Husband completely ignores house rules at the weekend!

[MyPantsAreGreen]

I am by no means an OCD but there are certain things round the house that me and the children do to make life easier and run more smoothly. Simple things like not leaving bags and shoes dumped by the front door so I can get the pram in an out, not having drinks on the drawing table because they inevitably get knocked over, not allowing constant grazing of food because then main meals are a waste of time. Noting ott just simple things. When my husband is around he shows little regard to any of this and seems to actively flout these rules just to make
his presence felt. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tow the line at the weekends? He called me a horrible and obnoxious person for asking him to tidy away 2 wine glasses and put them in a cupboard? Is it me should I just grin and bear it?

I don't wash everything after wearing it once, especially skirts and trousers so often work clothes do go back on hangers and more casual stuff on the back of a chair, same for my husband. I would never consider it my job to remove stuff of his from the wardrobe and wash it though, it's his job to decide when his trousers need washed, same for me. We also both use the washing machine.
I'm the one who leaves stuff in the hall in our house though. My handbag is usually there and we both usually have a couple of pairs of shoes there although we agree (and it's a mutual agreement) not more than 2 and if they start accumulated they get placed at the bottom of the stairs to be taken up when someone is next going upstairs (another house rule we have mutually agreed.)
It sounds as though you have unilaterally decided that because you are at home most you make up the rules. My husband would love to be a house husband but if he was and did that it would seriously piss me off, I'd be the one paying for the bloody thing after all.
You need to both discuss how you manage living together and he needs to stop regarding you as his maid and you need to give him more say in how he lives in his own house but also make him realise you aren't his mum and he needs to put his dirty stuff in the washing basket like a big boy and maybe wash it sometimes.

"an OCD"! Not heard that one before.

Yabu. First world problems. Focus on the things that matter.

Me either, star.

What's "an OCD"?

If you have house rules then you need to have made and agreed/compromised them together or they have no chance of working.

He always gets the hoover out to apologise for calling me Horrible and obnoxious and making me smell his nasty clothes

Sorry tell me why you have 3 DC with this tool?

Let him in charge of the house and the 3dcs for the whole weekend. Go away and let him deal with the getting the pram in and out, the glasses knocked over etc.

Tbh what I've done is saying little but making asking DH to take the pram out or tellingasking him to clean the mess from the knocked glasses and he soon learnt that these little things were very inconvenient.
I've also made comments to the dcs (that were meant to DH) explaining how doing x wasn't good because xxx.

What I haven't done is to give him 'house rules' and expect him to follow them because tbh he isn't a child anymore and I'm not his mum!
Tbh to one issue such as 'it's difficult to go in and out if the house' you are likely to have several answers such 'tidy the shoes' but also 'leave the pram in the garage/in the car' etc. maybe it's time for you to find ways that are working for both if you, even if you are the one who us spending the most time at home so your opinion should have the biggest weight (but nit the last word iyswim).

I really don't understand what you mean OP, when you say 'he makes me smell his nasty clothes'.

How does he make you?

Thanks to all the more positive comments they have really helped.

Just got back from yet another family excursion ( so boo to the poster who said we need to get out more) and it's good to read them. I think the poster who says I run my home like a factory really hit on something. I used to be a slob, total and utter slob but it was starting up with mumsnet that actually has raised my standards hugely in the last year just seeing what other women do with their homes and lives has been really inspirational.

And yes I did find it hard to adjust to home life after working in a legal career previously ( so boo to the other posters who said I don't contribute financially, I did and will do so again when all the children are at school).

Unfortunately I think my poor husband hasn't been able to keep up with the ever higher standards being busy at work and earning the money to keep us all fed and clothed and my military tone has not been helpful.

Just getting this all written down has helped enormously and I do need to just let things go a bit more at the weekend and bless him he has been very helpful all of this afternoon which is his way of saying sorry.

I just hope I don't find anything smelly in his wardrobe again as I think that episode just made me angry at the mere sight of him as it runs so completely contrary to me trying to raise standards.

And I think my original post was hugely misinterpreted there are no house rules pinned up on every wall! Thy have been suggestions over the last few months phrased in nice ways such as 'please don't leave your bag and shoes in the hall it's very narrow and it makes it really hard to get the buggy out' and 'try to give the children drinks on the dining table not the drawing table as they will make their pictures wet and howl'.

How do you put it to him that he's breaking the house rules?

I can understand where you're coming from in your last post, it is all too easy to go from one extreme to another and when you get everything 'just so' someone creasing the cushions can seem like a slap in the face and the precursor for a full on rant. Good on you for recognising this.

Just have a calm talk with with him and mutually agree on things. You both need to appreciate what the other does, see it as an equal conribution to your lives and agree not to do something which you know is extremely irritating or unhelpful to the other.

Smelly stuff in the wardrobe deserves a military tone imo though, that's just yuck.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time - first of all, being a SAHM for 3 kids under 6 is not easy, scottishmummy, have you lost the plot?

Secondly, I'd like to hope that my husband would agree to the kids not grazing all day long on the weekends to the point where they don't eat regular meals.

As for the glasses being tipped over - is this your husband leaving glasses and he tips them, or he's allowing the kids to leave glasses and they tip them, or what? If I said to my husband "that's a bad place for a glass of milk, it's going to tip" I'd be pretty if he took issue - he'd probably say, OK. That shouldn't lead to a power struggle in the absence of marital issues, I should think.

