To feel miffed by guests behaviour on the weekend?

[lill72]

We have just moved house and finally have a lovely garden. As it was a hot night, we invited some friends around for a BBQ to our new house. We were excited to have them round and share our new place. When they left ,I just felt upset and slightly insulted by their behaviour.

When they walked in, they didnt make any comment on the house. I don't want over the top - but a comment would have been nice. They just asked - do you like the area better etc. They didnt ask to be shown around, but then asked me a comment about DDs bedroom, which alerted me to the fact they had been snooping in the room whilst on the way to the bathroom. All their comments were an attempt to try and put us down, as I don't think they like being outdone. They have no kids and live in a modern, stark, city apartment. Our house is the opposite of this, so not sure if they just didnt like it. But hey a comment would have been nice.

They also always bring their own drinks. No problem there. But they always refuse to drink yours. It is as if they aren't good enough. DH went and bought some lovely white wine, but they just had a sip, then went back to their wine. There was nothing special about theirs.

My DH also bought some lovely ribeye, as they are very fussy about food and the guy is a trained chef. This trained chef is the fussiest eater i know and does not like fat in meat, so cut around the ribeye, making a dogs breakfast of it and didn't eat half of it. He knew it was good quality and said he felt bad not eating it, but it was insulting and childish I thought not to just eat it.

I get the feeling that they are most comfortable in their own home, with their wine and their food. Nothing else is ever good enough. We went to an effort and it was just chucked in our face I thought. They are never gracious and very thankful. Very very hard to please. So much to the point that despite the fact that we like them -well the guys anyway (i have never liked the wife), we just don't want to have them over again. Which would be odd, as we are friends. I would rather have people very who are more appreciative and easy going.

I also don't think they liked being upstaged at all, over anything.

Any suggestions? One thought is to always have the over with others.

I still think you are being a touch U, if you have tried serving them this wine that you and your DP love and they never drink it why would you keep offering it them? If you know it isn't to their taste? We can't all like the same food or drink and I don't think grown adults should be expected to drink something they have made clear they don't like just to be polite

I really don't get the dynamics of this friendship

Weirdest friendship ever.

Echt -yes the class divide is very different to the UK I agree and kind of funny when you live here, but equally real when you are in OZ.

From what Mrs Chef has said, the guy feels the need to have the best/most expensive of everything. From his own admittance, this is an attempt to totally forget his awful childhood, when his parents often left him and his brother in a house to their own devices. I am guessing the house wasn't left very clean, so hence why he is a clean freak. He is trying to block his past out. I have total sympathy for him, I just don't like it when people try and show off.

Mrs Chef is what I would call a cashed up bogan - she seems to feel like she is above the rest of her family in Australia and far more sophisticated and classy than any of them, as she has a husband who is a high earner and they travel a lot. I have no issue with their backgrounds, as I don't with anyone, but just don't try and be pretentious and act as if you are more sophisticated. Mrs Chef only has money because of her husband and so this showing off about everything really grates even more.

the guy had one sip of it and said 'nice' and the immediately asked for his wine again, which was definitely not as good as ours. Can get much clearer a message than that

I think you're getting really hung up on apparent quality and subjective preference.

I mean, what if he just doesn't like the same type of wine as you do? No reference to how "good" either is, he just doens't like the grape/region/tones/whatever.

I've said before, I find plenty of Chardonnays make me gag. I can feel the reflex as soon as the wine hits my tongue. You could spend all the money you wanted on a bottle and I still wouldn't drink it.

So, no, I don't think the message is necessarily clear. You could be right - maybe it's power play - but you could be wrong - his taste doesn't match yours.

Is it not horribly rude to refer to someone as a 'bogan'? 'Cashed up bogan'. Jings.

Lauren - we bring different kinds of wines all the time. It doesnt matter what is, if they didn't buy it, they don't like it!!!!

Bee - Obviously this conversation simplifys our relatonship, as it has been good for many years. Well my relationship with the guy. We've had great fun. I think that since we moved to the Uk, had a baby and all our meetings involve the wife (they didnt previously), the dynamics have changed and I find have got increasingly strained. Hard to go into all detail here. Guess it is something that is just growing apart as we start leading completely different lives. We all used to go out drinking together, but now I have a DD with another on the way, things have changed.

Maid - we give them all sorts of wines and know what they like. Well the grapes etc. But unless they buy, it;s not good enough!!!

Bee - well the husband in fact calls his wife and family a bogan!! She wouldnt think of herself as one anyone, but she in fact calls her sister one!!!

I'm not Australian, but live here and have seen evidence of the unspoken class divide. I perceive so many of its difficulties are because it's not acknowledged in the same open way as it is in the UK; the Aussie, "she'll be right/apples". Bollocks.

In your position, I'd take the generous view and let them get on with it, as hard as they seem. They have a harder row to hoe the you do, despite the money and travel.

