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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a busy site and as such

176 replies

strawberrydreamcake · 26/07/2014 22:22

Show respect for your own privacy and that of other people's?

I am not going to say which one, so don't ask and I'm going to ignore any guessing games as well as they aren't the point of the thread and I find them a bit pathetic. But I am almost positive a 'friend' has been discussing my situation on Mumsnet.

She's obviously meant no harm but I am very recognisable.

If you want to post about someone else, change a few details or similar. It just isn't fair on the person you're posting about!

OP posts:
SiennaBlake · 26/07/2014 23:01
FunkyBoldRibena · 26/07/2014 23:02

Perhaps she did change details and it's not all about you after all?

Original poster
strawberrydreamcake · 26/07/2014 23:02

I really, genuinely don't understand why people are baffled.

This is a purely hypothetical situation and bears no resemblance to mine, but let's say someone starts a thread about 'things to do in York' ( random place, I've only been there once!) and someone replies:

Ooh, York is lovely. We went there to visit some friends last month - they've only just moved there after her DH was promoted. We ate at a lovely restaurant but we couldn't stay too long as my friend was heavily pregnant - she gave birth last week actually!

Now that's totally harmless but just the same the odds of a family where the DH was promoted, moved to York and gave birth last week are probably fairly unlikely!

What I'm saying is it's not like my DH wears underpants made of diamonds - it's random snippets and you realise it's you. Or someone you know which is worse in a way.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 26/07/2014 23:03

(it's a double bluff Sienna Wink)

SiennaBlake · 26/07/2014 23:03

I hope so! I can't cope with this type of revelation! Shock

ilovesooty · 26/07/2014 23:04

I don't think the OP has been at all unreasonable. I think she's right. People often fail to realise how identifiable others' situation can be. She's dealt with this situation and simply wanted to put her thoughts on this out there.

Passmethecrisps · 26/07/2014 23:05

People are not baffled. Your point is obvious, OP.

Original poster
strawberrydreamcake · 26/07/2014 23:05

Agent, I'm not really getting stroppy at all, really :) I just didn't want to spend the evening deflecting speculations of who I am/which thread.

The point was I hadn't (in the nicest possible way, and I do mean that) asked for advice on how to handle my situation as I'm okay with it. I was pointing out in general that friends and colleagues might not want their tales told on MN.

Someone then seemed to get huffy they had offered advice and I hadn't taken it, which I don't understand.

Mind you I'm on a different planet to the rest of you, clearly, as I genuinely thought my point was a) completely clear and b) reasonable, but evidently not! Can't even blame wine ...

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 26/07/2014 23:06

SurreyMummy. No waaaaaaay.

It's the little tit bits I think that can out you, over time.

Original poster
strawberrydreamcake · 26/07/2014 23:07

Thank you ilovesooty - that's just it, I'm okay with my situation, nothing catastrophic BUT - as a general point I think it's one worth bearing in mind, is all.

OP posts:
OooOooTheMonkey · 26/07/2014 23:07

ZigZag! Brilliant. OP if you are my stoner neighbour please put you spliff out, thanks Wink we're getting high off the fumes! Grin

Sparklingbrook · 26/07/2014 23:07

Without giving it away did you experience a complete character assassination? Or was the subject matter fairly innocuous?

Maryz · 26/07/2014 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossyMoo · 26/07/2014 23:09

I wasn't huffy. I said I would keep my advice to myself. It was clear from your reply you didn't want it.

slithytove · 26/07/2014 23:10

Does your friend know you are on mn OP?

If not, I wouldn't confront her

VikingVolva · 26/07/2014 23:11

"If you want to post about someone else, change a few details or similar."

I would rapidly be Kafkaesque.

For all you know OP, that thread could be about someone entirely different, with a few details changed that makes it sound rather like you.

mumtosome61 · 26/07/2014 23:11

I have to admit, I get the general idea of where you are coming from. Often I have started to write things, and then realised that should anyone read, in any depth my past messages, it's probably reasonably obvious if they know me in RL that this username is me. Not many people in my RL would probably use MN because they're not forum savvy/parents/grandparents etc, but it does cross my mind. I know people from work may use it, and you never can tell what will happen in the future.

Equally, I wouldn't post in depth details about someone I know - MN user or not. Mainly because although I aspire to be objective, one side of a story is exactly that - to me, it's not fair to ask people to judge a situation that someone could look up or see innocuously, realising it is about them and without the power/ability/absolute certainty that it is about them. Situations that warrant particular intervention (DV, abuse, rape, crime) differ slightly but objectivity should be considered, in my mind, at all times.

I've used forums extensively for a variety of subjects in the past, so I guess I've become used to the general idea of what not to say. Especially as this one is public.

Original poster
strawberrydreamcake · 26/07/2014 23:12

Sparking, I have answered that point a few times now :) and I've also said I'm talking generally, using my situation as a specific example.

It isn't about reading a thread and thinking 'oh dear god, it's me, it's me, it's all about MEEEEE.' I have recognised two people on here because of information mentioned very much in passing - one on a bereavement she experienced, the details of which were fairly unique, and one on the ages of her two DDs (very close age gap and she mentioned her rough location in the same post.)

So - I have recognised myself. I am not fuming with rage or even offended, though I will gently let friend know I saw the post. But the point is, people discuss all sorts of details of their friends - marriages, children, finances, living situation - and if YOU are recognisable, so are your friends, sometimes.

I really just think it's wise to bear that in mind.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 26/07/2014 23:14

Oh right. I'll get my coat then.

SiennaBlake · 26/07/2014 23:15

How does it affect anyone if they are recognisable though? In a friends post I mean? If I read a post and realised it was about me, what would happen?

Passmethecrisps · 26/07/2014 23:15

It could all become a bit Escher painting - change this detail or that one and it becomes my story by accident.

I would only become concerned/fucking furious if it became terribly specific . . .

"My friend, who is 5ft 7 with short brown hair and blue eyes was walking through Perth recently and . . . "

Otherwise is really is just chance.

Having said that, I still get your annoyance and point strawberry

Original poster
strawberrydreamcake · 26/07/2014 23:15

Maryz, I normally really like your posts.

I'm saying that as I think you do know what I'm saying, and that the situations aren't quite comparable.

If someone said "I'm going to see someone in Dublin with three teenagers" it could be anyone - well, some poor sod person with three teenagers anyway! But if they were then to mention that they had two sons and a daughter, and one of the sons had ASD (I think I've remembered that correctly?) and so on, you may well realise 'hey, that's me.'

But - maybe there are many people exactly the same. I don't know. Probably shouldn't have posted, I'm really not upset. Just - I don't know. It's weird seeing yourself online when you didn't put it there. It must be so much worse if it's something really personal, or damaging.

OP posts:
PhaedraIsMyName · 26/07/2014 23:16

Sienna well obviously it would depend on what had been said but it's probably unlikely to have been flattering.

TalisaMaegyr · 26/07/2014 23:17

You're full of shit, is what you are sm Grin

SiennaBlake · 26/07/2014 23:18

That's not what I'm asking. If it's unflattering or whatever, beyond me recognising it and going "oh it's me! What a twat!", how does it affect my life?