Him asking you to smell his dirty laundry is a sign that things are terribly wrong, sadly.

Does he actually make you smell his dirty clothes OP, or did you 'embellish' that? If so, how does he make you, does he threaten you or what?

I understand completely OP and despite many years of encouragement my dh still hasn't mastered a clean wardrobe. It winds me up as his standards are so good with everything else.
Why not concede he will remain like this or tell him he needs to sniff and put in the basket more himself.
I can remember telling my dhs grandma how he used to leave his socks on the floor and how I tidied up after him. I expected empathy, instead she was very blunt and told me to stop doing it, and more fool me if I carried on doing it. We never had the problem again as he soon ran out of socks. During her life time, sadly gone now, I was able to tell her he did it himself.

This is the sort of thread that makes me agree that AIBU has got really really crappy.

There is nothing (apart from perhaps the way in which the OP is expressed) that is particularly weird yet still a raft of responses along the lines of the OP needs to get out more; is childish; a bully; controlling; weird and needs to get out more.

The OP was very clear that when she tries to discuss this her husband calls her obnoxious and horrible, all because she doesn't want drinks spilt and would like to be able to maneuver the buggy through the front door.

He sounds like an absolute horror and some of the posters on here are not better, gratuitously putting the boot in for fun.

So maybe he acts like a child so I have to impose rules like a child
No, that's not how it works. You talk to each other like adults and treat each other like adults. You are his wife, not his mother!

What is auditing your wardrobe? because I don't think I've ever done that before!

Just didn't think it was my job to also smell the stuff in the warp be and establish what needs to be washed!
Well then don't! If there really is a smell coming from the room, talk to him about it. Ask him if her can identify the source.

You constantly pick up and tidy up after him, of course he won't do it for himself - he doesn't stand a chance of meeting your standards.

House rules are negotiated and agreed as a household. They are not dictated and imposed by one person. You are not in charge of everything that goes on in your home! It is his home, not your workplace, you need to be far less controlling because home is supposed to be a happy place.

He always gets the hoover out to apologise for calling me Horrible and obnoxious and making me smell his nasty clothes.
He didn't MAKE you smell his clothes, you chose to because his standards aren't good enough for you. However, he shouldn't call you names.

You are grown ups. When he has finished hoovering, sit down, pour a glass of wine and talk to each other like adults. If you are reasonable, I'm sure he will be too, but you need to back off a bit and listen to him.

Op - when I first read this I thought you were really controlling but, after your last post I think you are a bit I me.

I read all the housekeeping tips on here and think ' that'll make life easier'

Stuff like 'never leave a room empty handed' etc - I do this now and get really cross that dp doesn't and I sarcastically say "is that pile of clothes you've walked paat going to climb the stairs on its own?'

Thing is - my dp hasn't read mumsnet housekeeping and I haven't said 'i think we should always remember to never leave a room empty handed, what do you think? '

I don't think your asking for much actually. Not snacking before a meal and putting shoes away are little straightforward things the kids should do.

Don't open your husbands cupboards. If it smells put some smelly stuff by the doir

I think you need to go back to work!

Stop treating your husband like a child. Deal with him as an adult.

And relax! Your house doesn't have to be perfect; you don't have to do a million things every weekend.

I'd suggest that if any smells from the wardrobe gross you out again you find the offending object and throw it away.

You need to get back to work and stop obsessing about lists,and sniffing dh smelly clothes
You are describing a fractious relationship,punctuated by squabbles about tasks
For as long as your housewife the domestic tasks are your remit.if you want to change that dynamic, return to work

I do the laundry and many of the chores in our house, and it does stem from the days when I was an SAHM, which was until fairly recently. I work part time now, so I am still home the most and still do the lion's share of chores.

However, I would never expect to have to smell out my husband's dirty stuff (or my children's either come to that, though they are now all old enough to be expected to muck in), and nor would he have left that to happen either. I do think that the OP had an undeservedly hard time for that one. In my house the principle that "if it is put in the laundry basket it will get washed" applied, and still does because it encourages each family member to take some responsibility for themselves. I do regularly have to remind my lot too though.

OP, maybe you do come across as a little controlling, but I don't think that what you are aiming to achieve is unreasonable at all. Sometimes it could be the manner in which you are saying something that is the problem, not always what you are actually saying.

Of course your husband should be willing to put his used clothes in the wash, and he should be willing to do things like clear his glasses and crockery away instead of leaving them lying around. That is common courtesy. Try to have a reasoned conversation with him about things like that, at a time when perhaps the kids are in bed and you are both less stressed.

Oh, and it is also the manner in which he is responding that is very unreasonable. Calling you horrible and obnoxious was totally disrespectful.

Thanks again for the helpful posts and Scottish mummy many thanks I do know that going back to work with bring equilibrium to the home and that's what I am planning to do when my children are all school age. Most of the nastier posts I have just brushed aside but the one about the fact I must have a miserable home life actually hurt. How can a reasonable person make that assumption from a few brief paragraphs? Show me a set of siblings of 5,4 and 1 who are happier, brighter, more confident and free of anxiety than mine then I will darn well eat the smelly trousers if I am unfortunate to find them in my husband's wardrobe again!

Thank goodness I am a rational person and not a vulnerable person with issues who could take the nastiness to heart. I think I will stick to lurking on the housekeeping threads!