To feel miffed by guests behaviour on the weekend?

[lill72]

We have just moved house and finally have a lovely garden. As it was a hot night, we invited some friends around for a BBQ to our new house. We were excited to have them round and share our new place. When they left ,I just felt upset and slightly insulted by their behaviour.

When they walked in, they didnt make any comment on the house. I don't want over the top - but a comment would have been nice. They just asked - do you like the area better etc. They didnt ask to be shown around, but then asked me a comment about DDs bedroom, which alerted me to the fact they had been snooping in the room whilst on the way to the bathroom. All their comments were an attempt to try and put us down, as I don't think they like being outdone. They have no kids and live in a modern, stark, city apartment. Our house is the opposite of this, so not sure if they just didnt like it. But hey a comment would have been nice.

They also always bring their own drinks. No problem there. But they always refuse to drink yours. It is as if they aren't good enough. DH went and bought some lovely white wine, but they just had a sip, then went back to their wine. There was nothing special about theirs.

My DH also bought some lovely ribeye, as they are very fussy about food and the guy is a trained chef. This trained chef is the fussiest eater i know and does not like fat in meat, so cut around the ribeye, making a dogs breakfast of it and didn't eat half of it. He knew it was good quality and said he felt bad not eating it, but it was insulting and childish I thought not to just eat it.

I get the feeling that they are most comfortable in their own home, with their wine and their food. Nothing else is ever good enough. We went to an effort and it was just chucked in our face I thought. They are never gracious and very thankful. Very very hard to please. So much to the point that despite the fact that we like them -well the guys anyway (i have never liked the wife), we just don't want to have them over again. Which would be odd, as we are friends. I would rather have people very who are more appreciative and easy going.

I also don't think they liked being upstaged at all, over anything.

Any suggestions? One thought is to always have the over with others.

I mean, he could equally be weeping to his missus that he didn't understand, why, after all these years, and knowing his problems with fatty meat, you would present a rib eye with a flourish and an expectation of happy sighs from him, and then get more and more grumpy as he struggles to eat the bits he can from it.

Just saying.

Madame - I do think we continue to think they will behave differently, which obviously they won't. They come from very different backgrounds to my DH and I and this shows. I don' know why we feel the need to impress them, as I don't really care what they have, what they do etc. It is just when we are with them, the questions they ask and the way they phrase them make you feel like you have to prove something. Like how is DH's job, what hotel are you staying it, where are you heading for this bank holiday, you have to get removalists to pack all your house, don't do it yourself. etc etc. I could go on.

I agree - I don't know why I continue to have these expectations of them. They are just not like my other friends and will never be. They have invited us over so much, I have felt an obligation to return the favour. But I have a second on the way, so I guess this will make it easier not to have to see the or invite them over. I would really like to keep the realationship with the guy though, so it makes it a little tricky.

Lyingwitch - your post is taking things to the extreme. No - I did not expect gushy-ness or endless compliments. Trust me, that is not my style. people would actually say I am very self-effacing and not a show-off at all.I just wanted some interest and love from them, which was not shown. They are fine with our DD, I don't excpect them to be over the top. But if you come to my house, then DD is part of our family and you have to accept she will be part of the BBQ for at least part of the evening. they were fine with that - I have no qualms with their level of interest in DD. IN fact the guys is quite sweet with her.

And it is not insulting and childish to not be able to eat food you simply can't stand.

Its kind of insulting and childish to ride roughshod over his known issues and expect him to put on a happy face and eat up something that might well make him retch out of politeness.

It can go both ways.

They sound extremely rude and bad mannered. Don't have them round again, arrange to meet them outside the home. Don't put yourself through that again!

I am not saying you are insulting and childish, btw, just its a matter of perception on both sides.

I have found that as my ds gets older I have reconnected with older mates who fell by the wayside as our lifestyles changed radically. Now he is older, we can regain that nice bit. The ebb and flow, as it were, of relationships.

I would really like to keep the realationship with the guy though, so it makes it a little tricky

This is the bit I don't understand. He was the onbe with the problem with the meat, he didn't ask to be shown around, he didn't drink your wine either.

Also, as "LyingWitch" says, your dislike of the woman will have been noted.

Madame - My DH knows he doesnt like fatty meat and didnt mean to give him meat like this. It was a school boy mistake on his behalf. We were trying to serve them amazing meat, as they always spoil us when we are there. We always go out of his way to cater for what he likes. He doesnt like pork or lamb so we never serve this.

Mabey tge friendship has run it's course. I would distance yourself. You get on with the guy but not his wife, unfortunately it might be difficult to see him on his own. Just distance.

Sorry it was a disappointing evening for you.

I would love it if you could tell me what wine you served, could you tell me?

Or what wine they brought?

I could then tell you about the wine bit of the AIBU

You served rib eye to someone who doesn't like (maybe cannot eat) fatty meat, moan that they wouldn't drink your wine and complain because they didn't follow the script of praise to your house that you wanted??

