Husband completely ignores house rules at the weekend!

[MyPantsAreGreen]

I am by no means an OCD but there are certain things round the house that me and the children do to make life easier and run more smoothly. Simple things like not leaving bags and shoes dumped by the front door so I can get the pram in an out, not having drinks on the drawing table because they inevitably get knocked over, not allowing constant grazing of food because then main meals are a waste of time. Noting ott just simple things. When my husband is around he shows little regard to any of this and seems to actively flout these rules just to make
his presence felt. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tow the line at the weekends? He called me a horrible and obnoxious person for asking him to tidy away 2 wine glasses and put them in a cupboard? Is it me should I just grin and bear it?

[BobPatandIgglePiggle]

Someone asked if dh had changed recently, I think that no - op has. She said she used to be a slob (or something, paraphrasing as cba to go back through the thread)

She has read some mn threads and changed the way the house runs. He hasn't read the threads and maybe doesn't agree with / know of these 'new rules'

[Sapat]

Blimey! It is his house too! Those are really very minor misdemeanours....If he puts his glass in a stupid place and it gets knocked over, surely he will clear up?

I would really bristle if my husband treated me like one of the children. Although fundamentally we agree on most things, He does loads of things that piss me off and I am pretty sure I do the same. We also have different rules, e.g. I am very relaxed about eating food away from the table, he isn't. I am pro snacking he isn't. So we compromise of sort. If kids want food I will offer sensible snacks they are unlikely to accept like fruit or salad veg. Though if he gets a bee in his bonnet I will encourage kids to abide. I, however, can't stand cushions, clothing or bedding on the floor (because of the crumbs, obv). He never ever buys ice cream from the van (oh the expense), but I occasionally do (lovely treat, kids get so excited). Kids are not stupid, they know, just as they know there are things allowed at grandmas that aren't at home.

[however]

I think perhaps you should re-post this in relationships.

[limon]

mypamtsaregreen tgis is a difficult one.

I have a similar situation but in reverse. I woth and DH is a sahd.

I still do a lot of the housework and we both getnfrustrated with each other over things each person does that make life harder for the other. But we dint have "rules" and we don't call names.

I think somehow you need to find time to really talk with each other - without name calling and without talking avout "rules".

[scottishmummy]

Are you spewing out a mn grudge u2?i dont recall your posts so no comment
But you clearly recall mine?wee touch nippy there grudgey mcgrudge?
But the thing about consistently held opinion,i'll express it consistently

[Isetan]

Your workplace is also his home so the workplace analogy doesn't work and that's part of the problem. As a SAHM you will inevitably do more but not everything, he treats you and you act like a domestic servant. You have come up with a set of rules which make your servant duties easier, which he ignores simply because servants don't set rules.

The whole dynamic is off, when you say rules I think you mean consideration and when he shows very little consideration it hurts, as it further demonstrates his contempt for the consideration you show him by doing his laundry, cooking meals etc.

No you don't chastise another adult for breaking 'rules' but neither do you hunt for their dirty clothes in order to wash them.

Stop treating this man like a child and stop being a domestic servant. It's time to have a chat (away from the kids) and start negotiations, things can't carry on like this because your resentment will grow and resentment kills relationships.
You won't be the first SAHM to find themselves in this situation and have their contribution in maintaing the household treated like it's their biological duty, coz it fucking isn't.

[LiberalLibertines]

I'd chill about everything except putting dirty clothes back in the wardrobe until they stink!?

Therefore, I'd say...dh, I know I've been a bit stroppy regarding weekends and mess, and I'll try and unclench, you however, need to put dirty clothes in the washing basket, and generally think of me before you leave stuff lying in the way. Now, shall we get a baby sitter and go and get pissed?..

[Thumbwitch]

TBH, I'd be more pissed off that he's showing your DC a bad example - the net result of him doing these things is that they are likely to start copying him - after all, if Dad can do it, why can't they? So he needs to nip the childish behaviour in the bud before they cotton on and start copying him, because at some point he's going to regret it.

The dirty clothes in the wardrobe is foul, by the way. He should deal with that himself - get him his own laundry basket if you have to, make him put stinking clothes in there instead. Ugh!

[weatherall]

I also agree to putting this in relationships.

There are obviously issues in this relationship beyond 'house rules'.

Op's DP is bvu to be calling her names, putting dirty clothes in the wardrobe, generally being inconsiderate of her.

OP is bu to be infantilising her DP by imposing 'rules' on him.

But I think the route of this is what others have said in that a previous career woman not being suited to sahp. OP I think if you don't go back to work ASAP you are heading for divorce. You both sound unhappy now and need to make significant changes to make this work. Go back to work and hire a nanny. DP can do his own washing.