I can't post more specifically about both those who privately educate and the cashed-up bogans without dobbing myself in and imperilling my job,

Echt - Mr Chef always says to me how I down play everything. He knows that despite my background, I don't shove it in their faces. Not that I had some amazing background, but it sure was a lot more comfortable than theirs, which involved absent parents and foster homes. I would never try and make him or his wife feel put down due to their backgrounds. They do have it harder than I and I get that. I should just try and put their behaviour down to this and not let it bother me so much.

What does MrChef mean by downplaying everything? What precisely is he referring to?

I think that, traditionally, it is seen as poor etiquette to either offer a tour of a new house or request a tour, unless you live in a castle or house of historical interest. Maybe the rules are different in Oz?

Honestly, I would probably forget all this strain and find more amenable friends, because there seems to be some bad energy between you all.

Echt - by down playing he means my DH and I don't go about going to a private school, living in wealthy suburbs growing up, having lovely family holidays, going to university and living on campus, that sort of thing I am guessing. I guess what he means is that we could go about it but we very much downplay it.

Branching Out - I agree. I would never offer a tour. I think it is rude. But I dont find it rude if someone asks.

I must say, I went to a playdate with DD. The family have a multi million pound home, which was gorgeous. I found it rather crass though, when the mum said 'go on a tour of the house' (5 levels) This was basically the first time we had met!

I don't understand all this.

I invite people round who I like and to see them - not for them to look at my house. If they asked to look around my house I would think they were nosey gits. I cannot understand why anyone would?!
I don't mind if they don't like 'my' wine. I don't mind if they prefer to drink their own.
Most of all - I doubt I would invite anyone round who I did not like or who were 'fussy' about food I was going to offer.
Friends should not be hard work!

God above - can someone print me a cheat sheet on the rules about showing people around -
Showing people around - rude
Asking people to look around - presumptious
Asking if you can look around - nosy or polite
Looking around if you head upstairs for a pee - nosy or perfectly natural

It seems immensely complicated.
I just invite people I like over then I don't spend the following week dissecting their visit.

You sound nice OP but I can honestly see the other couple posting an AIBU about you and your partner

You both sound hard work, do you think maybe you give off vibes to them that you are above them?

I just think that once "upstaged" is part of your relationship then it's not a friendship is it?
I had a very poor background, lots of my friends didn't but what has that got to do with anything now we are adults.
If you asked me about the childhood/backgrounds of most of my friends I either wouldn't know or wouldn't care.

If he is talking about your 'downplaying' your childhood I would be baffled. Who goes on about their childhood all the time - who focuses on that decades after?

The whole dynamic is very odd and the more you talk about it the more it sounds like Abigails Party.

Meet for a meal out, cinema, that sort of thing. You might all enjoy it then! Maybe even camping, the chef friend can cook, fab!

Blimey. Am I the only person who thinks that when you go to a friend's house for the first time, it's a nice thing to make a positive comment?

Little bit of cheer all round really. Even if you hate the decor you can say "what a lovely big garden" or "the kitchen's very light".

Compliment paid, everyone happy.

Pagwatch and brokenhearted - the upstaged thing is something they have brought on. Each time, I say I will not care about their questioning, but the way they ask and phrase things makes you think you have to prove yourself. My DH feels the same. It;s easy to cast judgement when you don't know the whole friendship and story.

Lauren - I can honestly say we are very down to earth people who are very easy going and relaxed. This is why I find it all so tedious. My fav people in the world are those I can just have a laugh with and be silly with. We are not hard work at all. (unfortunately most of my closest mate like this are back in oz) My analysing comes from countless occasions where this has happened.

I am not trying to upstage anyone - just saying they can't ever say anything nice about anything we do or give them. hard work.

Pagwatch - the upstaged bit comes mainly from he wife and as I have said, I have never warmed to her.

It is odd I know. But it's a case of really liking the guy, despite his faillings and still wanting to hang out with him, but not the wife.

I dont care a fig about childhood and never talk about it - but he had an awful one so it matters to him. He talks about it every now and then.

Why would you go on a about your privileged upbringing? What is there to boast about in that?

... I realise you are saying you don't go on about it, but you seem to think that it is a possibility, or that you should be praised for not doing so!

Iggi - I would never. It was just that he made a comment one day that I never did. I guess cause I could if I wanted to and ake a big deal of it. I dunno.

[shrug]

Well you are including them both in the tedious way they ask about things. Your posts include as many criticisms of him as her.
I said at about post 3 that it really doesn't sound as if you like either of them very much - certainly your meetings sound horrible and as far away from a chilled out evening with friends as I can imagine. It would take literally one or two visits like the ones you describe for me to knock those on the head.

I guess i just don't really understand why, after years of not liking many aspects of their behaviour and actively disliking her you are still puzzled.
You don't get on as couples. You say you like him yet you don't seem to like how he is when he is with her - so why push it?

Meet him/them on neutral ground or forget it.

X-posted .
But the 'not making a big deal out of it ' is just 'not being a twat'

Going on about 'well you could make a big deal out of it ' is assuming that you are suppressing the urge to be an arse.

Having a wealthy upbringing doesn't make you a better person do why would he think you might 'brag' about it?