To wonder if only having enough time left for one child means that we shouldn't have any?

[JessieMcJessie]

Something I'm wrestling with at the moment. I am already 40, very newly married and DH and I haven't really made up our minds yet about children. Last time we discussed it he casually threw in "of course, we'll only ever be able to have one". Even though in my head I only feel about 30, he's probably right. It got us thinking- he has 2 siblings, I have a brother and we both have very close bonds with them. For me in particular my brother has been a huge support during some awful times including the death of both our parents- he walked me down the aisle last month. It's phenomenally important to me that another person felt the same loss and shares the same memories.

But maybe that's just a bonus, and I'd have managed OK if I had never known any different.

Given that DH and I are a bit on the fence about DC full stop, is there any force in the argument that it's maybe not a good thing to deliberately have an only child?

jessie - I did not say "you should not even consider having his children" and I would certainly never say LTB. You said that you didn't want to drive him away by having a baby which implies you think he could leave if the going got tough - and so all I meant was if you think that is what DH would do then maybe having a child isn't the best idea because you need to know you can have someone to rely on when the hard times start.

My DS is only 18 weeks old and I have already walked out once and left for 3 days because of how things got with DH. I'm back home now and things are fine again We fought a lot in the early weeks and had to keep telling ourselves it was because we were exhausted and that it would pass - which it has. The good times far outweigh the bad - when I see DH and DS playing together it just melts my heart.

None of the negatives, even if there were 100's of them could hold more strength than the one main positive which is having a new life, half you, half your DH and feeling love for it beyond belief.

It's just a case of being realistic and accepting that for the first six or months or so a baby is unlikely to enrich a relationship but once the tough time have passed it is just amazing!!

I know writerwannabe, I was just poking a bit of gentle fun at MN and the fact that so many threads start well and end with LTB.

I had absolutely no reason to think DH might leave if we had a baby until MN put it in my head, then you seemed to be suggesting it was something I had feared all along!

Once again, thanks to all for your thoughtful posts.

I'm sure if you asked my only child son, would you rather be an only child, or never have been born at all, I'm sure he'd say he'd rather exist, thank you.

Not everyone has the difficulties Writer has experienced during the early weeks Jessie. It was very different for me. My marriage has been rocky to say the least over the years but DH's attitude towards me completely changed when he saw what I went through to have his baby. It brought us closer, we certainly didn't fight, or walk out on each other, we pulled together.

The biggest change will be to your life though, as parenthood will massively curtail your freedom in a way it won't your DH's.

My relationship also strengthened amazingly when dd arrived....

United in amazement probably at becoming a slave to this tiny thing that rocks up in your life like a Double decker bus through the door

United and stronger nevertheless

Jessie if you think this thread has taken a couple of 'only on MN' turns now, I'm about to take another one.

I'll preface it by saying that from what you've told us about your DH and your relationship I don't think it sounds likely. I just want to put it out there.

You know that this decision you make now, if you still have a chance to have a child, is your final one. Your DH doesn't have the same reality. Deep down he knows that he could well have decades more to have a child. So even if on the surface he feels this is his last chance because he is committed to you for life, he does not have to face that deep knowledge that this really is it, door closed.

If you want to go for it and he is on board, great. If you want to go for it but don't because you aren't sure about his feelings, try to get as sure as possible. It would be awful if he does decide he wants them and has them with someone younger in the future. I know that sounds brutal and you may well know that it doesn't apply to your relationship, but I have considered it myself even though I feel it couldn't apply to me, so I mean nothing bad by it!

So to sum up - you'll be happy if you do, you'll be happy if you don't, he'll leave if you do, he'll leave if you don't!

Jessie is it you who likes musicals? Or have I made that up/Imagined it?

Ha Ha, yes Saintly, I do, and amazingly for a straight man so does DH - we spent the last night of our honeymoon on Broadway . Can't recall posting about them on MN for a very ling time though!

Jessie: if you're both happy as you are and can see a fulfilling future together without children, don't feel you have to do it. It's not the be all and end all. Some of the happiest couples I know have chosen not to have children.

There's huge pressure on women to have children and you may be presented a one sided picture (how many mothers are going to admit to anyone that they regret it?). You're right to think carefully about it.
Think about the things you and your dh value most and the things that make you most happy. Then think realistically about how you'd feel if you had to give them up.

You and your dh will have to shift your focus from each other to your child. For some couples that isn't a big sacrifice. For others the lack of quality time together takes its toll.

If you decide not to have children I'd recommend making time for children in your life (eg through volunteer work or regular time with extended family etc).

Your situation reminds me of mine. I've never had the urge either but am at the age where it would be time to take action if I wanted to go for it. (DH has children already so is happy either way).

I we have recently decided not to TTC. It's hard to give reasons why without sounding horribly selfish, but my life is exactly how I want it as it is.

(Happy to discuss by PM if you want to chat reasons with someone who has decided a definite "no"!)

I think as long as you are open to the fact that it's fine not to have children, then you will end up making the right decision for you.

Ah okay - I have a reason for having kids for you then (this general rule is actually true of all 3 of mine but I'll use ds2 as my example as you'll identify most with him ;) )

So before kids I assumed they would have the same interests as me & be guided in some way by me. Uh ah. Ds2 hates the things I love (the great outdoors, reading, adventure sports, horse riding etc) but he loves singing acting & musicals. He's also rather good at all this & has had a few professional acting roles including being cast on the UK tour of a west end musical. There's something odd about seeing your child dueting with household names including a lead who I think has the best voice in UK musical world at the moment . And all before leaving primary school :)

That's what's great about kids - they expand your world rather than the other way round. I took up surfing at 40 because of ds2 (& we go year round), ds2 has introduced me to loads of theatrical stuff & ds3 has shown me golf isn't as dull as I thought it was. And I foresaw none of this. In ds2's case no- one in the family acts or sings, his brothers don't - it's just appeared out of nowhere. Same as the surfing (golf less so as my dad took him initially).

I think without the kids our focus would be very inwards & we'd only do what we've always done. We've followed the kids into new areas & made loads of new friends because of them :) I know you like the focus of you & your husband at the moment - but in ten twenty years that may feel claustrophobic (think it would for me)

Sorry surfing because of ds1, ds2 HATES surfing

I agree with trevor in that it's fine not to want or have children. Throughout my teenage years and during my 20's I was adamant I didn't want children and was quite happy in that decision. When I met DH he was of the same feeling, was quite open about the fact that he wouldn't be fussed if we never had a child. We agreed if it happened one day then fair enough but we would never have been a couple who'd go down the IVF route if we couldn't conceive, simply because having children just wasn't that important to us.

I know a couple who have been together for 15 years and don't have children. They have a wonderful life, a great lifestyle that just couldn't maintained if they had children, and they are both perfectly happy with the choice they made. They are now in their early 40's.

I don't think you should write off the idea of having children because you may only have time for one. There are so many variables as have been mentioned upthread.
I have an only child who is now 9, I had him very young and not been in the right relationship since then to have another. I'm now in the right relationship but my OH is 50 next year which has thrown a lot of "is he too old" discussions our way. I'm an over-thinker too, but sometimes you do have to just breathe and know everything will work out for the best, just follow your heart (sorry bit flowery).