[unlucky83]

I totally get this - experience has taught you that in order for the house to function smoothly there are certain things you do and don't do - 'the rules'. Your DH doesn't have the same experience so thinks they are unimportant/petty. Ignores them and actually undermines you and them with the DC.
And it doesn't matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM...it is being the parent who spends most time with the DC or even is more responsible for certain things for the DCs.
So eg if you both worked full time and your DH dropped the DCs off at childcare and you collect them. Every morning he had to hunt around for the DCs shoes. He may well come up with a 'rule' that DCs take their shoes off at the door and put them in a certain place. You collect them from childcare and don't enforce the rule. It doesn't effect you but it does effect him. It is disrespectful. Also harder for you to remember before it becomes a habit because it makes no difference to you. And the DCs aren't going to think it is important because you don't bother.
I would suggest you write 'the rules' down and go through them with DH and explain why you have each one. Logically and calmly. And why him not following them is showing the DC a bad example and makes you feel he doesn't respect you.
I have had exactly the same problem. DP worked 90+hrs, missed out loads of stuff, didn't follow the 'rules'. Thought it was petty and I would 'have a go' at him just because ...I don't know why...I enjoyed it maybe? It made me feel important or the boss - the one in control. None of which was the actual reason! Still not perfect but he does try to more now, understands more...but hard to remember when you aren't the one it effects.
As to the washing - DP does this to an extent - I do the washing in the basket. If he does a clear out and fills the basket when I've just emptied it I don't do it, I tell him I've just done all the washing and he will have to do it himself....

[MorphineDreams]

Stop imposing rules in your home that you haven't discussed
Stop sniffing his clothes.
Stop treating him like a child.

If a glass spills, then he can clean it up can't he. If his clothes smell, well he can go out smelling like that or put them in the wash. You don't have to mother him and do prevention all the time.

[unlucky83]

DCs thinking dad doesn't do it so I won't...
I've had that conversation with DP - his argument is that they are children and you are an adult. There are lots of things adults can do and children can't - eg I can touch the kettle, young DCs can't. No reason why they can't understand. (I still disagree but do see he has a point...)

[MorphineDreams]

Parents should be able to do things children don't and children should be able to accept that. I agree with your DH there

[Thumbwitch]

They accept it when it makes sense; but not when it doesn't, IME.

[VenusDeWillendorf]

You need a family meeting where you all sit down and discuss "how to make things better for everyone at home" include the children and write down whatever suggestion they make too. You're all in this together. Make a list of "things we will try so the house runs more smoothly"

Living with someone is give and take, and sometimes you have to listen as well as speak.

You have a right to be heard and your experience is valid, but he also has a right to be heard, and maybe he wants to do things differently. Your kids also have to be heard.

Use language like "when you leave the glasses out, unwashed and half full, on the table I feel XXX" "I love us all to have healthy meals together, and I love putting time in and pay attention into planning them, so they are nutritious and healthy, and then I cook them with love, so I feel XXX when no one has any room to eat them as everyone is full of snacks, or I feel YYY when no one comes to the table on time as the meal will be cold and not at it's best"
My ideal home is YYY, and when Z happens I feel XXX"

Try and avoid the "you always and I never", and the blame games.

[Fairenuff]

As a SAHM you will inevitably do more but not everything, he treats you and you act like a domestic servant.

This is what is coming across to me too. Not just the way he behaves, OP, but the way that you behave as well. You both see you in this role of domestic servant.

You have come up with a set of rules which make your servant duties easier, which he ignores simply because servants don't set rules.

Again, this is exactly what is happening. You really need to change the dynamic and set out what your role really constitutes. You did not give up work to become a cleaner, you gave it up to take care of young children.

Now they are getting older, your role is changing. Which direction it takes is up to you. Think about what you want, ultimately. This isn't really about glasses or shoes, it's about living a fulfilling life with mutual trust, love and respect. Not a lot of that going on in your house at the moment and that's why you are so dissatisfied.

[2rebecca]

The family meeting made me think of nutty mum in the child genius programme with her weekly family meetings with written agendas.
Having 3 under 6 year olds at a family meeting sounds like you spend all your time supervising kids. Fine for older kids but I think the 2 adults have to agree here and get the kids to fall in with their decisions.
I think it's unfair to snack if kids can't. When our kids were young we did have the no peaceful cups of coffee or G&Ts because they got knocked over, no crisps predinner because the kids scoffed the lot then didn't eat their dinner ( we still have some adult relatives like this so no snacks when they visit).
Life with teenagers is much better.

[Fairenuff]

kerry who was your post directed at? Was it OP or the previous poster, U2?

[Fairenuff]

I think your 'joke' was in poor taste and that is why it has been hidden. U2 was simply saying that she has a disorder, rather than she is a disorder, which is how the OP came across.

An apology would probably be in order here, imo.

[Fairenuff]

Ok, it's up to you