' any further.