To feel miffed by guests behaviour on the weekend?

[lill72]

We have just moved house and finally have a lovely garden. As it was a hot night, we invited some friends around for a BBQ to our new house. We were excited to have them round and share our new place. When they left ,I just felt upset and slightly insulted by their behaviour.

When they walked in, they didnt make any comment on the house. I don't want over the top - but a comment would have been nice. They just asked - do you like the area better etc. They didnt ask to be shown around, but then asked me a comment about DDs bedroom, which alerted me to the fact they had been snooping in the room whilst on the way to the bathroom. All their comments were an attempt to try and put us down, as I don't think they like being outdone. They have no kids and live in a modern, stark, city apartment. Our house is the opposite of this, so not sure if they just didnt like it. But hey a comment would have been nice.

They also always bring their own drinks. No problem there. But they always refuse to drink yours. It is as if they aren't good enough. DH went and bought some lovely white wine, but they just had a sip, then went back to their wine. There was nothing special about theirs.

My DH also bought some lovely ribeye, as they are very fussy about food and the guy is a trained chef. This trained chef is the fussiest eater i know and does not like fat in meat, so cut around the ribeye, making a dogs breakfast of it and didn't eat half of it. He knew it was good quality and said he felt bad not eating it, but it was insulting and childish I thought not to just eat it.

I get the feeling that they are most comfortable in their own home, with their wine and their food. Nothing else is ever good enough. We went to an effort and it was just chucked in our face I thought. They are never gracious and very thankful. Very very hard to please. So much to the point that despite the fact that we like them -well the guys anyway (i have never liked the wife), we just don't want to have them over again. Which would be odd, as we are friends. I would rather have people very who are more appreciative and easy going.

I also don't think they liked being upstaged at all, over anything.

Any suggestions? One thought is to always have the over with others.

It does sound like you invited them to show off and were disappointed when they didn't make the right oos and ahs . But, it would have been polite of them to find something nice to say even if they didn't love the house.

When we moved here, biggish house with big garden, needing a lot of work, the only things dsil could find to say were that it stank of fags (it did) and that a nearby tree was going to make it fall down - no, we had that checked. I'm sure that if she was with a friend the liked she would have found something positive to say about its potential if nothing else.

You obviously just don't like each other much.

You sound as though you've got a chip on your shoulder about them not having children and living in a 'modern, stark apartment'.

They sound tedious and ungracious about food and drink. And a chef should know that a lot of the flavour in meat resides in the fat!

Carry on seeing the man if you want, but personally I'd question this friendship if he thinks it's OK to behave like this when his wife is around.

I wouldn't ask to see round someone's new house. I hate the idea of giving or being given 'the tour'; I find it embarrassing feeling as though I'm expected to say something about every room. I have invited people to housewarmings before, and of course accept any nice comments graciously and talk about the house if people ask, but I wouldn't expect people to want to see the place or gush with compliments.

Unexpected

But the guy is not your friend any more than the woman is he? He was equally at fault for snooping, not commenting on your new home, not drinking your wine or eating your food - which you describe as "insulting and childish". So how can you say that it is just his wife you are not friends with? Honestly, it is time to call and end to this friendship, which seems to be anything but a friendship

Completely agree.

It's not a crime to no longer gel with people.

Also agree with Maidofstars - what makes you so sure you were "outdoing" them? I'd love a "stark" city centre apartment if I didn't have kids! Maybe they picked up on you looking down on them .

FWIW I would never ask to be shown arounf either - I'm nosey though so would be itching for you to offer.

Regardless of who was rude, you do not sound like "friends" - not even with the man. There's nothing wrong with that. Just move on.

I am not a competitve person, but they do make as feel like we have to compete. For instance, we have just been on holiday and the first thing they want to know is what hotel we stayed at. Not how the holiday was. The girl is always asking questions surrounding the price of this and that - trying to compare. She recently asked me how much mums house was worth (I just sold it as mum died last year) , which I found a bit rude. They earn more than us and all their friends. I could not care less, but they are the ones who are always showing off about stuff.

We tried to cook what they like - for instance My DH had the ribeye cut at the butchers and at first it did not look fatty, but then as they cut it, it was. DH could not say no to the meat once it was cut, so was stuck with the problem. We also had chicken and sausages on offer, so no obligation to eat the ribeye.

I think yes, we are over trying to cook/impress them. They are impossible to impress!!!!

Plumpatridge - I know the guy does love my husband and I both a lot. The girl who knows, but to be honest she has a lot of trouble making friends. they are all her husbands.

They are definitely socially awkward and socially clueless, particularly the girl. There is a certain level of manners, to which she has no idea about. The guy is slightly more aware.

Not sure why a few are thinking I have a problem with the stark, apartment. No problem at all - just saying it is different from our old, Victorian house! I like their place in fact!

Ribeye always has fat marbled through it, would be almost impossible to get all the fat out without destroying the steak.

Hmm, "stark" is not a word with positive connotations (in my opinion)

Ooooo what a tedious time it sounds like you had....they sound slightly ungracious.... but then you sound so analytical regarding what should have been a pleasant occasion.

...the steak....the wine....they asked us this....they didnt ask us that....they didn't look at this....but then they had looked at that....