Tbh, you sound the socially awkward one....

I do understand lill. Its a shame, especially as you were trying to treat him to something lovely. It just didn't come off this time. Your disappointment at his pushing it around his plate is as much informed by your intention of doing something lovely as as his inability to manage it.

It kind of heightens the disappointment at his reaction, even though that is not really reasonable!

Only1scoop - I agree there should never be a need to impress friends. And there never used to be when I first met this guy. We have both moved to London from Australia and I think since then, he and his wife have felt the need to impress.

I call everyone girl - not derogatory to me!

Ahhhhh such a tricky situation in that I would like to remain friends with the guy. We also like their wider circle of friends, so maybe should just see them all in a group.

thanks for your thoughts....

Down. I think that is unkind and uncalled for. AIBU is not a place, whatever some people think, to be nasty. Draw your horns in, or find a nice way to express yourself. No need to be rude or insulting to the OP.

When you go to someone's new house for the first time it is only polite to make some kind of approving comment, even if you don't like it. I think this is basic good manners, just like telling a bride she looks beautiful, even if you think she looks awful.

It seems as though you are the one that's hard work. I can't see what they did wrong. In fact, if I like a specific wine and it's there then why would I drink something else. It just seems as though you wanted to show off your house and didn't get the reaction you wanted.

Lil... If you say they were fine with your daughter, then what exactly is the problem? As a parent, my friends at least liking my children and acknowledging them would be expected and desired. This couple did that - check!

Regarding the steak; it's possible to cook it badly. Ribeye can be tricky and I don't like fat either. I would have totally ignored the fat blob in the middle of it and politely eaten what I could of it, making all manner of excuses to you because as your friend is a chef he would be grateful to you for cooking for him and his wife.

They don't sound bad mannered; you and your husband don't sound bad mannered. What seems to have happened is that your expectations were high and, for whatever reason, your friends didn't meet them on this occasion and you're disappointed. If that's what happened, I understand that completely. Sometimes it's possible to be like cogs working perfectly in tune and other times, it's like you're grinding because something's slipped somewhere.

The advice to meet on mutual ground for a quick drink - more time if you mutually want this. That's what I would do but I think you need to really look at your relationship with your friend's wife because it doesn't sound viable and that's not nice for your husband or your friend.

What's your husband's view on this dinner date?

Coffee, I will say the same thing.

Is there any need to be rude? Have an opinion by all means, but not need to be nasty to the OP.

Bravepotato - it was Oyster Bay sav blanc. Standard wine all of us buy all the time as it's good. But it's nothing out of the ordinary.

My DH bought a Domaine Patrick Vauvy Loire valley sav blanc.

Not to go on about it, except you asked....

Downtheroad - as I have mentioned, we tried to buy lovely meat not realising it was so fatty. School boy error as I have mentioned You are simplying an issue which has gone on for a while. Hmmm, I would not call myself socially awkward in the least. I am highly aware of people and making people feel at ease and comfortable.

They just sound like crap guests. If someone you like invites you over and cooks its good manners to either show interest or decline the invite.

Basically they came round to be miserable.

Oh ignore those rude enough to post kneejerk slaps on AIBU.

Coffee is wrong. Your guests displayed very bad manners and I would be miffed too. I would not invite them again.

Lil... As you've been fiends for so long, are you not more comfortable in each other's company? I mean, your husband made a mistake - it happens - that's usually something to laugh about, back slap, bit of teasing over. That's the bit that I find sad actually... that you all couldn't take it in the spirit it was - you tried so hard, best laid plans and all that. Do you think your friends were judging you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

They don't sound bad mannered; you and your husband don't sound bad mannered. What seems to have happened is that your expectations were high and, for whatever reason, your friends didn't meet them on this occasion and you're disappointed. If that's what happened, I understand that completely. Sometimes it's possible to be like cogs working perfectly in tune and other times, it's like you're grinding because something's slipped somewhere

I think that is spot on actually.

In fact, it has reminded me of an instance with my ILs who I normally have all the time in the world for. We were in a position to make a gift to them and did so with absolutely no strings attached. FIL made a completely inappropriate comment about how he was expecting something bigger. We never expected fawning gratitude, we were happy to be able to help but his comment was like an instant record-scratch moment and made me feel really resentful. Looking back, I actually think he just felt awkward and had a bit of foot-in-mouth.

Eeek! The second 'don't' should read 'doesn't', of course.

... and 'fiends' are 'friends'!

My nails need cutting...

Still not sure why you are friends with this couple. They make you feel ill at ease with their constant questioning and comparisons, you admit that you feel you have to impress them although not sure why. You definitely don't like the wife, you profess to really like the husband but he seems to cause you equal amounts of self-doubt and difficulty. You feel that they are uncomfortable when not in their own home and serving their own food. How is this actually a friendship?