If you can't relax and just enjoy your time with them don't invite them again.

The wife was just strange asking a question about the bed in DD's room and that is it. I don't mind people having a look, but it was just odd the question I got about a bed and nothing else.

I am by no means wanting to give people tours, or need over the top praise or compliments. It was their lack of interest which was strange.

I think you really are going to have to let go of your expectations regarding these two, especially as you are very aware they are socially awkward. Enjoy the bits you like, laugh off, in private, their foibles.

With all kindness, you do seem to set them up for a fall a bit. You know they are a bit odd, but still seem to feel they should conform to some kind of norm you have created in your head about how people behave. And then feel let down.

The dynamic is odd though. Why do you and your DH feel the need to impress them? Its such an odd idea! You know they are a bit weirdy (for you) why would your impulse be, after all these years, to still try and make them admit you and your house and your food is luvverly? Its not going to happen! Give up on the dream! Either enjoy them for what they do bring to the table, or change it, or let it die a natural death.

Because I am still struggling to see why after all this time and knowing them as well as you do, you still have these expectations of them.

I don't think you like these people, OP. I also think that it sounds like you invited them to make.a.point that you've moved UP and they failed to take their cue to gush. You make a point that they're childless... so what? Having a child is not an accolade of achievement. It makes you sound as if you have a check list... "Exclaim about each room - check! Effusively compliment the cooking - check! Coo over daughter - check! I'm being a bit facetious there but to me, that's how your posting comes across - as being very, very earnest.

They may not have liked your house, might have felt awkward with you. The fact that you don't like the female partner wouldn't have gone unnoticed, however well you think you might have covered that up, it WOULD have been noticed.

Were they really as uncomplimentary as you suggest? Did they not thank you for a lovely evening, perform all of the social rituals that invited dining couples would?

I think you shouldn't ask them again... and perhaps they will be very happy with that as well.

Only1scoop - think I am being possibly over-analytical as this has happened before. So my DH are just trying to work out what to do about the situation. I dont have any other friends that would act this way, so it kind of shocks me, to be honest.

Interesting about the ribeye and fat!

There should never be a need to 'impress' real friends with anything....

And yes to predicting fat in ribeye. If you were trying to avoid excess fat and upstage them a fillet might have been better....

I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride here op. It's not like you were standing there screaming 'Notice MEEEE!!!' or anything..... you just had certain expectations of general social niceties, none of which were fulfilled.

The question is whether you can live with that. I've found that a good test in cases like this is to behave in the same way back. If they never notice and are perfectly happy, then you know it's just their way and that they don't mean anything by it. If they notice and bitch at you, then they are at the very least not very self-aware and possibly great big entitled hypocrites. Only one way to find out!

You invite someone round who hates fat in meat and offer them rib eye and sausages which to me is not being a good host. You have constantly referred to the woman as a girl which is a put down and stark is not exactly complimentary. I think this friendship has reached its natural end.

I think you should just meet on neural territory so you don't have to make an effort and you don't have to repay any meals

Not all people feel warm towards kids, especially pre kids themselves.

Sounds like you invited them round to show off your new house and it backfired a bit.

Not everyone is interested in having a posh house in a posh area and may prefer a modern apartment - may be city centre location, lack of maintenance, no gardening - I can certainly see the appeal.

I probably wouldn't compliment anyone's new house because it's perceived impressiveness just wouldn't register.

And if they had drunk all your wine instead of their own, you would have probably complained about that too?

The steak thing sounds rude though - why choose steak if you don't actually like it? Or was that all the food you had? At a barbecue, it is normal to serve a range of meats and sides as well.

lill, could you address the issue I raised about why you are shocked by them after ten years of knowing them?

I could understand the discombobulation if they were newish friends say, who had seemed 'normal' before...

But they aren't. So you are as much to blame, as it were, for holding onto expectations of engagement and behaviour in the teeth of ten years of evidence to the contrary.

Also fat marbled through red meat adds to it's tenderness as it's cooked - I know a few chefs and none of them have objections to fat in a good cut of meat

I think you might be in that awkward stage with friends after you have DC - some good friends do just slip off the radar and fade away when you have kids. It's sad but seems to be a universal "thing".

I think you have already had good advice on what to do- see them out of the house, hang out only with the guy, cut them loose as friends.

You seem to slightly enjoy being shocked by them. They didn't do anything that bad to be honest. They weren't very rude, or said anything awful, they just didn't gasp and admire your home or food in the way you wanted.

Really, let it go. They are probably having a similar discussion over where to take the friendship too, I can't imagine they had such a great time.

as someone fussy who hates fat in meat (and too many other things to list)
I always go self catered as i think it is rude to expect others to rember my exaustive list of requirements.
I drink one brand of diet cola mainly and even if you have got in some hand crafted small company £20 a bottle diet cola it wouldn't have been my choice so i would have tasted it (just in case it was good) then returned to my drink.
and if you provided them with meat with fat running through it what did you expect him to do?

Op,if i am correct you once posted about this couple and their behaviour. Why don't you stop inviting them and save yourselv some heartache. They obviously don't think much of you and your Dh so why have them over. Even the guy, whom you say you have been friends with does his own thing when at your house where is the respect? Where is the love? Let them invite you to theirs instead.

Yourselves